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Understanding Autistic Relationships Across the Lifespan: Family, Friends, Lovers and Others PDF

265 Pages·2023·2.009 MB·English
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UNDERSTANDING AUTISTIC RELATIONSHIPS ACROSS THE LIFESPAN Understanding Autistic Relationships Across the Lifespan is an accessible overview of autistic relationships from the early years through to old age. This much-needed book combines the latest research findings with first-hand accounts to offer insight into the relationships of autistic people and how they differ to those of non-autistic people in a range of ways. Felicity Sedgewick and Sarah Douglas delve into life’s stages and their challenges, revealing how navigating relationships can lead to misunderstandings, rejection, and trauma – but also to genuine connection, support, and joy. Illustrated throughout with extracts from interviews, and with extended narratives from Sarah, it explores key topics including relationships in the early years, childhood friendships, teenage friendships and romance, adult romantic and sexual relationships, LGBTQ relationships, finding community, family relationships, and issues in the later stages of life. The authors explore a wide range of emotions and life situations, examining the social world of autistic people and the strategies they use to navigate it. Understanding Autistic Relationships Across the Lifespan offers practical recommendations for both autistic and non-autistic people on how to have the healthiest and most satisfying relationships possible. It is essential reading for all those working with autistic people and studying autism, as well as autistic individuals and those close to them. Felicity Sedgewick is Senior Lecturer in Psychology of Education at the University of Bristol, with a research specialism in the relationships of autistic women, girls, and non-binary people. She has worked with autistic people in a variety of settings, with these experiences driving her research interests and helping shape her desire to do work with a positive real-world impact. Sarah Douglas is an autism study advisor who has contributed to much-needed areas of research such as education, self-harm, suicidality, anxiety, intimate partner violence, and sexual assault. She is also currently volunteering for SARSAS, supporting survivors of all genders, and is a member of their Autism and ID Advisory Group. UNDERSTANDING AUTISTIC RELATIONSHIPS ACROSS THE LIFESPAN Family, Friends, Lovers and Others Felicity Sedgewick and Sarah Douglas Cover image: Getty Images/Sean Gladwell First published 2023 by Routledge 4 Park Square, Milton Park, Abingdon, Oxon OX14 4RN and by Routledge 605 Third Avenue, New York, NY 10158 Routledge is an imprint of the Taylor & Francis Group, an informa business © 2023 Felicity Sedgewick, Sarah Douglas The right of Felicity Sedgewick and Sarah Douglas to be identified as authors of this work has been asserted in accordance with sections 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reprinted or reproduced or utilised in any form or by any electronic, mechanical, or other means, now known or hereafter invented, including photocopying and recording, or in any information storage or retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publishers. Trademark notice: Product or corporate names may be trademarks or registered trademarks, and are used only for identification and explanation without intent to infringe. British Library Cataloguing-in-Publication Data A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library ISBN: 978-0-367-49101-7 (hbk) ISBN: 978-0-367-49103-1 (pbk) ISBN: 978-1-003-04453-6 (ebk) DOI: 10.4324/9781003044536 Typeset in Bembo by Apex CoVantage, LLC CONTENTS Acknowledgements vii Preface viii Introduction 1 1 First steps – relationships in the early years 12 2 Moving on up – childhood friendships 32 3 Big school – adolescent friendships 55 4 Teenage dreams – adolescent dating 83 5 With a little help from my friends – adult friendships and finding community 106 6 Well, hello there – sexual and romantic relationships in adulthood 139 7 A family affair – adult families 170 8 Getting older – older adulthood 197 9 Toxic – problematic relationships and victimisation 214 vi Contents 10 Tips and tricks for good relationships with autistic people 242 11 Conclusion 245 Recommended reading list 247 Index 249 ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS During the two years of writing this book, we have gone through family divorces, family deaths, employment tribunals, long-term sickness, being disabled out of work, ADHD diagnoses, long-distance relationships, an engagement, buying a house, moving house, wedding planning . . . and a pandemic. It’s been a huge journey, and, despite it all, we have created something we are proud of. We could not have done it on our own. We both owe huge thanks to our contributors, who gave us their time and their trust in sharing their experiences here and letting us write about them. This book genuinely could not be what it is without them. We also want to thank the publisher, Routledge, for believing in us, and specifically thank Helen Pritt and Shreya Bajpai for the support they have provided – and for not chasing too hard as the deadlines zoomed past! Felicity personally wants to thank the brilliant man who will, by the time this is published, be her husband, Tim. The ‘difficult second book’ has definitely lived up to the stereotype at times, and Tim’s love, patience, and speed at producing cups of tea has been unerring. And Felicity sends him thanks for sorting out all the head- ings! She would also like to thank her parents and brother, and all her friends. They looked at her like she was mad when she announced that she was doing another one right away, and then proceeded to support her anyway. If this book shows any- thing, it is that the relationships we have with other people are what can make life brilliant, and her relationships absolutely make her life the best it can be. Sarah would like to thank her many wonderful loved ones who have helped her to discover who she truly is and to like, love, and see herself as they do. Special thanks and so much love goes to her boys Kyle and Rob and her fam-friends the Lampylanders, Helen and Rebecca; the Hubbucks; and the Lucy’s, Hannah, Heidi, Kelly, Ricky, and Adam. In truth, there are too many to mention, but they have all taught her how to live, love, and be loved in return. They may well have learned some things from Sarah as well. With so much info-dumping over the years, some- thing must have stuck! PREFACE This book cannot tell you everything you want to know about the relationships of autistic people. We (Felicity and Sarah) know that it seems odd to start our book by telling you what it can’t do, instead of what it can, but it is important to be honest. This book is designed to give you a brief insight into some of the most common relationships autistic people will experience over their lifespans, both in their own words and according to what the research tells us. That is not the same as being a comprehensive review of every possible relationship or social situation, and it can- not speak for the individual experiences of every autistic person. We are talking here in commonalities, averages, and generalities. Every autistic person is unique and will have unique experiences, but there are patterns to autistic relationships, and these are what we are describing. The idea for this book came from our own long-standing friendship, and the life experiences we have shared during chats over hot chocolate, cake, and wine. There are so many similarities in our relationships as humans, but there are also differences. Aspects of being autistic make social relationships different (sometimes harder), and, equally, the world is set up to think about relationships from a very neurotypical perspective, which can end up disadvantaging or even harming autis- tic people, whether intentionally or unintentionally. This has not been helped by a history of autism research which has assumed – for reasons we will discuss in detail later – that autistic people were not capable of, did not have, and were not interested in relationships with other people. The life stories of autistic people, and emerging research, show categorically that this is not true, and this is what we are going to explore. Felicity is an autism researcher and lecturer at the University of Bristol who is interested in autistic people’s relationships and mental health, along with gen- der differences on these fronts. She originally intended to be an archaeologist, but got sidetracked when learning about cultural differences in child development Preface ix as part of her archaeology and anthropology degree, and took a new path into developmental and social psychology. She is now the programme director for the conversion masters she took nearly a decade ago, which was the gateway into her psychology career. Her projects are co-produced with autistic people, and she pri- oritises doing work that can have a positive impact in the real world. Sarah is a late diagnosed autist who describes herself as also something of a late developer, currently emerging in her early fifties from decades of poor mental and physical health and a series of jobs that can only be described as careering, rather than an actual career. Over the last five years she has used her lived experiences of being neurodivergent to support the autistic community by advising participatory autism research study teams and being involved in autism training/education. She has recently completed a 20-week stint of mentoring for NDSA, a non-profit organisation set up by autistic people for autistic people. Sarah is currently volunteering on the emotional support line for SARSAS, Somerset and Avon Rape and Sexual Abuse Service, and is also a member of their Autism and Learning Disability Advisory Group. We are hoping that this book forms a useful overview and starting point into autistic people’s relationships at different stages of their lives. It is split into ten chapters, each of which contains quotes from a range of autistic people we inter- viewed to get a variety of perspectives into the book. We have spoken to 25 people from the age of nine into their sixties, from different parts of the world – people of different genders, different sexualities, different ethnicities, those who have addi- tional physical and mental health conditions, those who use non-verbal commu- nication . . . everyone we could think of and who had time to talk to us! We are deeply grateful for their time and the trust they have placed in us to tell parts of their stories, and we hope we have done them justice. Any errors are made by us, and should not reflect on our contributors. So, to give an overview of what to expect in the book ahead: The Introduction is where we will take a brief tour through the history of autism and autism research, looking at how early assumptions and biases became built into later work and how they are now being challenged to reshape our ideas about autistic relationships. Chapter 1: First Steps looks at family relationships in the early years of life, such as how autistic children are known to relate to their parents and siblings, and to other caregivers in settings like nursery education. Chapter 2: Moving On Up talks about friendships as children move into primary school – the importance of these relationships, how they are made and main- tained, some of the difficulties autistic children can face, but also the positive experiences they have. Chapter 3: Big School looks at how friendships change as children turn into ado- lescents, moving from primary to secondary education. This is often a major life transition on many fronts, and this has an impact on friendships. Here we will also consider emerging research into online friendships for autistic ado- lescents, and the ways in which these can be both an opportunity and a risk.

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