Understanding Autistic Relationships Across the Lifespan: Family, Friends, Lovers and Others

265 Pages·2023·2.009 MB·English

by  Felicity Sedgewick, Sarah Douglas

UNDERSTANDING AUTISTIC
RELATIONSHIPS ACROSS THE
LIFESPAN
Understanding Autistic Relationships Across the Lifespan is an accessible overview of autistic
relationships from the early years through to old age. This much-needed book combines
the latest research findings with first-hand accounts to offer insight into the relationships
of autistic people and how they differ to those of non-autistic people in a range of ways.
Felicity Sedgewick and Sarah Douglas delve into life’s stages and their challenges,
revealing how navigating relationships can lead to misunderstandings, rejection, and
trauma – but also to genuine connection, support, and joy. Illustrated throughout with
extracts from interviews, and with extended narratives from Sarah, it explores key topics
including relationships in the early years, childhood friendships, teenage friendships
and romance, adult romantic and sexual relationships, LGBTQ relationships, finding
community, family relationships, and issues in the later stages of life. The authors
explore a wide range of emotions and life situations, examining the social world of
autistic people and the strategies they use to navigate it.
Understanding Autistic Relationships Across the Lifespan offers practical recommendations
for both autistic and non-autistic people on how to have the healthiest and most
satisfying relationships possible. It is essential reading for all those working with autistic
people and studying autism, as well as autistic individuals and those close to them.
Felicity Sedgewick is Senior Lecturer in Psychology of Education at the University
of Bristol, with a research specialism in the relationships of autistic women, girls, and
non-binary people. She has worked with autistic people in a variety of settings, with
these experiences driving her research interests and helping shape her desire to do work
with a positive real-world impact.
Sarah Douglas is an autism study advisor who has contributed to much-needed areas
of research such as education, self-harm, suicidality, anxiety, intimate partner violence,
and sexual assault. She is also currently volunteering for SARSAS, supporting survivors
of all genders, and is a member of their Autism and ID Advisory Group.

UNDERSTANDING
AUTISTIC
RELATIONSHIPS
ACROSS THE LIFESPAN
Family, Friends, Lovers and Others
Felicity Sedgewick and Sarah Douglas
Cover image: Getty Images/Sean Gladwell
First published 2023
by Routledge
4 Park Square, Milton Park, Abingdon, Oxon OX14 4RN
and by Routledge
605 Third Avenue, New York, NY 10158
Routledge is an imprint of the Taylor & Francis Group, an informa business
© 2023 Felicity Sedgewick, Sarah Douglas
The right of Felicity Sedgewick and Sarah Douglas to be identified as
authors of this work has been asserted in accordance with sections 77 and
78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reprinted or reproduced or
utilised in any form or by any electronic, mechanical, or other means, now
known or hereafter invented, including photocopying and recording, or in
any information storage or retrieval system, without permission in writing
from the publishers.
Trademark notice: Product or corporate names may be trademarks or
registered trademarks, and are used only for identification and explanation
without intent to infringe.
British Library Cataloguing-in-Publication Data
A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library
ISBN: 978-0-367-49101-7 (hbk)
ISBN: 978-0-367-49103-1 (pbk)
ISBN: 978-1-003-04453-6 (ebk)
DOI: 10.4324/9781003044536
Typeset in Bembo
by Apex CoVantage, LLC
CONTENTS
Acknowledgements vii
Preface viii
Introduction 1
1 First steps – relationships in the early years 12
2 Moving on up – childhood friendships 32
3 Big school – adolescent friendships 55
4 Teenage dreams – adolescent dating 83
5 With a little help from my friends – adult friendships
and finding community 106
6 Well, hello there – sexual and romantic relationships
in adulthood 139
7 A family affair – adult families 170
8 Getting older – older adulthood 197
9 Toxic – problematic relationships and victimisation 214
vi Contents
10 Tips and tricks for good relationships with autistic people 242
11 Conclusion 245
Recommended reading list 247
Index 249
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
During the two years of writing this book, we have gone through family divorces,
family deaths, employment tribunals, long-term sickness, being disabled out of
work, ADHD diagnoses, long-distance relationships, an engagement, buying a
house, moving house, wedding planning . . . and a pandemic. It’s been a huge
journey, and, despite it all, we have created something we are proud of.
We could not have done it on our own. We both owe huge thanks to our
contributors, who gave us their time and their trust in sharing their experiences
here and letting us write about them. This book genuinely could not be what it
is without them. We also want to thank the publisher, Routledge, for believing in
us, and specifically thank Helen Pritt and Shreya Bajpai for the support they have
provided – and for not chasing too hard as the deadlines zoomed past!
Felicity personally wants to thank the brilliant man who will, by the time this is
published, be her husband, Tim. The ‘difficult second book’ has definitely lived up
to the stereotype at times, and Tim’s love, patience, and speed at producing cups of
tea has been unerring. And Felicity sends him thanks for sorting out all the head-
ings! She would also like to thank her parents and brother, and all her friends. They
looked at her like she was mad when she announced that she was doing another
one right away, and then proceeded to support her anyway. If this book shows any-
thing, it is that the relationships we have with other people are what can make life
brilliant, and her relationships absolutely make her life the best it can be.
Sarah would like to thank her many wonderful loved ones who have helped her
to discover who she truly is and to like, love, and see herself as they do. Special
thanks and so much love goes to her boys Kyle and Rob and her fam-friends the
Lampylanders, Helen and Rebecca; the Hubbucks; and the Lucy’s, Hannah, Heidi,
Kelly, Ricky, and Adam. In truth, there are too many to mention, but they have all
taught her how to live, love, and be loved in return. They may well have learned
some things from Sarah as well. With so much info-dumping over the years, some-
thing must have stuck!
PREFACE
This book cannot tell you everything you want to know about the relationships of
autistic people. We (Felicity and Sarah) know that it seems odd to start our book by
telling you what it can’t do, instead of what it can, but it is important to be honest.
This book is designed to give you a brief insight into some of the most common
relationships autistic people will experience over their lifespans, both in their own
words and according to what the research tells us. That is not the same as being a
comprehensive review of every possible relationship or social situation, and it can-
not speak for the individual experiences of every autistic person. We are talking
here in commonalities, averages, and generalities. Every autistic person is unique
and will have unique experiences, but there are patterns to autistic relationships,
and these are what we are describing.
The idea for this book came from our own long-standing friendship, and the
life experiences we have shared during chats over hot chocolate, cake, and wine.
There are so many similarities in our relationships as humans, but there are also
differences. Aspects of being autistic make social relationships different (sometimes
harder), and, equally, the world is set up to think about relationships from a very
neurotypical perspective, which can end up disadvantaging or even harming autis-
tic people, whether intentionally or unintentionally. This has not been helped by
a history of autism research which has assumed – for reasons we will discuss in
detail later – that autistic people were not capable of, did not have, and were not
interested in relationships with other people. The life stories of autistic people, and
emerging research, show categorically that this is not true, and this is what we are
going to explore.
Felicity is an autism researcher and lecturer at the University of Bristol who
is interested in autistic people’s relationships and mental health, along with gen-
der differences on these fronts. She originally intended to be an archaeologist,
but got sidetracked when learning about cultural differences in child development
Preface ix
as part of her archaeology and anthropology degree, and took a new path into
developmental and social psychology. She is now the programme director for the
conversion masters she took nearly a decade ago, which was the gateway into her
psychology career. Her projects are co-produced with autistic people, and she pri-
oritises doing work that can have a positive impact in the real world.
Sarah is a late diagnosed autist who describes herself as also something of a late
developer, currently emerging in her early fifties from decades of poor mental and
physical health and a series of jobs that can only be described as careering, rather than
an actual career. Over the last five years she has used her lived experiences of being
neurodivergent to support the autistic community by advising participatory autism
research study teams and being involved in autism training/education. She has recently
completed a 20-week stint of mentoring for NDSA, a non-profit organisation set up
by autistic people for autistic people. Sarah is currently volunteering on the emotional
support line for SARSAS, Somerset and Avon Rape and Sexual Abuse Service, and is
also a member of their Autism and Learning Disability Advisory Group.
We are hoping that this book forms a useful overview and starting point into
autistic people’s relationships at different stages of their lives. It is split into ten
chapters, each of which contains quotes from a range of autistic people we inter-
viewed to get a variety of perspectives into the book. We have spoken to 25 people
from the age of nine into their sixties, from different parts of the world – people of
different genders, different sexualities, different ethnicities, those who have addi-
tional physical and mental health conditions, those who use non-verbal commu-
nication . . . everyone we could think of and who had time to talk to us! We are
deeply grateful for their time and the trust they have placed in us to tell parts of
their stories, and we hope we have done them justice. Any errors are made by us,
and should not reflect on our contributors.
So, to give an overview of what to expect in the book ahead:
The Introduction is where we will take a brief tour through the history of autism
and autism research, looking at how early assumptions and biases became
built into later work and how they are now being challenged to reshape our
ideas about autistic relationships.
Chapter 1: First Steps looks at family relationships in the early years of life, such
as how autistic children are known to relate to their parents and siblings, and
to other caregivers in settings like nursery education.
Chapter 2: Moving On Up talks about friendships as children move into primary
school – the importance of these relationships, how they are made and main-
tained, some of the difficulties autistic children can face, but also the positive
experiences they have.
Chapter 3: Big School looks at how friendships change as children turn into ado-
lescents, moving from primary to secondary education. This is often a major
life transition on many fronts, and this has an impact on friendships. Here we
will also consider emerging research into online friendships for autistic ado-
lescents, and the ways in which these can be both an opportunity and a risk.