Under the Duvet: Shoes, Reviews, Having the Blues, Builders, Babies, Families and Other Calamities PDF
Preview Under the Duvet: Shoes, Reviews, Having the Blues, Builders, Babies, Families and Other Calamities
Under the Duvet Shoes, Reviews, Having the Blues, Builders, Babies, Families and Other Calamities Marian Key es Contents Introduction v Oh, the Glamour Paperback Writher 3 In the Name of Research— Going Under Cover 10 The Nicest Thing That Ever Happened to Me 18 Planes, Trains and Ought-to-Know-Betters 28 Fear and Loathing in Los Angeles 33 If It ’s Wednesday, It Must Be Hamburg 38 Given the Boot 46 Mind, Body, Spirit . . . and Shoes Imeldas, and How to Spot Them 55 Does My Base Chakra Look Big in This? 58 Botox and Other Miracles 65 Hope Springs Eternal 72 What Color Is Your Aura? 77 Friends and Family Till Debt Us Do Part 87 You Can Run but You Can’t Hide 93 Bah! Givvus a Humbug 98 ii Contents Himself Is a Hooligan 103 Push! 108 Rapunzel, Rapunzel, Throw Down Your Hair Dryer! 113 Lucky O’Leary: A Prince Among Dogs 118 Now Is the Time for All Little Brothers to Come to the Aid of the Party 123 All Grown-Up Ten Housework Laws for Men 131 Gilt Trip 133 The Agony and the Ecstasy, but Mostly the Agony 137 Scarlet Pimpernel Construction 142 Get That Dustbin Out of My Relationship Corner 147 Too Fast to Live, Too Young to Garden 152 Driving Along in My Automobile 157 Reversing Around Corners 162 The Pissed Is a Foreign Country, They Do Things Differently There 168 Twelve Months Sackcloth, Ashes . . . and the Gym 181 Have You the Green Food Coloring? 186 Thanks, Mam 191 Time ’s Arrow 195 Feeling Sheepish 200 iii Contents Happy Christmas! Form an Orderly Queue 205 A Quiet Millennium Night In 210 Both Sides of the Irish Sea Swinging London 219 Do You Know the Bus Stop in Kilkenny? 226 The Early Bird . . . Catches the Host on the Hop 231 Psycho Magnet 236 Slacking Off Is Hard to Do 241 Catholicism: Cheaper Than Prozac, but Is It Good for You? 247 That’s Me Away! Beside the Seaside 255 The Lucky Suitcase 260 Passport Out of Here 266 Aerodrama 272 ’Nam Flashbacks 277 About the Author Also by Marian Keyes Credits Cover Copyright About the Publisher iv Introduction � hen I was twenty-one I got it into my head that I wanted to be a journalist. I considered my options: I could buy a pork-pie hat and notebook and approach news- papers, or I could apply to do a course. I decided on the course, which happened to be vastly oversubscribed, but I got through several of the interviewing stages, as they whittled down the numbers. However, I didn’t make the final cut and I was absolutely devastated—heartbroken! But with the wis- dom of hindsight it was probably all for the best. I would have been a terrible journalist—too wussy to doorstep suspects and too afraid of giving offense to ask tough questions. And I think I misunderstood my desire to work with words: I wanted to write fiction, not fact. Anyway, years passed (nine of them) and eventually I did begin to write fiction, which is when I discovered a peculiar side effect of being a novelist: newspaper and magazine edi- tors were keen for me to contribute pieces of—wait for it— journalism. v Introduction Once I established that I didn’t have to dissect burning matters of the day and that it was perfectly OK to write funny autobiographical pieces, I was happy to do so. I began doing a regular monthly column for Irish Tatler, which covered most aspects of my life—writing, touring, trying to buy a house and learn to drive, my great love of shoes and confectionery, my great fear of dogs and New Year’s Eve. Occasionally other Irish publications commissioned articles on something specific like Mother’s Day or summer holidays, and over the months and years, without noticing, I built up quite a hefty pile of journalism. Most of the articles in this collection have been published already in Ireland, but not all have been. Some others I’ve incorporated into a novel—like the story of me going for a mud wrap in a desperate attempt to lose weight two days before I got married. Those of you who’ve read Last Chance Saloon might remember Tara having a similar experience. Everything in this book really did happen to me, but occa- sionally I’ve changed some details and people ’s names to pro- tect the innocent or not-so-innocent! The majority of the arti- cles are humorous, but a few aren’t quite as light-hearted—in particular the piece about struggling with alcoholism. (But you can skip it if it makes you depressed!) That ’s the beauty of a collection like this—unlike a novel, it can be read in any order you please; you can even start at the back if you want. I like the idea that this is something you can dip in and out of, that you can let the book fall open on a random page and just vi Introduction start reading (unless you’ve read it already, of course). Many people were instrumental in this book coming together and I’d like to thank them all; in particular, Tony (aka Himself ) for his Trojan work collating the pieces, and Louise Moore and Harriet Evans for their creative and meticulous editing. Finally, I’d like to thank Ian Davidson for inspiring this collection. And thank you very much for reading this book. I sincerely hope you enjoy it. —Marian Keyes vii
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