Toxic Parents PDF
Preview Toxic Parents
Who are toxic parents? The Inadequate Parents: Constantly focusing on their own problems, they turn their children into “mini-adults” who take care of them. The Controllers: They use guilt, manipulation, and even overhelpfulness to direct their children’s lives. The Alcoholics: Mired in denial and chaotic mood swings, their addiction leaves little time or energy for the demands of parenthood. The Verbal Abusers: Whether overtly abusive or subtly sarcastic, they demoralize their children with constant put- downs and rob them of their self-confidence. The Physical Abusers: Incapable of controlling their own deep- seated rage, they often blame their children for their own ungovernable behavior. The Sexual Abusers: Whether flagrantly sexual or covertly seductive, they are the ultimate betrayers, destroying the very heart of childhood—its innocence. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME FOR WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU AS A CHILD—BUT YOU CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT NOW! Other Books by This Author Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them Obsessive Love: When It Hurts Too Much to Let Go When Your Lover Is a Liar: Healing the Wounds of Deception and Betrayal Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You Money Demons Betrayal of Innocence: Incest and Its Devastation For my children Acknowledgments Many people made significant contributions to this work: Craig Buck, a dedicated and talented writer, gave form to the story I wanted to tell. Nina Miller, M.F.C.C., a gifted therapist, gave unstintingly of her time, her knowledge, and her support. She is also the most loyal friend anyone could have. Marty Farash, M.F.C.C., was tremendously generous with his expertise in family systems. My wonderful editor, Toni Burbank, was, as always, insightful, sensitive, and understanding. I couldn’t have asked for a calmer guide through my stormier creative moments. Linda Grey, President and Publisher of Bantam Books who believed in me and my work from the beginning. My gratitude is endless to the clients, friends, and others who trusted me with their most intimate feelings and secrets so that other people could be helped. I cannot name them, but they know who they are. My children, Wendy and Matt, and my friends—especially Dorris Gathrid, Don Weisberg, Jeanne Phillips, Basil Anderman, Lynn Fischer, and Madeline Cain—are my personal rooting section, and I love them all dearly. My stepfather, Ken Peterson, for his encouragement and many kindnesses to me. And finally, I want to thank my mother, Harriet Peterson, for her love and support and for having the courage to change. Contents Introduction PART 1. TOXIC PARENTS 1. Godlike Parents —The Myth of the Perfect Parent 2. “Just Because You Didn’t Mean It Doesn’t Mean It Didn’t Hurt” —The Inadequate Parents 3. “Why Can’t They Let Me Live My Own Life?” —The Controllers 4. “No One in This Family Is an Alcoholic” —The Alcoholics 5. The Bruises Are All on the Inside —The Verbal Abusers 6. Sometimes the Bruises Are on the Outside, Too —The Physical Abusers 7. The Ultimate Betrayal —The Sexual Abusers 8. Why Do Parents Behave This Way? —The Family System PART 2. RECLAIMING YOUR LIFE 9. You Don’t Have to Forgive 10. “I’m a Grown-up. Why Don’t I Feel Like One?” 11. The Beginnings of Self-Definition 12. Who’s Really Responsible? 13. Confrontation: The Road to Independence 14. Healing the Incest Wound 15. Breaking the Cycle
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