Toike Oike, volume 97, issue 8

2004·1.2 MB·English

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^University of Toronto's xtetro-Hamoar Newspaper Since 1911
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annualAll-AreasDa*n*ce-#OffBosnf*ireBash. Thewitness,whowouldrathernotbenamed,
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brainpower.
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hadtocometoourhop. I mean,holycow, Evidenceforthisproposalcomes fromthe
theydidn’tevenbringdancepartners!Guys DID YOU KNOW? witnesshimselfwhoallegesthathecouldnot
likethatarejustplainnogood.Golly.” stopstaringatthetwinprotrusions.“They
tookcontrolofmybrain.”Heexplainsina
While at the dance, the boys, known shakyvoice.“Aftertheywereoutofsightand
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“Pepper”Jameslaterthatnightoverahooch withmoltenlavaandthroughaforestofVelociraptorsasatestofwhetheryouweretoughenoughtoattend the attack. Besides walking into various
atthewatertower.Also,severalkeenerslost university. Classesweretaughtbyadvancedprimateswhohadbeentrainedtomakecavewritingonthe lamp-postsandmistakinghisproffessorfor
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forced to phone Timmy Thomson’s father, (picturedhere)eruptedunexpectedly,fillingallofthelecturehallswithmeltedigneousrockandkillingall injuryandwellashisbrainloss.
Mayor and Fire ChiefTed Thomson, who oftheprimateprofessors.Itwasnotuntil1827thatUofT’ssecondfounderslocatedachunkoftheancient
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Circa1953
Page2-TheToikeOike,VolXCVII-IssueVIII,2004
Editorial Best Wings
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10King’sCollegeRoad Ireallyknowitanybetterthankstoschool. •
Toftaerlxo::n(t{44o116O6))N997M7885--S2192314G754 LtcuhaconkusigalhyytnIIo’hdwaevtnhedathuatpdhirstuhhneansihnbogeneoitnu.rtNhtoeotbwiaogtgrfekisrtsftoi,rnaftnlhyuiewsnacnyeesw!osnpBmauyptetariftmfeeorrhaeervweeh.riylWeeyetrhaeirsittthnhaoittngfIojwruasttsheghTreoeriewk.eonI1wmnoeeu.vledrI
e-mail:toike(T/'skule.ca havegoneinsanelongago.
http://toike.skule.ca OfevwerratrheecyoemaircsaIrhtaisvtessheeernemaandnythaerwer.itLearstcoyemaeraansdSegno.ioIr’SvetaefvfeWnristeeernI(wanodrkheaddwtihtehpMlaearskurJeagtgoamseseatr)tao
Editor-in-Chief KevinAu stihmaekeatnhdinI’gvseucpoamelitttolecaotnstihedeTroitkheeaenntdirberastnacfhfmouytetoxttehnedeendtifraemiclaym.puYso.uTgihrilssyaenadrgIu’vyesh(aadndasImsaayshgiirnlgs
EditorialStaff fsiirmstplbyectahuesbeesftorbtuhnechfirosftpteiompeletoI’mvyeekvneorwwloerdkgeedtwhietTho.ikAellhtahsosmeorheorrfiebmlaelehosutrafsfstpheanntmianlteh)eadruenqgueiotne
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Writers MeiLingChen andupbeatattitudes! www.ein-stein.ca
RonnSieeSatnLeivHnekolcMakatiehnr Jwfaeesnstts?efTrhKoaamnttkzhs-rTefoeotrdtsaoeytnstio(nfLglaauyypoouutthtetEotdeoimntlpoylrao)tn:eesIdfdaoorynao'lftllkfaunytoouuwrt.ehTDooiwidkyeyosouutodsiecldolmiyteo.furrLosamoyumoluottnotwtihhleltdoneemvvioelnrttobhe,wodbriufktfitychuoalutt 4 1 6/59*STEI N
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year(guffaw!). Dave,machismoforever—originalsoul! Annie,thisone’sforyou—kicksomeassnext
WHATHO? yearasSeniorStaffWriter,you’veearnedit.
The Toike Oike is n covert organization PaulDabrowski(QualityAssurance):Keeponstickingittotheman. Don'tgotoocrazyonPeY; The Top 2 T-Shirt
committedtotheproliferationofhumourat Iknowyoustillhaveafewmonthsleftbutjustwait,4thyearhelliswaitingforyou. Slogans That
ttyyosihouootetuuibrrnUtasnioccidisuakevt)trea.elrtneoOshdroaiuktthsryaooyrvonomafeulunTraikcofneserhdiotacuonarectscedaooti.tftmiieIelaoitls.ne(idaseSibvsoowoeuiNnulrttiOhimgfTshaizthtne'eaasadnbpclaoiooutunlpuetdg.s Rtfftmoauaeokcrrygik—oeuniuwglntegaib'oodrmvgterelherCto,aootvtyneh.woetrturiRocritloehabinsaunnsvvtLieeiifoxtintryaekstdolyis:eauoatfnreMars.rse,otimaogoLDbsiotaeandvfgsefltauCw(fchrhfkeie’wtisnreniraat4bennturedhsxsytySaeerymaaeearnanimr!nH)atto.nohc,oek.BitemnhanP,eieslStit.peshiregiMesSadluarydainbdnniaadtmrclJidh\.ia,crmktfNe,h!isaractokHssooBhlLliloibdedblureeo,pr.etDhrooV,fBpDoeetrshtymiadoanoeunfkacshlewaufavcsosekor 2. GchoesaDthoe-andi't;'stsetaaEsrxieeiarstftmorymy
revolutionariesfrombothEngineeringand boyfriend to robyou
Arts&Science.Wemeeteverymonthon AshleyMorton(SACPresident2003-2004):Thanksforhelpingusgetthenewsstands. You
trheveoSlauttiuornd!ayfollowingdistribution.Vivala hMaivkeeno“Sitdeuadih”ow(EmnugcihnteheartimneganCtofmomruthneinceawtspiaopnesr.Chair2003-2004):Thanksforyoursupport 1. Monyyootuhrermoshmi'rstibsehdanging
throughouttheyearandespeciallyduringtheboguscontroversy. 1oweyouabeer.
DISCLAIMER BarbEllenson:Yourhelpallyearwasfantastic.Thankyou!
TenSxeohccpeeirseestsarysraediodilrcyalrti,ehnfeleuctUlthntiitrsvhaeorsnseleieotwffystpt-owhafiepneETgronrgoiodnnpoteioen,iroinnonIstgn EbwyhvpaeatrsysitiotnnageketsWhethofoecreedCabhtaeocksaehloutobopbuaCbnodmthpsetlsiaerridiannygstuotphteahnsehnioFtta-hcsiutnolgrtmcyatnahanstadvweaNsuOscTofmrtpoolmeUgtseet:ltyiTnuhgnansnehkcuestsdsfooarrwync..omIpfltehtaetl’ys
fart,Ureydon’tevennecessarilyreflectthe CertainOfficers(notall)WhoDitchedUsandYieldedtoFacultyPressure:Thanksfor
opinionsofthewriters. Ifyouhappento demonstratingtwooldsayings:“There’snosuchthingsasbadsoldiers,justbadofficers,”and“Don't
findanyofthematerialwithinthesepages pissdownmyhackandtellmeit’sraining."QuotescourtesyofCol.HackworthandtheOutlawJosey
offensive,donottrytosueus,aswehave Wales.
crackteamofcrackheadlawyersreadyto
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UniversityofTorontoforthefunride,theUniversityofTorontoEngineeringSocietyforgivingmethis
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YOU!
AdditionalThanksto:everyonewho1didnotmention(Iamsometimesforgetful)butwhoIknow
deepdowncontributedtheirsharetothisfinenewspaper.
Asyoucansee,thislittlepublicationwastheresultofmanyhardcoreenthusiasticindividuals.
Ultimatelytheyformedaworkingteamthatmanagedtoturnsilverintogoldfrommonthtomonth.
Congratulationstoyouallonyourfineefforts. Makemeproudbydoinganevenbetterjobnextyear
andblowingthisyearoutofthewater!
gcourin
Thisis'Cheetos',singingoffandhopefullygraduating...nowbacktowritingmythesis.
GoodnightUofT,GoodnightCanada!!! Overandout.
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TheToikeOike,VolXCVI1-IssueVIII,2004-Page3
IQCfll Grandfather’s Unexpected Longevity Gay Man Literally
NEWS BRIEFS Serious Inconvenience to Family Stuck in Closet
GUY NOTSURE IF DEFECATEDON MARKHAM (Toike) - Cancer sufferer postponed. McGee’s unexpected longevity Ironyofthesituationdeclared“delicious"
Th“TBatayRPneuheCalweoOOattioaovrwrehRrRoiuevCl,roSdrtleOOsreRiypdT,wiySNNtneoitUtUogalTiTohh2rlSre2DaeposOtOs,sevHepphaEtteeaeedt(wu(NrsattSWdeSehobhtekTeYnIihaUeonnlnsritddENeLot)sohHno)mhBALooiake-“ohOfYfsRinelw-rANAPnryadohhn,gBAteneaeETPiemagtnIaswainrSTrhAadndnR,tgaC,tn”ERnrdNitDoooLtmelNTebtsthpelwhOwuwahYoiDeaetysesncgNlsReserkCkhwmEG,ouieosiieasbwmlnliNtnhalllslatiTg,yDeeainseb"ghyInnr.iwgeu,ax.rAMeOenvoidltspsELveFo2latuoe3mluirrca,rststaoieahloydyn.l.enaay. JssahplDCwafaHaslatpiiihareopnaorldhoooffsoecvcpsemmadnuoewmfrdketsroinlmietminfbioosgtdvccurMSynrthxttticeitohgnsciwweoeeeenejrnfmGeidebtardnxuicaseettee”tdvMswpotta,uekiesktyecantotemms,scavGyhwlteitahtcaeaeeyehsneScent8nmtheeretttulg9oidode.ukm,hd,wrreHhiMsrcdwornoo“nlecfhiocsocasiaLaolbawaGrpnveaupsluolemndeiieegninwknft,itgeeltceadogloaifa’ka’eyyerlenittososslss.rs.rnaoeortdftulhrlbevyyidvhgiieissdvaefnpaapmiooltniyolnt,ytammlteownsoottf rsHteewosrouvmliestcoeenadsst,iaontttahlheDiioosrdfwsffiawovmuoeair“CtSdrgrJumItMslnehhaooaaatWptccayeedtuncnahnieloGrgtklnmchufrbhhehydedealauywty,.aelwes,dvnleen.irofnnir.dsriieluaihoef-inviesloswwwaweeikgdBnwre.svhssenhgvnielr”eue,-ietraa'glros”loahcntfovyalwothnahoenoiwrfdbntaret-vsewe’ciaeady,esseholMworFkdcajinpt.ceiaukhunliuhcbcGhnsyeondsnakyeteedtrrhgol“-erauhobeislahwWa’lrsuenneasiinelesdet’rdn,ssy tnfhoasdrdohfaoiheereutlshomtlocyehcehbndoelowumgrvouldbhapesregwteereeasetieoertn,.oepdhdenlkeonhdb.ereoToeyrnhot,odthoknhon.iouansenthgeslidhcuwAsyhorfaivthftnTJwwhchsmatDoileelieoeuaneooOvraosdrrhonsednksRnirmnwt,ntoennfsdaoeOeatoohoicSjndtdJsuamhNotcnetoriiorvdoamkgeTalsueihenreavgardnagOmsrandsedertaot,ot-itengteeyufnsnoshrswdosneda(icanreoSaTdarrtuSzfynthohsenoyetteUifeustroushhtddNdvoranwseefmewm)atesnedeiaeooiim-ydndnaddltolupnaoasotoirfflleosyhoohennoiolmIdn.enrterrggnrryt
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tRaokwilnegy’assnaebrbavtoiucsalbrferaokmdsocwhnoola,ndRoewvlenetyusaalylsy “waWshedenvaIshteaatredd,o”l'exJpalcakiwnaedsanelaornlgytdiomneefrfiore,ndI mouth.” AbelftohroeugthheJwohhonlewaisncpirdeevnitouosclcyurirnedt,hefrcileonsdets
helovesherandstronglybelievesPetersis andconfidant“butgriefonlylastssolong. I Noteveryonewasupsetorsurprisedabout werehardlysurprisedbythenewsandwere
hissoulmate.“She’stheone,”toldRowley, wastotallyintheacceptancephasebeforehe McGee’s passing, especially former WWII particularlythrilledatthecleverwaythathis
“whateverhappenedlastyearisinthepast. evendied. BythetimeofthefuneralIwas comradeHerbyNewman. “Ineverlikedthe comingoutwasexecuted.Evenhisparents,
IitnhcacitodmePpneltte.e"tresUlnylfefoftrotfruogrinvaAetueshlteyrraRloiawabloiuentyFiteshbeurnueaa-rwmyaaritelo Tcohmeplfeeteelliyngisndoifffiernednitf.f”erence were common oanloldtwatbyousgdgiheeorlo.dnitnAiglmuew,payntsehietlhaaesdrtv.aoNnuctoe,soufjruptsrhtiesleit,kree‘nbhcoihum,t wtwhhheeonwwhetoorlleedatathffafitaristrt,heswiirleersneotnl’ycsoumsnpeclxoeumatfleoilrtytyawhboaldnebwoeivetenhr
study abroad. She is accompanied by her amongfuneralattendeeslargelyduetothe timeyouoldbugger!” revealedthroughtheuseofadatedpun.
fianceeof6months. factthattheburialplanshadtoberepeatedly
RonLinklater AnnieUnnold
JAYWALKER HITBYBUS Student Recites
INCIDENTDESCRIBEDAS
"TRAGY-COMEDIC” “Deep Thought” in
TORONTO (Star) - A jaywalker was hit Lecture
by a school bus yesterday while trying to
crossthestreetatQueen’s Park; onlookers
described the scene as both laughter and TORONTO (Toike) - Philosophy student
tears. Lydia Shemeluck, 21, a Phys-ed Anthony“BoomBoom”Bakerdjianallegedly
studentatUofT,wascrossingthestreetina shockedclassmatesyesterdaywhenhestood
funnytrot,whenshenoticedthebusheading fromhis seat during lecture and began to
herway andbegantrottingfastertoavoid iterate adeep thought. The professorand
it. Friends saythe trotting was funny but studentssilentlylistened, andwerebaffled
thebusrunningheroverwasn’t.“Isawher bywhattheyheard.
trotting and started laughing,” says friend
TimWashburn,“Iwantedtowarnherabout Bakerdjian apparently stood up and
thebus,butIwasjustlaughingtoomuch. demandedtheattentionofthelecturehall,
Then,whenshenoticedthebus,hertrotting whilesubsequentlyremovingasmallbook
just got funnier, I thought I was gonna from his bag, which supposedlycontained
die!” Washburn described Shemeluck’s thedeepthought. Hethenbegantoloudly
trotasalighthopandhestressedthefact reciteit,andasstudentsbeganbucklingat
thatsheheldherhandsupintheair,with theforceofitsdeepmeaning,hestartedto
“loose”wrists,whilejaywalking. Continues “becomeveryflamboyantandanimated"and
Washburn: “When shenoticedthebus her gallivantedvictoriouslyaroundtheseats.
trotgotmorefrantic,andfrenzied,likeshe
was afraid for her life or something. Her "I was just like, whoa man, what just
hands were flailing everywhere! Oh man! happened?” said one of Bakerdjian’s
It was hilarious!” Though Washburn was classmates. “OnesecondI'mjustgettinginto
highlyentertainedbytheincident,heagrees mylecturesleepingposition,andthenext
thatitwasnolongerfunnyonceShemeluck Ihearthisdeepthought... Istartedseeing
washitbythebus.“Yes,Iwaslaughingalot,” spotsandstuff...ittotallyrockedmymind.”
anowseriousWashburnexplains.“Butwhen Whenaskedaboutthenatureofthethought,
shegotsmackedbythebusIrealizedthejoke studentsdescribeditas“seriouslydeep"and
wasprettymuchover.” “majordeepness,"whileonestudentsimply
beganmakingswimmingmotionswithhis
PIGEONSARE FEELING GROOVY aabrrmusptalnyddpiosimnitsisnegddionwonrwdaerrdtso.giLveectsutruedewnatss
TORONTO(SUN)-Themiraclesofscience timetodigestitall. Theprofessor,whohas
huswpaehh“tcirxhtaarraiteaehvlovbeceeekdant“tttunirasiwrcrmaonFsieeeenetnsdpt"vsdegwwl.hellLeieaabiuclmTartnlyalcuh’eeeefyosedddtruGfthstLrnirtetnhaonhhbhteofryebyaeoovrrttqSrybyahuspi”oimelwod.cnmbisauheiscboytnnes,iiMintdocnnornufooagnsgrwvun.iattaeigtedhhvnrassweaiLee.Gtatttasdaa.rhhh,rrneedwarFfdiatsyLhruaMpthaypnrreRshpekdopyterIrtpeaaoppria!tdpwislugrt1osegceseee9seeiaxoraa6ekoonennln6s,nnsdssl wtS“ttdrwswhhohTteaaaoienahuqssssmr’te.duet.reerkte’h.eani"ustsa’ltnhtnpsawksiDdenpiendseiMfnoerktnegfcrneaugpmoCshnadbomoyaoeSmoIunnpiuprotjltyintieuarmn.ofastc.eiefgltDr.etwimeseytizbamNeoeil,ituluilmmpnetllngerpreteotiteaavI,uhhavhcenlseeehtird,blnamaen"ubylddgatDeheisgetdewna’tttlstoiohsaihhnhuateiceml,caalsinlmstlnodweeaurruhtdeermesshl,eleoeteiwatnr.o“edCthehf”epa.ai’.eavvnskrtte.edesh..““,r.e.I"III
op“opfaiuttgthtteseheotrenamnnsmdngiaermnockigokemvsiitccnhia’ksasetetsdoiamwttpchhhlceeeyo,rsmbeopaenasagttn.Mhi“"reeFsTsu.hpceikeLgraaetercohrhnewy'asPspsotulehitopecnaeiteta”, TbfhoeahrsebBgdaaoeknnpeneraedrdojtuimtfaernonoritmdnheldariisiesunccgoolfontssthuhiaretdeeetrvhteeoedntdta.heseeAcphpmoutalbhanloriduscaghthioetpr
byN.W.A. Thispigeonhasbeenpermanently media,forobvioussecurityreasons.
sedatedforpublicsafety. SteveMah
Page4-TheToikeOike,VolXCVII-IssueVIII,2004
Great Engineers
CAN SLIDE RULE YOUR ASS
I
OFTHE 15THAND 16THCENTURIES
Ithasbeenalong,gruelingyearforallofus Those remaining are still lost somewhere UNDER THE TABLE
hereatUofT. Forluckygraduates,thesilver in the middle. You can see the flowery
lgionlidnegnomfeathdeowfustwuhriessppearreknldelsesisnptohsesibsiulnisteite,s ofaricnhtahridnstionftdheelidciisotuasncaep,plyeopuiec,abnutdettheectfitehled ByProfessorPaulDabrowskiSr.Ill,CIV4T5
isMniotguonnatlthsaeiwaninnDdeeswwofbfiefzgzrieensensdiuoncmgc,,esgsea.nntdWlyhtifaalnlelgiyfnogrcsiptnoroouwrs ydTooeuie’kpreewhiwatashlkdsihenictgi.dtehIdnrottuohgicshoyimesamjreu’smstofcrionavatlereiesdss,uoekm,neeteho-ef dtQhiueviicdke,mdabttywehr2a,3t?’sWfhoar5tg2’e9st Fagoer.giveme,Itendtodriftoff-topicinmyold
htFheleraodesinhn,dgiotyfcoyouormuerwsatytu.onnbeIetl’tswhcaaotsmtjihuenstgshayifonruierniggwhaltiagtahratayia!nt hwciohsnottoirhnyau’vseesgtrmreoiatvtiienvsgattfoeirdnavaebnnedttotreisrnstpaoinmrdoerdreounwsgi.nalelertso yyfoooruurmai2ns3ertaeibnmlgeeisneetxeacrbuilsneeg, eBmquyutaatwbiiholanitstyrtweoimtashiolnvsneotschhoiamnrpgpleamxsortareibgaotnyhooamnneettrmiiycs
lord Ronald popelton cm14 - 1460 gcarlacduulaatteo?rnotworSkoilnagr ptalbalteisnubmursnliedderiunlteo,amnydtmheemovroyl.umesYoouftarrieg
A carpenter by trade. Lord Popelton built his fortune by because you’re in lucky iftoday’s young engineercan recite
btiskBuinhonimvixoeles",wdnhitn-Pwnikohgoepfinboecscroluhbtwshoetisnsrsoukewmrea“vwhpAsieiuarvsn,tepnpodermraaeawtnvctehiduidirrcgoidshunooCtgvrwosehsennltfvttoooehrrrce.totthdihAea.oegmnmewooseHnGdaoglaetwotrmehhnveiybse.-edrmHca,oeIyosnnmhtteehoaCiosmotitsahoospdzkpbiaiiaecynnsrk’ggt,es makecalculationslikeytpstuhohsheouseurysdl.eadsroabktbAe?ansnptyroSermpeipnaoeasgrmr,ieeenndyemtoete.uro wbhnieaispsakh1bi8ltn-eo.tcitaAmolueldstyeotosaCuibrAglsDnee!,lafsEbahlrnemimodeetgnnetgtioaonCrenAyeDr!t,.heIysobauay,cskhifooyufoluda
Sinhgoewnutiitmye,RgoatmisesehreiensGriwlol.ulAdpbreodpulcatceodfsihneseirdewotohde-wCoorokkiinnjg Box’sconvectioncompartment sYloiud’ererunloetycouutroaustsfuorndtheirstlhienetaobflwe.ork. Ican tIroapsikcayloiusltahnids,:ainfdyoyuouwrecraelcsutlraatonrdewdasohneda
suspendedbvPopelton'sveryownwoodenshafttechnology. Theownercouldtheninstructa ashoreruined,howwouldyoubegintoplan
slavetoslowlyrotatethegamehenwhileheattendedtootherbusiness. Thisuniqueabilityto Backinmydayofschooling,theonlyadding yourdramaticescape? Slide rulesdo not
w“soeotditeanncdomfopragrettmite"nbteacbasmoerbweilddoliylspaopnudlagrr.easFeurltihkeeraisnpgotnhgeeC-oeofkfeicntgivBeolxy'“scuwtitdiensgptrheeafdatu"seo,utthoef mcoancthroiln.eBuitnytohuediwdno’rtldseewmaescoumnpdleariniNanzgi!- cbeetasyeotuonfeuvnecrtitohnouwghhetnofdtrhoapt,peydouinbuwamtbelri!ngI
awellcookedbird. However,noflavourwaseverlostsinceeachbirdcookedintheCookingBox TheAlliesstillmarchedonBerlin,andtheir buffoon. How would you calculate the
automaticallyinheritedthetastesofallpreviousbirdscookedinthesamebox. Themorethe artillerytrajectoriesstillrainedhotburning displacementofyourraft,toensureitstays
CookingBoxwasused,thefullertheflavourofthebirdsitwouldproduce. • shrapnel love on old Jerry & Co., with afloat given the weight of the coconuts
minimal collateral damage. How did they required to sustain your famished and
VESPUCCI DACjUCCI (1470-1515) doit,youask? Ishouldslapyouforyour broken personage? Whatsize should you
An animal trapperwho spent his life in aself-made insolence. Thesliderule,imbecile! makethesailtomaximizethrust? Today’s
sodhutinthewoods,DaGuccidedicatedhimselftothe engineerwould not knowwhere to begin.
studyofanimalshetrapped. DaGucciwasnotoriousfor Imustsay,oldbean,theysuredon’ttrain But when your cruise ship sinks and you
hiseccentricloveofanimalsandhisradicalscientific engineersliketheyusedto. Beingallowed managetoswimtoyourtropicalatoll,you
viewpoints. He strongly believed that biology and tobringacalculatingdeviceintoanexam willmarkmywords,andwishyouhadme
technologywerenottwoirreconcilablefieldsbutwere is sacrilege. Ifyou cannot determine the foraprofessor.
hAbctcdHoeerneeilelasisiamdtsmetamieafiindokloniens-entd,tStohhpthDiweoairsaesimmlGpenaleAurrgzraonck.egpicinneemihorHaaiiwowlsnphwr-ntoileaSosgovpwpiyhoetropalnirlireyeo,nkdnalgu,iumnwafdaeiaaanilvpnsieeppakynreeentcsranhifeaseramolosoaw“nshpflcilApbaoicnproyneoeiafu.nlumiulctlsladeDd,etaea-errhufGadsosriuuiehmcAagnecnnhrhdaiietdistesmadinwtaecfeilhlavodolelre,ndPeglfffe,alaoiltopnlnthwedog-eedoeSrrsrepssoevr.eaflievynnbneHgdirceaocoHtliu-ywlrhmbteiaeuredocsimcuhdmhsbsa"en.t.ntiitliqaolcuHlIasemintlssasrphnearutiinignrspnggidugicvll.kniirasensotegiuWnreothweiniivtnanetehgrene.hrys ttwyseaofhneoqtefurueobaebrrewrlscteeaoehssrerhtmetooefahtodiaa.nrtttsLytioDrbfybiIueeoenl5radpearipiflleeancsics.attycle,ioacrnOuaumtltrlnhelhueyeshiteunehfFantiexatdonacia,pmpllul,oilyu1wtnyos9yeoau3urts9’.uiid,ddoseeTnestw,hdehhheritaerhvntlneeekol ttestDhoexuocanpcitlkaatwlswihiinhetwloyhelptolhufesteteavhlreleenptsthleeuneaneagdgtluaa,ileiynydswe?ohecoflrofoiHsgnaoocg-auwccnpaadnelleolcolgtsueureldreacwetoscosoucoruniu?leatnndtttrpiYytyasooh’stuuests
imitatingan“animal-in-heat”emotionwhenhefellunexpectedlyillandpassedaway.Hisname universityhadtoemployextracustodians makemesick.
wouldremaininrelativeobscurityforthenextcoupleofcenturiesuntilmoderndayarchitects toclearoutthecorpses,whichcreatedjobs.
discoveredandpublishedhispapers. Nurse,bringmemymedicine.
GENERAL ZHU ZHOU Di (1537-1573)
General Zhuwasa prominent figurein several ofthe Ming
dynasty'smajorbattles,althoughhistorianstypicallyattribute
hisvictoriestoluckratherthanmilitaryprowess.ManyofZhus
peersfelthewasmoretroublethanhewasworth,sinceZhu
tendedtofocusmoreonhishobbythananythingelse, Zhu's
primary interest, like manyyounggeneralsofhistime, was
withhorsesandridingfasthorses. Hewasinfamousamongst
villagersandfarmersforfrequentlyracinghishorsesthrough
theirsettlements-throwingneatlyarraugedpilesofdirtand
strawintocompletedisarray. However,hispassioninthisarea
alsoresultedintechnologicalinnovationsthatwecouldnotdo
withouttoday.Anaturalinnovator,Zhuwouldpurchaseaverage
qualityhorsesandreplaceexistingequipmentonthehorsewith
hisownbright,pastelcolouredreinsandsaddles. Customrein
andsaddle-jobsquicklygainedpopularityamongsthisfollowers. Zhualsodevelopedneon
lanternstobehungonahorse'sfroDtandrear,makingthehorseappearasthoughitcamefrom
thefuture. Heismostlyrememberedforhis“DynamicRear-Spoiler”whichwasessentiallya
wingattachedtothehorse'shaunch. Whileinmotion,theSpoilerliftedthehorse’srearend
reducingfrictionwiththeground-increasingitsoveralltopspeedandcorneringabilities.
Enthusiastsoften combinedall theabovecustomizationswithZhu’s*8-Ventricle/2-stroke
HorseHeart”whichdoubledthehorse'shorsepower. Duetohisabilitytoridefasthorses,Zhu
typicallyhadmoneyandconcubinesraindownonhimratherthanwater.
"Ourinterestratesmaybeaverage,but Introducting the
it'sbetterthanlosingapoundofflesh" Toike Oike
-ShylockGoldstein,President&CEO
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TheToikeOike,VolXCVII-IssueVIII,2004-Page5
Punctuation - The Untold Story
EverwonderwhytheEnglishlanguageissuchaconfusing,turbulentmiasmaofgrammar?Everwonder
-whyeachsentencemustendwithaperiodlesttheworldexplodeinaviciousfieryinferno?Evergetthe
feelingthere'smoretopunctuationthanwhat’staughtinschool?Ifnot,screwoffandgoreadsomething
else.Otherwise,here’stherealdealwithallyourgrammaticalfriends.Theonesyouconstantlymisused
throughoutmiddleschool.
Period: Beingthemostfrequently Exclamation/QuestionMark:
usedpunctuationmark,you’dthink Thesetwoareboththrillseekers:
that the period would be the most sky-diving,bungee-jumping,bull-
workstopoophualradr.toUdnofaorntyusnoactieallyi,zintgheanpdehraivoed usedtobotfihghltoionkgt-hethseaym’eve,dboutnethietaqlul.esTthieoyn pontj.notilingiaoa<^uiclcpoca3an3actionpacfect)
anykindoffun.Theperiodisalwaysworking mark was too uncertain about cliff-diving aaapnuo£jJooafjaff. ttl'cmenapini«iartyJ^aat
oelvleirpsteism.e..,Oensepeocfitahlelsyewdhayesnsoitmectohminegs’stgooitnheg ownacse,lelftanhduendchaewdkwaforrdwlayrdi.nRtehgearwdalteesrs,,atnhde tKctallamaoicaatouu3tf\cplatpiupJ'ict^cCcn
togive. twoarestillveryactiveandoutgoing. jaatc-i;«joutatertjfia\Vtimetooatcfi(|OuitzcatK.
Comma: Constantly misplaced Hyphen: Always sandwiched lyp " 1,, faff my potvis IDriat/Jo*aa-nn inpuica aic tfic fcaat ijou>
andleftplayingsecondfiddletothe betweentwolettersinsteadofnext u.JJ —"**- "”'1 sioitieavjfic.iiaicalti| yoo3ipmcejetamn)ci\vai|.
lgroeocnelgsuscsiaevnnepoteeleriinfineco.ged,Ws,,hatnehtdenheconcoocctmaospmimuaonmnctaatulurlwaynrtepiidltnaegtysosliapssotqqseuutiaarensytdh,, hyphen itmosonaerol.kin,keOe,tlnyhleikhaheunynyapgnhgyeinovovetiesnhreqrumfioptrreuonnmaicntpgauo,aptuwilitoahlnerd £ri rrJ"S4. s-4N'-vJIv**- IU " uCL*3.- 3inpe|jxuticfctCccuf3m,<ajctfftiiocotutarjttacimmctaftuaictJioflcoiOaactfHa,talvtefci.cpxnpfcajitoiclcanHucoccW3,tottatcnfai3cc
widbtiaestycmhowetmheheeekntqehuxeiottetmrawoiitoslirlto,noutvmbheaierrqcuktishot.rmoouHmwsoawtoehdfverepepruaen,mrcibstoeuodnafetaaitntohhdne bpdceoaofurnosteriy,en.sfa:rtReteqthguheaeernddtaplleseyrhsccsaeo,nnnttdfhutesshiegehdny,’mpsihhnopeuwlnesavcgseeeirgtt,nsh.wetihtnehijgiohtbts Lgj U Tm)^ i,v"M1eJ•vxU/7byLj:rj,lrrC~\“ O Donlo’tmvpl*a™y,ttwLo.onDAtfw/o(.,EARrfea;lLPm”a|n0/Tc!an
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sasfaenocrdmtveiAtcwh&ehaWtato.tictTo’usunhnsortaeultagielsshlfysiqceouodnimltwpeyiawtgnehoiaoelldtsifhesay,tu,cdoihutnearesetAtmohaTiitn&nhgTs.e toorgsano.metahriengloloeksisngretmoincihsacnegnettohfeiarnbaodmielsy WITHOUTYOU.THEREWOULDSI 0jaboatllttlEapcq(ahkuseiisdnpedsttoothfhetrlhitoakatuebglraheoNtdsh6oem4atrhrkoaudetmsebavlceosernmytpataalciclktm)ee.wlaeictpthlraitycheaerl
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tallpeoplegavemetimetothinkaboutmy bodyweightatalltimesbyclutchingontothe
newshortstature.Mostshortpeopleclaim playingrods.Nolongerisbasicwriststrength
theyenjoyamplelegroomwherevertheysit, prioritized.Weaklingsneednotapply.
which istrue. I feel howeverthese people
wouldprobablywanttohavelegsthelength 0 Loserofthe matchhas toplayagame
ofnormalpeopleoverallofthelegstretching ofRussianroulettebeforehecanaskfora
theyenjoy. rematch.
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sleepverycomfortablyatnight.
PeteSuddard
Page6-TheToikeOike,VolXCVI1-IssueVIII,2004
vILD
«
So readers, it’s the end of the Toike year, and by now our
legion of writers is justifiably burnt out. Month in and month out,
we’ve delivered the funny and frankly, we’ve had quite enough.
We’re still funnier than you, the unwashed masses that comprises our
readership. However, we no longer have the energy to expend in
actually putting together all the articles for you. If you’ve been a
loyal reader, there’s really no reason that you can’t do it yourself.
You know the formula. Listen, we’ll even provide all the components
necessary for a gut-busting Toike article; all you have to do is use the
template below and the ideas to the right, (ask a grownup to help
you cut out the photos!)
3ptThin-Thickdividerline
WittySubtitle;GeorgiaSmallCaps;11.5PT
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.
TheToikeOike,VolXCV1I-IssueVIII,2004-Page7
Step Ona: Pick a Flashy Headline
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tennis raquet
-And then you died.
-We couldn't even believe howsticky it was afterwards
-To think it all occurred while he was touching
himselfplayfully -So we’ll see you in Queen's Park tonight
Step Four: Pick some eye candy to make your article irresistable
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1
Page8-TheToikeOike,VolXCVII-IssueVIII,2004
HOW READY ARE YOU FOR EXAMS?
j\ Conversation
Takethis5minutequiztofindoutifyou’regoingtokickassorgetyourasskickedduringfinals.
tBetwixt Qentlemen
1. Yourclassattendancethisyearhasbeen: 6. Whenwritingtheexam,yourstrategyisto:
(a) Excellent.(Everyclass) (a) answertheeasyquestionsfirst,andsavethedifficultonesfor
oEnntaerdathrekDLuoknedoonfGsltoreuecte.ster&DukeofYork, (b) Good.(Afewabsences.) l(abs)t.answertheeasyquestions.
YORK: Athiefis none thebeggar‘less he (c) Fair.(Youliketosleepineveryonceinawhile.) (c) modifythequestionsyoudon’tunderstandtosuityourliking.
expectstobestruckdownatnight. (d) Notsogood.(Youliketosleepinalot.)
(d) scribbleyour answers sothe professorwon'tknowexactly
GtdihLloOiugUeCnccEaenS,sT’otElRdp:rforOtienecntda,ftolhegysgtywinatilglbhee’titnawkiL’tonhndbodynu,ea (fieg)urDeiosumtalw.ha(tYoaundstwilhlecrheetchkeRhOelSlIyoaunrdclcaosnsseusltarec.a)mpusmapsto w(eh)ataynosuwewrroatlel.themultiplechoicequestionswiththesameletter
youngrogue. (f) Non-existent.(Youweretheretopickuptheclasssyllabusand tomaximizetheoddsofgettingatleastoneanswerright.
YORK:Verilyso,yonderluckyblokehasever that’sit.) (f) doodleeroticcomicstrips.
stoodfastagainstthetideofthieveryandthe
commonbrigand. 2. Howmuchusehasyourtextbookhadthisterm?
You'veread:
GLOUCESTER:Iqueryyou,butwhens’tcan
thisvillanybebroughttojustice,gentleman? (a) Allthepages.
Surelythykinarefearfuloftheleastofthese
vagabonds, and dare not stroll the streets (b) Someofthepages.
pastth'strokeofeight?Whatsayyoutothat?
YwOeRgKa:thIersaoyurwewitlalkaentdoftehlletshtoreseetsf,ieannddsIbascaky ((cd))YSoauw’vtehgelmaonvcieed.attheback. 7r.ooTmo,pysoyuc:h yourselfupjust before entering the examination
tothecesspooloftheirsureorigin. (a) recite home-made acronyms to remember key points and
GLOUCESTER:Rightlysaid,Ishallgather- (e) Thebookisstillinitsoriginalwrapping. concepts.
tdaor-karcmosrnweirtshofmLyonednotnouroafgteh,eaevnidlvreirdmitnh!e (f) Youhaven'tevenboughtthebookyet. (b) calmlywhisperthephrase,“Serenitynow.Serenitynow."
Joutshteircemesahnasll.pLreetvatihl,erebybevingoilacnotsitsmspaifrendo, (c) swallow5Nytols.
nostonyrockunturned, inourbattlewith
theundercurrentsthatsoinflitrateourvery (d) chasetheNytolswithscotch.
bteeni!ngT!heMybeghiannndicnlgocokfhsiasytsoraysqhuaalrltetrhuspabset (e) yelloutthesong,"I’msofucked,it’snotmuchfun,unfucking
recorded!Bymytroth,Iamoff! myselfisnoteasilydone.”
YORK: Wait sire! You have forgotten thy (f) attemptsuicide.
flintlockanddagger!
GLOUCESTER: Ihaveforgotten nost! Nay,
whentimesareassuch,onemustrollupthe
sleevesandcombatthevilehenchmeninthe
very mannerthattheyhav’st accosted thy
bretheren.Ishallarmmyselfwiththybroad
bande,andresorttofisticuffsshalltheneed
arise.Thesescumdeservenomore!
YORK:Ifyemust,thenyemust.Ishallmount
Chester,mynoblesteed,andprowlthestreets
fromhighervantagethanthosecrims.With
rapierinhandnoneshallapproachwithout
heed.
GLOUCESTER:Alas,then letus forge our AnswerKey:
bladesinthefiresofholyprevail!Woeishe
thatstepsbetweenthysteedandthetrough Addupyourtotalscore,byusingthefollowingkey:
omforfer!eedom!Yonderpettythugsshallbestno ACB---435pppoooiiinnntttsss
D-2points
YcOoRmmKe:mAogrraeteed!dTihnisadpaiyctsohraalllbdeishpelnaycefoforntho EF--o1ppooiinntts
lesserequal.
Ifyouscored:
GLOUCESTER:Andthusrememberedasthe
daythefogliftedfromthestreetsofLondon! 0-6:Packyourthings,you'removingtoDeVry(whereverthefuckthatis!)
Ho! 7-13: hearRyersonhasaworldrenownedBasketweavingprogram.
YsuOcRhK:asMtohmeseen,twohuesreartehemohmoepnetssofinmhainstaorrey 14-20:YouareSOaverage...livealittle!
once morekindled andatonceourspirits 21-27:Well,atleastyourmother’sproud,evenifyouhavenosociallife.
uplifted. Nomoreshallbethedaysofold.
Onlywelcomethenewdawningatthisearly 28-35:Nothingbutacesupyoursleeve.Everyoneelsehatesyou.
hourofourtruesight.
GLOUCESTER:Spokenlikeaprophet,thou
hast riveted us so! Three cheers for the
gentlemenofvalour!
YORK:Hear,hear!
GLOUCESTER: Fear not, for we have the
virtueofhonourtoguideus,and thegods
shallgrantuspassagethroughthesetrialsby
mysticalmeansknownnottogentrysuchas
ourselves.
YORK:Strangerthingshavehappened,yes!
Formeremortalsknownotthequirksofthe
heavens,whodostplayrouletteonthewheels
ofourlives,andcastdieuponthepettiestof
circumstancedeemedbelowtheattentionof
thegods.
GLOUCESTER: Verily, you have spoken
true.
PaulDabrowski&KevinAu
“
TheToikeOike,VolXCVII-IssueVIII,2004-Page9
Monthly Book Review
INTERNATIONAL
HEWS BRIEFS Ourfavoritechildren’sauthorPatrickQuibbhascomeoutwithanewmysteryseriesyouare
boundtoloveagainandagain.Getatasteofhowsomeofhisnewestnovelsbeginandyouwill
bedyingtoknowwhathappensnext!
NEWCOLOGNE FORSTRUGGLING
GUYS Mystery of the Mysterious thing
PARIS,FRANCE(Reuters)-Afterhundreds CHAPTER /
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lost. Themusk is”,Herbertcontinueswith surrounded byvegetables, but not
pride, “a medley of natural grease and a the usual fare so often scattered
delicateblendofbodyodorcausedbyover aboutmypen.
twenty-eightseparatebacteriaandparasites.” the pry A Mysterious thing Mysteriously hrppened
Thisformulagoesbeyondmere“scent”. It
penetrates into the core ofthe customer’s CHAPTER / Hold on a moment here. What
bfreeeimnnadgle,ersiI.aCnfNgRfOTeecsMtRtuhPilOnetUDgsmUTatrCEhceoeIRmgmNpulCaGaertOtaNeManltPEfyeaAeWrdNl.doILeaEeItphNSesEromleevetlo, flMihinasemptooyGrlryeeaoxinncndiBttoAehnuemaecpwntatoir,rotlnIedswstsardhsurocinakeetduhtpeaesjfnotolr^yeg ,o^nViermfsoparotrgidtoBanfanfnwtliwietorxenhpoldefitocrhplteuolfaircnrphEsltaueteprhsvotibeispelcsedvuiaaelydtna.er drTtmuihhepudaemctlehlIaamsyfsdbhiteoanertmgrmielemlaatsneenthsttaseihntldli.iyslggehhrgltaaiiD?itbpiiinpdmdweaiIanntIoceteudaedesnrr’giItarngeoghnoeawsdviitteentoend?hor
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banner. Thismarksanewdevelopmentin
the technology industry, confirming the Something really is different here.
paccootwmsepruaftsuelramnceotemaxptpaehnnoisreisotnhaartogfu“eahitnsheartddi’c“sikt”’c.sonmopRtuittveharle Boththesenovelsaswellastherestoftheseriescanbepurchasedonthesecondfloorofthe Goondm,eIlmoiobndtayno!uI,tlbouotbsIprdeitdtny’tgogoedt
clockspeedofyourePenisthatmatters,but UofTbookstore. Theywillbeonsaleuntil1915sogettherewhileyoucan. much sun yesterday or anything,
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