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Uo45. 1° I 2003 ersity of Toronto's Humour' Newspaper o3fn.ee 1911 Official Sponsor ofthe Liberal Party NCWING To SEE, Move AEoMg. ,Y0URPUPRESUETSRREÎN!, P SEEPAGEG ^PECfflLHALLOWE'ENTRERT? m SEEBUCKPAGE NEVER TRICK OR TRENT IU0NE! = N — 2-TheToikeOike,VolXCVU-IssueII,2003 HEY Editorial KIDS! TrivialPursuits Don't Forget... Whatho? It’sthemonthofOctoberandwe B740SandfordFleming all knowwhatthatmeans: Hallowe’en and 1T0otreKloi:nn(tg4o1s6OC)No9ll7Me85g-eS29R31oG7a4d WCeOdN.TOEctN.T1M5E-E6T:I3N0GPS:M twfHorhoruicslktyeeotyuwh.aert’Ovyhpeoe,rubtsehhoeeannvablerbeauaelsldnyjbnoe’pyerbmneueptnbtatuer.sriynogfwiUmtnthyihivssseocriuhsslois.otuleyI e-fmaaxi:l:(4t1o6i)ke9(7®8s-k1u2I4e.5ca Sat. Oct. 18 - l:OOPM cwarnonbgewaay.damFnociunsgtpoloacmeucifhyoonustcahkoeol,itatnhde soonyou’llfindthatyou’vesoldyoursoulto http://toike.skuie.ca in EngCom!!! thedevil. Focustoomuchonfun,andyou endupworkingfortheToike. It’sano-win Editor-In-Chief KevinAu situation. CopyEditors TerryLung TheToikeOikeTop EightList O(fnanafarreelateetdnaol)te:wIe’ldcloikmeetoteoxtoeunrdangerwaensdt HollyWonch contributors. As the business goes, we 'TopEightThingsToDoWith weren’t able to print everything that we GraphicsEditor DavidKobayashi ACardboardBoxFoundInTheHallwayOfAResidence" erfefcoeritvsedt.hateNvoenretyhoenleespsu,tiIntahpipsrmecoinatthe.tIh’ed alsoliketowelcome back(with equivalent LayoutEditor JesseKatz-Totton fanfare) all of our new readers who shit QualityAssurance PaulDabrowski Stuffsomeoneinside,seali tEhdeumcsaetlivoensspseilcliyalwietdihtioounr.CWheootsoetalYloyurranOwount andseewhathappens. ofpapersinEngineeringandmoststandsin StaffWriters DaveMcKenna ArtsandScienceranoutquickly. I’mglad LaurentNoonan 7. Useitasalarge,uncollad youenjoyedit! Webm=aster AntAhnonniyeAAUplioncsnetooXlludi 65.. WcSreaaiultteiiot"nwtiittmahepepm,aaaccnkhdiinngîtcaSpêt)ransnmcohgrhQiojfldiedeslreiTnosfirt,rtw-htrehahepalslii.tdien fOaisusnchwkiaesnttshoupirnneyrgaeskal.nuadptT.ehndeoLneCwottoeismt:’jsmutsoththenehwSooLepirnbelesdrteahilRsesey’cvhhotaalunvurgetniianotnngo inklingofwhattheFedshave. I’dliketosend ProductionStaff andgoadventurin^Btiyourstuffedtigerfriend. ashoutouttotheHonourablePrimeMinister Art/Graphics HenrAylCeKxhaeWnutniUng I(nwhtahtewwiansteirn,tfihlleitbwoixtthosbneogwinawnidthu)s.eitasafridge JtkithenewaonhWweiCnwnhhnriaitetptwieiielgslnmFnawrorheieoljouPnwargnaeeassr.srbaeePsceecrsnrahtiyalmiypinnsgaq:luI.o“wtIielIdldowntib’lrylty Putapillowinsideandrentitouttostudentswith havemymoneyformyfineandajointinthe layout DeanFinlayson otherhand." AnnatKoren atwo-hourcommute. FillitwithwarmwaterandcreateyourownJacuzzi. O!Canada. Here’stoallthetrivialpursuits Writers BrianCox NormanGoh Useittosmuggleprogrammablecalculatorsandtest SeanHockins solutions. JamesHoller DavidKim KevinAu RonnieLinklater ToikeEditor 2003-2004 NickLoberto PraDvaeveerSPhroacrtmoar TEssR® ass ia-sMu«aECU IS! OES Best Wings BenSpigel £ DougStiles OS B2H I IjESfiiMsS Best Student Pub As a one time editor ofthe Toike, I had isnowtheFacultyofLaw. Thepapershad WHAZZIZ? always heardthatToike Oike is a playon sportwithFlavelle(whoownedwhatbecame -2002eyemagazinereaderspoll TheToikeOikeisacovertorganization T.O. forToronto Ontario and the fact that Maple LeafMeats), accusing him ofliving committed to the proliferation of T.O.washogtown. Itispronouncedexactly highoffthehogwhiletheboyswerefighting humourattheUniversityofToronto. the way it is spelled: as though one was inSouthAfrica. Therewasacartoonaround esItoduicmsautociuhornmasaisnidNtaOitsTeabtaoobuoituntssishytaoputihrnagtcayyrooeuuerrr ewpmxraaposnlnyanonouatentxciipniolnncaginorafcttuhaileojanatsoniioi’ntfooaarrststtiahhnyeeiotnniignamk"me.TeIa,IkwehabausatdeHdyirioketeuao"drr tWDihnaaeitrlhiteeOusfVrfatnirhcsaeoitftdhyrtaaehdsersoheluiadnmsdtaas1cn9epd7in6ght,siusar(lyiatosnswigonacwsioiantrteehepsaroaifstnttttoehhrdeey outlook on life to come. So lighten (1974-75). and the reference seems out of ofgreed,graftandcorruption,assuagedby up, sit back and have an iced tea stepwiththegeneralslangoftheIrishinthe thegift). (even ifit’s cold outside). Our ranks early1900s. Thepublicationsthatweused are filledwithzealous revolutionaries to keep in the Sandford Fleming building Inmydaywehitcirculationof24,000. We from both Engineering and Arts & (old Varsity's and other publications sadly hadArtsiewritersatthetimeaswell,oneof Science.Wemeeteverymouthonthe lostinthefireof1976)madereferencetothe thebestisnowaProfessoratWisconsinand Saturday following distribution. Viva patigfnoooitsbeasllgutmtautrcahlelsy,exapnrdessseodmbeyheonwgiTnoeiekres agontotmhoenreisyafpruobmliSsAheCraonutdwweesta.ctTuhaelTloyihkaedatlhseo larevolution! Oike came about. When chanted, it was: mastheadreadthatthepaperwaspublished DISCLAIMER toik-eyoik, toik-eyoik, ullum te chullem de by the SAC President, with the statement eiiHtein che...AllIaskisthatyoupromotethecorrect "The Toike receives financial assistance The radical, ultra left-wing opinions usage;itisyoursacredtask. from SAC...So blame them." Ofcourse the expressed in this newspaper do SAClogowasthereaswell,withthedome not necessarily reflect those of the We taught it to all Flrosh as "toikeyoik", halfpainted. Thestaffwasessentially7or8 Weekly Events: EngineeringSocietyorthe University orjust the "toik". This pronunciationwas people,withtheAssistantEditordoingmost nowmderfaoictteTenesororsirtsaao.rtlnirItylfwoyyit.otoFhuesIilunhnleaeftpduahspce,ttes,hnaeesttpwoohaepefgyiienhnsiddaoovaonnefns’fytaeonocfsefrivattvehhceneek, fpnhWfroiraarisormev.tfneihaddetaehoAerndflrasdm,iot,loyswwthmamfoyaroeytyh(geawlirrahn'rtageseedranu(lanafieeItrnineoebggdmdehi4bncdiTeonau9eurm)hrrie.inoshgfeHahdttdeiehhtaeehowdraosGdrftrbkreeyteoaahdmmtea oatcppfyurocbopltoloehunifetmcscrnoataptsyiciinpetotoirononf)rg,ptt.wuehathxenIttodismonhpatngeahcntdiehtsoliageminccenoctetvreshooseta-lsrnsvotttdefaohdtteiaihtrcgeseapo-pldrrtaliatypenypyeotisrfebn.de(agfwwoiotWertuhetehte TWhTeuuMrdeossnnddedaasyaydsy:a::TyMoP:oaunObnlpReVeusTnl,oeMMosaisr&ketediPanrHiiiytcsees btreianmgtohfacpraianc.khSeuacdkal.awyers ready to vnaarmieetdy)VearnndonhewhkonweawsaalsroetairSekdulceo-TwMorgkreard tbhoeanrdcu(tlaragnedcpaarsdtbeodartdheshteeexttsoengtmoenatgeadllbeyy Frlday:ApresSuds! fromjustbeforetheGreatWar. ImetVernon grids)alongwithanypicturesordrawings Saturday:SurpriseEvents aatndthhee9c0ltahimbeidrtthodaryemoefmmbyerlattheenfeirisgthbToouirk,e wtheewoapnptoesdintgophaavgee.s lWohoaketdwleikgeot(ownaesgawlhlaety Sunday:FreePool& Comedy (ita).veVreyrnpoolnituesegdostshiepssahmeeetprboynutnhceisatoiuonndsanodf hthaednthreunfrtohntemanudpbtaockthpeagpreisntoenriat)n.dIrweotuulrdn 229 College Street ccoornrgercattuulsaatgeed,mceon(tfhiirsmiisnbgacykeainrs19l8a8t)eronwhtahte aatndsixdienlitvheermtohrenmingtotoSgcaatrhbeerriuap,tShPeSpap(earnsd (“CE" on Campus map) myfather'sfriendhadsaid. Healsorecited its subsidiary colleges near St. George) www.ein-stein.ca anoddcheerthatwassimilartothecurrent and then Urindale (in a rentedvan). Our 6/59-STEI cheer, but with a lot moreguttural noises offices(Toike,BFC,LGMBandStores)were 4 andsnorting,andabusivecommentsabout onthesecondflooroftheold UofTPress 1 architects (apparently pretend engineers) building,andmake-upmeetingswereevery andothercolleges. Heclaimedthatthepiggy thirdSaturday. Beerand fast foodwasthe BEER*WINGS»POOL»JAVA*NTN noises were due to a Mr. Flavelle having essentialingredientforallissues. SPORTS»MUSIC»pBl‘SPIRITS made a bundle during the Boer War and COMEDY*JUKEBOX*EVCNTS thengivinghishometotheUniversitywhich -TheExpulsive TheToikeOike,VolXCVII-IssueII,2003-Page3 News Briefs Survivor Trades White Sands for Black Eyes CINNABON EOMLPDLMOYAENECANED BY eImnnorraoelnleapdlgeeinntwifhfieruslrteyterhaeaarnlbiittoyh,etkeenleeupvmiisbnigeornsusochfhoaFwlssrhoaosrwhe sawoinuthgihdstekaelatcmchhoyo,rieicneunerfrbo-arcnitfyli,olcmeaivtneigno-nat.sheT-iotlroicosanltlsoo-aawdraeesd- stbheeeetrwmeeseinsthSteuoropvrimovudorucschearntsdimnheoatvseepneofniutngaohllngyrqaruteauarilrtieozluedss TmheiOnRwoOarsNThaetOatda-cAkdeidCsicbnoynmafabonorntoledlmapsmltaoynweeeaetksuafwflehorceeandl oAfpffraersSsithucfraeivaswinvaydoerdatirhfcsefo,iAncytumoliautnz'utoveaens,tkso.ubruavtsBituvnoteoudntwdhtt.ehheepyOOruovptderbureacscetekrhn,set awbofunartlsayidnro-oanttteyh.peferinnJdecaiihnngogehobsoaoinunnerdg,hoods. The problem sex. Afterall,sextruvpallilyloalydeeoarnescrsegusemlaclesa.nntNospopswoewstittethldhee shoppingmall.Thealtercationbeganwhile the ultimate story of a true struggle for Finch was selected toreason,compromise part-time employee Fred Peart was trying survival,onethatwillpushplayerstotheir from a lengthylistof or that annoying toonleyxspellalisncitnontahmeonolbduntsi.mer‘HtehaatskCeidnmneabfoonr oFuitnecrh.reTahlemsohfoswanhiatsy,clSeuarrvliyvoerx:haJuasnteedanaldl piontcelnutdiianlg Plaorckadtailoen,s cshaiwldbisehtwbeiecnkeTreindgawned ahalfpoundofcinnamontoffee,andItold exotic, utopian venues and the producers Scarborough Town Ghandia in Thailand. himthatwedidn’tsellthat,”saidPeart. “He Centre, New College Surely, some form startedtosmackhisgumstogether,andhe and the Innis College of small arms would calledmea‘damnliar'...andhitmewithhis basementbathroom. have put an end to cane. Itriedtogetawaybutthehook(on everyone's headache thecane)wascaughtinmycollar. Thenhe As usual, sixteen during that episode. startedtojabmeinthechin. Islidoutofmy redneck Americans ObviouslytheLinearAlgebratextbookhasmind Fortunately for CBS, shirtandran.” Rickenbackerisnotpressing willbeshippedtothe bendingpowers their lawyers altered anycharges. site and divided into the Survivor contract two tribes: No Frills and Petro-Canada. so that the company essentially owns the However, several exciting changes are players’ souls for thirty-nine days so the PEDESTRIAN RIPPEDAPART BY planned. Firstofall,fifteendeadlyweapons showwillkillintheratingsdepartment,so CARSTEREO awreeapuopnsforranggreabfsrofmorathseileSnucrevdivoprisst.ol Tahned ttohesmpseealk.veIsnwfiatcth,ouSturpvriivoorrwsrictatne'tnecvoensnernetl.ieve ScoCmAmRuBtiOnRgOfUrGomHSc-arbAoroUughowfasTtorsntuadpeanrtt RustedOutFourWThoeWeilnendiBnogxesAreEssesntial tahnrdowainrgealklnyi,verseatloly,alrienaelalryaslhgaerbprastteicxkt.booIkt Continuedonpage9 yAecsctoerrdd.ayThbeytshteudceanrtswtaesrewoaoiftiang19t9o1crHoosnsdaat Volkswagen Announces New Marketing Campaign the intersection ofWarden and Ellesmere at 4:30 pm when sub-sonic sound waves “We’llbeattheJapaneseattheirowngame!”declaresspokesperson. from the Accord ripped apart his physical form. One witness recalled the scene: “I heardayell,andIlookedoverandsawthis FRANKFURT,Germany-Volkswagenplans automobilemanufacturersToyota dude bending over, holding his stomach. toexportanewlineoffuel-efficientvehicles and Honda. “Ifthe Americans Thenhistorsojustrippedapart,armsand toNorthAmericaasearlyasthisNovember. want plastic cars, we’ll give legsflying...itwashorrible.” Torontopolice “Exports to Europe are also possible in them plastic cars,” declares forensicsexpertsareunabletodeterminethe the near future," said Ferdinand Piech, Volkswagen’s spokesperson. exactcauseofdeath, and itisstill unclear Volkswagen’sPresidentandCEO. “We’llbeattheJapaneseattheir whetheranychargeswillbepressed. owngame!” Volkswagenhastakenaradicallynewdesign philosophyfortheconstructionofthisnew “Theyarenottheonlyoneswho MAN WEARING MAGNAVOX line. “TheMiniMiniBeetleisacarthatcan can make small, small things,” ODYSSEYT-SHIRTCOOLERTHAN compete in the lightweight classes,” says addstheCEO.Thecompactcosts MAN WEARINGATARI T-SHIRT wPiheicchh. hAansdnolirgmhatlwleyighbteeintias.ssoTchieatecdhaswsiitsh, Vaoboluktsw$a2g3e0nienxptehectUsnittoesdelSltaotveesr. trademark German steel, is replaced by 500,000 MiniMiniBeetles this TORONTO-LocalstudentJeffWinterswas modernplasticcomposites,whiletheoverall year,accordingtoPiech. While caughtoffguardyesterdaywhenhewalked massisreducedbyafactoroften-arecord onlytheMiniMiniBeetleisbeing into the subway wearing an Atari t-shirt, breaking 150 lbs. The fuel efficiency of launched this year, there are only to see someone wearing a Magnavox the MiniMiniBeetle surpasses all existing planstoexpanditintoafullline Odysseyt-shirt. Winters hunghisheadin ratings. Driverscanexpecttogetaninfinite ofaffordableluxuryvehicles.Car shame,asthelongdefunct1970’sMagnavox numberofkilometersperliterofgasolinedue enthusiasts are optimistic that Odysseyvideogamesystemisamuchmore totheimplementationofanewenginethat Mercedes and Daimler-Chrysler obscure retro pop-culture reference than Germans technicians are calling the 'dual willfollowsuit. Atari. Wintersexitedatthenextstopand foot-peddledevice’. hurriedtothenearestGaptoregainhissense “Dude! That means moreeasilycrushable theMiniMiniBeetle.“Weareonlyproducing ofcoolness. “Youarenowonlylimitedbyhowlongittakes cars for me to blow up,” says Arnold convertiblesright now,”saidaVolkswagen your legs to fall off!” said an enthusiastic Sharp, a Grand Theft Auto enthusiastand spokesperson, “because there just aren't Volkswagenengineer.TheMiniMiniBeetleis the current record holder for the longest, enoughthree-footmonkeysaroundtheworld CLOTHING COMPANYMISSPELLS justpartoneofVolkswagen’snewmarketing continuous rampage. There are a few todrivethesemachines. Driversarewanted; strategytoundercutthemarketsofJapanese problems that Volkswagen is having with especiallyiftheyarethree-footmonkeys." "FUCK”, SWEATERS RUINED Errorandtragedystruckthefashioncircuit earlierthismonthwhenthepopularclothing Teach Mercenaries need technical support? company French Connection misspelled thelong-timefavouriteprofanity“Fuck”on OVERSEAS all oftheir printed sweaters, t-shirts, and paraphernalia. "This isn’t what we wanted atall,”thecompanyPresidentsaid,staring attheletters FCUK. "Now, instead ofkids looking rude and obnoxious, they’ll just appear coy and trendy." The company’s newlyhiredChiefSweaterEditorwasasked howtheywillavoidanyrecurrencesofthe incident: “We’regoingtostickwith simple oneslike ‘Ass’ fornow- they’reharderto screwup." WeaponsandTacticsTrainingCourses HOWARD HAMPTON INFECTS HIMSELFWITH SARS Intensive50-hourTWTTcourses GuerillatechniquesappliedtoJungles NEWMARKET-ClaimingthatLiberaland Detailedbattleplanning PC leaders lacked the leadership qualities Skillsdeveloped!marksmanship,agility, requiredoftheofficeofPremierofOntario, strength,leadership,deiterity,gambling NDP leader Howard Hampton infected IComprehensivearsenalprovided shnloietmeisvceeelsafbalwnyidtwhviontwdheeeddStoHAaRfimSgphttvtiohrneusvrioTrluulesesd“daausyp.hahriAds IHliysptniontgi0c!salromgsandseaalnedrsg,rhoousppicthaabn,tianngdair* ansotIwaiflrlaifdighttofboertyhoeucritniezxentsporfeOmnitear.r”io.TIh’em Bsteriopnstfhreofmraonrtoulinndestohfeawonrelwdrevolution! publicitystuntwasstagedinfrontofasmall crowdofcuriousonlookersatUpperCanada ForMoreInfoContactYvgenyZholkov*. Mmaalslk.sTahnedNrDuPbbeorrgaglnoivzeesr,sptrhoenmpptaisnsgedloocuatl Internat+i0on1a1l1M1e6r8ce7n5ar1y8'sGuild The Toike 24 hour technical support line is just a phone call away. teen Justin Schenkman, 17. to say, “That dudeiscrazy." www.GunsForHire.com Call 416 946-3586 A Page4-TheToikeOike,VolXCVII-IssueII,2003 ROOMMATE PRANKS! October is Hunting Season THIS MOUTH: SPECIAL HALLOWEEN EDITION AGuideforFirstYears '7 * ‘ CREAM YOUR ROOMIE WITH THEAGE OLD LOGAND ROPE TRICK! pm THELOO B/ICH STEPP; ALLOWHILARITY TO ENSUE. BRINGITON!Thispairof“suckers"areabouttobetornsomenewassholes. ANP AIM ITAT YOU Another year has passed and it’s October tenminuteswiththosepadsislikedoinga ROOMIE11 HEAP. again-myfavouritemonthoftheyear. Mini thousandpush-ups. Youshouldalsopractice chocolatescannowbeeatenathome,onthe doinguppercutsintoawaterfall. Takeitin road,atwork,oratplay.Littlekidsarebusy stepsthough. Startbydoinguppercutswhen cuttingupgarbagebagstolooklikecapes, youshower. Settheshowerheadto“pulse" HEY! TRY THESEBONUSHALLOWEEN PRANKS..... baanlddithnagtksihditwtyitahnitmhaetbeldueChtaorwleileBwrhoownke(etphse fwoarntmtaoxbiemaubmletroesdiostuapnpcee.rcutEsveanttutahlelbyo,ttyoomu talking about some pumpkin patch) [Ed ofNiagaraFalls. note:thatwouldbeLinus!]isoneverydayat 6:30pmonCBC. Itmustbethattimeofthe Now remember, against a vampire you’ll yearagain! That’sright-vampirehunting havetwopotential weakspots: your neck seasonishere! andyourprivates. There’sasimpleexercise youcandotostrengthenyourneck. Stretch Vampirehuntingisfunandagreatwayto yourheadoutinaslow,fluidcircularpattern meet people, but many first year hunters every night before bed. Do ten rotations neglecttopreparethemselvesproperlyand clockwise and then ten rotations counter- endupdisappointedwiththeirfirsttimeout. clockwise. Remember, this should be a Thisarticlecoverssomethingsyoushould slow,peacefulturningofyourhead-you’re dotomakesureyourvampirehuntinggoes nottakingyourdriver’stest. Totrainyour smoothlythisyear. privates,gettwo10”lengthsofstringandtie astandardmasonrybricktoeachtesticle. At HEY YOU! SEND US YOUR The first thing you should know is that first,leavethemonforabout5minutesata vampires are fucking strong! They could time. After a couple ofthese sessions you ROOMMATE PRANK IDEAS AND YOU probably bench press a thousand pounds, shouldbereadytostartwalkinglapsaround break a schoolbus in two, swim a couple yourneighbourhood. Ultimately,youwant COULD WIN A SOCK FULL OF PENNIES. oflaps* andstill haveenergylefttothrow tobeabletodoatleast5setsof20jumping mamafromthetrain! Thatbeingsaid,you jacks with them on. Women will have to can’t really match a vampire in strength piercesomethingfirst,Iguess. but keeping physically fit will lower your chancesofbeingtornapartlikeacondomin Being physically and mentally prepared thehandsofaF!rosh. Sostarttrainingnow. won’t be of much help without the right Trainhardandtrainnon-stop. Forinstance, equipment. There is standard gear that Twin ofSUBWAY® Spokesperson pitutallsotmheeDwra.yHuop.padAsccoonrdyionugrptoecBsrauncdetLueren, eofvegrayrlivca,mapisrhearhpuennteedrssthaokue,ldahpaavier:ofancihgahitn- visiongoggles,andlotsofholywater.Allfour Jared Fogle Spotted in McDonald’s itemswillprobablyrunyoualittleover$100 on eBay butyou don’twanttogo hunting Back Alley wiimtpohrotuatntt.hemT.oaThvaemplaisrte,itaemfaicse-pfaurltlicouflhaorllyy water is about asbad as gettingyourface Very Big Man at Large pdeivsisledomnonbkyeaygsrouwphoofahmamvoenijuums-tdrfiinniksihnegd fornicatingwildly. You can usuallysave a fewbucksbygettingapriesttoblesssome Fast food chain SUBWAY®’s national Fellow Grade 10 student Shawn Winters water for you. Just tell him you want to spokesperson, Jared Fogle, inventor ofthe remembers more details. “When the baptizesomeofyourfriendsorsomething. If “SUBWAY®" diet, has been proven as a flashlightsfromthecamerawentoff,helet youwantsomeextrastrengthholywater,you fraud. His 500 lb twin, James Fogle, was outthis,like,weird,animal-likewail,andhid canusuallycatchJesuschillingoutsideThe sighted by four teenagers behind a local hisheadinhishands.He,like,droppedhis EatonCentre. It’llcostyoualittlemorebut McDonald’searlyTuesdayafternoon. McDonald’sbagsandstartedrunningaway. it’sworthwhilefortheextraholypower. Fivesecondslater,heranbackandgrabbed Theteens,agedbetween14and16,purchased thetwobagsoffoodclosesttohim,wailed Followthetipsinthisarticleandbythefinal severalMcDealcombosbeforewalkinginto again,andthenaddledoutofthealley.We witchinghour,you’llhaveeventhebiggest, the back alley to enjoy their meals. They onlysawaSUBWAY®,EATFRESH!sticker nastiest, and ugliestvampires groveling at were taken bysurprisewhenthey saw an onablackvanasitpulledaway.” yourfeetbeggingformercy. Youwon’tgive extremelylargemanattheotherendofthe it to them though, right?Tease them! Cut alley,whowaslaterconfirmedtobe25-year- Whenaskedwhytheteensweren’tinclass yourown neckorsomethingand say, “Oh oldJamesFogle,Jared’stwin. at the time of the incident, they became crap! I’mbleeding!Ohno! Lookatallthis very defensive and gave several different blood leaking out ofmy neck! What do I “When we first saw him, we thought he answers. withit!?Ican’tdrinkitallmyself...ohwell wasjust some really big creepy homeless Shoulder-blade ...IguessI’lljusthavetothrowitout!" Ha! person," 14-year-old FrankSandras recalls Jared S. Fogle became a household name Ha!Ha!Stupidvampire!Ahhh,goodtimes. tsSahUiedB,bWi‘AgHYOmL®oYmceSonHmtIm.eTr,c“iiTta'hlsest!nh'atCShagaumdy(f(RrCohobumerrctthshioolnsl))e fStohUuerBwWoyreAalYrds®byagccoolmawmihemericnngiahtleos.hfiarvsHetelaopsptseu2arr4pe5rdilsbeisdn. Secoenxedrcpiossei.tion. Asnainfgyehwtaanyinds,lhaatrpeepOmycethmoubnbeterirngts!hoadtreitsscawnargmelty.colPdlaayt tookouthisdigitalcameraandtookacouple eatinglittlemorethantwolow-fatSubway ofshots.Bythetimeweranupthere,hewas sandwiches every day for almost a year. Intensephysicaltrainingisaprerequisiteforall MorrisFeldmanhasbeenhuntingvampires alreadygone.” Sincethen,he’sbeenfeatured indozensof vampirehunters forthreeyearsandhasalv.75necromancer television commercials and is prominently displayedinall SUBWAY®subshops. Not onlydidhebecomethefaceof“SUBWAY®", he also became an inspiration to many individuals struggling with their weight. His “SUBWAY® diet” became a symbol IP #487: ofdetermination and hope. Thanks to his acteria einxtaompSlUeB,WmAorYetaonhdavmeoroneepoefoptlheewsiexredegleitctiionugs your fwroenez,etrf.orTmhaitn subsunder7gramsoffat. means never having Subway is the worlds largest submarine to do dishes again! sandwich franchise, with more than YOU LAZY RAT!!! 14,000 independentlyowned and operated L-R:JamesanilJaredFogle Continuedonpage8 i/iejcu/ceui#ce, v'OfAtvu-issue11,2003~Page5 Mb * ' ' ron Mierds Who Study a Lot \Academics. Wei*n,t°ehrvOiUerwSeAdTahaknd,aftnudl,fofnefrid^sdotnh1ec'atVimtmpeust0wehxoercciuisrjerSernetglUy,;aprrlaycI'tiHcoewevCT'>s0™-Acnae•dredmsicas™"aabnldesteoledcoteitdtthhaeinrksmotsotagrowin-rgr.ahtiep-innecwrefaadsicnaglleexde"rEcxitsrese.me m )S? * , m THE SMARTBELL CURL m T, ONE-MINUTE SPRINT *»** ‘ ualalvo*wintgk.yocu/rasseslfonlyone"Vt^>°ar,"e°[ x the hot-girl stand-beside ^ «kedule classes back-to-back at I Standbesideareallyhot9 Commutesormere. polarlengthsoft¥campus.) Xmng-Extendedexposuretohotgirlmayresultm —hea—rt-attack.Performexercis_ewithcautwnV -yts, i a ! '"7in;, f 5 TH* EXERCISE-BIKE-COMPUTER Y okefseZnlewubiTke-côrrjCpOuntVe>rUs,aerreâvâiel'abeledtobUyoyfoTusrtpueddeanltisnag< 7W-. ft C ûfTo-POUNV ainoundsuspen S. THE HOT GIRL STAHD , ra“,_ BESIDE AHD HAIR SMELL Ogeeyou are able toperforrn exercises 3and4cornfortablyyoucanaddanew dimensiontothisworkoutbysmellingthe girl'shair. Elation Turned to Disappointment as Mother’s Catching UD with U ofT Alumni : Poor Fashion Sense Creates Another Debacle I AsT0LDT0AnnieUnnoldbyGeraldinePirrsFIELD AJAX-Uponreturninghomefromhisfirst ofChristmasesandbirthdays in which his “AttendingtheUniversityofTorontowasthe insidemycell,butI'llneverforgettheletter twoweeksofuniversity,DavidVandernoose mother’s lack of style would hamper his mostvaluableexperienceofmyyounglife. mother sent me saying that the petunias was pleased to find a pile ofnewT-shirts present contents. “Yeah, last Christmas Aftergrowing up ina small didn’tblossomuntilJuneonaccount waitingforhiminaplasticbagbythecorner shegotmelikeacoupleofgolfshirts.One community,beingatuniversity ofthenastyweather.Icould of his kitchen. However, David’s elation wasgreyand theotherwas lime green or exposedmeatoawholenew hardlybelievethenews! soon turned to bitter despondency when something.Sheseesmeeveryday;shehas world of life experiences he realized that his mother hadyet again toknowthatIwouldneverwearthose.What notsimplylimitedtothe Then, without botched her efforts atbuying him clothes. wasshethinking?" bachelor'sdegreethatI warning, it was Tohisdismay,uponopeningthebag,David earned in economics 1974. I was out in discoveredthatallthet-shirtshadpockets Despitethefrequencyoftheseevents,David Why, had it not the world again ontheirleftbreast. states he has no plans ofconfronting his been for U ofT, I and everything motheraboutthequalityoftheseitems: would have never had changed. “Yeah man, it was a real fuckin drag," learned how to live Suddenly, a Vandernoosesaid. “I know she isn't doing it out ofspite or independentlyofmy restaurant wasn’t anything. It mustbelikeakind ofmental family, seduce men any good unless “wIhiwtaest-alslhihratspptoyctoomfeinhdoImheadto,abbeucnacuhseofthnoeswe balnodckevorersyotmheitnhginagn.dIImedoann'titwiasntthotuoghthfuurlt afosrhparnokfito,utoorffnaosthhiionng Mityhapdaraenstasladwbearre. alwayscomeinhandyright?Butthenwhen her feelings. Generally Ijust say ‘Thanks, morethanagarterbelt dead by no fault of IopenedthebagIwasalllike‘awwwwww that'sexactlywhatIneeded,orthat’sniceor and a ballpoint pen. my own, and I was maaaaannnn’, because they had those something.'Ijusttrythemonandwearthem alone with nothing stupid-ass pockets on the front. What the foraboutfiveminutes,andthenIthrowthem After graduation in 1942, but a university degree. hellisthepointofthosethingsanyway?Who inmydrawerandneverlookatthemagain." I found myselfmoonlighting So,I foundedanon-profit goesaroundcarryingaroundthingsintheir as a dancer at the now-defunct organization that promised t-shirt?Buyafuckin’pairofpantsdude." Davidendedupbringingthemuchmaligned gentlemen'sclub,TheGentlemansClub. to put a salad bar in every T-shirtsbackwith himtohis NewCollege Mylifewasreallybeginningtotakeshape floundering restaurant in the country. So Apparentlythiswas notthefirsttimethat residencewhereheplanson wearingthem until I had to kill the Club’s proprietor, hereIam,retiredwithgod-knowshowmany David’s mother’s lack ofknowledge ofher whenallhisotherclothesaredirty. Pete,whoIhadbeenshackingupwithsince grandchildrenandIwillalwaysbegrateful sons dressing habits had created tension graduation. My,what awinterwehadthat totheUniversityofTorontoforsettingmeon at home. David relates several instances JamesHoller êar!Tobefair,Ididn'tseemuchofitfrom mywayallthoseyearsago.” - Page6-TheToikeOike,VolXCVII-IssueII,2003 Ui HtHfa Section1:Calculus Question1-2. Evaluatetbcfollowingindefiniteintegral.Pleaseshowallthestepsofyour Question1-1.Fmdthederivativewithrespecttorofthefollowingfunction solution. 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Bringyourinstrumentandafewofyourfavouritepieces. Wrahiisliengmotshetirofhhaenrdsfriienndsclahsasv,epnloaypirnogbltehme ein°stein trumpetupovertheirheadsinanexuberant WWhheerne:: 6Oc-t9obpemr7, fboaensthttiehoren,dsaioydrse,dliaannencsdinosfgwtehoaetr“iYonMgwC.nAR”le,ifceAe,ndwtdiysihnmciuinsdgtenfstoisrt Weekly Events: Signin: OutsideSF1105 ofbeing“dissed”becauseofhersweatiness includeaformerso-calledfrienddousingher MondayiManVs.Martini MOSTIMPORTANTOFALL NOEXPERIENCENECESSARY! underarmswithwaterandprancingaround Tuesday:ToonieToosedays GeneralquestionsortogetinvolvedwithProduction:[email protected] inacruelimitatingformat. Wednesday:OpenMikeNile Forgoing conventional methods of sweat Thursdays:PubRules&Prices BAD WAYS TO STUDY cionnsttreoaldofsjuucshtdeaosdorabnuty,in(gwhicahntaispeervsepriyroannet Frlday:ApresSuds! knows just masks odour, not eliminates Saturday:SurpriseEvents FOR A BIG TEST wdeutcnke-stsa)p,inJgomhinnsiosnpohnagsesetxopehreirmaernmtpeidtswaintdh Sunday:Free 00I& Comedy walkingreallyslowlytoclasstogetajump starton notperspiringfortheday. Friend 229 College Street ByP-DubandLorenzo a“InfdAdndeiyghwbaosursoPmaettysorBtarotflehtitppcyomtmyepen,tetdh,e ("CE” on Campus map) sweatingwouldnotbenearlysomuchofan www.ein-stein.ca tMhiedtbeesrtmswaayretocogemtinregsuulptsf.orYaoulotmaofystthuidnenkttsh,eafnodlleovweirnygotnreieisd-laonodk-itnrguefomretthheoidnssiodfesttruadcykionng icslsouteh,esbuftrotmheGfaapctarnedmaJiancsobt,haItmsehaen,weafurlsl 41 6/59«STElN areguaranteedmoney,buttheyaren’t!Don’tmakethesamemistakeswemade! price stuff, solet’s face it, pit stains don’t work as accessories.” At press time Addy BAD: Followyourprofessortohiscarintheparkinglot,grabhimfrombehind,knock was still experiencing embarrassment due BEER*WINGS*POOL*JAVA*NTN him outwithasharpblowto thebackoftheneck,andinitiatea Vulcan mind-meld. to underarm moisture, but still staunchly SP0RTS»MUSIC*<?B1‘SPIRITS Usingyourassimilatedknowledge,acethetestthenextmorning. Noonewillfindout, refusestoseekprofessionalhelpforreasons COMEDY*HIKEBOX*EVENTS becauseyoudumpedyourprofessor’sbodyonCollegeSt.togetrunoverbyastreetcar, ofpride. eliminatingtheonlywitness. BeambackaboardtheEnterpriseafterthetest,andseta courseforRigel7,Warp5. Fogle Brothers Caught WHYIT’SBAD: Vulcanmind-meldsonlyworkonconsciousvictims,youidiot. And becauseyou’resostupid,youwouldprobablymessitupanyway,andfryhismindor Cont'dfrompage4 ystlbmfeohoouofuamnctv'teeklrestebye,hdiaapintblunlgyaapgabom,nuoenhnpiunaiCsttntnoibod5glnrlWkagtteimoahgna/eret.bnhrpSoa.twuv.9,teh.Hlei2ehtrit’’aseshdnuecpwdnrrrleouyoiueakobllteaudlfbayaclyltayhoeeneiuewsnbwiubdeorteehu?utllphytdeChWireengeare5Ttrti-oanpkyriieton5lailn.lrymteedoTonlhobGfdatoyetrnmrteisewhrulneoapaduslpxtleiyrHdrnoeo.geutstaopcBlkinaeuetrfttaR,1lihas2gswei3eei.mlfi7to7nhwry,gieateatahrsfhssepe.heawp.cfo.ribtowearcfrlortlyykahyoeoneiunukyf rtri“teehehmmSseegmbtUaeadarpdBriudiiekWricataintAtnnugJeYtrgalse®ry5soe0ndRsb0ephaecsaerctlwlneaabedanu.mitirgeeanhJdngatatp-asmulnb’eotlpdsshirdseceoc,sepaFslusotgtgahllinnoeeoocb,nttoeosc.neofscantmeonadrApntyoefsaiorntunnnscelgyee:ert tMIri“ItengecaateswDrottmaoftastuiunlhsnraolegoalynndaetsssl.lisaloocieJpkfdaypa:tnoyrhadf”“eel,Aidotitrntoberluwdu,eeratagaiihssrlnsteeygithigstttiwa’hersmiiiedtdpadwlslhltehwtthgoiootavrtitteohndhrgJwreraonnJefvmoalaeiwemsme.tseefafwnsGwaoaoangyoidsd.odn ByhWoaAhuirDersyn:elbyfoY,odouayurncsdronovheoieadmrkeemidauntnitnodeeoyeirolnnsut.ereOarrtsnohthohhimeismssratboteloera’mensokyeyrotoousuojwpmiultmawhhypio“alnmteloyhhoieydmos”utwmeriupflssldailosycuhtltaiontgohdhetbpl,urpyyowocgiuertroehcdbceoortoonikecr,see,nantundrnedadrtyrihoeoiusnm.sr tarThfehfeseiiplroinapptsrehiedybsslsiwecifcitoaohrnn.fhSiesrJUeaaBnrcWcteiAedoYnt,sFh.o”eganlnedhaisswteinloyarleeonndngeoedtr TstHhhuerbeomwpuaaogrslhiilcnaaees2ats0ruseieptsieste.ni”lcliensbeauacrVkcierhtgi.inngifaorKJFaCm,ewsoFrokgilneg. unconsciouswithapre-preparedchloroform-soakedrag. with the appearanceofeighthumansized WeldtiyiiegesHhsthtriYiiagmnchgttIuiTsopi’nnuSisctnhwhBshetAaiesfDlaued:tauyardoneSeud.tsuskYudtosuiulede’aysarm,epslb.ehbuseotsPtwtupaetotsrtwhtieaountrfdgffytuthyploeoaaulruinrtesenesarettoorhofoecptmdoiyimucomla-udstlruecicroghthomotaoeismsnilamgneacechthpaaeennwasdiplylbe.lFaerSdddeoetnfaoyicnnohpdiurtwuiomivsbnaeelelye.ysmwtrsraeonwdntiugtcethero SSInuUbaBmnWaerAmiYont®eioj“insgEaga-llnAed-i,wnTsitpecFerhl-vleRii-sneEgw-:Swd-iaHtn”hc.iAnBgC’stoPritmhee wJM“twaahoaSrtemnUemcaydshBn"eiW,lnaAvgasewYrssteho®hco“eiFaofpAtdeuriiBsreeoiCtnvoo”,ifuossJaupaisermlcgeiymradaeo”nlld.u.doipsOaTtnthdsee4eehl2vaayo“nkltFgeberrsrndiyeeontnynodaoasfmutttenhheodgeerf Time,JaredFogletoldtheworldhissideof diet, told reporters that she “never really BAD: Writeallofyournotesusingafeltpenonyourgirlfriend’sass. Wheneveryoufeel thestory. Herevealedthatitisindeedhis likedthosetastelessSUBWAY®sandwiches, likeyouneedtobrushup,youcancallherover,takeherpantsoff,spinheraroundand identicaltwinbrotherJamesinthose“before” anyway” while chewing on a half-bloody askhertostandstill,orbetteryetdosomethingusefullikehangpicturesonyourwall pictures in the advertisements. Jared first steak. whileyoumemorizeformulasoffherbuttocks,killingtwobirdswithonestone. gottheideawhenoneofJames’highschool WHYIT’SBAD: Notallassesarecreatedequal. Apetitebumismoresuitedfora fJraimeensd.sAmliwsatyosokreahdiymtofomrakaemaucquhictkhibnucnke,r “mFeomebseorfsJaarcerdo”ssistchuerwroernltdl.ylFooorkminogrefordeatcatiilvse, Ryersonstudentwhodoesn'thavemuchtostudyinthefirstplace,whileanyUofTstudent Jared carefullyfabricated the “SUBWAY® visitwww.wehatejared.com. whoisseriousaboutsuccesswouldrequireawritingsurfaceofsuchproportionsthat diet”aswellasbuyinghumongousjeansfor ywoouurldgiarllfmroisentd’cserrteaairnwlyoumlbdhoaffv,eatnodbemaRyitabeMchNaeridl-toesrqeuade,todebpeeonfdianngyuosne.heArnsdkianfcelotlopuern. tpuwbilniscihtayvesholtisv.edBiencaduifsfeertehnet Toreallymakethiswork,you’dhavetoputacoatofwhitehousepaintonfirst,andthat’s cities almost all their lives, justdisgusting. Plusit’llchipwhenshegoestoeatabigdinner,orbendsover,orsitson hisplanwasnearlyflawless. sandpaper. After getting the TV ad contracts from SUBWAY®, BAD: Inastudy-carolonthe13thfloorofRobartslibrarywearingatophat,anecklace Jared realized he would madeofteeth,andnopants.Asyoulistentojunglesoundsfromyourportablestereo,lit get more attention than he cigarettesareinsertedintobothyourearstoallowoneofyourhandstoholdontoyour expected. In order to keep bookwhiletheother,coveredinVaseline,vigorouslyrubsandcaressesyourlowerbody. theworld from knowingthe Asstudentsorlibrarypatronspassby,youmakegruntinganimal-likenoisestosignify truth,JaredconvincedJames theirterritorialtrespass. into living with him on the condition that James could WHYIT’SBAD: Thecigarettesinyourearsposesafire-safetyconcernasyoumayn't eat whatever he wanted, beabletohearthefirealarmsshouldthelibraryhappentocatchonfire.Bettertosmoke wheneverhewanted. yourcigarettesintheconventionalfashionandforgetaboutholdingyourbook.You’rein alibraryanywayandtheexposuretosomanystacksofbooksisgoingtoincreaseyour When questioned about knowledgeonitsown.Or,ifyou’rereallykeenondoingsomereadingwithoutneedingto the Tuesday sighting, Jared freeupyourhands,trywalkingaroundthefloor,andpeeringovertheshouldersofother admitted that it was him studentsstudyingforthesamecourse. who drove James to the . TheToikeOike,VolXCVII-IssueII,2003-Page9 News Survivor Briefs Looking for Continuedfrompage3 LOCALMAN SUES BRITNEY Secondly, one cannot honestlyexpress the rnzeNs some ACTION SPEARS Jane and Finch atmosphere without the TORONTO-UofTlawstudentJamieVan pbreegsreanncteedoftennargcrotaimcss.ofEcaockehtShuartvtihveoyrmwialyl this DZuokmkbean Rheacsorfdisl,ed aandl-awsspueictifiacgaalilnystsJiinvgee/r epxercshoannagleufsoer.foCloedarolry,clSehaanwwnaat,ert,hoerskaleeespgfiorrl Thanksgiving? BritneySpears,claimingthatinthelyricsof from the Amazon series, needed nothing ‘Slave4U,’sheimpliesthatshewouldbehis morethanafatlinewhensheexperienced personalslave. SaidVanDukken,“Notonly herlittlebreakdownbeforethetribeswent hasshenotbeenmyslave,butnooneatthe co-ed. Sincesomedrugs areactuallystill label returnsmycalls. Theseentertainers illegal in Canada, the police will play an havetobeaccountablefortheirlyrics.” A influentialrolethisseason. However,should spokesmanforJive/ZombaRecordsinsisted aSurvivorbearrested,theywilllosetheir thatwhileSpearswouldnotberesponding, shotattheonemilliondollarprize. Wecan oneofthesong’stwelvecreditedwritersmay certainlyexpectelaboratechasescenesand be availableforlightchores. Van Dukken brutal,homicidalbeatings. previously drew attention by suing singer JannArdenforrefusingtodieforhim. TEEN EMBARRASSED BY FATHER WHO BELIEVESTHATNICKELBACK ‘ROCKS’ GEORGETOWN - 14-year-old Ben Hughes Join the Toike's annual isbecomingincreasinglyembarrassedathis Thanksgiving father,RichardHughes,42,whoistellinghis son’sfriendsthathethinksthatNickelback “rocks.” TheAlbertagroup,famousfortheir turkey hit‘HowYouRemindMe,’hasrecentlybeen blaringfromtheelderHughes’garage. “Ever stirnyciengmsyomhoarmdatnodtdraydagnodtdbievomrycebde,shte'fsribeenedn. Someunsuspectingdudeisabouttogethis rooftop chase! It’ssad”Thepreviousweek,Benclaimsthat asswhippedandeyelidsrippedout whenhisfatherpickedhimandhisfriendsup atthemall,hewasplaying“TooBad”loudly Finally,weanticipatethatnuditywillbea onthecarstereo,evensingingalongtothe prevalentthemethisyear. Sincetherearen’t line,“kickingyourasswouldbeapleasure.” exactlyfruittrees,nutsorberriestoprovide Benclaimsthattheuncomfortablelookshe nourishment, Survivorsmayhavetoresort Meet us on the UC receivedfromhisfriends havepushed the to exchange both their “goods” and their roof, 11:59 pm. problemtothe breaking point. The elder “services”forfood. Fortunately,thisshould Hughes replies thathe is simplytrying to not pose a problem as York University is gettoknowhisson’slikesanddislikes. He nearby. Whilemanyofushopethattwenty- Thanksgiving Day- adds,“Iwasaroundfortherockmusicofthe oneyearoldCanditheCalifornianlifeguard/ P% seventies and eighties, and these guys are virginbaresall,it’sunanimousthatseventy- sTRMqmT rightuptherewiththegreats!” threeyearoldJosephine,agrandmotherof twelvefromGeorgiastaysfullyclothedatall Shotgun, cranberry LIBERIAMIXUP times. Buthey,Yorkboyscan’tbechoosey. sauce and gravy provided. DougStiles Bring a bottle of cognac, In a recent interview, American President and some cigars George W. Bush accidentally referred to Liberians as “Librarians”. He was later Areyousickofyourmiserablegrades? stefftMiwe quoted saying, “Those bastards are still aftermeforthatbookIneverreturned.”The Doesyourprofessorstrikeyouasa overduebookwaslaterrevealedtobeSnow lecheroustype? WEAPONRY White. SaidBush,“Thatwasincollege,inmy experimentingdays. Ithoughtitwasabout Hashebluntlyproclaimedthathe snortingcocaine.” willgiveanAtowhoeverfellateshim? ACTOFGOD HELPS NEGLIGENT Doestheverymentionofyourprofessor's STUDENTPASS COURSE williemakeyouextrerqglynauseous? TORONTO-Afteralongnightoutonthe town, Gord Bradbury, stumbled into his room on the second floor ofSam Sorbara HallatSt.Michael’sCollege. Severelydrunk, hisMicrobiologyfinalexamwasapproaching onlyhoursaway. “IknewIwasgoingtofall asleepandifIdid,therewasnowayIwas gettingupforthattest,"Gordsaid. Hetooka coldshower,butitwasonlyamatteroftime before passing out. Finally, sittingon the toilet, hefell asleep. With five minutesto gobeforethetestbegan,Gordwasstartled awakebythethunderousdeclarationofhis “So hot, they just ownflatulence. “ItwaslikeanactofGod. wMaasn,haIngguiensgsobuetewriftahrttsherseealgliyrldsoalplanyigofhft.soI Ifyou answeredyestoat leasttwoofthesequestions, fell out of a truck Iwasholdingthemintherethewholetime. then dowe havea propositionforyou: (from Iraq).” I washurting,but itpaid off.” Thanksto Gord'spersonalalarmclock,hemadeitin foraverynominalcharge,oneofour tcoiumresfeodrehsipsiteexaanmasatnydhamnagnoavgere.dtopassthe qyuoaulrifpireodfeasnsdorvoernyysokuirllbeedhsatlaff.fTwihlelbbllooww- ChemiWcEal?GOT LARGEMAN’SVERTICALSUMMING jdpirosobcfwreieslesltorblesoccpahetoriiofcnoe.romfDeyedopuaetnodarinynyogurorenastohneably IT! 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