Together, Closer: The Art and Science of Intimacy in Friendship, Love, and Family

148 Pages·2017·1.22 MB·English

by  Giovanni Frazzetto

PENGUIN BOOKS
together, closer
G F was born and grew up in the southeast of Sicily. He studied
IOVANNI RAZZETTO
science at University College London and received a PhD from the European
Molecular Biology Laboratory in Heidelberg, Germany. The author of Joy,
Guilt, Anger, Love, Frazzetto lives in Ireland.
ALSO BY GIOVANNI FRAZZETTO
Joy, Guilt, Anger, Love

PENGUIN BOOKS
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Copyright © 2017 by Giovanni Frazzetto
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LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGING-IN-PUBLICATION DATA
Names: Frazzetto, Giovanni, author.
Title: Together, closer : the art and science of intimacy in friendship, love, and family / Giovanni Frazzetto.
Description: New York : Penguin Books, [2017] | Includes bibliographical references and index.
Identifiers: LCCN 2017003383 (print) | LCCN 2017019494 (ebook) | ISBN 9781101992227 (ebook) |
ISBN 9780143109440 (paperback)
Subjects: LCSH: Intimacy (Psychology) | Interpersonal relations.
Classification: LCC BF575.I5 (ebook) | LCC BF575.I5 F73 2017 (print) | DDC 158.2—dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2017003383
Some figures in this book are composites drawn from several individuals. All names and identifying
characteristics have been changed to protect the privacy of the individuals involved.
While the author has made every effort to provide accurate telephone numbers, Internet addresses, and
other contact information at the time of publication, neither the publisher nor the author assumes any
responsibility for errors or for changes that occur after publication. Further, the publisher does not have any
control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party Web sites or their content.
Cover design: Olga Grlic
Version_1
For my nieces, Alice and Eva
CONTENTS
About the Author
Also by Giovanni Frazetto
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
Prologue
Shidduch
The Leap
Transit of Venus
Split or Steal
A Winter Garden
A Wizard’s Farewell
Equal
Yes
Acknowledgments
Notes and References
Index
Prologue
T
his book is about intimacy and why we need it. Mixing narration and
science, it tells stories about relationships.
As human beings, we have a penchant to connect. Like waves cling to the
shore, so we are inclined to attach. There may be seasons of low tide, an
occasional desire to drift solo, or storms that strand us, but eventually we will
seek or return to a harbor. Loneliness can kill, whereas togetherness revives.
We live in a world where it is much easier to find isolation than
companionship. Yet meaningful relationships are the most nurturing ingredient
for our happiness.
Intimacy eludes singular definitions. From casual sex to lifelong bonds,
from marriage to betrayal, from friendships to unconditional love, when we
witness birth or death, intimacy reclothes itself constantly.
Much as we crave intimacy, we may also be in awe of it. It is an unmasking
form of mutual knowledge and belonging, which many of us may go to great
lengths to shun.
If refracted through the prism of science, the experience of intimacy
emerges in the most mundane fragments of our daily lives. It is about how we
perceive with all our senses; how we steer our minds and carry our bodies in
relationship to others; how we seek and offer rewards; how we predict risks
and make decisions; how we fear or encourage; how we create memories; how
we trust and make ourselves vulnerable; how we learn. While intimacy is a
plausible object of scientific inquiry, it is also an important thread of lived
experience.
In this book we will encounter characters whose fears and desires will
usher them in, through, and out of intimacy. A single woman in her forties at
odds with the uncertainty of finding a partner. A husband who looks back in
time to the beginning of his marriage. A man and a woman entangled in a
secret love affair. Incompatible partners caught in a chase of union and
separation. City daters striving to unite love and sex. A father and a daughter
whose relationship shines as his death nears. Two men who figure out what
they can teach each other. Inseparable friends who together sketch the path of
their future intimate lives. Where possible, their thoughts, feelings, and actions
are explained through notions and experiments in biology, psychology, and
neuroscience. Life wisdom is mixed with knowledge of the body and the mind.
Through these stories, we are invited to reflect on our own experience of
intimacy. How we reach it and lose it. How we see it disappear or grow as we
also transform, and renovate the way we love. How we get close, and closer.
Shidduch
S
now muffled the start of a new day. The river was frozen, and the view
from Anita’s window was reliably gray.
When her eyes opened, she found herself snug like a baby, as if tightly
curled around the spool of some dream she could neither remember nor let go,
her head buried in her breast, her arms around her knees. She took two or three
deep breaths to broaden herself and was grateful she had not woken up
coughing during the night—the new herbs from Inge, whom she called her
infallible witch, were doing their job.
Slowly she unwound and stared at the ceiling. She wondered if she had
closed the bath tap completely before going to bed, and reached her hand to the
floor to check for any flooding. Reassured, she gently yawned, sat up, and
shook her head.
She closed her eyes again.
“Many sweet returns, Anita, and happy fucking Valentine’s Day,” she said,
acknowledging the cruel game of fate that, ever since she was an adolescent,
had made her wish her birthday could be forever scraped off the calendar.
Then she grinned at her fat, sleepy, ginger cat.
“Where’s my breakfast in bed, Joshua?”
Joshua wasn’t the cat. The cat was called Whiskey. Joshua was a fantasy
boyfriend she had created.
“Tell me. Is he German?” had been Ruth’s first question.
“No, Mother. He’s American.”
“And is he one of us?”
“Yes, Mother.”
“Oh, motek, excellent! Is this a serious thing? When are we meeting him?
What’s his name? And please don’t tell me he’s also an artist!”
Anita was a photographer. She took pictures of abandoned spaces. Born
and raised in Brooklyn, she moved, after art school in the Midwest, to