Table Of Content

Sex work requires a P D in emotional intelligence, but h doesn’t come with a beginner’s manual. Sex work is “easy money?” Hardly. The adult industry is riddled with pitfalls and dangers. Erotic labor is often emotionally demanding, draining, and complex. It can be hard to know who to turn to for advice on keeping yourself safe and sane. Lola Davina, former stripper, dominatrix, porn actress and escort, provides the life skills you need to prosper: Shattering myths, such as thinking you need the “perfect” body Creating financial freedom so you only work when you want to Avoiding bad behavior, bad decisions, and burnout Cultivating boundaries in an often insane industry Learning to love your work! Thriving in sex work means having a healthy body, mind, heart, and bank account. No matter your job title or gender, whether you’re independent or work for someone else, if you want to succeed in sex work, this book is for you. “I LOVE THIS BOOK SO MUCH! Lola Davina brings the insight, advice and compassion that only a centered, wise, experienced sex work veteran can cultivate and gather: her insider knowledge makes this book a powerful ally to any sex worker who wants a better life. Fierce, smart, pragmatic and loving — I can’t recommend it highly enough.” —Carol Queen, PhD Author, founding director of the Center for Sex & Culture, and 99% retired sex worker THRIVING IN SEX WORK Heartfelt Advice for Staying Sane in the Sex Industry Lola Davina The Erotic as Power Press Oakland, California Copyright © 2017 by Lola Davina All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means without the prior written permission of the author. Published by: The Erotic as Power Press LLC 248 3rd St. #646 Oakland, CA 94607 Cover design by Albert Ochosa | Sun Rising Media Book design and layout by Rob Siders | 52 Novels Copyedit by Felicia Gotthelf Back cover author photo by Lisa Keating Photography Note on front cover: Images are stock photos posed by models, for illustrative purpose only. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Davina, Lola, 1968– Thriving in sex work / by Lola Davina p. cm. Includes bibliographical references and index. ISBN 978-0-9988920-3-0 1. Sex work 2. Self-care I dedicate this book to every sex worker I’ve ever known, the ones I haven’t met yet, and those lost along the way. The principal horror of any system which defines the good in terms of profit rather than in terms of human need … is that it robs our work of its erotic value … Such a system reduces work to a travesty of necessities, a duty by which we earn bread or oblivion for ourselves and those we love. But this is tantamount to blinding a painter and then telling her to improve her work, and to enjoy the act of painting. It is not only next to impossible, it is also profoundly cruel … The erotic is the nurturer or nursemaid of all our deepest knowledge. —Audre Lorde from Uses of the Erotic: The Erotic as Power The sexual drive, essential for our species’ continuation, has been subverted into an agent of destruction by our own supposedly elevated moral principles. What should give the greatest pleasure has been turned into the source of the greatest pain. —Jonathan Khuner When I was growing up in Detroit, my mother told me lots of things that later turned out not to be true. She told me only tramps get their ears pierced. That those men in Washington knew what they were doing or else they wouldn’t be there. That what makes you happy makes me happy. That enough was enough. —Lily Tomlin CONTENTS Preface: My First Time Introduction Part One: Demons Fear: An Introduction Making Friends With Our Fears Practical Advice: Managing Acute Anxiety Practical Advice: Physical Safety Practical Advice: Learn Self-Defense (No Excuses!) Heartfelt Advice: Surviving the Bad Call Practical Advice: The Law and Legal Trouble Practical Advice: Safer Sex Shame: An Introduction Shame, Low Self-Esteem, and Stigma Exercise: Spending Time with Shame An Open Letter to My Fellow Sex Workers: Shame, Fear, and the Erotics of Discretion Coming Out and Being Outed Heartfelt Advice: How to Come Out Heartfelt Advice: If You’ve Been Outed Practical Advice: What to Do If You’ve Been Outed An Open Letter to My Fellow Sex Workers: Respect the Work Low Self-Esteem: An Introduction Feeling Ugly and Unworthy Aging Plastic Surgery Anger: An Introduction Anger Empathy Exercise Forgiveness Exercise Envy: An Introduction Envy Heartfelt Advice: Navigating Insecurity, Resentment, and Envy From Coworkers Heartfelt Advice: Navigating Insecurity, Resentment, and Envy From Clients Part Two: Tools of the Trade The Biz: An Introduction Building the Business You Want Marketing Motivation Keeping Up with New Technology (Or Not …) Clients: An Introduction What Do Clients Want? Exercise: Your Ideal Client Practical Advice: Cultivating the Clients You Want Intimidation and Coercion Review Sites Heartfelt Advice: When a Client Makes You Feel Like Crap Money: An Introduction Money Exercises Practical Advice: Money Challenges Voluntary Simplicity Part Three: Sex Work and Self-Care Sex Work and Self-Care: An Introduction You Need a Buddy—Better Yet, a Bunch Get Yourself a Good Therapist—No Excuses! Have a Hero/ine Trigger States Sadness, Depression, and Suicidal Thoughts Practical Advice: Winter Dissociation Pleasure Part Four: Sex Work and Relationships Sex Work and Relationships: An Introduction Sex Work and Relationships Heartfelt Advice: How to Work with a Broken Heart Part Five: Life After The Life Life After The Life: An Introduction Heartfelt Advice: What to Expect Getting Out Don’t Fear the Future When Falling in Love Means Getting Out of The Biz: Marriage and Retirement Heartfelt Advice: Work After Sex Work Practical Advice: Work After Sex Work Conclusion Back to the Future Appendix Special Thanks & Acknowledgements About Me Definitions Winter and Depression Survival Checklist Bibliography Resources Referred to in Text Additional Resources Preface