The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man’s World

248 Pages·2012·1.28 MB·English

by  Alan Downs

Table of Contents

What readers are saying about The Velvet Rage
ALSO BY ALAN DOWNS
Title Page
Dedication
Preface
Introduction

THE ROOTS OF RAGE

Chapter 1 - THE LITTLE BOY WITH THE BIG SECRET

THE FIRST MAN IN YOUR LIFE

Chapter 2 - UGLY TRUTHS & HIGH-FASHION DREAMS
Chapter 3 - OUT & RAGING

INHIBITED RAGE AND SHAME

STAGE 1 : - OVERWHELMED BY SHAME

Chapter 4 - DROWNING

DENIAL OF SEXUALITY

Chapter 5 - BEWITCHED, BETRAYED
Chapter 6 - THE REAL ME: A CRISIS OF IDENTITY

HOMOPHOBIC STRAIGHT MEN

STAGE 2: - COMPENSATING FOR SHAME

Chapter 7 - PAYING THE PIPER
Chapter 8 - STUCK IN I SHAME: THE VICIOUS CYCLE
Chapter 9 - IN I THE MOOD FOR A MAN

ETERNALLY SEXY

Chapter 10 - WHAT’S IT ALL ABOUT? A CRISIS OF MEANING

STAGE 3: - CULTIVATING AUTHENTICITY

Chapter 11 - MIGHTY REAL

DECONSTRUCTING FABULOUS

Chapter 12 - HEALING RELATIONSHIP TRAUMA

WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A MAN
MARRYING OUR FATHERS
INNOCENCE LOST
WHAT IS TRAUMA?

Chapter 13 - THE ROAD TO CONTENTMENT

PASSION
LOVE
INTEGRITY

Chapter 14 - SKILLS FOR LIVING AN AUTHENTIC LIFE

LIFE CHOICES
INCREASING POSITIVE EMOTIONS
RELATIONSHIPS
CHARTING YOUR PRACTICE

Epilogue
Notes
Acknowledgments
Index
Copyright Page

What readers are saying about The Velvet Rage

“What a great book! I felt as if a window had been opened to
the hearts of so many people I have known and loved in my
life.”—Joey

“As I read [The Velvet Rage], I kept bumping into myself and,
hopefully, my former self. . . . I felt that [this book was] talking
specifically to me and I’m sure all gay readers will have the
same reaction.”—Thomas

“Alan Downs has opened the door to the heart of every gay
friend I have ever known. As a 76-year-old straight woman, for
the first time I feel I have a better understanding of the gay
life. Anyone who has ever dealt with or is dealing with shame
will benefit from this book.”—Katherine

“This isn’t just a social commentary or self-help book aimed at
a minority population. Every reader will learn from a journey
through cultural values about human flaws and perfection to
arrive at a place where real and authentic human hope may be
found.”—Karen

“My partner and I have read [The Velvet Rage] twice, and I
really think it has changed our lives. Sometimes, we’ll read a
page or two to each other out loud just to remind us of what
we’ve learned.”—John

“The Velvet Rage is a book that will help so many people, those
who are gay and those who are not. I admire [the author’s]
ability to write in a casual style that reads with depth, warmth,
and humanity.”—Jeff

“This book should be a ‘must read’ for any gay man who is

committed to becoming his absolute best self in an increasingly
crazy world.”—Steven

“[Dr.
Downs]
hasn’t
pathologized
homosexuality.
He’s

described, with eloquence and intelligence, the natural
consequences of what amounts to soul murder.”—Barbara

“This book offers a human perspective on how American
culture affects gay men in the twenty-first century. As a clinical
social worker, I was moved by the vulnerability Downs allows
himself by sharing some of his own life story, ideas, and
experiences.”—Beth

ALSO BY ALAN DOWNS

Corporate Executions

Beyond the Looking Glass

Seven Miracles of Management

The Fearless Executive

Why Does This Keep Happening to Me?

Secrets of an Executive Coach

The Half-Empty Heart

Dedicated to

Blake Hunter and Bob Ward

May I grow as young in spirit, as wise in life,

and as steadfast in love as you.

Preface to the 2012 Edition

It’s now late August and another summer is quickly slipping
away. I’m sitting on the patio in front of the weather-worn,
shingle-clad cottage that my good friend, Randy, has rented for
the summer in Provincetown, Massachusetts, where every
summer
evening
he
gives
an
entertainingly
realistic

performance as Cher to eager sun-drenched and alcohol-
infused crowds. As the noon sun is peaking just overhead now,
my heart is full of gratitude, for I’ve been so lucky in life. Good
friends, work that I love and am passionate about, and—not the
least—I am alive. Next year I will cross the half-century mark,
and my mind wanders back through all those winding corridors
of years in San Francisco, New Orleans, Key West, and New
York. I remember all those beautiful masculine faces that grace
the walls of my memory. Some didn’t survive the AIDS crisis,
and countless others didn’t survive the angst of knowing they
wouldn’t die, that HIV was a chronic, manageable illness, and
so they dove deep into the darkness of crystal meth, alcohol,
and the like, dancing their way into the arms of death. Just last
night came word to Randy that yet another old friend had
drunk himself out of existence. I, like so many gay men, have
savored the highs and trudged through the lowest of lows in
life—and we are truly fortunate to have survived when so many
others did not. At moments like this, when I glance backward
and feel the tide of life and memory rushing forward, I am torn
between gratitude for what was given and longing for what was
lost.

Dancing through the night last night, my heart was full of joy.

Randy and I were joined by a delicious assortment of men of all
varieties. There was Paul, who as the minister of one of the
largest Unity Churches in America is fundamentally changing
the way that denomination—as well as many others—accept
and embrace gay men. At one point in the evening, we
encountered a handsome man who described himself to me as

a writer, and despite my misinterpretation of Randy’s raised
eyebrows, I sipped my drink and casually asked what he had
written, only to discover to my embarrassment that the man
who stood before me was one of my most revered writers. His
novel The Hours has never ceased to inspire me to dig deeper
as a writer, and maybe one day, I might write something so
truly touching, raw, and authentic. It was a night of bliss that
ended with all of us sitting on the curb, eating pizza and
basking in the warm ocean breeze that caresses the streets and
whisks away the cares of all those who travel those centuries-
old cobbled paths, which were initially tread by the Pilgrims on
their voyage to freedom and acceptance.

It is here, in this dialectical paradox, suspended between joy

and tragedy, freedom and shame-induced bondage, great talent
and squandered existence, that The Velvet Rage lives. As gay
men, we have been anything but ordinary and predictable.
Everywhere you turn, and no matter what age, station in life,
and economic status, the lives of gay men of all shapes and
sizes contain this polar mix of pain and ecstasy. Our problems
and successes in life are truly no different than any other
man’s, and yet we are uniquely identifiable in our ways—there
is no mistaking gay culture when you see it. We are in no way
more pathological or deviant than any other man who has
walked this planet, present or past. And yet, we are clearly
different. When you love a man, it fundamentally changes you—
and we have all been shaped by our love of men; the heavy
caress of his hand, the brush of the hair on his forearm, and the
powerful kiss that at once dominates and deconstructs our
defenses. These things enliven our days and fuel our dreams.

In the years since The Velvet Rage was originally published,

so many men have been generous with me and shared their
stories and struggle with shame. It is the concept of shame, in
fact, that has enlightened so many of their lives. Prior to
reading the book, they felt they had long ago been done with
the ravages of shame over their sexual orientation. Some
actually have no memory of feeling shame over being gay—they
marched out of the closet at a young age and never looked

back. It is here, at this point, that a truly life-changing insight
emerges. Most of us have not felt the emotion of shame for
many years—since we first came to terms with being gay. For
the majority of gay men who are out of the closet, shame is no
longer felt. What was once a feeling has become something
deeper and more sinister in our psyches—it is a deeply and
rigidly held belief in our own unworthiness for love. We were
taught by the experience of shame during those tender and
formative years of adolescence that there was something about
us that was flawed, in essence unlovable, and that we must go
about the business of making ourselves lovable if we are to
survive. We were hungry for love, and our very existence
depended upon it, as the British psychiatrist R. D. Laing noted:
“Whether life is worth living depends on whether there is love
in life.” The lesson of that early, crippling shame was imprinted
on our lives. If you are to be loved, you must hide the truth
about yourself and work at being lovable.

The days of feeling shame over being gay passed by us like

the last days of summer, slipping into our memory as we moved
on with life and went about the business of openly living as gay
men. Shame became embedded into the trunk of our ever-
expanding personalities, affecting everything about us, and yet
so minutely close to the core of our being that we are helpless
to see it as different than “me.” As the eye cannot see itself, we
cannot see or feel this embedded shame. But make no mistake,
the shame is there—and it is very real.

Of all the comments readers have shared with me over these

past six years, the one that comes up most often is: “I don’t feel
shame.” Very few of us feel the shame, but almost all of us
struggle with the private belief that “if you really knew the
whole, unvarnished truth about me, you would know that I am
unlovable.” It is this belief that pushes us, even dominates us
with its tyranny of existential angst. In our own way, young and
old alike, we set about the business of “earning” love, and
escaping the pain of believing we are unlovable. It is this
damned quest that pushes us to the highest of highs, and
simultaneously brings us to the brink. This is both the creator

of the fabulous gay man and his destroyer.

Shame is not the same thing as homophobia. Homophobia is

the fear of being gay, and shame is the fear of being unlovable.
You can relatively easily cure the homophobia, but the shame,
without vigilant care and attention, will last a lifetime. Gay
shame is not embarrassment over being gay; it is the belief that
being gay is a mere symptom of your own mortally flawed
psyche. You can treat the homophobic symptom, but the
underlying disease persists until acknowledged and treated.

From this perspective, I have come to understand why The

Velvet Rage continues to touch so many younger gay men,
many of whom never experienced the protracted coming-out
process that others of us lived through during a time when
there was far less social acceptance of being gay. Even though
they may not have experienced embarrassment over being gay,
they grew up with the knowledge that they were different from
their parents (who are typically straight) and much of the world
around them. Knowing they were different in such a significant
way led them to internalize the beliefs of shame. The statistics
continue to bear out that gay men in their early twenties are
increasingly likely to struggle with addiction, depression, and
even suicide—all symptoms of the man who bears the pain of
feeling unlovable.

Some have asked, if the world becomes more accepting of

being gay, won’t that lessen the relevance of shame in gay
men? Ideally, yes, it will. However, what is equally true is that
as homophobia diminishes in society, it is not a given that gay
men will no longer experience the isolation that comes from
feeling different than one’s peers and family. It is in this
experience of differentness, being the one who doesn’t fit in,
that shame takes root in our lives. So it follows that even as
homophobia begins to wane in our world, gay men will still
need to do the work of acknowledging all the ways in which we
have accepted our unlovableness and actively do the work
required to obliterate such heinous beliefs from our lives. In
the decade and a half since Ellen DeGeneres came out as a
lesbian on national television and the openly gay sitcom Will

and Grace first aired, much has changed throughout the world
regarding the acceptability of being gay. During this same
period of time, addiction and mental health issues among gay
men have continued at alarmingly high levels, and all
indications are that they continue to rise. While social
acceptance of gay men, gay rights, and gay marriage is
critically important to the well-being of gay men, these things
are not sufficient to inspire us to do the deeper work of healing
the tight grip of shame on our lives.

This revised edition of The Velvet Rage contains an expanded

final chapter with practical information on how to live an
authentic life as a gay man without the influence of shame. It is
a struggle to live authentically, without the need to compensate
for our inadequacies or to escape the pain of our emotions
through addictions. Much of what I write throughout the book
is influenced by my own training in Dialectical Behavior
Therapy (DBT), and I owe an enormous debt of gratitude to
psychologist, researcher, and Zen practitioner Marsha Linehan,
who created DBT. DBT was recently listed in a Time magazine
supplement on “100 New Scientific Discoveries.” For those
who might be interested in doing further psychotherapy on the
issues of shame and emotion regulation, I recommend that you
find a therapist who practices DBT. While not all DBT
therapists are familiar with the issues specific to gay men, I
find them to be generally well-trained and highly consistent
with the approach taken in The Velvet Rage.

As this summer fades into autumn, and I leave the windswept

dunes of Cape Cod and return to my practice in Los Angeles, I
reflect back on the thousands of letters and e-mails I’ve
received from readers of The Velvet Rage. Most gay men and
their families found the book to be helpful, and a few have been
enraged by it; but it is difficult, if not impossible, to be neutral
about the gay shame of which I write. The book has reached far
beyond what I ever dreamed possible, touching the lives of tens
of thousands of gay men around the world. It is my sincere
hope that this revised edition will continue that tradition and
breathe life into a message that I believe is desperately needed