The Unexpected When You're Expecting: Clear, Comprehensive, Month-by-Month Dread

224 Pages·2008·29.73 MB·English

by  Mary K. Moore

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a “Hilarious! e (a parody) t oio
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What To Expect When You’re Expectingacross the room (or at her husband). E r fld
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I love this book — it is exactly what a parody should be.” X a
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—Risa Green, author of Notes from the Underbelly P
When You’re
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So the pregnancy test is positive, and the only thing growing faster than C
your appetite for anything fried is your list of questions: How long until T
I have to pay through the nose for maternity wear? Is there anything I can do E
Expecting
to prevent the scrapbooking instinct from kicking in? Relax. The advice in
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this book will be as easily digested as the now-f orbidden caffeine you used to
chug by the vat. W
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Sure, having your kidneys double as someone’s couch sounds like kind of a
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downer, but that’s just all the more reason why every pregnant woman needs n CLEAR COMPREHENSIVE
this hysterical send-up. Mary K. Moore not only covers the 40 weeks of Y MONTH-BY-MONTH DREAD
p regnancy but also tackles the stupor that is baby’s first six months, including:
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naming baby: u T
he laugh-out-loud answer to the
fruit or action verb? ’
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pregnancy guide that has terrified
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birth plans:
millions. Including a bonus section of
your dreams, a doctor’s comic relief E
x unhelpful but hilarious thoughts
the politics of choosing diapers:
landfill landmines or inconvenient napkins? p on your baby’s first six months.
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Spotlighting the absurdity of pregnancy and shaking the sugar-coating off t
symptoms—get ready for the breasts of a stripper and the bladder of a i
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Shriner—The Unexpected When You’re Expecting is a must-have for anyone
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with a uterus.
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Parenting/Pregnancy $10.95 U.S. r
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$11.99 CAN d
ISBN-13: 978-1-4022-1308-3 £5.99 UK y
ISBN-10: 1-4022-1308-5 )
MOORE
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WWW.SOURCEBOOKS.COM EA .
MARY K MOORE
Unexpected When You are Expecting:Layout 1 7/14/08 11:21 AM Page i
II
Unexpected When You are Expecting:Layout 1 7/14/08 11:21 AM Page ii
Unexpected When You are Expecting:Layout 1 7/14/08 11:21 AM Page iii
UnTheexpected
When You’re
Expecting
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Unexpected When You are Expecting:Layout 1 7/14/08 11:21 AM Page v
a parody
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UnTheexpected
When You’re
Expecting
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CLEAR COMPREHENSIVE
- -
MONTH BY MONTH DREAD
.
MARY K MOORE
Unexpected When You are Expecting:Layout 1 7/14/08 11:21 AM Page vi
Copyright © 2008 by Mary K. Moore
Cover and internal design © 2008 by Sourcebooks, Inc.
Cover and internal illustrations by A.J. Garces
Sourcebooks and the colophon are registered trademarks of Sourcebooks, Inc.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any
electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval
systems—except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or
reviews—without permission in writing from its publisher, Sourcebooks, Inc.
All brand names and product names used in this book are trademarks, registered
trademarks, or trade names of their respective holders. Sourcebooks, Inc. is not
associated with any product or vendor in this book.
This book is a parody and has not been prepared, endorsed, approved, authorized,
or licensed by any entity that created, published, or produced What to Expect When
You’re Expectingor What to Expect the First Year.
Published by Sourcebooks, Inc.
P.O. Box 4410, Naperville, Illinois 60567–4410
(630) 961–3900
Fax: [phone]
www.sourcebooks.com
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Moore, Mary K.
The unexpected when you’re expecting : the pregnancy guide that will make you
rue the night of conception / Mary K. Moore.
p. cm. ISBN-13: 978-1-4022-2221-4
1. Pregnancy—Humor. I. Title.
PN6231.P68M66 2008
818'.602—dc22
2008015870
Printed and bound in the United States of America.
BG 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
Unexpected When You are Expecting:Layout 1 7/14/08 11:21 AM Page vii
For T.J. and Scarlett, who are in on the joke.
Unexpected When You are Expecting:Layout 1 7/14/08 11:21 AM Page viii
Unexpected When You are Expecting:Layout 1 7/14/08 11:21 AM Page ix
Contents
Chapter 1: Preggers: Yes or No? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .1
Chapter 2: It’s Official: Your Belly’s in Charge . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .5
Chapter 3: The First Trimester: The Long Road to a One-Piece . . . . .21
Chapter 4: The Second Trimester: No One Is Going to Buy
You a Drink Now . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .33
Chapter 5: The Third Trimester: “Wow. You’re, Like, Huge.” . . . . . .45
Chapter 6: The Baby Shower: “It’s Adorable…Do You Still
Have the Receipt?” . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .55
Chapter 7: Preparing for the Home Invasion:
You’re So Not Ready . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .67
Chapter 8: Labor and Delivery: Rip Torn—Not Just an Actor . . . . .85
Chapter 9: Baby Care Basics: Avoiding an Unfit
Mother Designation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .93
Chapter 10: AfterBirth: “I Can’t Believe You Came out of There.” . .103
Chapter 11: Beyond the First Six Weeks of Hell . . . . . . . . . . . . . .113
Chapter 12: Month One: “No, I’m Not Pregnant
Anymore—Really.” . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .129
Chapter 13: Month Two: Hygiene, Interrupted . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .137
Chapter 14: Month Three: A Little Duct Tape and Crisco, and
You’re Back in Your Jeans! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .149