The Times Magazine - 25 June 2022

78 Pages·2022·27 MB·English

MAGAZINE OF THE YEAR
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THE
FORGOTTEN
HOSTAGE
WHAT HAPPENED TO JOHN CANTLIE?
By ANTHONY LOYD

25.06.22
WHO ARE YOU CALLING
MIDDLE-AGED?
32 10
5 Ben Machell An audit of my body makes scary reading. 7 Spinal column: Melanie Reid I’ve become what I despise: a fusspot.
8 What I’ve learnt Andy Murray on sexism in sport. 10 James May The Grand Tour presenter on Clarkson, Hammond and woke
culture. 16 Cover story My search for John Cantlie Anthony Loyd on the hunt for the British journalist kidnapped in Syria. 32 Are you
midlife or middle-aged? Take the test, by Shane Watson. Plus Caitlin Moran and David Aaronovitch on ageing. 35 Eat! The only rice
recipes you’ll ever need. 52 Could an extreme diet cure my long Covid? John Simpson goes to a fasting retreat in Italy. 58 Film school
Inside the state sixth form with lessons from A-list movie insiders. 64 Shop! The high-street label the celebs love. 66 Pout! Nadine
Baggott’s 20 summer beauty essentials. 68 Giles Coren reviews Plaza Khao Gaeng/Arcade Food Hall, London. 74 Beta male: Robert
Crampton I really should go swimming more often.
FAB FIVE: GARDEN GAMES
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The Times Magazine 3

BACK, BELLY, TEETH AND TESTES:
MY BODY NEEDS A MAKEOVER
Ben Machell carries out a ruthless head-to-toe audit
N
ow that I’ve hit my next two decades – and is now turning black.
middle years, it seems a The rest are stained a rich, Nescafé brown.
sensible moment to take I suppose I could have them whitened or
a long, hard look at how simply try to avoid smiling, which is cheaper
I’m holding up physically. and, as I get older, less and less of a challenge.
I spend a lot of time Skin. Actually, no complaints here. Hannibal
reassuring myself that for Lecter could kill me, eat me, wear my face as
a man who has recently a mask and pass as a 40-year-old man, maybe
entered his forties, I’m in even 38. Obviously I hope it doesn’t come to
decent shape. Deep down, though, I know I’m that. In any case, I try to drink plenty of water.
on the turn, like milk left on the doorstep in Belly. I’ve never had a six-pack and I’m
June. Increasingly cheesy. Increasingly sour. unsettled by fortysomething blokes who strive
Does this bother me? Perhaps a bit, yeah. to attain them. I get targeted Instagram videos
Do I like the fact my joints now snap, crackle featuring buff, grey-haired men loudly urging
and pop like a bowl of breakfast cereal? No, me to lose my “dad bod” by following their
not really. Do I resent the fact that my Turkish workout regimes. There’s something about their
barber doesn’t even bother to ask whether I eyes – manic and fearful – that worries me.
want my ear hair singed any more and instead I want to message them and encourage them to
just attacks it with fire, like Ripley going after slow down, to remind them that Death comes
the eggs in Aliens? Yes, I do. Do my testes for us all in time and that he cannot simply
really need to be any closer to the ground than be crunched away. It’s also fair to acknowledge
they already are? Absolutely not. But gravity that I love drinking lager and eating carbs, so
and time conspire to coax them down anyway. am at peace with the fact my torso looks like
Rather than moping, I’m going to face up a pale pink punch bag stuffed with children’s
to this deterioration. I’m going to conduct a uneaten pizza crusts and Grolsch.
ruthless audit of my body from head to toe. Back. Put it this way: you could surgically
Maybe things aren’t as bad as I thought. Maybe replace my entire spine with a broom handle
they’re worse. There’s only one way to find out. and immediately I’d feel a trillion per cent
more flexible.
Hair. I’m not going bald yet, though in some Reproductive organs. Functionally I’m still
ways it would make my life a lot easier if I ticking along, but I’m also humble enough not
were. I have two children at primary school, to take this for granted. I feel like a teenage
which means that for the past few years I’ve schoolboy in 1916, happy and carefree up to a
had nits more or less constantly. I itch and point, but also aware that things could well get
scratch feverishly, like someone coming off nasty in the not too distant future. On the plus
heroin but only above the neck. It’s hard to side, I only need glance at my spam folder to
stress about my increasing number of grey know that a dizzying range of non-prescription
hairs when there are actual… creatures living solutions is available as and when required.
on them. Perhaps, in time, I will become a Legs. Before playing football I will now put
silver fox. For now, I’m more of a black and on two neoprene compressive thigh supports,
white, lice-infested mammal. A badger. three pairs of cycling shorts, an ankle brace
I have never had a
Hearing. Much like my eyesight, my ability to as well as applying half a tube of Deep Heat,
hear is rapidly deteriorating. Soon I’ll be left all in a bid to keep the lower half of my body
six-pack. I love eating
with neither, like some lanky, grumpy and vaguely functional over the course of a match.
altogether less inspiring Helen Keller. I like to In my mind I am King Théoden in The Two
carbs and drinking
imply that my hearing loss is down to a wild, Towers, having his armour placed on him
misspent youth of raves and rock concerts. while looking into the middle distance and
lager – and I’m at
The reality is that the damage was done by ruminating on mortality. In reality, my five-
cranking up the volume to 11 on a packed year-old daughter is watching me, grinning.
peace with my torso
Northern Line Tube carriage when trying to “Why are you wearing so many pants?”
listen to Melvyn Bragg present In Our Time. she wants to know. So I tell her the truth.
Teeth. Not good. One of my top incisors “Because I’m getting old.” And then she
N
SO is dead – it was knocked out when I was a skips off laughing. Which is fair enough. n
WIL teenager, then wedged back in by the dentist
ATIE only to pass slowly from this world over the Read Caitlin Moran on page 32
K
The Times Magazine 5

SPINAL COLUMN
MELANIE REID
Something awful
has happened
– I’ve become
a control freak,
arsey about how
to fold towels
I
caught myself being obsessive this the easy-to-use, sharp secateurs. Because if he When I – ah, the famous “When I…”
morning. Furtively, I was refolding takes them I’ll never see them again. club – was free and able and my world was
a towel that my carer had already Actually I’d quite like to electrify my white world-sized, I got a lot done and I was fast,
folded. It wasn’t that the towel lacked shelf, so anyone touching it would never do messy but effective. Broad brush strokes.
neatness. It was because she’d folded so again. Achieve big stuff; address the details later. As
it the wrong way, across the middle. I I’d do the same to my bathroom which, life has shrunk, though, I resemble someone
like it folded longways. Partly because deep down, I begrudge other people using. If quite different: watchful and fussy, clinically
it’s easier to get off the rail but mainly anyone moves anything of mine, like the little tidy in small areas, sweating the small stuff.
– I can’t believe I’m writing this – yellow board in the living room I use for Details matter most, now.
because longways is The Right Way. wheelchair to wheelchair transfers, or switches Much of the control-freakery comes from
Janice – a woman who prides herself on a the various pillows I sleep with, my inner lack of ability, insecurity, the fact I have so
job done just so – chanced to come back into growling starts. If Dave or Doug eat my cheese little agency. When you have lost power over
the bathroom while I was doing it. It was like from my shelf in the fridge door – and I know most of your life and your body, and chaos
being caught stealing a baby. I squirmed, immediately: Dave stains it red with beetroot, constantly threatens, the small things matter
blushed, pretended I’d been drying my hands. like evidence of murder; Doug cuts it funny – enormously. Keys and essential devices, the
Something awful has happened to me. I feel cross, plaintive and petty all at the same tools to fragile independence, assume giant
From being the most laid-back, easygoing time. It’s on my accessible shelf. Leave it alone. importance. If I’m not in control, I put my
person – a woman who rarely folded a towel, If my cleaner rearranges the fridge, or life at risk.
let alone got arsey about which way to fold it, anyone but me empties the dishwasher, they On the other hand, fusspottery goes with
in fact used to despise anyone who did – I’ve put things in the “wrong” place, teaspoons the age. I’ve started to remind myself of my father,
turned into a control freak. “wrong” way round, pan lids tilted away. Out who even when I was in my forties used to yell
Little by little, certain sites around the of reach. Hard to grasp. at me if he thought I’d misplaced his things.
house – my sacred spaces – have become Domestically, I live in terror that I’m When I was growing up, his possessions – such
totemic. This is where my key possessions sit. becoming what I always hated in others: as a pair of fabulously sharp scissors – were
Take the white shelf, my white shelf – Dave’s bossy and organising. laden with ominous significance. Borrow them
got the two shelves above it – where I rely on I try to temper it, reasserting order in my and forget to put them back, and it was
essential things being in a familiar place. territory discreetly. (Except the secateurs; that seriously bad juju.
There are pens, a disposable scalpel for makes me mad. “Use your own tools! You’ve Come to think of it, my sharp scissors
opening parcels, pills, a bulldog clip I use to got a shedful!”) Thankfully I’m still self-aware have walked. I saw them today peeking,
stop my catheter slipping when I stand, spare enough to check myself. Alarming as my unreachable, from Dave’s bathroom. n
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O that I like to keep visible, so my peripheral carcass like a high-dependency nurse, alert to Melanie Reid is tetraplegic after breaking her
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UR eye can check. There too, hidden from Dave, changes, trying to do my best for it. neck and back in a riding accident in April 2010
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The Times Magazine 7
What I’ve learnt
Andy Murray
Tennis player Sir Andy Murray, 35, grew up in Dunblane. He and his When I was in a pretty bad place, I wouldn’t have been that pleasant
brother, Jamie, who is a successful doubles player, were coached by to be around. At the time, I probably didn’t realise how low I
their mother, Judy. He has won the men’s singles at Wimbledon twice, was. But the pain in my hip was consuming all my thoughts.
in 2013 and 2016, when he was ranked world No 1. After a hip It was painful when I would try to play with the kids or walk
operation, he retired from professional tennis in 2019, but has since the dogs. It was painful lying in bed at night. It was always
returned and will be competing at Wimbledon next week. He lives there and that started to really wear on me. I was doing
in Surrey with his wife, Kim Sears, and their four children. everything I could to make it better and it wasn’t improving.
Kim has been a huge support for me in my difficult moments.
I didn’t want to retire, but I didn’t know if I would be able to I felt very uncomfortable in front of the media, because I didn’t
compete again. I was having a big operation – having a metal trust them to report what I was saying. When I first came on
hip put in. I had spent 18 months in a lot of pain, but also the tennis tour when I was 18 or 19, I was shooting from the
not wanting to tell anyone outside my nearest team how hip, saying whatever came to my mind. The media were like,
much I was struggling. I didn’t want my opponents to know “He’s a breath of fresh air.” But then I said a few things that
how I was feeling. So I was bottling all that up. were controversial or I shouldn’t have said and all of a sudden
The sexism in sport became so obvious to me. I was asked in I was getting ripped. And then, I agree, I came across as
a press conference, “Would you consider working with a moody, uninterested, boring.
woman?” I said, “Absolutely. Of course I would.” The following Psychologists were forced on me at the beginning of my career.
day I got a message from a high-profile coach of a top player I didn’t find it helpful. But when it was something that I wanted
saying, “I love all these games that you’re playing with the to do and I was struggling with something, then I found it
press just now. Maybe you should tell them tomorrow that much easier to open up. I have used different psychologists
you’re considering hiring a dog.” When I was getting coached over the years.
by a woman and I started losing, I would get asked, “Is she the Showing too much emotion on the tennis court is seen as a
right person for you? Do you need to reconsider?” I wanted to weakness. I’ve always been criticised for that. I’ve broken a few
defend her and, off the back of that, defend female athletes. rackets in my career, but I’m more of a shouter. On the court is
I can’t play tennis with my wedding ring on my finger, so I always tie where that side of me comes out. It’s strange, because I refuse
it to my shoelaces. A couple of times I’ve looked to shout at the children, unless they’re pushing
down and my shoelaces have untied, and I’m like, At the Australian each other down the stairs or about to put their
what’s happened? Where’s the ring? It has always Open in January hand in the fire. If they’re doing something
come back to me, but the most recent time, I was naughty, I talk it through rather than shout.
certain it was gone. I left my shoes underneath When you get to kid number four, it’s chaos as soon
the car, because after playing tennis for three as you leave the room. It’s a lot easier with one kid,
hours shoes don’t smell particularly good. When but you do become less paranoid. You can’t keep
we went back the next morning, the shoes had an eye on all of them all the time. I feel on more
gone, with my wedding ring on. Someone at the of an even keel since I’ve had the kids, because
GES hotel had picked up my wedding ring and they they are the most important thing. n
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Y IM weren’t forthcoming with getting it back to me
GETT until I got the police involved. Andy Murray’s AMC range is available at castore.com
INTERVIEW Georgina Roberts PORTRAIT Tom Jackson
8 The Times Magazine
‘Showing emotion
on court is seen
as a weakness.
I’ve broken a few
rackets, but I’m
more a shouter’
‘WE’RE NOT NATURAL
SOULMATES’
Fast cars, bust-ups and what I really
think about Jeremy Clarkson