The Tao of Fully Feeling: Harvesting Forgiveness Out of Blame

300 Pages·2022·15.847 MB·English

by  Pete Walker

WWUKENNVEDY AUNIUVERSQITY A
L00096255
ROBERT M. FISHER LIBRARY
JOHN F. KENNEDY UNIVERSITY
|0 0 ELLINWOOD WA
PLEASANT HILL, CA 94523
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THE TAO OF
FULLY FEELING
HARVESTING FORGIVENESS
OUT OF BLAME
ROBERT M. FISHER LIBRARY
JOHN F. KENNEDY UNIVERSITY
100 ELLINWOOD WAY
PLEASANT HILL, CA 94523
PETE WALKER
"Dete Walker wrote a book about his own recov-
ery from emotional numbness. The author
passionately explores as thoroughly as possible
the role of emotions in human life. The result
is not only a moving, honest recount but also an
informative guide for people who want to become
| more aware of their buried feelings. Walker’s
well explained concept of ‘reparenting’ will
help them go through this fascinating process in
a safe, protected way." - ALICE MILLER
THE TAO OF
FULLY FEELING
AN AZURE COYOTE BOOK / 1995
First Edition
For information about Azure Coyote publications, please write:
Azure Coyote Publishing
1034 Second Street
Lafayette, CA 94549
Cover Art: Pip Wilson_
ISBN 0-9642996-0-7
Library of Congress Catalog Card Number 94-96296
Copyright © 1995 by Pete Walker
All rights reserved
Printed in the United States Of America
To my best friend, Sat Ferren
who was like a mother to me.
To Jim Dowe
“Walt Whitman ina Buick”
my most significant father figure.
To my sisters Pat, Diane, and Sharon
whose love helped keep
my heart alive in childhood.
I see there is no prison except that which I construct to
protect myself from feeling my pain.
—- Sheldon Kopp
To be able to invite pain to join in my experience
and not have to control my life to avoid
pain is such a freedom!
- Christina Baldwin
ELRISBIRTAYR Y
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1E0L0L INWO
PHLIELLA SANT
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THE IMPORTANCE OF RECOVERING THE
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How Can I Forgive You If You Are Not To Blame? ............csccsceseeee 10
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Prenrarare rilry CeOC SS PANICE CSULIL gasteretete sis scone sccesereatee ee ccteertnetercse ss 21
Premature Forgiveness And The Loss Of Human Rights ................ Pg
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Perfectionism Kills Self-Esteem, As Phoniness Kills Love............. 26
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TarOPSavanis Ol Me EmouOnal KAN oc cvsccesceesacsesursvacstneess cponrurtsties 32
SyE ESO F) 59 OI UO yf esE AEh i ahs oar Ry Bl eh we eth ere 34
Fundamental Dynamics Of The Emotional Nature ...........sssssseseeees 36
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POSAFICY eceereetcacsess once uttence tee enter tchatever<piessuseacsepetasselefevonpcaoancsess seee es 38
Understanding Polarity Helps Us Deal With Normal Loneliness .... 40
vi Contents
AMDIVAOlM C O cccicecaacecacxnscarct ensss acdanaeatne ectunasctrasnuess ccaanecannnsxnantttaasnse ne 41
Ambivalence And Splitting. csccsccccsturscanssccecenerectsersttsanvandeecxngsueesoenne e 43
Ambivalence And Spirittiality ,...ccccceccscsccseserescoscsassseacdencenncenncaeastense 47
FROW aiac cccucasasecoatocevcons rere sruacia tocneuaneen reset te co asenucan ciated Caaneehy aamte cea eee 48
THE GIFES OF GRIEVING Si oocgsaaceea cetycoseccases cart -nteteecrereearneemeg 51
Grieving And Reclaiming The Losses Of Childhood .........:ccceesesee a2
The Emotions Recovered In Grieving Fuel Intentionality ............... 54
Suggested Intentions For RECOVEIy) :t.cccalesccesnscecchsxacsscssccnceaeseeneanted 56
Gneving Awakens Self-CompassiGnn <2 s.<-..cqacne<oxssaseeseacanqarsaasanntinee BY|
Grieving Recharges The Instinct Of Self-Protection .........:cccseesees 58
Grieving Soothes Emotional Flashbacks ........<ccsssseccg<ssacseswesnqzagneanses 59
The Dysfunctional FamilyzAs A War ZONE ....<.....20s0c0sss-ravsceerecsveas 60
Grieving Decreases SOMAUIZALION <1....55.sceaccasesacaceocsearacrncencsaaneer 64
Grief Opens The Door Io And Peace Relief 2.2. oce eee 66
Grieving Restores Tie breart TO COVe wcrc. cccc<ocesaxccuseteasnces aareseeetanee 67
Circummavigating My: LOme]INeSS vyi.c.ccescsecs-acposeces<decessacaasateoeanaate 68
A Guided Meditation ces tag srtecsc.ciacsevean tenance txetyaentetnce eee eee 71
Grieving Diminishes Denial And Minimization ...........ccccseeeeeeeeeeee 71
Grieving Alleviates Pear And Shame: 225. ..cccsv<ccscessctecrsestoer cuueene s 74
THE ESSENTIAL PROCESSES OF GRIEVING «.ccsccerecencercases 78
CVI co sacsacccsnancocanga aeasaantaceacaacescaonnn caugsa acCren nateae aeea eeenatea e 78
Upgrading Self-Pity Into Self-Compassion ...........:ccccssssesccsecseeeeeseeee 79
Crying Heals Catastrophizing And Drasticizing ...........:ssscsseseeeeees 82
Crying And Positive NOStaI oie. -.cccassscistteicsosaeteae veeeeen 83
ADI BOCUIIG cess vs canpaakostegarasanscaviahtsseadirctbs caeccee aeaeaet asneen aaueest 84
Techniques OP Amgering a. qccsscss<sssicnsic canteeaenn 86
Anwering: Builds Contidonce cccccsusnsecoscammasesssscesea-e neca anaeeaen 89
Temporary Splitting Into Anger Aids Recovery .......c.ccccssssesssssesceees 91
We ral VENUS LEON js cesssnastavcnsuexui sgeensesgensnaad scasvlaak caeen eseoen nsnse 92
GLI VBEIMO C9 sis sac sans vsanaaaseanncieacs conaneitysctsatsnkces waste eee 95
FBG LIID Sv ccas caceannnsasanaceicgars coesuhaavescantilesiaan sate oeemeaee gate eae kee ee 96
AcTechniqué To Enhance Feeling so «.cacss.c:eceneu nceceee 98
Feeling As Spiritual Pracuce-sccscccssascicsns\usnecccac ameoencetn 99
How: Reason Cireumvenis Grieving. ....\nc, eeecre uee e 101
Grieving, Is NOP AIWBYS A Fast Bit cccc.cekc ascee oemee 105
The Dark Night Of The: Souler ctaacntesiaees esecet eee e 107
Unpredictable Storms Of [email protected] socec aenecee 110
When Grieving Does Not Bring Relief... 0... nuceceeeunr e e 111
Contents
6. GRIEVING PROMOTES VITALITY BY DECREASING
BOLE DES is UG VENES \:..ces fe creunepn tas etic t ee ete. 115
EHISSOCIO TON rere ssc Te eee, sate ch ARPES ek tS Da ree kro 116
Everything In Moderation Including Defended-ness ............s.c:000000 118
ERSD OIISUV AC S se tecac sucess aieee eh AE cote 120
Esoking Ontao Avoid, Looking In s.cace, ae ea ee 122
PICA YIELV POL Milc ane ea eecce ee cinta ete eae ere 123
The Hypervigilance/Dissociation “TW0-Step” ........scsesssssesscesseeeeee 124
NOSCSSEVENESS circus sie ahcvee see ces OP ee ae ee ee 124
Healthy, OBSeSsivenessiec..c esriacretes cee ee aes 126
The Therapeutic Cul-de-sac Of Overanalyzing Obsessions............. 127
GPUS ECCS eee epee rte oop accoey won sk concen sasucv om MTs 128
SOMPUIstCnis WyC ARA DULL IUL S OCICS ft, cones eter ecaussteteeereetseent s 2)
Obsessive -Gompuisivenessinc.sikicaekie-ec .coeeevsas 131
BatDoyl as anih 2ecde- ce sncncers coe eevee ee tga occsc oan oe eee eee 134
PeVUyN OSLS HAI COU PETIUCIICE a o--nss ce csrik soca: cess bacesaeere eee anes 135
Rieli y Omi pu Sav CC SS cn orcs sccvscev sn actbartacswaenvess thaeueeh cceheeeeen ese e 138
The Healthy Use Of Defenses To Retreat From Grieving ............... 139
When Recovery Becomes Obsessive-COmpulSive ........ssseseceereeees 140
7 BVAME AND PORGIVENESS occ citarsiessnnscnsnsmrsnssebaarpexonedsarnonsaves 142
BEAme ISOLA MDi ty WOE Soe so iastectctasres ceeddn aeceysetantinntstaancnotsastenoe s 142
Learned Helplessness:And Toxic Blames, est.ip isscst.esors.eene8ssso.aeec ase 143
Blame@As Healthy Self-Provection ..-.scscssesesasscseseseastovessecesscecenceevsses 145
WNG.RECOVErY VS. RECOVErIng TINO} aiiiissececscerscs deconsssaeetsan crtietateseass 146
Too Shamed.To. Blaine sri vikesioct evsel Sensctencs covscoucassonsteteceopeepebobbnaical 147
Angerng Out The Blamcy: 21.5. schsccertsvecsstucrhsosceso soevmeaabnetneoei the rs 148
Repetition Compulsion, Blame And Premature Forgiveness ........... 151
The Healing Ambivalence Of Feeling Both Forgiveness And Blame . 156
Blame As Ail ONGOine PLOCESS crv enco, teveece stoatsancnbonsvnaseercseversrocestiusnts 158
BIAME ANG DHAING sertee carttachs tatkrerctptessbcesdenxt chteenttoedasspesttsrasneoceccs 0s et 159
Me MMmMerC VCAL PArCHit aeeyenp sete -anroves corcensesaevatesteitesaatcarsecacaveconense 160
Declaring War On The Inner Critical Parent .....:0.ccssessssnsssesssensevnresen 161
BEAVIS RAMI ete soteys ee. noccerce-as-cvcoazdsceasoussvaencesvsesnscedotyedssnretanaabonecs 163
The Interplay Of Blame And FOrgiveness........s..ssssssesessereesseseeceees 166
8. FULLY FEELING DEPENDS UPON FULLY REMEMBERING ... 169
Constructing A Detailed Picture Of Childhood Abuse And Neglect ... 170
NeaDrre AND AIS een cteseee vee teen navecct scae oe sent narerheceaneteneletsanretbvarsicctsccaveyse s 172
EmiotionaliA DUSC eee saeceres. cencetecv stan csons cates oso cnstccccvatssncesstenespestarapears 173
Vill Contents
The Deadly Duo Of Verbal And Emotional AbuSe ..........ssseeeeere 174
Sarcasm And Teasing: DiSguised ADUSC ..0....,.s..s:.sessssaceunsnscvsvacssvesne 176
Characteristics Of Destructive SatcaSi ....1scca<s0--ns-acvnscsovonsguerousssessa 177
SArCASm WOUNAS veer ier tiles tatuvunes ccaeNgaces ve coesellscesseees siceerenaeeeent 179
Sarcasm: The Leaking Out Of Repressed Anger ..:<....0ssessecsmmagesteeate 181
TIE VISION-ANG SAarCaSIttsreccsrccerssasesssevacslcovanvasinrncabteepatoe seeet scacpeesen s 183
Sarcasm, Makes: MancAnIslaind 20siastccscssesresyzeorezesocoenacsncctoctacetearmears 183
Sarcasm Kills: Relationships er,..cs.svecsduccrecoratens cvnsaneveecssdiuereeeuecyaae 185
HealthysLimits With Sarcasm And Teasing <s...csmaerseacnnosntuenrcoonscea e 186
Constructive Feedback Naturally De-escalates Sarcasm .............0. 187
Neglect: Invisible Perpetrations aiversu.t.0.<c.0er-1erersteulsrt seats 188
Verbal Negle c tca lecacermecents ves osecgsvcvonettensneddncvstianuiy ieeaeeen uavnensta 189
Verbal INuUmturani@e \iescoccrstevssiucisvonvavecatcucses <sladntnctuessdiecactecsenttalseomaees 190
Healing: Verbal Neglect eearsieatecolvicessacvoscueancustetenenpeteenReaaec ee,a 191
Psychotherapy Resuscitates Self-EXxpressin ..........sssssssserseeseceeeees 192
BmOtiOnal NESIECE .. ne seasnsetes sates scctsocensctaareeveschecoenee ececttu epesaeo ea e 194
METEOR LING yoo ea tose ace secteteeeas tere etiraeichesoszenyecosnuveenruee ntauee atmeeen 195
FAULT EO VTiV E SB iepeco ctr at tee tetae iho naka se oeuagh dcanict cetuse Can ean 196
Healing: Bmotional Neglecting esac, conc vctisceseswcavees spesceceeceeveneeee ee eee 197
S piritival: ADUSE teesecceteectts cuaetocses eaccrt epacnoeueekp tren ee a remeaeee een 199
Spiritual Neglect ..cxcestiemnnteeegesterde-1u ocnsev ece reeuec ceueces 200
Healing :Sp iritnal Neglect. Series icsse.vaceceacacrzcnsencervecescteeeasteaeseeatseoemie s 201
Grieving AS Spiritiial: Practice... Ginwwatsccascccuekssaooenc eesea eetec eneie 202
9. SELF-COMPASSIONATE REPARENTING. ......ccccsssssssssssseseseoseves 205
Reparenting Begins With Forgiving The Inner Child ..............:000008 207
Talking To And Por The Taner Child ij .ccccscstesceceee cteecnecces 208
SOlf<Mio theta gy\ ecises se corosewr tetra ctose tues eeeece ck cas viens pecedaceeeer aeeene 211
SELE~Pathering y ck scesneeehaeteese sa eratssag sa teeeviathcs del ouecianeee cee nee 213
10. FORGIVENESS AND EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCES ...... 215
Our Parents’ Uncried Tears Became Their Rage .........scscsssscesseeseeees 216
Forgiving Our Parents ciceucyeecassaste.caktarsi loevceei odsceee eetesces 217
The Emotional And Spiritual Carnage Of The Industrial Revolution.. 219
The Imaginative Reconstruction Of Our Parents’Childhoods ......... ae
God: The Ultimate Extenuating Circumstance ....c.cccccccscssescecesceeeee 223
Understanding Extenuating Circumstances Assuages Shame.......... 224
11.) LIMITS. OF FORGIVENESS Siteseacesseereeterststss.cceeee 226