The surrendered wife : a practical guide for finding intimacy, passion, and peace with a man

212 Pages·2001·0.82 MB·English

by  Doyle

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Copyright © 1999, 2001 by Laura Doyle All rights reserved, including the right
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Designed by William P. Rusto ISBN 0-7432-1150-2
eISBN-13: 978-0-74321150-5
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ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Special thanks to all the women in the original Surrendered Circle, especially
Lynnae Bennett and Christine Gordon, who were the first ones brave enough to
take this plunge. Christine also has my eternal thanks for her expert editing.
What would I do without her? Glad I don’t have to think about that!
Speaking of expert editors, I’m incredibly lucky that this book fell into the hands
of Doris Cooper at Simon & Schuster, who was visionary enough to see its
potential. She is wonderfully encouraging and motivating—and amazingly
thorough.
Of course, I never would have met Doris if I didn’t have the best agent in the
world: Jimmy Vines. Thanks, Jimmy!
I’m also thankful to my sisters Hannah and Katie, who let me draft them into
surrendering and provided thoughtful insights. My brother, John, was a
wonderful source of support and inspiration while I was writing this book.
Most of all, I’m grateful to my beloved husband, John Doyle. He helped me to
become my best self, and made me laugh all along the way. I still say I’m a little
luckier.
For John
THE SURRENDERED WIFE
CONTENTS
Introduction
Take the Quiz: How Intimate is Your Marriage?
1.Respect the Man You Married by Listening to Him
2.Give Up Control to Have More Power
3.Keep Surrendering a Secret
4.Take Care of Yourself First
5.Express Your Desires
6.Relinquish the Chore of Managing the Finances
7.Receive Graciously
8.Foster Friendships with Women
9.Resist Biting the Bait
10.Avoid Setting Up a Negative Expectation
11.Stop Reading His Mind
12.Don’t Crowd the Setter
13.Abandon the Myth of Equality
14.Set Limits by Saying “I Can’t”
15.Strive to Be Vulnerable
16.Admit It When You’re Hurt
17.Let Your Husband Be the Children’s Father
18.Listen for the Heart Message
19.Take a Feminine Approach to Sex
20.Say Yes to Sex
21.Never Eat Worms
22.Ignore the Red Herring
23.Rely on a Spiritual Connection
24.Let Him Solve Some of Your Problems
25.Be a Diplomat in the Male Culture
26.Measure Your Progress
27.Spend Your Energy Surplus on Yourself
How It Is Now
Appendix: Surrendered Circles
INTRODUCTION
“To fall in love is easy, even to remain in it is not difficult; our human loneliness
is cause enough. But it is a hard quest worth making to find a comrade through
whose steady presence one becomes steadily the person one desires to be.”
—ANNA LOUISE STRONG
WHY WOULD A WOMAN SURRENDER?
When I was newly married at twenty-two, I had no idea I would ever call myself
a surrendered wife. At that time, the very phrase would have repulsed me.
I did know that marriage was risky because I had watched my parents go through
a brutal divorce. Still, I was hopeful that I could do better. I was amazed that my
husband, John, could love me as much as he did, and part of me believed we
could make our marriage work simply because it was born of so much goodness.
At first our marriage was blissful. Then, I started to see John’s imperfections
more glaringly, and I began correcting him. It was my way of helping him to
improve. From my point of view, if he would just be more ambitious at work,
more romantic at home, and clean up after himself, everything would be fine. I
told him as much.
He didn’t respond well. And, it’s no wonder. What I was really trying to do was
control John. The harder I pushed, the more he resisted, and we both grew
irritable and frustrated. While my intentions were good, I was clearly on the road
to marital hell. In no time I was exhausted from trying to run my life and his.
Even worse, I was becoming estranged from the man who had once made me so
happy. Our marriage was in serious trouble and it had only been four years since
we’d taken our vows.
My loneliness was so acute I was willing to try anything to cure it. I went to
therapy, where I learned that I often used control as a defense. I read John