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FFRREEEE EEVVEERRYY OOTTHHEERR WWEEDDNNEESSDDAAYY •• VVOOLL.. 2299,, NNOO.. 1122 •• 22002200 •• TTHHEESSTTRRAANNGGEERR..CCOOMM JAN FEB 29 11 THE LLOOVVEE ISSUE 2 JANUARY 29, 2020 THE STRANGER THE STRANGER JANUARY 29, 2020 3 Four Seattle locations open 7 days a week! Pike Place Market Belltown Pioneer Square White Center Mon-Fri 7-2 Sat-Sun 8-3 biscuitbitch.com r k a r P a i l e r T Ta b l e t o 4 JANUARY 29, 2020 THE STRANGER THE STRANGER JANUARY 29, 2020 5 VOLUME 29, ISSUE NUMBER 12 January 29–February 11, 2020 Editorial ADVERTISING COORDINATOR EDITOR OF PRINT Bobby Anderson Christopher Frizzelle Events & Media MANAGING EDITOR Leilani Polk EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR DIGITAL EDITOR Tracey Cataldo Chase Burns EXECUTIVE PRODUCER ASSOCIATE EDITORS Rob Crocker Charles Mudede, MARKETING & Eli Sanders PROMOTIONS DIRECTOR Caroline Dodge SENIOR STAFF WRITER Rich Smith MARKETING & EVENTS COORDINATOR STAFF WRITERS Kevin Murphy Lester Black, Nathalie Graham, GRAPHIC DESIGNER Katie Herzog, Chelcie Blackmun Jasmyne Keimig, Dave Segal FILM EDITOR COVER ART Shane Wahlund by Elaine Lin COPY CHIEF PODCASTS @ itselainelin Gillian Anderson Nancy Hartunian EverOut Business 7 REGIONAL CALENDAR PRESIDENT DIRECTOR FORTNIGHT Tim Keck Jamie Reed What you missed if you’ve been wear- CFO ARTS CALENDAR EDITOR Rob Crocker ing a ball gag for the last two weeks. Joule Zelman Plus: Ask Kendra the kitten! ACCOUNTING MANAGER MUSIC CALENDAR EDITOR Renée Krulich Kim Selling 9 RECEPTIONIST FOOD & DRINK CALENDAR Mike Nipper EDITOR THE LOVE ISSUE CREDIT MANAGER/ Julianne Bell OFFICE MANAGER Intro ........................................................9 ASSOCIATE CALENDAR Evanne Hall EDITOR Gas station pills ..............................10 Elaina Friedman Technology & Online dating war stories .............11 Development Art & Production Best bathrooms for fucking ........12 CHIEF TECHNOLOGY ART DIRECTOR Cocktail-making date ....................13 Jessica Stein OFFICER Anthony Hecht The science of heartbreak ............14 DESIGNERS LEAD DEVELOPER Rachelle Abellar, Jay Jansheski Can you recycle that dildo? .........16 Anthony Keo, Zak Kloes, DEVELOPERS Lessons from exes ...........................17 Joel Schomberg Michael Crowl, Nick Nelson Advertising TECH SUPPORT SPECIALIST BLUNT TALK .................................18 Grant Hendrix REGIONAL SALES DIRECTOR FREE WILL ASTROLOGY...............19 James Deeley Bold Type Tickets SAVAGE LOVE ...............................21 SENIOR ACCOUNT DIRECTOR OF SALES & EXECUTIVES ART ..............................................23 Ben Demar, OPERATIONS Katie Phoenix Sarah VanSandt BOOKS & TALKS ..........................25 SENIOR ACCOUNT CLIENT SOLUTIONS VALENTINE'S DAY EVENTS ..........27 EXECUTIVE/THEATER REPRESENTATIVE Juliette Brush-Hoover Janina Loos PERFORMANCE ..........................29 ENTERTAINMENT Circulation MUSIC .........................................33 ACCOUNT EXECUTIVE Diana Katz CIRCULATION MANAGER FILM.............................................49 Kevin Shurtluff DISPLAY ACCOUNT FOOD & DRINK .............................51 EXECUTIVE CIRCULATION ASSISTANT Neal Callahan Paul Kavanagh LAUGH WHILE YOU CAN .............54 SALES OPERATIONS Publisher MANAGER Taff y Marler Laurie Saito THE STRANGER 1535 11th Avenue, Third Floor, Seattle, WA 98122 VOICE 206-323-7101 FAX 206-323-7203 SALES FAX 206-325-4865 The Stranger is available free of charge. Limit one copy Mon–Fri, 9 am–5:30 pm per reader. Not for resale. Additional copies of the current issue may be purchased for $1, payable in advance at our [email protected] offi ce. The Stranger may only be distributed by authorized distributors. Address back issue requests and bulk copy distribution questions to [email protected] 6 JANUARY 29, 2020 THE STRANGER FREE EVERY OTHER WEDNESDAY • VOL. 28, NO. 16 • 2019 • THESTRANGER.COM FFRREEEE EEVVEERRYY OOTTHHEERR WWEEDDNNEESSDDAAYY •• VVOOLL.. 2288,, NNOO.. 2244 •• 22001199 •• TTHHEESSTTRRAANNGGEERR..CCOOMM M2A7R A9PR JJ11UU77LLYY JJ33UU00LLYY RAT CITY ROLLER DERBY PPAABBRRLLTTOOCCYYKK!! IS BEING EVIHCTEED.L..P! EE NNPPDDRROOIIRRMMSSEEAAMMRREENNYYTTSS!! PP.. 1111PP.. 3399 is a city publication with independent writers, smart arts criticism, and Pulitzer Prize-winning journalism. And it’s free for everyone! Help us keep it that way at thestranger.com/contribute FREE EVERY OTHER WEDNESDAY • VOL. 27, NO. 27 • 2018 • THESTRANGER.COM FREE EVERY OTHER WEDNESDAY • VOL. 27, NO. 11 • 2018 • THESTRANGER.COM A1U5G 2AU8G J3AN J1A6N SEEING BEINGS REGRETS ISSUE TWHEE M BAIGDGEE ISNT 2 M01I7S TAKES GHUEIDMEP! FPE. S2T6 P.11 LESTER BLACK VAPES THE MOST POWERFUL PSYCHEDELIC IN THE WORLD P.11 OFPOFL OSUDES,A AT!R TTTLWSEO’ S& W BCEEUSELTKT SUM’R UWESOIRC,T H THE STRANGER JANUARY 29, 2020 7 Partial Index man-on-man sex p. 25 ball-gag-wearing Oscar the Grouch p. 16 ocean-blue light p. 23 bushy-haired singer-songwriter p. 33 pimple-causing sex pills p. 10 condom-covered penis p. 21 second-best lube p. 18 enemies-to-lovers storyline p. 29 spanking-related elation p. 14 late-night bars of Thailand p. 51 wig-wearing bank robber p. 11 EDITOR’S NOTE I, ANONYMOUS ASK KENDRA THE KITTEN! Dear Kendra the Kitten, I recently started dating a musician and I’m worried he might cheat on me. Do you have any advice? —Beth, 22, Ballard You know what I worry about, Beth? I worry about eating string and vomiting. I worry about feline lower urinary tract diseases, which can cause bloody urine, dehydration, and depression. Yes, I’m struggling with depression, thanks for asking. I also worry about fl eas, and when I’m not worrying about fl eas, I worry about tapeworms. You might think that a cute little kitten has JOHNNY SAMPSON it all worked out, but I don’t. I would kill for a boyfriend, If you are a politician or activist who got a weird especially one that could play guitar. Grow up phone call from Stranger reporter Lester Black and get over yourself. recently, that was not Lester Black. An im- STEVEN WEISSMAN Dear Kendra the Kitten, poster—very likely a local Proud Boy—pretending Fuck you, parking enforcement offi cer, who I My wife is not a very good cook, but she to be Lester was placing calls to sources and won’t call out by name but who I and the rest of wants to make me dinner on Valentine’s Day. claiming to be writing a story about how not all the neighborhood know very well. Fuck you for Should I just pretend to enjoy her cooking, or white supremacists are bad. For the record, all giving me a parking ticket outside of the coffee should I insist on taking her out to our favorite restaurant, the Pink Door? white supremacists are bad, and Lester himself —John, 51, downtown shop when I SAW YOU in the act and told you was on vacation in Japan. While the unknown I’d move my car immediately. Fuck you for then imposter was conducting fake interviews by My owner is not a very good cook, either. Every day he comes home from work, takes off his lanyard, sits ticketing me again a few days later for being phone, here’s what Lester was actually doing: down on the toilet without closing the door, takes a huge dump, sings to me “Kendra the Kitten, in the “within 15 feet of a fi re hydrant”—in a parking smoking cigarettes in a fi ve-person Yokocho bar deep blue sea…” (which makes no fucking sense because I’ve never even seen the sea), and then, with- spot on this street that’s almost always occu- in Shibuya; scalding his nude body in a mountain out washing his hands, goes into the kitchen and scoops dry cat food into a bowl for me. The fuck? Is pied and does not in fact block the fi re hydrant, hot spring; watching an entire village beat their he trying to give me foodborne illnesses? Why don’t you divorce your wife and take me to the Pink Door? and in which I’d never been ticketed previously. 25-year-olds with fl aming stakes in an annual A few conversations around the neighborhood Dosojin fi re festival; seeing a Japanese macaque, Dear Kendra the Kitten, reveal that you’re pretty infamous for being a also known as a snow monkey, in a tree at a ski I saw my girlfriend talk to another guy on campus. She was smiling and everything. What does it mean? douchebag. A bit of googling shows that your —Jake, 19, U-District surname is already dirty. Is that why you’re area; spending one hour in a Tokyo love hotel; stuck as a grumpy parking enforcement offi cer? and eating so much ramen that he almost threw That you’re ugly. up in a trendy unmarked ramen shop. If you Shame on you, man. You’re a joke. ANONYMOUS get a call or text from Lester and want to verify Do you have a question for Kendra the Kitten? Send it to [email protected]. SOMETHING TO GET OFF YOUR CHEST? you’re not being pranked, you can always email E-mail 200 words or less to [email protected] to double check. [email protected] house with signs. against war with Iran. In the same meeting, A synthesizer duo named the Beauty the councilmembers had a bit of a quarrel Hunters—featuring Mudhoney bassist Guy A local man’s phone was allegedly hacked by over whether these purely symbolic resolu- Maddison—played the album-release party Saudi Arabia. According to a United Na- tions do anything. for their debut record, Muscle Memory, at the tions investigation, the man—Jeff Bezos unlikely venue of Westedge Cycle, a motor- of Medina, Washington—was targeted by Gunfi re broke out just outside of the Mc- cycle repair shop. It was a full-on psychedel- the Saudis in an attempt to infl uence the Donald’s at 3rd and Pine in downtown ic audio-visual happening, with 3-D glasses Washington Post, which later reported on the Seattle, killing one person and wounding handed out to enhance the already trippy assassination of its own columnist, Jamal seven others. images projected behind the band. It sound- Khashoggi. Mr. Bezos, who owns ed nothing at all like the hard rock for which During his January performance at the Par- the Washington Post, responded Speaking of McDonald’s, a vet- Mudhoney have become justly revered. amount Theatre, stand-up comic Patton to the report by subtweeting eran was kicked out of one in Oswalt confessed that he no longer saw the Saudi Arabia and showing the Everett for openly carrying a If Ken Jennings point of telling jokes about Donald Trump. world that power doesn’t make karambit, a curved blade in a The presidency itself is the joke. “The people any less petty on Twitter. sheath. It’s four inches long and weren’t married, Trump administration,” Oswalt ventured, falls under Washington’s open we’d be camped “is like a collision between an 18-wheeler The fi rst case of the Wuhan carry laws. He wears it every full of monkeys on PCP and an 18-wheeler coronavirus to reach Amer- day. The manager of the Mc- outside of his house. full of diarrhea.” ican shores was reported in SAM JONES Donald’s refused him service No Trump jokes. Washington state after a Sno- after seeing the knife out in the Ken Jennings, the pride of Seattle, recent- homish County man fell ill following a trip to open, saying that there were “children here.” Before the live set, another Mudhoney ly secured his position as Jeopardy’s Great- China. At press time, the number of people member, drummer Dan Peters, spun some est of All Time by easily winning the recent in the US with the virus is up to fi ve. Staff Following in the footsteps of the American records up in a second-fl oor DJ booth. He tournament that pitted him against two members at The Stranger used the growing dream, a bald eagle was euthanized after played a mix of new wave, punk, rock, and equally brilliant (but not brilliant enough, pandemic as an excuse to work from home. being shot at a Tacoma wetland. If you have soul, but the day’s biggest shock came when it turns out) champions. Jennings also se- any information on who might have shot the he dropped the absurdly plinky-plonky 1982 cured his spot in our hearts. If you weren’t The Seattle City Council recently unani- eagle, you can contact the Department of hit “Da Da Da” by the German group Trio. married, Ken, we’d be camped outside your mously passed a purely symbolic resolution Fish & Wildlife. Talk about subverting expectations… ■ 8 JANUARY 29, 2020 THE STRANGER THE STRANGER JANUARY 29, 2020 9 Tailor Maid Topless & Non-Topless Cleaning, Cooking & Maid Service Book online at: tailormaidservices.online 425.247.0195 Treat yourself like the goddess you are. Free Chat Hour A s Valentine’s Day approaches, the staff of The 8-9PM Stranger has been reading an avalanche of sub- Always FREE to chat with VIP members missions for our online-dating horror story essay 1on1, live group chatrooms, forums contest. Rude men, drunk men, and bank-robbing men all feature prominently among the finalists, but the winning story, by Jessi Miles, might be the weirdest first date we’ve ever heard of. “Finally that awful date has paid off ,” Miles Can sex toys be recycled? What do you do joked when we contacted her about winning with an old dildo you don’t want anymore? the cash prize. Read her short essay, as well as Jasmyne Keimig asks around and has a few those by the two other runners-up, on page 11. ideas: page 16. The Stranger has investigated many sub- Speaking of old dildos, dirtbag ex-boy- jects before—brutal murders, political deceit, friends are the pits. Leilani Polk reveals a endangered species—but few journalistic few of the hard-won lessons from two men forays have been quite so heart-pounding as she dated but had the wisdom not to marry— Strike a Chase Burns’s report on what those gas station thank god: page 17. “male enhancement” pills do. Do they work? If you have recently had your heart broken Are they safe? What happens, exactly? Only and you’re wondering why it’s having a physi- Live Match one way to fi nd out: page 10. cal eff ect on you, well, Katie Herzog has the an- Need a cute date idea? Nathalie Graham re- swers—as well as the surprising story of what Seattle cently attended a cocktail-making class with one local woman did to get over it: page 14. 206-753-CHAT (2428) her boyfriend, and she reports on what it was Why do sex and weed go so well together? Tacoma 253-359-CHAT like: page 13. Science has the answers: page 18. Everett 425-405-CHAT You know how sometimes you’re on a date, Plus: a review of Garth Greenwell’s steamy Vancouver, WA 360-314-CHAT and things are getting hot and heavy, and the new novel full of gay sex (p. 25), an art show Vancouver, BC 604-343-3013 moment is right for you-know-what, but you in which roses feature prominently (p. 23), a Victoria, BC 778-747-0269 can’t go back to their place, and you can’t go romantic musical in which vanilla ice cream Portland 503-222-CHAT More Numbers on LiveMatch.com back to your place? What are your other op- is featured prominently (p. 29), and a full All orientations welcome tions? Rich Smith has three ideas: page 12. Valentine’s Day calendar (p. 27). 10 JANUARY 29, 2020 THE STRANGER Do Those Gas Station Pills Work? What happens when you take over-the-counter “male enhancement” pills? Only one way to find out. BY CHASE BURNS Y ou can find so many cause there weren’t any ingre- things at a gas station dients that could get someone convenience store. Slush- kicked out of the Olympics. Its ies. Mystery meat hot primary ingredient was yohim- dogs. Enough caffeine to be extract, which comes from energize a small militia. An Amer- an African tree and apparently ican gas station can feel unincor- helps with erectile dysfunction porated, lawless. AND promotes weight loss. But of all the things you can find But wait, there’s more: cof- at a gas station, nothing feels more fee bean extract, green tea leaf lawless than those “male enhance- extract, turmeric root powder, ment” pills. basil leaf powder, even oregano. Sometimes they’re at the front OREGANO. That’s just the be- counter. Sometimes they’re next ginning. There’s also apple fruit to the condoms. They go by many extract, sweet cherry fruit pow- names, and promise “TIME!” der, black currant fruit extract, “SIZE!” and “STAMINA!” and VEGETABLES: broccoli, on- The most famous of these is the ion, tomato, carrot, spinach, and legendary Rhino pill, with a big kale powder. KALE POWDER. Rhino on the packaging, the word This was like taking an entire “RHINO,” and typically a number— spice cabinet, throwing some Rhino 7, Rhino 25, Rhino 69. Who African bark into it, and selling knows what the numbers mean. it as a magic pill. Recently, according to the FDA, It was a Saturday night. I unapproved Rhino pills have been pulled out Ageless Male TO- showing up in single-serving siz- NIGHT and gave one to my es under names like Gold Rhino boyfriend. He took it without 25000, Platinum Rhino 25000, fear. I was more anxious. I didn’t TERRA DEHART and Krazzy Rhino 25000. Their I bought mine at the gas station 7/11 at the corner of Madison and 16th. want more pimples. We took it packaging advertises that one pill at around 9:45. It was supposed lasts seven, nine, or even 14 days. Yes, FOUR- CAPS.) I opted against buying a Rhino pill sweaty. Really sweaty. I-just-ate-an-entire- to kick in within an hour. TEEN DAYS. (Side note: If you have an erec- at the nearby Shell station, having read a pig sweaty. My back was wet, my forehead By 10:37, the sweating started. “Oh god,” tion lasting more than four hours, you need warning issued by the FDA that some people was wet. I didn’t feel horny, but I did feel like I thought. “More sweating.” My body got to go to an emergency room immediately.) who used the FOURTEEN-DAY BONER pill I could go to war. warmer. My throat, I thought, was maybe While I don’t have any reason to use a experienced “chest pain, severe headaches, I went to look at myself in the mirror. My beginning to swell. “male enhancement” pill—I’m not bragging, and prolonged erections… that led to surgical glasses were fogged up. My face was pinker. “How do you feel?” I asked my boyfriend. but I’m in my 20s and my junk works just intervention and hospitalization.” My skin warmer. I needed to go home. I took “Absolutely normal,” he said. Extenze Plus came in a pack of five. Appar- my lunch break. Hm. I didn’t. “What if I’m allergic to one of ently, it’s more like a daily multivitamin. The On my way home, I noticed older men star- the things in here?” I asked, Googling ingre- Right away, I started packaging read that it’s “doctor approved” ing at me. Were they checking me out? Cruis- dients. What was camu camu fruit powder? and increases “SIZE,” “PLEASURE,” and ing? Did they sense the Extenze? Had they Was I going to die from camu camu fruit pow- to get sweaty. Really “PERFORMANCE.” taken Extenze? “Maybe they just notice how der? I drank some water and calmed down. sweaty. I-just-ate-an- Extenze got its notoriety through info- sweaty I am,” I thought. “It’s probably that.” “I don’t feel anything,” he said. “Maybe I mercials starring big-dicked porn star Ron When I got home, I was hard. But it wasn’t will in another hour.” entire-pig sweaty. Jeremy. In one infomercial I watched, Jere- 25 percent bigger, like Ron Jeremy claimed. We waited another hour. Still nothing. my would yell at men to “GET UP!” and just Actually, it wasn’t bigger at all. It just looked “Do you want to do it?” “TRY ONE BOTTLE!” to get “25 PERE- like it had a LOT of blood flowing to it. “Sure.” fine—I’ve always found these pills alluring. CENT BIGGER!” “This can’t be safe,” I thought. I felt like I We went into the bedroom and proceeded Recklessly, I mentioned this at a Stranger ed- Professional athletes are banned from was in Magic Mike XXL. I masturbated. Then to have incredibly passionless sex. The entire itorial meeting for this Valentine’s Day issue, taking Extenze, since it contains micron- I masturbated again. I felt weird. time I wondered if my throat was swelling and everyone was intrigued. I’d landed my ized DHEA, considered to be a doping agent. When I got back to work, my pupils were up. “Do you feel like an ageless male tonight?” dick an assignment. Olympic track champion LaShawn Merritt massively dilated, like a shark’s. Or like it was I asked. received a two-year ban for taking Extenze in 6 a.m. at the club and I was on molly. A few “I always feel ageless,” he said. We laughed, *** 2010. Merrit, then only 23, said he didn’t read hours later, the pimples started. First a few on then got soft. Eventually, we came—at the “Do these pills really work?” I asked the ca- the “fine print” on the pills—it is, after all, eas- my chin. Then near my eyebrows. Between same time, even! But I don’t think that had shier at the gas station 7/11 at Madison and ily available at gas stations—and called it a the pupils and pimples and pulsating blood, anything to do with the pills. We stayed up 16th on Capitol Hill. “foolish, immature, and egotistical mistake.” I looked scary. until 4 a.m. I concluded that these were just “I don’t know,” he said, shrugging. “Need I took my first Extenze pill before lunch, I couldn’t believe I picked this up at a gas caffeine pills with a vegetable blend. anything else?” I think he wanted me to get during a workday. I figured that if I took it station. I decided to give Extenze a break. The next day, my boyfriend asked if he the hell out of there. while at work, I would avoid a placebo effect could have the Ageless Male TONIGHT pills. *** “No, I’m good,” I said dejectedly, taking my that might kick in if I took it at home with “Why?” I asked. bag of little red pills. my boyfriend. I moved on to my second package of pills, “They get the blood flowing. I heard they’re I’d selected two brands: Extenze Plus and This might’ve been a mistake. It didn’t Ageless Male TONIGHT. (I love a good cap- good to take when you work out.” Ageless Male TONIGHT. (Male enhance- taste weird. There was nothing out of the italization.) He popped one and headed to the gym. At ment brands love to write things in ALL ordinary. But 15 minutes after taking it, I was I felt more comfortable with these be- least they were good for something. ■