The Stranger 2018-01-17 (volume 27, issue 12)

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FREE EVERY OTHER WEDNESDAY • VOL. 27, NO. 12 • 2018 • THESTRANGER.COM
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4 JANUARY 17, 2018 THE STRANGER
THE STRANGER JANUARY 17, 2018 5
VOLUME 27, ISSUE NUMBER 12
January 17–30, 2018
Staff
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COLORING CONTEST! Sean Nelson Caroline Dodge
Adults 21 and older, flex your creative
STAFF WRITERS MARKETING & PROMOTIONS
coloring chops on this cover for a chance Sydney Brownstone, COORDINATOR
to win righteous prizes that include Amber Cortes, Status Causey
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Co., Soi, and Cupcake Royale, and a VIP Katie Herzog, PODCASTS
wine tasting for six from Mercer Estates Dave Segal Nancy Hartunian
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Download a PDF of the cover at
thestranger.com/coloringcontest. Things To Do CFO
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REGIONAL CALENDAR ACCOUNTING MANAGER
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Jamie Reed
RECEPTIONIST
Table of Contents ARTS CALENDAR EDITOR Mike Nipper
Joule Zelman KHAO SOI, CURRY NOODLE SOUP FOR THE SOUL.
CREDIT MANAGER/
MUSIC CALENDAR EDITOR OFFICE MANAGER
7 Kim Selling Evanne Hall
FOOD & DRINK CALENDAR Technology and
FORTNIGHT EDITOR
Julianne Bell Development
Feds crack down on cannabis.
Landslide looms. Let’s ride bikes! ASSOCIATE CALENDAR
EDITOR CHIEF TECHNOLOGY
Elaina Friedman OFFICER
Anthony Hecht
9
Art & Production LEAD DEVELOPER
Jay Jansheski
HIGH-BRR-NATION:
REGIONAL DIRECTOR
DEVELOPERS
THE STRANGER’S GUIDE OF PRODUCTION Michael Crowl, Nick
TO SURVIVING WINTER Erica Tarrant Nelson, Hannah
Balenda
ART DIRECTOR
WITH WEED Tracie Louck
Bold Type Tickets
Take Weekend Road Trips … 11
EDITORIAL DESIGNERS
Hidden Pictures Fun Page … 13 Mike Force, Jessica
Stein DIRECTOR OF SALES AND SUN-THURS: 11AM-11PM | FRI/SAT: 10PM-CLOSE
Go for Long Walks in the City … 15 OPERATIONS
ADVERTISING DESIGNERS Ryan Sparks HAPPY HOUR DAILY 3-6PM
Strap on Some Snowshoes… 16 Chelcie Blackmun, Joel
Schomberg, Laurel CLIENT SOLUTIONS
Why Don’t Stoners Dream? … 19
Fried MANAGER
The High List: Winter Activities Callan Berry
Advertising
for Stoners … 20
CLIENT SOLUTIONS
SENIOR ACCOUNT REPRESENTATIVES
EXECUTIVES Grant Hendrix, Sarah
FREE WILL ASTROLOGY......................27 Devin Bannon, Katie VanSandt
Phoenix, Andi Pistay
Circulation
SAVAGE LOVE......................................29 SENIOR ACCOUNT
EXECUTIVE/THEATER
THINGS TO DO ....................................33 Juliette Brush-Hoover CIRCULATION MANAGER
Kevin Shurtluff
ENTERTAINMENT
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Diana Katz Paul Kavanagh
PERFORMANCE...................................41
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Darci Gatlin Tim Keck
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THE STRANGER JANUARY 17, 2018 7
Currently Outraged Hey, Ovary Owners
@DParkCommunity Piss on this issue of The Stranger
Haiti, El Salvador, and all of Africa to fi nd out if you’re pregnant.
@SeaBikeBlog vs. #HostileArchitecture
@GetOutMovie fans
Stranger readers regret Stranger regrets
weren’t regretful enough
I, ANONYMOUS
OBJECT LESSON
Attorney General
Jeff Sessions
The Pot Cookie
Consider the pot cookie—the commercial,
prepackaged variety brought to us by legal weed
and suddenly imperiled by racist geriatrics in
that other Washington.
My fi rst hit of pot,
administered by the
man who literally wrote STEVEN
WEISSMAN
the book*, changed
my life for the better. You called me, a licensed mental-health profes-
But I never got used to sional, asking for a letter certifying your pet as an
smoking pot—the stench, emotional support animal so you can fly with it
the ashes, the asthma uncrated on a plane. I have a secret for you: All
attacks. I preferred pets are emotional support animals. Your dog is
edibles. And back in the no more special than mine, and you should not
MIKE FORCE
day—way, way back before July 8, 2014 (when be trying to use and abuse the absurd regulations
the fi rst legal recreational pot stores opened in Feds crack down on cannabis. that allow pets on planes, so long as you can get
Seattle)—if you wanted edibles, you had to make a professional willing to collude with you. I have
Landslide looms. Let’s ride bikes!
them yourself. (Or know precisely which vendor flown and seen pets being imposed on honest
at a certain weekly flea market to ask for edibles, A passengers. I won’t be part of it. Same goes for
and precisely how to ask them.) ttorney General Jeff Sessions the actor’s face on them in various loca- those of you who try to scam landlords by claim-
You were never able to predict just how high a announced he was rolling back a tions around Tacoma. • A new trend in ing you need Fluffy or Fido in a pet-free building
pot cookie or brownie might get you. The unpre- federal guideline that protected home decor has emerged: People are now because you need the emotional support. Your
dictability of homemade pot edibles from batch marijuana growers and sellers shelving their books with the pages facing butterfly constitution does not trump the rights
to batch didn’t bother me—I liked having to let go in states that have legalized pot. outward, likely because they’re losing their of your seatmates or neighbors who did not sign
and let pot—but complaints were common. The news set off a flurry of anti-Trump goddamned minds. • Dozens of Yakima up for your spurious claim. ANONYMOUS
Well, not anymore. The pot cookies we eat statements from local offi cials, including Valley residents have evacuated an area
now—the ones we buy in stores—have precise Mayor Jenny Durkan, who called it “a under Rattlesnake Ridge after geologists SOMETHING TO GET OFF YOUR CHEST?
E-mail 200 words or less to [email protected]
and predictable amounts of THC. misguided legal overreach and an attack on warned that a fi ssure could soon cause a
How do they do it? Seattle.” No word yet on freeing everyone landslide. • State senator Doug Ericksen,
“We extract the THC from the cannabis plant in Washington currently in jail on mari- a Republican climate skeptic from Bell-
CONJUGAL VISIT
and then take the oil to a lab for testing,” said juana charges. • Seattle ingham, batted away
Jody Hall, founder of pot edibles baking com- congresswoman Pramila rumors that he planned to
pany the Goodship. “They evaluate it and tell us Jayapal cosponsored a bill accept a gig in the Trump
just how much THC is in it. Then we do math!” to end federal marijuana administration’s Environ- She was a rich kid home for the holidays. I was a
Once Hall knows how much THC is in a batch prohibition. • On January mental Protection Agency. poor kid home for the holidays. We met on Tinder.
of pot oil, Goodship bakers can determine—using 3, a 3.9 earthquake and He’s since announced a I was staying at my broke mom’s place; she was
that math stuff—just how much oil to add to a dozens of aftershocks near run for reelection, appar- staying at her rich dad’s place. We met up at
batch. Mount St. Helens were felt ently content with just Ozzie’s. We had a
“If we’re making a batch of 1,000 cookies as far away as Portland killing the environment lot in common—
that are supposed to have 10 milligrams of THC and Tacoma. In Seattle, in Washington State actually, we didn’t
in them, we’ll need to put in 10,000 milligrams have much in
there were also reports of for another four years. •
of THC total,” said Hall. “That’s why we have to common besides
the ground shaking, but it LimeBike announced that
know the exact amount of THC in the oil.” the fact that we’d
turned out to be mobs of it will debut 300 to 500
And after those 1,000 cookies come out of YANA PASKOVA/GETTY IMAGES both been dumped
the oven, a sample from the batch is sent back distraught stoners running Failure. electric-powered bikes right before the
to stock up on weed. • On around the city by the end
to the lab. holidays and
January 8, Jeff Bezos became the richest of the month. Each bike can reach speeds
“If something is labeled as having 10 neither of us had a
person ever. At press time, Bezos was worth of up to 15 miles per hour. • Tim Eyman
milligrams of THC, the FDA would say you can place to go. She got
$110 billion, according to the Bloomberg failed to get the signatures necessary for an
be plus or minus 20 percent, because baking is us a hotel room.
Billionaires Index. Utter fucking failure initiative that would have siphoned money
not an exact science,” said Hall. “Legally, there’s JOHNNY SAMPSON The sex was good,
Bill Gates was second on the list at a mere from light-rail projects in the Puget Sound
some allowable variation. But if the batch isn’t but she started to
$93.8 billion. • A report from the King area. Democrats in the state legislature
right on target, we trash it. We want you to have cry afterward—the guy who’d dumped her was her
County medical examiner found that 144 picked up where Eyman left off and prom-
the same experience each time you use our fi ancé, and I was the fi rst guy she slept with since
people believed to be homeless died in King ised to adjust car-tab fees during the new
product. We’re here to get rid of ‘edible roulette.’” the breakup. She got dressed and wanted to leave.
County in 2017. • At Internet Intimacy, a legislative session. That move could cost
Does Hall ever miss the unpredictable pot I thought I’d spend the night in the room, since it
edibles of old? private booth installed at Mount Analogue Sound Transit between $780 million and was paid for, but she insisted I leave too. She trust-
“There was a romance to it,” said Hall. “We’ve for Pioneer Square’s First Thursday art $2 billion. • On January 4 at Central Cine- ed me so far as sex was concerned, but she didn’t
all had that experience where you have a tiny walk, participants anonymously blogged ma’s excellent monthly Central Comedy trust me not to run up a room-service bill on her
bite and you’re like: ‘Holy crap! I’m glad I didn’t confessions as an experiment in public show, Portland comic Adam Pasi kept credit card. I texted her the next day to say thanks
eat the whole cookie!’ ” soul cleansing. Highlight: “I wish there the crowd laughing as he revealed count- and wish her well. She sent me a smiley-face
The Goodship just won the Dope Cup for best was a cock in my mouth most of the time.” less hilarious nuances within his Samoan emoji and then blocked me. “MARSHAL,” AGE 31
edibles in Washington State. Check ’em out at Lowlight: “3.5 years later and I still read heritage and rotund physique (spoiler alert:
thegoodship.com. DAN SAVAGE their journal to see if they’re planning to everyone thinks all Samoans are bouncers). HAD A MEMORABLE SEXUAL ENCOUNTER?
E-mail 200 words or less to [email protected]
leave me.” • Local Danny DeVito devo- He has the potential to become the Pacifi c
(We’ll preserve your anonymity, of course.)
* Weed: The User’s Guide by David Schmader. tees hid dozens of eggs with stickers of Islander Patton Oswalt. ■
8 JANUARY 17, 2018 THE STRANGER
THE STRANGER JANUARY 17, 2018 9
High-Brr-Nation
The Stranger’s guide to surviving winter with weed.
I
t’s that time of year again—the dark time, the wet time, the you at the border if a drug-sniffing dog IDs your vehicle? Katie Herzog
why-do-I-live-here time. You live here because Seattle is the learned the hard way, by taking a trip with a whole bunch of weed in
Amsterdam of the United States. Sure, the city has amaz- her car. Read more about her misadventure on page 11.
ing culture, fine dining, world-famous music, jagged If you prefer to snooze the gloom away, Lester Black
horizons, and greenery—but it’s the greenery you has been looking into the science of smoking weed
can smoke legally that sets this city apart. Cannabis and sleep. Why don’t stoners remember their
can make the creepy gloom of our wintertime me- dreams? Do stoners even have dreams? He
tropolis magical. asked some scientists these questions. Their
Have you ever gotten super blazed and just answers are on page 19.
gone for a long walk? That’s what Chase Burns Since this is the season of staying home
does a lot this time of year. He describes this very and slowly fusing yourself to your couch,
DIY depression remedy (and some of the weird we’ve provided activities, too: an adult-
stuff he’s found on the street lately) on page 15. coloring-book-style cover (it’s also a contest
If you’re looking for a winter sport but don’t with prizes!), and a hidden pictures game
like the idea of barreling down a mountain as fast (high-lights for adults, get it?) on page 13.
as gravity will take you, have you considered snow- Of course, the best way to cure the monocloud
shoeing? Amber Cortes has some pointers for potheads blues is to go out into the city—to see a concert,
in particular on page 16. to eat some dumplings, to see something on the big
Sometimes the key to being happy in Seattle is getting the hell out— screen. The staff of The Stranger has combed through the
and there’s an international border two-and-a-half hours away. May- winter calendar and found a few things we think would be greatly
be you feel like skipping the country for a weekend? Are you aware of enhanced by being high as balls. Our winter High List is on page 20.
how beautiful Canada is? Have you ever wondered what happens to CHRISTOPHER FRIZZELLE
160 N. Canal St. 
Seattle, WA 98103
206-634-3727
[email protected]
Tropical
& Exotic
Houseplants
Lighting for
Plants &
People
Open 10-6 This product has intoxicating effects and may be habit form-
ing. Marijuana can impair concentration, coordination, and
judgement. Do not operate a vehicle or machinery under
indoorsun.com the influence of this drug. There may be health risks associ-
ated with consumption of this product. For use only by adults
twenty-one and older. Keep out of the reach of children.
This product may be unlawful outside Washington State.
10 JANUARY 17, 2018 THE STRANGER