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THE SOUL WORK OF GRIEF A THESIS-PROJECT SUBMITTED TO THE FACULTY OF GORDON-CONWELL THEOLOGICAL SEMINARY IN PARTIAL FULFILLMENT OF REQUIREMENTS FOR THE DEGREE DOCTOR OF MINISTRY BY JACQUELIN ANNE EVERETT GATLIFF MAY 2017 Copyright © 2017 by Jacquelin Anne Everett Gatliff. All Rights Reserved. To Mike, Beloved and Friend and To Gretchen, See you there Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live, and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die. Do you believe this?” —John 11:25-26 CONTENTS LIST OF FIGURES ......................................................................................................vi ACKNOWLEDGMENTS ............................................................................................vii ABSTRACT ..................................................................................................................ix Chapter 1. THE SOUL WORK OF GRIEF ..................................................................1 2. THEOLOGICAL FRAMEWORK ..............................................................27 3. LITERATURE REVIEW ............................................................................58 4. METHODOLGY AND RESEARCH DESIGN ..........................................82 5. RESULTS AND CONCLUSIONS..............................................................96 Appendix A. INVITATION LETTER .............................................................................117 B. INFORMED CONSENT DOCUMENT .....................................................118 C. PRE-PROJECT SURVEY ..........................................................................121 D. POST-PROJECT SURVEY ........................................................................126 E. THE SOUL WORK OF GRIEF FOCUS GROUP MATERIAL ................130 F. THE EXPERIENCE OF GRIEF CHART ...................................................169 G. PARTICIPANTS AND RESPONSE SHEETS ...........................................170 H. SERMON SERIES .......................................................................................185 BIBLIOGRAPHY .........................................................................................................195 VITA ...........................................................................................................................200 v FIGURES A. Research Participants ...............................................................................................89 B. The Experience of Grief ...........................................................................................92 vi ACKNOWLEDGMENTS This project is a small reflection of the hundreds of conversations that I have had with men and women who have experienced suffering and grief after the death of one they have loved. It has been a privilege to journey with many beyond those initial conversations. I have learned much from each of them that has guided me in my own experiences of grief. I am grateful for the way that the life of Gretchen Hills intersected with mine for only a few short years. Her courage and tenacity in fighting her cancer while holding firmly to the hope of eternal life with the God she loved deeply is a model for every Christ-follower. The memories of certain conversations, important moments and joyful adventures shared with her until the day of her death will guide me the rest of my days on earth. Stacey Laho has been and will continue to be a friend who shares with me the vision of guiding others to grieve fully so that they may know the reality of God’s presence and care in their experience of grief. I am thankful to her for inviting me into her life after the death of her son, Kodey. I remain in awe of her willingness and courage to allow God to meet her in her deep sorrow. Being able to witness first hand the soul work of grief in her life has shaped my understanding of the real hope that God pours into us as we grieve. I am humbled by the eagerness of the men and women from Stanwich Church who participated and shared their experiences of grief with one another during the focus group for this project. Each confirmed for me the importance and value of exploring and speaking about those things that many want to push through quickly with a loving and vii caring community. The bond that is shared among those who grieve is one to be greatly cherished as it encourages each towards new life. My husband, Mike, is God’s gift to me in too many ways to express. Mike’s patience, understanding and support as I pursued this course of study made the completion of this project possible. I know of no other individual who is able to quickly discern and step into what God is doing in the soul of another than Mike. I am grateful for the way he makes me attentive to God’s work in my own soul. Soli Deo Gloria viii ABSTRACT The purpose of this thesis-project was to explore the ways the experience of grief shapes us to be spiritually formed as God uses grief to reveal who He is and to shape us in the image of His Son. I explored the biblical and theological foundation that allows us to declare that God is with us in our grief and guides us through our experience for our good and his glory. I observed contemporary grief theory in order to see how such research can affirm the biblical revelation and guide ministry leaders in providing effective pastoral care for the experience of grief. Material was developed for use in a focus group of ten men and women that served to educate about the experience of grief; to understand and experience the ways that God meets us in our journey of grief and to explore a variety of spiritual disciplines that can guide us in our grief. I conclude with recommendations for effective grief ministry through the local church. ix CHAPTER ONE THE SOUL WORK OF GRIEF Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. —Matthew 5.4 The valley of suffering is the vale of soul-making. —Nicholas Wolterstorff, Lament for a Son The intensity of the season that was filled with multiple deaths and grief would only be understood in hindsight. The measurement of time from the first death until the fourth was twenty-seven months. But the grief preceding the anticipation of death, the experience of each death and the grief that followed could not be measured in a linear manner. The season was to be one of soul examining and faith affirming as the truth of God’s promises and presence were questioned and challenged in ways that had never been previously experienced. Would God really be present in the darkness of death and grief? Would His promises of comfort hold fast and true? Is God really present in the midst of pain and suffering? The email came from Gretchen three weeks before she and her family would return from Istanbul from their leave from the mission field. A lump had been found and the Turkish doctor had quickly affirmed that the treatment of the diagnosis exceeded his expertise. A 3 1/2 year journey through cancer wound its way to a final shared phone conversation that acknowledged her quickly approaching death and her declaration that “the peace finally came, it did, and it’s awesome. You just wait.” Less than twenty-four hours later Gretchen had died. Four days earlier, Jeff and Stacy, the parents of Kodey, a healthy, vibrant, twelve-year-old-boy known from Ward Church (Evangelical Presbyterian Church) made 1