The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert

277 Pages·1999·1.39 MB·English

by  Gottman John

Seven principles For making marriage work
By John M. Gottman, Ph.D, and Nan Silver
CROWN PUBLISHERS, INC.
NEW YORK

The anecdotes in this book are based on Dr. Gottman's research. Some
of the couples are composites of those who volunteered to take part in
his studies. In all cases, names and identifying information have been
changed. Grateful acknowledgment is made for permission to reprint
from After the Honeymoon
To Julie Gottman, who gives collaboration a new meaning, and to the
core of my team: Sybil Carr ere, Sharon Fentiman, and Cathryn Swan
son. They made it all possible and helped make the journey itself
delightful, like eating pastries and drinking coffee together in a
sidewalk cafe.
J.G.

To Arthur, my beloved and my friend
N. S.
Acknowledgments

First and foremost, I need to acknowledge the brave gift that several
thousand volunteer research couples have contributed to my
understanding. Their willingness to reveal the most private aspects of
their personal lives has opened a hitherto closed door that has made it
possible to construct these Seven Principles for making marriages
work.
This book was based on research that received continuous
support from the National Institute of Mental Health, the Behavioral
Science Research Branch. Of great assistance was the dedicated
guidance of Molly Olive ri, Delia Hahn, and Joy Schulterbrandt.
This book was also made possible by a number of important
collaborations that have been a joyful part of my life. These include
the main collaboration that has graced my life for the past nineteen
years with Professor Robert Levenson of the University of California.
Also important to me has been my collaboration with NeilJacob
son of the University of Washington and my work with Dr. Laura
Carstensen of Stanford University I have been blessed with rich
associations inside my laboratory.
The cornerstones have been Sharon Fentiman, whose elegance
greatly improves my life and keeps me from chaos; Dr. Sybil Cart ere,
who runs my lab and is a terrific colleague; and Cathryn Swan son,
my programmer and data analyst. Not only are they friends and
intellectual companions, but they help make coming to work a
pleasant experience. I also wish to acknowledge the contributions and
stimulation of Lynn Katz.
My wife, Julie Schwartz Gottman, provided love, friendship,
motivation, intellectual camaraderie, support, and conceptual
organization. She has also been my teacher and guide in practicing
psychotherapy. She made doing the couples' and parents' workshops
an exciting creative experience. While we are busy with our full-time
jobs, Etana Dykan capably runs our Seattle Marital and Family
Institute with great spirit and attention to detail, and she also helps
facilitate our communication. Her amazingly creative brother, Shai
Steinberg, has also been a tremendous asset in many areas of our
work. Linda Wright helps us keep the couples' enterprise very warm
and human--she is unusually gifted in talking to desperate couples.
Peter Langsam has been our faithful consultant and partner
throughout, helping us with wise counsel, elemental guidance, and
business sense.
I have recently been blessed with excellent students and staff,
including Kim Buehlman, Jim Coan, Melissa Hawkins, Carole
Hooven, Vanessa Kahen, Lynn Katz, Michael Lorber, Kim McCoy,
Janni Morford, Sonny Ruckstahl, Regina Rushe, Kimberly Ryan,
Alyson Shapiro, Tim Stickle, and Beverly Wilson.
I need to acknowledge the intellectual heritage upon which I
draw. As Newton once wrote, "If I have seen further ... it is by
standing upon the shoulders of giants." For me these shoulders
include the work of Les Green berg and Susan Johnson on
emotionally focused marital therapy; Bob Weiss's scholarly work on
many concepts, including sentiment overrides; Cliff Notarius's work
on many concepts, including couple efficacy; Howard Mark man's
faith in preventive intervention; Dick Stuart's great contributions,
including his approach to behavior exchange; Jerry Lewis's work
focusing on the balance of autonomy and connectedness in marriage;
and the persistent work of my colleague Neil Jacob son, who is the
gold standard for marital therapy research. I am also indebted to
Jacob son's recent work with Andy Christensen, on acceptance in
marital therapy I also wish to acknowledge the contributions of Peggy
Papp and Pepper Schwartz and their feminist approach to gender
differences and egalitarian marriage, as well as the work of Ronald
Levant and Alan Booth on men in families.
I must also mention Clan Wile's work on marital therapy, with
its superb focus on process. I love Wile's writing and thinking. They
are entirely consistent with many of my research findings. I think that
Wile is a genius and the greatest living marital therapist. I am blessed
to have been able to exchange ideas with him.
I wish to acknowledge the work of Irvin Yalom and Victor
Frankl on existential psychotherapy. Yalom has provided a great faith
in the therapeutic process itself and in the human force toward
growth. Frankl holds a special place in my heart. He and my beloved
cousin Kurt Ladner were both residents and survivors of the Dachau
concentration camp. Both found meaning in the context of intense
suffering, tyranny, and dehumanization. I hope to bring their
existential search for meaning into the marital context. Doing so can
turn conflict into a new experience of revealing and honoring life
dreams, finding shared meaning, and reaffirming the marital
friendship.
I have come to the conclusion that many insightful writers in
the marital field are basically correct. I hope my contribution will be
to honor them all, adding a bit of precision and integration to the
struggle to understand what makes close relationships work.
J.G.

Contents

…………………...1
1 Inside the Seatle Love Lab: The Truth about Happy Marriages
...................................................................................................... 25
2 How I Predict Divorce
....................................................................... 47
3 Principle 1: Enhance Your Love Maps
..................................... 61
4 Principle 2: Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration
.................................... 79
5 Principle 3: Turn toward Each Other Instead of Away
......................................................... 99
6 Principle 4: Let Your Partner Influence You
.......................................................................... 129
7 The Two Kinds of Maritial Conflict
............................................................ 157
8 Principle 5: Solve Your Solvable Problems
.................................................................. 187
9 Coping with Typical Solvable Problems
................................................................................ 217
10 Principle 6: Overcome Gridlock
........................................................................ 243
11 Principle 7: Create Shared Meaning
...................................................................................................... 259
Afterword: What Now?

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