The Nuts & Bolts of College Writing - Amherst College

40 Pages·2011·1.2 MB·English

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Cotentsii Intrioocnluct Concision ThePompousStyleatSchool Clarity 1.ChooseVerbosverNominalizations2.ChooseActiveVerbosverLinkingVerbs3.ChoosetheActiveVoiceoverthePassiveClarityandHonesty Flow 1.UseConsistentCharacters2.UsePronounsandOtherPointers3,UsePunchLines4.UseConjunctionsOtherandLinkingWor PunctuationCommasandCommaSplicesSemicolons Colons Dashes Parentheses Questions Gracefulness1.TheHistoricalPresent2.Appositives3.Parallelism4.Tricolon 5.Concession6.Qualification vii
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Therewasasociologistwhohadwripttaepnerausforraleladt—osome-thinghwerihttaednaheadoftsitamrte.edItoreadthedamnthing,andmyeyeswerecomingcouoludtn’Itmakeheadnortailit!foifguredIitwasbecauseIhadn’tanryeadtheobfooks[theonlistc.oInfehraedncelthisuneasyfeelingof“Fmnotadequate,”untilfinallyIsaidtomyself,“I’mgonnastop,andreadonesentenceslowly,soIcanfigureoutwhatthehellitmeans.”stoSpopedI—atrandom—andreadthenextsentenceverycarefully.Ican’trememberitprecisely,btititwasvelyclosetothis:“Theindividualmemberofthesocialcommunityoftenreceiveshisinformationviavisual,symbolicchannels.”wentIbackandforthoverit.andtranslated.Youknowwhatitmeans?“Peopleread.”ThenIwentoverthenextsentence,andrealizedItchoautldItranslatethatonealso.Thenitbecameakindofemptybusiness:“Sometimespeopleread;sometimespeoplelistentotheradio,”andsoon,butwritteninsuchafancywaythatIcouldn’tunderstanditatfirst,andwhen1finallydecipheredit,therewasnothingtoit. NobelPrize—winningphysicistRichardFeyninan,“SurelyYoureJoking,MrFeynman!“:AdventuresofaCuriousCharacter ModemEnglish,especiallywrittenEnglish,isfullofbadhabitswhichspreadbyimitationandwhichcanbeavoidedifoneiswillingtotakethenecessarytreuble.Ifonegetsridofthesehabitsonecanthinkmoreclearly. GeorgeOrwell,“PoliticsandtheEnglishLanguage” Forthepresent,however,youasstudeshnoulddevoteyonmelvestothepowerofsimpleexpressions,todoallthatcanbedoneandlearnhowmuchcanbesaidwiththesimplerandmorefundamentalterms. RobertHenri,TheAnSpirit
Introduction TinscanhelpwriteByoObuOettKercollegeessays.Itcombinesthemostimportantrulesandconventionsacawdorfeitimincgtherwuitdihmentsofgoodstyle.Naturallyhasititslimitationsg:eneritalis(withlittletoabsoautywritingindifferentdisciplinbeass)i,c(andmaybemosttousefulbeginningsctoulldeegnets),shoarntdco(vtehriunsgalotofgrqouuincdkly).Itisnotaboutcriticalthinkingifnoranmaylsense,andindeedtriestolaydownitsdo’sanddonw’telsl.asasownmyunauthorizedviewsonwriting,asinformallyaspossible.vieTwhse,sepersonalandperhapsidieovseynncratic,maybeitsbiggestlimitation.writinYgetisintensaenlypersonalactivityItstemsonlyrightcvennecessary,thatwritingadvicehaveapersonaltouchaswcll.ThecollegeessayplaysaspecialrolAemienricahnighereducation.TheAmericansystem.moreshiotghhearneducationinmostcounflies,encouragesstudent’asself-diredcetveedlopment.Writingessaysinwhichyouwhsaatyyouthinkandcwrhucyialisthatdetvoelopment.Writinganessaymeansworkingwithinfararimgeidworkofforanmdactsonventions,butitrequiresmuchmoretecthhnainque;inacollegeessay,thepersonalqualitiietssofauthor,passionateaswellasratiotnaakl,ecenterstage.Aneslisakey,apersonality,hangstogetherthrdoeuligchateabalanceofforces;itshouldbeclearbutnotempty,thoughtfduolwnb-tuto-earth,strong-mindedbutfair-minded.wriTtehremustbeadeptatmakingargumentsandsynthesizingaannaldyzingothers’huitdeoarsi,giannadlgoohdonest.Aessayissmallapieceone’sofbetterselfr—atmioorneal,mcorriteical,moreandcogentthaisnoneeveryidnayspeechoridlethoyuetght,alsomorespirited.Whenyouwriteanessayentyeroiuntothemostchallengingrewyaetrdingoftheliberalarts:shaypoiunrgideas,questioanns,dconvictionssharetwoithothers.Forallthat,anewsrsitatyenisonpapcearr,vendotstonei,nEssaysinare,rootthesensetheowford,triTeso.essayoriginallymeanttoattemptorputtotheteststil(landdoes,inassayandFrtehnechessayerT).heessayaslaitbeercaraymeformpopularthebeginninatgtmhoedernofscientificage,partofaseiscmiulctursalhiftawayfrom ix
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UsingSourcesWinningYourAudience’sTrusEWeavingSourcesintoYourProseQuotingEffectively ParagraphsTheFunctionofParagraphsOpeningSentencesDesigningParagraphsSections BeginningsandEndingsBeginningsEndingsLastThought Appendix:DocumentationandGeneticFormatsCMS,MLA,andAPAStyleGuideCitationandReferenceExamples WorksCited
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Introductionxi isalwshoatgivite,sespecialtloyleeaasrttssunedpoltyophonitys,chroelniucsivene(sCsGl.iefefrtorz.dLoKcnaolwledfguer:theErssaysInteirnpretiveAnthropology) doctrTihneeofPurgatwoeoarscyh,cauvpeiseedenp,laaceatctehnteerCohfristernitduoalmis’tzsreadtegiesfaofmiliarictoyan,tnadinment,control.Tshtresateegiesextendteopdtrehcceailsceultathioefonnumbermoafssesquorantityofalthmamstighrtebqeuiredreliatnitoontheprobabnluemberypeauorrfsgatoforsiuaflferin“g,accouanntintgheofhereafter”thatJacquCeshiffolerhaealtusahtteeodriseintlahteerMiddleAogfedsoublbeo-eonktkreyeping.3thBemsyeeansl,itvhinenoglongerneefdepetalroalyzedaawnnitdxiheutnycertainttyhienfaceofspectralvisitatio(nSst.ephGreenenblatt,HaPmulregtationsy) Confronteevderydaywsitunhceharlmyajestwircitinag,studeinstanxiouslyawoafrehloittwle,cobymparisosknh,neows,anhldoeswsimpressiveishoewrnwritinNg.owondetr,htehnaw,thetneamptationatpopearlearnseqduaresaofgfainsthaaboiftusipnlgaiEnnglish,temptationusuallwyins.Heifrnoers,tancsee,natiesncefraomstudent’sscholarship-appliceastsiaoyn: ReflectibnagckaprnodvidinginsigohntwhgataiInferdomfomuryyearsinstyhsteemh,oIpefullalylohawveedaplethoranecoowfnceptsandperheavepedsnucantieownal-adminipsthrilatoisvoesptuhriofeasce. Thistsudentistryifnugriouslwtryoitelsickheolaar.TphaessagesfroGemertazndGreenbluasttebwiogrsdesnsitblhaeys,bestwtaoyconveytahuethocrso’mpleaxndsharploybsarergvuemdenttsh;estudent’spassaugseesbigwormdesdrtreleosysuspiample—thsoeugnhsibleiannddepeodwerful—point.WhsyTt?huedaefrntaidishweillseesimmplemindeifdhesasyosmethpilanasignthaiss: InfmoyuryeofarshisgchhoI’olv,elearnealdbootuathsocwhoolswaonrtkIhowstudelnetasrn. Buttishissniotmplemindedalalt—irtastiihsmerp,lae,ndfamrorepowerfultthahnefvirerstsion(ognewtceepasttdhaeazlzloltfehosebwiogrds). aimTheofthbiosokiscotnovincyetohuatplaidinr,ecwtritiisngtmhoeseftfectivewayetxopreyssourideecaivosln,elnegPle.ainness
xIntroduction receivedwisdoanmdtowardinquiryandexploratio(n.Montaigne’scelebratedessays,genialandruminative,helpeestdablishthegenre’stoneintlahteterhaolffthe16thcentury.)Theessayfhlaosurishedeversince,asmaenndwomenhaveclaimedincreasinsgpacetthionkforthemselves,Essays,imbuedwiththespiritionfquiry,putideaansdassumptionstothetest,andiftheysometimesstumbleorequivocate,thatispartoftheirnature(SamuelJohnson’s18th-centurydictionarydefinedanessayas“aloosesallyofthemind;iarrnegularindigestedpiece”).Thewriterofanessayisakindofintellectualentrepreneur,takingarisktosaysomethingnew. Butcollegeessaysarewritteninanenvironmentinmawnayysillsuitedtorisktaking.Thesolemntrappingsofcollegeculture—degrees,grades,academictitles—canmakeitseemthfaotrmalityisthmeostimportantthingtoaiat.mIt’snaturalformanystudentstothinkthattheirgoalistolearnwhattheirprofessorsknow,orthinwkhattheirprofessorsthink.EveryareaofstudyfromanthropologytozoologyhasitsjargonandoitwsnOWnrualbesoutwthoatstudy,howtostuitd,yandhowtowriteupone’sideaansdexplorations.Andwhenstudentsstartreadiancgademicwritinwg,hattheytypicallysedeoesn’tseemtoincludemuchroomforrisktaking:formality,amoreseritoounsethanstudentsheanvecounteredbefore,andhard-wofanmiliaritywith“theliterature,”thatdauntingmountainofpublishedscholarshipineveryacademicdiscipline.Themostsuccessfulwritinginthisacademicenvironmentisdensewithlearning.Heretarweoexamplesofgoodwritingbyrespectedscholars.Bothexamplesdisplayfull-throatedacademicvoices,eachofthemastrikibnlgendofexpertscholarshipandsure-footedexpression: LikemsaonythoefkeyideasiWneber’ssociology—vers:ehen,lcgitimacy,innerworldlyasceticism,rationalization—theconceptofcharismasuffersfarnomuncertaintyreofferent:doesitdenoteculaturalphenomenonorapsychologicalone?Atonce“acertainqualittyha”tmarksanindividualasstandinginaprivilegedrelationshiptothesourcesbeoifngandahypnoticpower“certapienrsonalities”havetoengagepassioannsddominatemindiss,itclneoatrwhetchherarismatihsestatus,theexcitement,orsomeambiguousfusionoftthweo.TheattempttowriteasociologyofcultaurnedsocaialpsychologyinasinglesetofsentencesiswhatgivesWebweriot’rsskorchestralcomplexityahnardmonicdepth.Butit
IntroductionXIII soarmeeetmqohtourahaelnesrBtssooi?htpr’niahoretfsspheoerestmbaqsuiehcsootlfiawtorntnughttueehulaswlseegweeeeo—irtat,sohitdoebehwionIc“rldanPdanesosE.dtlsasinsihtgiacelcLyi,sasnhOgruwsaeaglpileod:lttlra’iaehhtniaenwndtcegosouufwlaadlgecbtehowhrgoieiitdicnhapenebsalroooyifypuoklteuetahmonoedws“pIwefaraintkde:scyyihhooEaemuunlrlpgleliifnsyghhi.ess”readwehre,sntiurtypsemsiotadumukaoepraihkdbvwiieitlyl.“.. eovuesy,notuors(e1lf91”6389,).uBnuftortsuanttwarth1eeeOtl9nrihy4hdewnisa0fesvallen,ythsitrnepg,nolgittihceIssn,wncssaetwoiehardwetano.ik,oaolmfdouhbAlapnleofsyl-iptdeiceacactikone.aorfsnnldoptraaetywhwyerobfUscatwoor“rlycidssuktqetluaieOiiarofrttnispuiswtku,neht”lgl(191E63n8r7p,)oco.scnhyt,ioelertlardrph9fosreo9fra0faustodre,fniluemdbinlfgiolnnyagntscoteilbriaaftslokecmufelsulmreents“speciaplurpeonstietwiaedossepll?sai’tetIcrtbtihaaetatrytoeaftgeyctohmepihtaisndpyelf(ssriacipiagolnenuheantdf,gkiualsnlegydanalsytmsoatsictsnaklyyedtlfaemhfbaeuuoeorrygu’mhttdehodefirjobTsa)ost.tdpoaeryalnckeetaayoarsmlnomimuanfonlsatanegredrebfplyaerxt,adtsecolfhfieeeaintrntdAtiosEnrf.nnfnorgreooryn,instafnecoenf,fdascacnpucaslrmhitiai:tesoosifcnnot1o’nnsductaunmaowfareteavihndayteanlttslchhueeeepgrwapeatoisrotsnimprseolmplbieey(rnmmgaCsbbnteeooNarhrnaisgeNroeodfrment”Ne2w0s0rv2o)e.orbmaviS,auautaggcloeuhemm,—aotsiwticanldlyy,evasive—chbvaaealrtselihenceitdanlOyilrgteas.wtdoehflel“inflsta(ty1le9ed1L”63aRl8i6n,a)ch.bth“aehaloremfistfd(i1999)cialpsotIymiclttpaelho?l’eusstyle.coOufrnsaoent,gdraolarluwnndnradicettlicieesenapgrot.riveMasgnrceyhaotllt1aihr8keste,Ghhi-Eibcdstebwonotarnir,uardnywprirtoesethactoipsmafadspaneclysledneametsxgAoaeer,nu.ssdlytGlhoieofkesreetzaGnqrdeueacoltnbpaeboroldisvtasetytewaseslslapnodadwisegrDniotngy.rewaopnnrdwdorrpicboteaieurlnnslyg,yeffectiBvuteg.ietnieutsrnhalndaltseotyrtcygaolrleslauedigtuseatestudenmtos.st,Faordsotpputlsairdbtaiiendirystlygnte,eaecrt,choiLcee.arwtnprolitaienlyy,wmlaoiilonuklrwcdeerlliteyaeasrlytakeyoudeoesnpuebbbrjaeeetcsntcttoedysrlmiesta.pTohempoudssetpymelrueaacsflcfnotloiIditnteaosasklensil.fzesinlatnhsegcoiufeahngcoeep,isontcsobiagtjenoeekonfancestiefictciraveintddiybpiolNlioitoifcyfwnf.eisoorcetrueeavlrpen,drocret,,
xuIntroduction makesiteasiertospotyourargumentandhardertohidbeehindwords.ButsimplicityisnneotcessarilyIndeeaesdy,.thisbookcowimllplicatewritfionrgyboyusuggesatingnumberofthingstthoinkabouytaosuwrite.ButtheeffortwillbeworthwhileM.asteringaplain,clearstyleisanindispensablsetepinone’seducation.You’renotincollegeitomitatetheeruditionofyourprofessorsoreventolearntheiropinions,buttodevelopyourcapacityforindependecrnitticalthinkingandjudgment.Asyoulearnmoreyou’llfindyourselfwithmoretosaay,ndyou’llmakeincreasinglysophisticatedandnuancedargumentsa—lbwuatysbuildingonafoundationofcelxeparression.Learningtodistinguishbetweenclearaunndclearwritingwillalsohelpyouunderstandwhatyouread,bothincollegeandelsewhere.Professionalwriting—memos,contracts,publicdocuments,andthelike—oftenseemsintendedtoimpederatherthanpromoteunderstanding.(“Amemorandum,”forSmeercretaryofStateDeanAchesononceobserved.“iswrittenniontftoormthereaderbuttoprotectthewriter.”)Nowadayscoampanyislikelytocalllosas“negativeearnings”;boldercompaniesissue“proforma”financialstatements,alittleLatinphrasethatineffectletsthemmakeuptheirownrulesaboutwhathaonwdctoountfinancialresults.Butdeceptivelanguageisnotlimitedtothecommercialsphere.Publicbroadcastingstations,coofurse,can’thaveads;instead,“enhanceudnderwriting”lets“underwriters”(notadvertisers)buayirtimeonPBSshows.exApneriencedpoliticalfilgiukreeFCehdairmanAlanGreenspan.whoseslightestwordcanmovemarkets,isfamousforhisopaqueandDelphicstyle(afterthGereekoraclewphroesdeictionswereoftenconvenientlyambiguousC).hainnanGreenspanwouldnevercallarecessionarecession;theclosesthewouldcomewouldabeblurprhyraselike“significantcyclicaladjustment.”GeorgeOrwell,theEnglishnovelistandessayist,saidalmostsixtyyearsagothatinsincerelanguagweastchuerseofthemodemage.Politicians,Orwellsaid,fearedstpoeaktheblunttruthtocitizens,whileevenindemocraciescitizensfailedtodematnrduthfromtlehaeidrers.Orwell’swordforduplicitouslanguagehasenteredEtnhgelishlanguage:“doublespeak.”InOrwell’sgreatnov1el984thepropagandaministry—inchargeofallthegovernment’slying—iscalledtheMinisotfryTruth.hIinsallegoryAnimalFarmaannimalparadiseturnsintoadictatorshipasthecleverestanimals,thepitgas,keover,justifyingtheirpowergrabwithimmaonrtalformulation:“Allanimalseqarueal—but
Introductionxv sIcnhdoeooele.uddirunsctaittiuosticnoahlnomsolusc—ha—hdeom.encttoohbuieCrslaihieglfe.drleetranoersaanhndwrodpirltta,einsentencesS—rp”uogStrnoe”weoble—dtagweihnrrneidttnieofas“ObSsperottivhprenreuoncwnoesiefsronsegima”enmhporowvemetnth.etBiythmaereyricatvoralelelvemafeglloroes,eritnmalityiatnosdfelfasthewmgroaiofrtoikadAnlnbngdya.rdtlhgeeeayrtnowrliitekGeeEsloeirlofgt-e’ismmapnorobBtfuoasrinttnhersosp,tTarluk“emTdb:hiulnln,gesvbeerTgrwaiuMtnrt.hhmaeblyuwlla:yscommenced.”ThBeorTtrhuromtpbhiouswsfllousrclacndse,dtstuishncfekuilrbweamyasyl,ocsaatuse.ButtihfepnoalIlg’geotsormtwiyointnoggchaynoguermliaetnadas,tb,touahsunatedebwuorsfEietntgelnish.bTohoikswhielylldopeuvscelooaloulpnewdsgtreisytatliyenl,getchaotmbitehneseseselanetcimaaelcdofneotnsmviewcicntltiheaornexprIswtehiosllswioynh.ootmwuoyaokwceurlriemtoiarraennegdrprecibdseyevelowstphaiyolhnseagellawaprlecomtraaiirdvnsk,esavuenrndbcls,usttyeWnrtebe’aeldlxg.iwnicatconlhndarciitsiy,onemphtiashimezpionrtgavnToechfrweebenc’s.lolhngosiiwvedteorwristeiafnnlosofgew,hptoeoufwfnectcathutinoaovtdmweealkye,wyriotuirnmgogrreacNceefoxtucnli.haseasoputoretncrIhenes,fitnawclohawpte’elmrlolsasvtrergtueocretluweirtamlhents,thoupgoanhrtasatgbhrneeadgpihansennniddnietgsohnAsefstgasys.theerne’dsaapnpceonddomionxccmiufotaaonntmrideomntnats(CMMS,LanAAd,PA),bouumtrasaiihnclomihsaowriiwytnoyguplaaindnnessmcaaknebyeatotauenwrdrtictalheiLeertna’rskeerr.combemgeinn.ce
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xivintroduction “1puthiminhaeadlock.”insteadhewouldsay,“Tshuespectwasrestrained.”govAernmentagencyliketheFishandWildliSfeervicepreferstcheoolter“tamkingt”oplainlysayingtshaotmeanimalsdieasaresultofitspolicies;andpirtefersthetechnicalsoundof“lethalcontrol”tothebluntnessof“sometimeswehavetogooutandshootwolvesthatarekillinglivestock.”Death,especiallythekillinghoufmanbeings,tendstobringforththemoststrenuousapplicationsoftphoempousstyle.pAoliticiananswersaccusationosflong-agowarcrimeswhenhewasasoldierwiththeblandstatementthattheplatoonhel“eudsedlethmaelthods”(notonlyisthpehrasingantiseptic;itevadesthqeuestionofwhowaskilled).AAnmericanmilitaryofficial,respondingtcooncernaboutciviliandeathsfromNATbOombinginKosovoin1999,respondsasinertlyaspossible:“thecollateraldamagewhichhasbeendonebyNATOisatanabsoluteminimum,andwetakegreatcareinbothtargetingandintermsoftahepplicationoffirepoweretnosurethatcollateraldamadgoeesnotoccur”(“Pentagonbriefing,”1999).Thestatementwasnotaliebutapracticeduseogfeneralitiesandabstractionsintendedtoleadthelistenerm’isndawayfromthespecificandconcrete—men,women,andchildrenkilledbyerrantNATObombs.AsOrwellpointedoutmorethanhaalf-centuryago,thisisthechiefeducatedidiomofourtime:“Thewholetendencyofmodernproseisawayfrom.concreteness(”1968,133),Thetendencytowardabstractiorneacheseverycornerofsociety,butisespeciallycommoninpublicandacademicsettings.Allofusshiftdiscursivestyleswhenwemovefromprivatetopublicsettings—thenexttimeyouseeordinarypeopleinterviewedToVnaftseormethingnewsworthyhashappenedinthneierighborhoodl,istentotheformalandstiltedwaymostofthemspeakinfrontofthecamera.Suddenshiftsbetweenthepompousandplainstylescanmakeussmile,aswhenaTVannouncerexplainedwhyfoaotballplayerhadbeenthrownoutaofgame:“JayLeeuwenbergwastrehceipientofhisanger.Thatmeansthat’stheguyhkeicked.”Tobesure,variousdegreesofformalityareappropriatienvariouskindsofacademicwriting,andith’sardtowritei(nordeedthinakb)outideaswithoutusingabstractions.Butnoneoftrhiesquirespomposity.Soaccustomeadrewetothepompousstyleastvheoiceofauthoritythatstudentscan’tbeblamedforthinkingittwhaeytheyshoulwdritein
IConcision CONCISION,leannessofwords,isanaturalplacetobeginbecausewordinessissocommoninstudentwritingandbecauselosing(unlikeweight)beingconciseisn’treallysohard.Itusuallyworksbyprocessofelimination:wewatchwhatwesay,askourselveswhetherwhatwe’vesaidisessentialtowhatwemean,eliminatewhatisn’t.Therealandworkisoftenfiguringoutwhatexactlywewantedtosayinthefirstplace.Buttryingtobeconcisehelpswiththattoo—byhelpingusseewhatwedon’tmean.Concisioncanaddremarkablegracetoourprose.ftalsomakesourproseeasiertoreadandunderstand.Yetmanyofusareafraidofwritingconciselybecausedoingsocanmakeusfeelexposed.Concisionleavesusfewerwordstohidebehind.Ourinsightsandideasmightappearpunystrippedofthoseinessentialphrases,sentencesinwords,andwhichweroughthemout.Wecutoutmightevenwonder,werewetothefat,wouldanythingbeleft?It’sstudentsnowonder,then,thatmanymakelittleattempttobeconcise—may,infact,outoftheirwaynotgotobe—andoftensocouplethisstrategymistaken.withastylejustasThoughyoucancertainlybewordywithoutpompously—andwritingtheotherwayaround—thetwousdirlgohandinhandoftenthatit’ssotoconsidertogether,themHere’showlotshavetoofstudentsthinktheywriteincollege: Prosperofacediswiththenecessityofacceptfordecidingwhethertogivenessfortheactionsofhisbrotherorremaininhostility.astateof Itisevidentthatinterpersonalconflictorganizaisresponsibleformanytionalproblemsexperiencedbybusinesses. roleTheofwomeninhouseholdsacrossinmedievalEuropewasarrayedanumberofpossibilitiesofincreasingordecreasingactivityandindependence,dependingonvariablessuchasstatus,wealth,religion,orregion. That’sthecollegiatepompousaction:bigwords,self-importantstyleinphrasing,aflattone,longgalore,gobsofprepositionalphrases,nounsandabuseofthepassivevoice—allupflagtoseeiftheofitthepoletimpowersthatbewillsalute.
Concision3 bemaodfetehnetitioefsthepressyestntewmshichwibellmodorifiedeliznin(82ateiwords) passagedTishipslaytsshaemefaualtssthelegsawelrnitteerncIet.stcoonvteryiesimportaibpntrycsesetteantmipoiunsgovewrordsallitpilingandtohneverbiageB.utpassatlghuleetlshereatdoesrleaenpddefeatthsusthepoionftwritiinngthefirsptlaycBieoe.llddspruningcoretmhiesaning: Maketodocsuuralmelentchapnlagensnedymoiusmtaakkeeasnysocabencorrected.(t5words) Another8pe0rcernetductioinnlengAtshw.itthhesentelnecgea,lrevisionthemasyounldesismtphoa(rtttahmmnoiatsuktgeahkesyoumightcatchattentiotnheofthopsreografmutmeuwrrhsehootlhdeofcomptahneyitnheirhands).hasBauittshrleodstnmoetaningo.f(Thmaitghtbeeasietroseewekeepmitnhdatitifnhiisnstructionwoouclcdurtheinconteaoxftwiddiesrccousmsipoouftnerthesystemandplanncehdanges.)notsuryeotuh’reriefevisiirsoeanllyanimprovement,considwehratwoulldbiekiettreoatdhroupgahgeafterofpagetohrieginal.You’tdosleeNpo.cgowonductsametthhoeught-experimewintththerevisiona,skyouvresraesnlifdownhichyou’dratherread. ThePompousStyleatSchool Collegestudentsbegiintnhtetirhraeipnoinmgpstoyulseinnocentlyenough,witshentencesliktehis: Tosatisfhyungehrerfornutrishetioaten,tbhreead. Onceyou’vedecidteodwriteaformitalnonstei,ltedphraslieskehungferornutritionariseautoamlatmiBcouastltlsy,etnotneencte’hseisjusttooweightyiftosrmessageS.implifymiankgessentetnhceeshortearndstronger: Shewahsungry,sosheatethebread.
2 Thepompousstylespreadslikecrabgrass,andcanbeasbardtorootout.Here’salegalsentencecraftedinclassicpompousstyle,fromMaryland’sAnnotatedCodeofLaws: AnyInvestigation,inquiry,hearing,orexaminationwhichtheBoardisempoweredbylawtoholdorundertakmeaybehelodrundertakenorbybeforethemajorityofthemembersoftheBoardoritssecretary,andthefindingororderofmembersoftheBoardortherepresentative,whencon-conedinbythemajontyofthemembersoftheBoard,shallhavethesameforceandeffethectasfindingororderofthewholeBoari(Article56,Section497).(77words) Thissentenceisaparadeoflegalese.Andevenifwedon’tunderstandit,itsgassinessisalmostreassuring—thiswhaitswe’vecometoexpect“thelaw”tosoundandfeellike.Buthere’sthesamecode,revisedwhentsthaete,inatemporaryfitofsanity,decidedtomakeitslawsintelligibletoordinarypeople(Hackett198Bi9,): AmajoritytohfemembersthenservingontBhoeardisaquorum.(13words) Theresultisan83percentreductioninlength.tItookcouragetogetridofthosetwenty-dollarwordslikeempowered,finding,andconcurred,Butnowwehaveasentencethatismucheasiertoread.Itsoundsstrangetous,perhaps—aren’tlawssupposedtosoundlike,well,laws?Butoneifimaginesthethousandsloafws,thebouokponbookloefgalcode,thatcouldbesimplifiedandcompressed,oneislikelytoagreethatfromacitizen’sperspectivethisisavastimprovement.(Itisnotincidentalthatthemostenduringlawsi.nWesternculture,theTenCommandments,areexpressedinasuccinct,lapidarystyle.)Here’sanotherexample,fromadifferentprofessionalsettingbutwithlneosspomposity.Thisisatechnicalmanualforprogrammersrevistngacorporatecomputersystem: Toensurethatthenewsystembeingdeveloped,ortheexistingsystembeingmodified,willprovideuserswiththetimely,accurate,andcompleteinformationtheyrequiretoproperlyperformtheirfunctionsandresponsibilities,itisnecessarytoassurethatthenewormodifiedsystweillmcoverallnecessaryaspectsofthepresentautomatedormanualsystemsbeingreplace*ITogainthisassurance,itisessentialthatdocumentation
ConcisionS nounss;omeadvebrhebaesvnecutr;weophreadtisvteiveandphrasessqueebzeeedntogettrhiecrkwsliitkheparallealinsdm;difficqulutaotationbeephnarasaphrased.Thesestructurcalhangheasvemovedthewritingawayfromthepompoustsyletocwaoranadcnivsdime,ogroerverb-cenotuesr,edstyle.Laterwel’lolokcloseratsoomfethesetechnlieqt’uFseosrn.ow,focusontghaeinianngdconsfkiidlletenocmeppltuycmkooduitfiers.pompTohuesstylepreferdsescriptioovneractiosn,oibtristlewsithadjectivaensdadverbs.usefuslteipAnunlearnitnhegpoismpousstyletohufntormodilfiittelresnothitnhg:aoatrdd OriginalRevision WomenheliadnmportapnltaceWiommhpeeonlrtdaantnplaceinsocialsociety.isnociety. CapitaliissmaccompCaanipietdaliissmabcycompbayniedtheforfeieddeoalmastheideacloofmefreedom.tothingbeattained. Anidealis,bydefinitiosno,methitnogbeattained.BustometimessatudentresistcswutotridnesbgemcpatuysetheyseemtoaddimportainntformaytiotouhnWi.fhnoakltladobotowhuteingcut? Revision FromapoliticalinstitutiTohnealPapFeerdsweetrrhaeleistofi’itehu’e,FederalistpoifnotrfirmsfutlulaltoifofnederalwetrPheaepersfirstformufulilsamstaheory.lationfoefderalismtheoryaa.s Political-institutionalkindicslatphteraptohfatmaketshepompoussotemstptyilenfgorinexperienscoeudwnridtwseeIritsg.htyaddsbutnothing.“pointTheofview,”whattehhvearietrse,ombevainosusfromcontetnhteofthesentence—espeifcialwleryemembtehratthissentencewilblereadincopnatretxt,itsanaesxploorfatoifontopic.theMotheerxample: OriginalRevision ThesearethepracticcoalntinpTrhaaecrsteitechaelimplicageney-manftgementimplications:tions:
4I Inthefollowinginstances,seeiyfoucanfigureoutwhatgetschangedorcfurttoomgopompoustoplainprose: PompouOsriginalPlainRevisionwasItditshciusssedinreadingTannaernguesthat...that ThseceneveryimipsortantThiesarlyscenehelpsuusnderbeucsaiuutsnedheerlsptsandstandCleopatra.Cleopatraearlyonintheplay. Intheplay,Menasw.hoisaThpeirateMenasdismitshseespirates,aysthiasboutthemarmarriageasapolitiacrarlangeriage:“Ithinkthepolicyofthatment.purposemadmeoreinthemarthantheloveofthepatties”riage(2.6.115—6). ThvfieildemoandindustrycateThefilamndvideoindusttycategorcyanspecificallybbreokengorcyonsistsofproductidiosn,downintsoubsequentindustriestribution,moviehouses,andofmotionpicturaendvideotapecableandotherpay-televisionproduction,motionpicturesaenrdvices.videotapedistributimoonv,iehouses,andcableandotherpay-televisseirovnices. SomeoAfOLWarneTri’smeA‘OTLimeWarner’smajorglobalmajormediacompetiitnocrlsudemediacompetitorsincludeNewsCorporationLtd.whichiasAustrNaeliwa-sbasedCorporaglobalmediaandentertainmenttionLtdandU.S-basedlocatediAnustralia,ViacIonmc.mediapowerandViacomInc.w,hichbasedinistUhneitedStaatneisdstheoneofworld’sleadingmediacompanies. DoyouseeanypatternsintherevisionTsh?ere’saheftyinreductionthetotalnumberofwords.About70percentofthewordsintheoriginalpassageshavebeeneliminated.Buthowdoesonedecidewhattocut?Hearreesomeofthestructuralchangetshatmakerevtihsieosensmoreconcise:theverbshavegottesntronger(fewerlinkinvgerbsandlesspassivevoice,andmoreactiveverbsintheactivevoice);adjectivephrasesandclausehsavebeenpushedintsohortadjectivesptrheactede
Concision7 ConsideroptehniisngparagraphofsaetsusadeyntabouttheItalianRenaissancepoliticaltMhianckhieravelli: MachiavellibestsurpepporutbslicsinTheDiscourfsaevs.oritHiesrepublicisancienteRxoplmaei.Hnesandsupportshisadmitrahtiisoninwork.ThtewomajoraspectsthatMachiavellidiscussesarethattheRomansweregreataemtphiarteantdhepyohwaeadrfu(l44army.words) RightawaythereaderstumblesoverbestsuppWohratts.meanitdoestosatyhatMachiavellisurpeppourtbslics?Ansdaybwehsty,awordthatimpliescompariason?Asisoftenoftuwrnruictelienagr,itswriterhasgoodideasbuthasn’tyetsucceededinarticulatingthefirm.stoTfhetheseisthatMachiavellipraisesrepublicsinabookentTithleedDiscourses.Therevisionwillbuildonthispvlearibn,erpraises.Thewriter’ssecondidea,onlyahtiintnetdhatdistractingwordbest.,isthatMachiavelli’spraiserepubolifcsTheDiisncoursesdiffersfromperhisspectiveinothheirsfamousThbeooPrki,nce,whereheseemtsoprefermonarchies.(We’donlyknowintchoinstext,sotospewaekwe—rifealongfortheridewiththatstudent—butbearwithinc.)Mullingoverwaystobringoutthissecondpoint,thewriterreasslhkiiezpescaintbecauseit’snottheopfoihnetressay: OriginalRevisionIRevision2Machiavellibestsup-MachiavellibestMachiavellipraisesportsrepublicisnThereppurabiliscessirenpublicsinTheDisDiscourser.DiscoTuhreses.courses. There’sstillworktodo.Lookatbacorkiginaltheparagraph.Thetransitionsbetweensentencesweak,areandthethirdsentenceaddslittletothefirst.Here’stherevisedparagraph: MachiavellipraisesrepubTlihcesDiisncourses.AbovaellhepraisesthereRpoumbalinc,becauseihtadpowerfualarcmoy,nquaenrdedandheldaempirvea.st(26words) Therevisionis40percentshorter.Itkeepssatmhee(iedxecaesptforcuttingtheabortivecontrastwithThePrince)butexpressewsitthhemstrongverbs(praises,conhaqdu,ered,hgeoloadd)ndlinks(aAnbdoveallbecauasne)d.
6I Ifweimaginethecontext,plainlythissentenceoccurswithinlargeradiscussioninwhichtopic,thecontingencymanagement,hasalreadybeenintroduced(otherwisetheuseoftheipnhtrhaissesentencewouldmakenosense).Thetopic’srepetitionherebluntstheenergyofasturdylittlesentence. Whenastudentiswiseenoughtouseagoodverb,intensifyingadverbsoftenbackfire: OriginalRevisionEuthyphrocontinuestofurtherEuthyphrocontinuestojustifyjustifyhisactions.hisactions. TheplayeaselallyexaminestheTheplayexaminesthedisorderdisorderbroughtbycivilwar.broughtcivilbywar. Theseadverbsaddnothingtothealreadystrongverbs.Theyarejusttracesofthepomsptoyulseinotherwisegoodsentences.KeepinmindMarkTwain’sadvice:“Substitutedamneverytimeyou’reintcloinedwritevery;youreditorwilldeletethhaendwritingwillbejustasitshouldbe?’Sinceadverbsoftenpropupweakverbs,sometimescuttinganadverbwilplushthewritertochooseastrongerverb: OriginalRevisionAntonyplaysonthecrowd’sAntonyplaysonthecrowd’semotionsandsuccessfullyemotionstahneidrwinssupport.tohbetirainssupport. Herethewriter,tryingtofixtheproblemofanunhelpfulmodifier,realizedthatthesolutionwastoputthesentence’skeyactionintoitsverb: OriginalRevisionSocratesconvincinglyexplainsSocratesconvincesCritothatitpositihoinstoOho.wouldbeunjusttoflee.IEventuallyS,ocratesconvincesCrito. SocratesconvincesCi-itobyitselfwouldbeabitabrupt,sothewriter’snextstepwastodecidehowtoaddenoughvaluetothesentencetomakeitreadwell.Twopossibilitiesareshown. Wordiness,aswe’veseen,isoftentiedtootherproblems,theeafnfdorttoomnae’ksewritingconciseoftenbringsaboutotherimprovements.