The Nerd's Guide To Being Confident

14 Pages·2018·0.235 MB·English

by  Mark Manson

Thought Catalog
The Nerd’s Guide to Being
Confident Introduction
Shut Up and Be Grateful
You Are Your Own Worst ne!"
Where Are Your #$%&ing
'alues( The Guide to Being
)isera*le Your Two )inds
The Theor" of )eta+Aweso!eness
,ow to Stop -"ing to Yourself
Change Your )ind A*out .ating
.i/ersif" Your Identit"
The Ipane!a Boardwal0
 A*out the Writer 
 A*out Thought Catalog
Thought Catalog 1eco!!ends
Thought Catalog
The Nerd’s Guide To Being Confident
 A T,OUG,T CATA-OG O1IGINA-
2 3456 )ar0 )anson
Published By: Thought Catalog
Boo0s .i/ision
Thought 7 8pression
--C Willia!s*urg9
The Nerd’s Guide to Being Confident
B"
)ar0 )anson
Introduction
http://seductionbooks.blogspot.com
T
here are two pro*le!s with the wa" confidence is usuall" e8plained: The first is that
confidence is so!ething e/er"*od" 0nows when the" see it *ut no one can descri*e it well:
When as0ed what confidence loo0s li0e people usuall" sputter out so!e sort of platitude a*out
;*eing sure of the!sel/es9< or ;in control9 or ;assured9< or god for*id9 ;=ust feeling it9 "ou 0now(<
The other pro*le! is that our perception of confidence is interrelated with prett" !uch
e/er" other *u>>word on the planet: Being confident coincides with high self+estee!9 low
an8iet"9 a strong social networ09 asserting strong *oundaries9 health" relationships9
asserti/eness?"et none of these things descri*e it full" *" the!sel/es:
In !" adult life9 I’/e so!ehow landed !"self into the intellectual @uag!ire of writing a*out
confidence for a li/ing: ,ow e8actl" isn’t that i!portant it’s a long and *i>arre stor"9 *ut the
point is I’! a professional *logger  an apparentl" popular and successful one  who has
so!ehow found hi!self as one of the chief disse!inators of practical life ad/ice to
)illennials: I’/e !ade a li/ing off !a0ing ideas li0e confidence and self+estee! see! si!ple
and achie/a*le9 and *" doing it in a wa" that doesn’t insult "our intelligence:
1ecent research shows that this generation of "oung adults is !ore stressed9 !ore an8ious9
and less e!otionall" health" than an" prior generation e/er !easured: That’s a *u!!er9 to *e
sure9 *ut I won’t *ore "ou with a dissertation on wh" that !a" *e: The point is that there’s a high
de!and right now for *asic infor!ation on how to feel a little *it *etter a*out oursel/es9 and to
ha/e it e8pressed in a wa" that’s !ore con/incing than9 ;Dust *e "ourself9< or the old useless
fa/orite9 ;fa0e it Etil "ou !a0e it:< These pieces of con/entional ;wisdo!< !ean nothing:
)" =o* o/er the "ears has *een to condense the a*stract ps"chological 0nowledge on how to
feel *etter a*out one’s self and others9 and share it in a @uir0"9 digesti*le and satisf"ing wa":
That’s wh" I call this The Nerd’s Guide to Being Confident, *ecause9 to *e honest9 the si!ple
e8planations don’t cut it: Things get !ess": The" also get funn": And /ulnera*le: And scar": So!e
things need a nerd" e8planation for the! to !a0e sense: It also so happens that nerd" fol0 tend to
*e the de!ographic that !ost struggle with confidence issues: So there "ou goF suppl" and de!and:
)ost of us pursue confidence out of a desire to e!*od" so!e /ision of our perfect sel/es: We ha/e
this i!age in our head of so!e *ad ass who is alwa"s right9 alwa"s self+assured9 and e/er"thing goes
right for: It’s hu!an nature: But indulging our fantasies can oddl" !a0e us feel worse a*out oursel/es in
the real world: And ironicall"9 it’s letting go that /ision of oursel/es *eing perfect that allows us to
*eha/e confidentl":
 And with that *rief teaser9 I gi/e "ou this short *oo0F !" flawed and hu!*le atte!pt at
helping "ou e!*race *eing flawed and hu!*le: Because confidence isn’t a*out alwa"s *eing
right or alwa"s *eing superior: It’s si!pl" a*out dou*ting oursel/es a little less:
)ar0 )anson
Shut Up and Be Grateful
T
he fact that "ou’re reading this sentence !eans that "ou are richer and !ore educated than
:H& of people in hu!an histor": It !eans "ou ha/e al!ost i!!ediate access to o/er half of all
of the infor!ation and data e/er created *" the hu!an race: It !eans "ou ha/e the a*ilit" to
educate "ourself on su*=ects people pre/iousl" spent their entire lifeti!es learning:
,egel said that histor" is the process of freedo! reali>ing itself: Assu!ing "ou’re in the western
world9 then "ou currentl" li/e in the !ost free and tolerant societ" that has e/er e8isted: Toda" is the
least /iolent ti!e in hu!an histor": There is less racis! and se8is! than an" other ti!e in histor": The
world has !ore econo!ic !o*ilit" than e/er and tra/eling across *orders is easier now than e/er:
You !a" *e unhapp" with "our lo/e life9 *ut =ust a few generations ago9 casual se8 was an
i!possi*ilit"9 contraception was a rarit"9 and "ou could *e disowned *" "our fa!il" for fooling
around with the wrong person: A few generations *efore that9 "ou li0el" ne/er went to school with
so!eone of the opposite gender and "our parents chose who "ou !arried: In so!e countries
and regions9 "ou could ha/e *een 0illed for sleeping with or e/en flirting with the wrong person:
Your fa!il" !a" frustrate "ou9 *ut o/er 56 of children in the world onl" ha/e one parent
and 5J6 !illion children are growing up with no parents at all:
If "ou’re in college or "ou went to college9 "ou are part of the luc0" K& worldwide elite:
You’re unli0el" to e/er li/e at a su*sistence le/el li0e al!ost L4& of the world population: And
"ou surel" won’t e/er *e star/ing li0e 5J people in the world:
But "ou’/e heard stuff li0e this *efore: And it doesn’t actuall" help9 right( Yeah9 "ou’re
luc0"9 *ut "ou still struggle with "our confidence9 "ou still feel sociall" an8ious9 "ou still suffer 
fro! feelings of inade@uac"9 "ou still stress a*out !one"wor0de*tfa!il"friends: Your lo/e
life is still a !ess: Sure9 "ou’re eating well and "ou ha/e a nice T' and car and "ou can do
long di/ision and code in M,M9 *ut "our life isn’t e8actl" peach" either:
#or decades9 research has tied gratefulness and appreciation to happiness: Meople who
are happier tend to *e !ore grateful and appreciati/e for what the" ha/e:
But what the"’/e also found is that it also wor0s the other wa" aroundF consciousl"
practicing gratitude !a0es one happier: It !a0es one appreciate what one has and helps one
to re!ain in the present !o!ent: Mracticing gratitude increases accounta*ilit" which directl"
leads to higher self estee! and happiness: Not to !ention it !a0es one !ore pleasant to *e
around and creates a !ore !agnetic personalit":
Your parents !a" *e s!othering and o*no8ious9 *ut the" do it *ecause the" care a*out
"ou and it’s the onl" wa" the" 0now how to show it: Be grateful "ou ha/e people who lo/e
"ou9 e/en if the" don’t show it in the wa" "ou wish the" did: Use it as an opportunit" to help
the!9 co!!unicate with the!9 de/elop a *etter relationship with the!:
You !a" *e o/erweight9 *ut at least "ou’/e en=o"ed plent" of good food and ha/e the 0nowledge
and capa*ilit" to get thin and loo0 great: Use it as an opportunit" to set goals and i!pro/e "ourself:
You !a" *e single and lonel"9 *ut at least "ou li/e in a societ" which accepts open
co!!unication *etween !en and wo!en9 is li*eral a*out dating practices9 and at least "ou
alwa"s ha/e the !eans to get out there and i!pro/e "our situation:
You !a" not *e the person "ou want9 *ut at least "ou ha/e the self+awareness and dri/e to
notice what "ou’re unhapp" with and the desire to do so!ething a*out it: You are part of the
first generation in hu!an histor" that has trul" disco/ered we are alwa"s capa*le of 
i!pro/ing our li/es9 sociall"9 e!otionall"9 professionall" and financiall": In the past9 people
assu!ed if the" were *orn into it9 the" were screwed:
You’/e *een *lessed: /en if "ou rarel" reali>e it: All of us here ha/e:
 And "ou’ll 0eep forgetting this unless "ou re!ind "ourself: 1e!ind "ourself regularl":
Choose to *e grateful: 1e!e!*er how it could *e worse9 it could alwa"s *e worse:
The hu!an !ind naturall" o/er+e!phasi>es the negati/e: Ms"chologists ha/e found that
the loss of so!ething is three to four ti!es !ore painful than the =o" of gaining the sa!e
thing: It’s an unfortunate !echanis! that has 0ept our species ali/e and thri/ing *ut also
0eeps !an" of us in a constant state of irritation and stress:
It’s wh" negati/e news gets reported and spread so !uch !ore readil": It’s wh" we can’t
turn awa" fro! a car accident or two people fighting: It’s wh" it’s so !uch !ore te!pting to
relate to others through co!plaining and gossip rather than through gratitude: It’s easier:
This isn’t to sa" one !ust ignore what’s wrong or *ro0en with the world: I’! the last one to
pretend e/er"thing is unicorns and rain*ows: It’s =ust to sa" that when things see! shitt"9
don’t forget what’s good9 true and *eautiful: 1e!e!*er to shut up and *e grateful:
Gratitude is the s0ill of happiness: It’s the cure for an e!otional /a!pire: And it is indeed a
s0ill: It re@uires practice and effort and ha*it: But it’s a s0ill an"one can learn and an"one can
do: And "ou can start it toda"9 right now:
.o it e/er" !orning when "ou wa0e up9 while "ou *rush "our teeth9 loo0 in the !irror and
thin0 of fi/e things "ou’re grateful for: Mic0 so!eone and tell the! this wee0 that "ou’re grateful
for the! or for so!ething the" did: Chances are it will !a0e "ou feel *etter than the!: Chances
are "ou’ll feel far !ore co!forta*le around the! and "our relationships will *egin to i!pro/e:
Sidenote for the thic0+headedF When showing appreciation for so!eone or so!ething9 it should *e
genuine and not designed to get the! to li0e "ou: This should *e o*/ious to an" e!otionall"+
functioning adult9 *ut I figured I’d drop it in here *ecause "ou ne/er 0now who co!es *" these da"s:
Genuine appreciationF It !a" feel fruit" or weird so!eti!es: ,ell9 e/en writing this post is
!a0ing !e feel 0ind of li0e a Care Bear: But I’! cool with that: That resistance represents a lac0
of /ulnera*ilit" that I still ha/en’t co!pletel" wor0ed through: So I feel a *it weird9 *ut that !eans
I’! doing so!ething right here: Opening up to that *uilds confidence and healthier relationships:
If it feels hard9 start s!all and post so!ething on #ace*oo0: Dust tr" it once a da"9 for a
wee0: See what happens: I pro!ise nothing *ad will happen:
I’ll startF e/en when people critici>e !e9 !isunderstand !e9 or send !e ridiculous e!ails
co!paring !e to Satan or calling !e a sand" /agina9 I’! grateful for !" *log and how !uch it
enriches !" life: The *enefits and =o"s of running it are !ore than worth the occasional rotten
apples that periodicall" pop in: And re!inding !"self of that !a0es it all that !uch *etter:
So than0 "ou to all of "ou who !a0e doing this so worthwhile and fulfilling:
O9 now it’s "our turn: And if it still feels weird9 I pro!ise *eing grateful doesn’t !a0e "ou
an" less !anl": Co!e on9 ha/en’t "ou seen I Love You, Man *efore( If it !a0es "ou feel
*etter9 feel free to add so!e ;fuc0ing< and ;*ro< into "our appreciation state!ents in *etween
crushing *eer cans on "our forehead:
#or e8a!pleF ;Bro9 "ou’re the fuc0ing !an when it co!es to listening to !" whin" *ullshit:
Than0s: I reall" appreciate it: Want another pret>el(<
See( That wasn’t so hard
You Are Your Own Worst ne!"
T
here’s a para*le that I’/e heard a few ti!es passed around self i!pro/e!ent se!inars and
*oo0s: It goes li0e thisF
 As my friend passed by the eephants, he suddeny stopped, !onfused by the fa!t that 
these huge !reatures "ere being hed by ony a rope tied to their egs# It "as obvious that 
the eephants !oud, at any time, brea$ free from the ropes they "ere tied to, but for some
reason they did not# My friend sa" the trainer nearby and as$ed "hy these beautifu,
magnifi!ent animas %ust stood there and made no attempt to es!ape#
&'e,( he said, &"hen they are very young and mu!h smaer "e use the same si)e rope
to tie them and at that age it’s enough to hod them# As they gro" up, they are !onditioned 
to beieve that they !annot brea$ a"ay# They beieve the rope !an sti hod them, so they 
never try to brea$ free#( My friend "as ama)ed# These animas !oud at any time brea$ 
free from their bonds but be!ause they beieved they !oudn’t, they "ere stu!$ right "here
they "ere# The po"erfu and giganti! !reature imited its present abiities by the imitations
of its past# *o" many of us go through ife beieving the ropes tied to us+
We all assu!e we’re right all the ti!e: It’s hu!an nature: If we didn’t thin0 we were right9 then we
wouldn’t do what we do or thin0 what we thin0: But the pro*le! with us all *elie/ing that we’re right
is that we’re not: In fact9 !ost of us are wrong !ost of the ti!e: All of us: Whether *elie/ing the earth
was flat9 that !an could ne/er fl"9 that Gods who created the world li/ed on )t: Ol"!pus9 that
!astur*ation caused one to go *lind9 that the earth was created in si8 da"s si8 thousand "ears ago
? all of these *eliefs were ;right< at one ti!e9 and were e/entuall" pro/en wrong: In fact9 "ou could
sa" that al!ost e/er" single *elief held throughout hu!an histor" has e/entuall" *een pro/en wrong
and replaced *" a !ore correct *elief: And that !ost of the *eliefs we hold toda" are pro*a*l" wrong
in so!e shape or for! and will e/entuall" *e replaced *" !ore correct /ersions:
Which *egs the @uestion9 what do "ou *elie/e toda" which will *e replaced in the future( And I don’t
!ean on a philosophical le/el9 *ut on a personal one: -oo0 into "our past9 what is so!ething "ou used
to thin0 was ;right< *ut turned out to *e wrong( I used to thin0 wo!en would onl" sleep with a gu" who
wanted to *e their *o"friend: I was horri*l" wrong: I used to *elie/e that no*od" would care a*out what I
wrote and procrastinated starting a *log for o/er si8 !onths as a result: Wrong: I used to