The movie doctors

431 Pages·2016·13.7 MB·English

by  Kermode

Table of Contents
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Contents
Introduction
Accident & Emergency
Pharmacy
Ear, Nose & Throat
Sleep Clinic
Psychiatry
Cardiology
X-ray Department
Fertility Clinic
Maternity
Occupational Therapy
Ophthalmology
Paediatrics
Isolation Clinic
Physiotherapy
General Surgery
Cosmetic Surgery
Geriatrics
Transplants
Morgue
Chapel
Outpatients’ Clinic
Patient Transport
Index
Image Permissions
Acknowledgements

First published in Great Britain in 2015 by Canongate Books Ltd
14 High Street, Edinburgh EH1 1TE
www.canongate.tv
Copyright © Simon Mayo and Mark Kermode, 2015
The moral rights of the authors have been asserted For permissions acknowledgements, please see p.333
British Library Cataloguing-in-Publication Data A catalogue record for this book is available on request
from the British Library ISBN 978 1 78211 662 2
eISBN 978 1 78211 663 9
Art Direction by Rafaela Romaya
Design by Hüman After All™
Picture Research by Hedda Archbold
Illustrations by Toby Triumph
To the ushers and projectionists of the world
CONTENTS
Welcome to the Hospital

INTRODUCTION

ACCIDENT & EMERGENCY

PHARMACY

EAR, NOSE & THROAT

SLEEP CLINIC

PSYCHIATRY

CARDIOLOGY
X-RAY DEPARTMENT

FERTILITY CLINIC

MATERNITY

OCCUPATIONAL THERAPY

OPHTHALMOLOGY

PAEDIATRICS

ISOLATION CLINIC

PHYSIOTHERAPY
GENERAL SURGERY

COSMETIC SURGERY

GERIATRICS

TRANSPLANTS

MORGUE

CHAPEL

OUTPATIENTS’ CLINIC

PATIENT TRANSPORT

INDEX
IMAGE PERMISSIONS
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
INTRODUCTION
Simon & Mark Dr Mayo: So, we’re the Movie Doctors?
Dr Kermode: Well strictly speaking only one of us earned our title. Yours is an
honorary doctorate. Mine was earned by actually writing a thesis on modern
horror fiction.
Dr M: Well mine was earned by actually looking so fabulous in a gown, they
decided to give me another one. So we are both, strictly speaking, doctors.
Dr K: Yes but neither of us is a medical doctor. However as ‘movie doctors’ we
are well aware that some movies need medical attention . . .
Dr M: And also how other movies can make you feel happier, make you nicer
and well . . . weller?
Dr K: I think you mean healthier.
Dr M: I think you’re right, I do. And have we constructed a rather fine conceit
around this?
Dr K: Indeed. So. Imagine you’re a movie in need of medical attention – you
might be far too long, or unnecessarily upbeat, or be in need of a live organ
transplant . . .
Dr M: . . . or you might be an actual human patient in need of a cure for a
broken heart, tinnitus or . . .
Dr K: Celluloid or humanoid, the Movie Doctors’ Clinic will help.
Dr M: Films will be referred to the relevant department, depending on whether
they need a bit of cosmetic surgery or something more drastic.
Dr K: You can find Michael Bay’s films in the recovery room.
Dr M: And patients?
Dr K: Unlike in a real hospital, waiting times for patients’ clinics is minimal.
Dr M: From the moment you arrive at our doors, we’ll diagnose you and
suggest cures for your problems. We’ve colour coded everything so you don’t
get lost — Dr K: Or find yourself accidentally incorporated into a Human
Centipede.
Dr M: So sit back, dip your hand into your bucket of corn-based snack and
enjoy this beautifully designed, elegantly written and strikingly affordable movie
concept book. Nurse, the screens . . .