The Modern Gentleman, 2nd Edition: A Guide to Essential Manners, Savvy, and Vice

313 Pages·2011·2.47 MB·English

by  Phineas Mollod

© 2002, 2011 by Phineas Mollod and Jason Tesauro
Illustrations © 2002 by A.W. Shasteen All rights reserved.
Published in the United States by Ten Speed Press, an imprint of the
Crown Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc., New York.
www.crownpublishing.com
www.tenspeed.com
Ten Speed Press and the Ten Speed Press colophon are registered trademarks of Random House, Inc.
Permission granted to reprint material from the following publications:
D. H. Lawrence, Lady Chatterley’s Lover. New York: Penguin, 1962.
Henry Miller, My Life and Times. New York: Gemini Smith/Playboy Press, 1971.
Stephen Potter, Anti-Woo Gambits for Non-Lovers. New York: McGraw-Hill Companies, 1965. Excerpt reproduced with
permission of the McGraw-Hill Companies.
Raymond Chandler, The Long Goodbye. New York: Random House, 1992.
One-Upmanship by Stephen Potter, © 1952 by Stephen Potter. Reprinted by permission of Henry Holt & Co., LLC.
Tom Robbins, Fierce Invalids Home from Hot Climates. New York: Bantam Books, 2001.
Jackie Stewart, Interview, Playboy, June 1972.
Amy Vanderbilt’s Complete Book of Etiquette. New York: Random House, 1958.
The Library of Congress has cataloged the first edition as follows:
Mollod, Phineas.
The modern gentleman / Phineas Mollod and Jason Tesauro.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references and index.
1. Etiquette for men. I. Tesauro, Jason. II. Title.
BJ1855 .M65 2002
395.1’42-dc21
2002001355
eISBN: 978-1-60774019-3
v3.1
To all the books that made me think and blush, and the hidden gems of life that begged my
discovery.
—P. M.
To my Pop Pop and Pop, two jazzy gents who boosted me to the upper branches of a gnarly
family tree.
—J. T.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
A litany of fond framily thanks can be found in the first edition, yet
those who contributed pointedly to the second deserve mention: an old-
fashioned analog thank-you to our Facebook friends and Twitter tweeps
for providing fodder for Digital Man; a hat tip to Russ, Ken, Larry and
Kenan, the original MG alums, as well as new recruits Jason and Bruce,
for walking the walk and tipping the flask; bravo to brother Dan for his
symphonic know-how and modernist vivacity on Classical Music as well
as his Farmer Brown chicken-coop smarts; a thunderous rim shot to Doc
Dugan for spinning vinyl in the basement and being a primal force
behind the syncopated brilliance of Jazz; fond head rub to Donny for his
wisdom on all things whiskered and whiskerless; back pats to Alex for
Pacific and Midwest musings on file-sharing and Life Reset; handshake
to Nick for philosophizing on texting and Girl Problems; and a big shout
to the epidermically prosaic Joshua for talking tattoos and lost love
regained.
Grazie, Jeff Gordinier, for a chapbook’s worth of poesy insight; 500 g
of gratitude to Michel Emery and Petrossian for copious caviar
chrestomathies; and a walk-in closet’s worth of thanks to Monroe
Robertson, Jake Mueser, Benton Bryan, and Philip Martin for the skinny
on bespoke dress and snappy shoes. Lovin’ mouthfuls of Wednesday
wabbit, 1955 Sauternes, and rich Kona to intrepid gastronauts Kendra,
Tim, Andrea, and Frits; a bushel of appreciation to Manakintowne
Specialty Growers, Rural Virginia Market, Chelsea Market, Sub Rosa
Bread, Gearhart’s Chocolates, Belmont Butchery, Chef Grandinetti, and
the Union Square Greenmarket for artisanal localism, foodie knowledge,
crisp Mutsu apples, and Ronnybrook’s killer coconut yogurt. Gracias to
Manolo for busting out the Galician orujo; thanks to Sippie for Shochu
101 and for explaining fractions to me at Stonybrook Elementary; cheers
to Matthew Rowley for talking moonshine; plus caffeinated credit to
Lamplighter Roasting Company, Café Grumpy, and a broad bear hug to
the world below 23rd Street, the modern gentleman’s modern bazaar.
Gratefulness to James River Writers for literary support in VA; dotted-
line thanks to Kirk Schroder for legal muscle when we were wrasslin’ for
rights; and a humidor’s worth of acknowledgment to John, Dina, Debbie,
and Michael for turning vision into joint venture. A full decanter of
thanks to David and Maria Denton, and Carol Colby for vinoventures and
sommelier mentoring, with an especial PS to Bartholomew Broadbent for
texted mischief and wisdom over a drained bottle of 1964 Bual. Hatfuls
o’ love to gents-in-training Sebastion and Brooks, and a couchful of
kudos to Holli for the high-minded headshrinking. Confit and Country
Style Thanks to Julia, Dean, and Jessica for Crash Pad insight; and
truffle-scented appreciation for Luca, Alessandro, Chef Melissa, the
Tasting Room babes, and my dear Barboursville family for friendship
and franc.
A secret handshake to the dapper designer, Colleen Cain. Thanks to
our sharp-eyed copyeditor, Kristi Hein; proofer, Jennifer McClain; and
indexer, Ken Della Penta. Bon mots to our staunch supporters at Random
House and Ten Speed Press, especially Aaron Wehner, a fellow gent, and
Madame Editor Lisa Westmoreland for polishing our silver tongues.
Lastly, a goodie-drawer’s worth of liplocked reverence for Gillington and
ALN for bringing us to our knees.
CONTENTS
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
Acknowledgments
INTRODUCTION
PART ONE: THE GREGARIOUS GENTLEMAN
CHAPTER ONE: OUT & ABOUT
Digital Man • Artful Conversation • Jukeboxing • Flaskmanship • Elevator Etiquette • At Table • Skinny-
Dipping • Comings & Goings • Family Reunions • Amen Corner
CHAPTER TWO: ENTERTAINING
Group Dynamics • Hosting • Intimate Gatherings • The Active Table • Houseguests • Charcoal
Briquetiquette • Bachelor Party • Best Manning
CHAPTER THREE: WOOING
Flirtation • Dates • The Open Triangle • Do-It-Yourself • Long-Distance Runaround • Exes & Ohs •
Taking a Break • The Crack-Up
PART TWO: THE INNER GENTLEMAN
CHAPTER FOUR: GENTLEMANLY KNOWLEDGE
Literature • Poesy • Classical Music • Jazz • Fitness • Soothsaying • Man Cycle • Fonzarelli Moves &
Legerdemain
CHAPTER FIVE: APPEARANCE & STYLE
Sartorial Savvy • Accessories • Knots & Cravats • Pyjamas • Eyewear • Hatiquette & Umbrella Policy •
Tattoos • Hair, Hygiene, & Habits
CHAPTER SIX: DOMESTICITY
Domestic Policy • Vittles • Single Space • Heartifacts • Toiletiquette • Spitting, Hiccoughing, & Other
Expulsions
PART THREE: THE POTENT GENTLEMAN
CHAPTER SEVEN: VENERABLE VICES: ALCOHOL, TOBACCO, &
FIREWORKS
Spirits • Beyond & Tonic • The Solitary Drink • Oenophilia • Bubbly • Working with a Hangover • The
Ethic of Alcohol • Tobacco • Substances • Gaming • Golf • The Ponies
CHAPTER EIGHT: BETWEEN THE SHEETS
Romantic Recon • Prophyletiquette • XXX: Phineas’s Phavourites & Tesauro’s Titillations • The
Afterglow • To the Power of 3
CHAPTER NINE: TROUBLE
Sticky Situations & Solutions • Conversational Gaffes • Secrets, Lies, & Confidences • Office Romance •
Losing It • The Bile Barometer • The Apology
PART FOUR: THE WAYFARING GENTLEMAN
CHAPTER TEN: TRAVEL
Motoring • Sleeper Trains • Theorem de Valise • Guest Decorum
PART FIVE: THE CEREMONIAL GENTLEMAN
CHAPTER ELEVEN: PUBLIC RELATIONS
Politics of Friends • Social System • Correspondence • Flora • Gifting • Handy Gifting Guide
CHAPTER TWELVE: BEYOND BACHELORHOOD
The Fourth Decade • The Rock • Proposals • Vows • The Good Husband
AFTERWORD
BIBLIOGRAPHY
ABOUT THE AUTHORS
INDEX
INTRODUCTION
A man may possess expensive duds, slick wheels, and a tongue to match,
but these are not the prerequisites of a gentleman. A gentleman is
defined by how he carries himself in fairways and stormy climes. A
student of the classics and a pilot of the new, he recommends sizzling
reads, pays his gambling debts, mans the grill, and curbs his dog.
Reserved, flamboyant, or likely somewhere in between, a gentleman’s
charisma is cultivated, not canned. He fosters an infectious comfort in
others as they quietly marvel at his manner and know-how. Little charms
performed thoughtfully ensure that inevitable faux pas are measured
against a graceful reputation. He can be trusted with his word and your
wife.
Nine years after The Modern Gentleman provided a manual for the
Millennial Age, we’re back for round deux. Certain fundamentals like
wine smarts and guest decorum invited only limited updates, yet a brave
new world of social media required a Second Edition addition of “The
Digital Man.” Also expect new sections reflecting unearthed passions for
coffee, caviar, and the farmers’ market, plus a renovation of the book’s
cultural center to spur the postliterate generation. Further, while “Jet
Setting” was scrapped in the wake of TSA’s increasingly unfriendly skies,
we address the politics of friends and spiffed-up “Sartorial Savvy” to
include Bespoke this and that. And with an ear ever cocked for word of
advancement in woo and amour, we present additional commentary on
“The Nooner” and “To the Power of 3.”
The Modern Gentleman, Second Edition, remains a visually stimulating,
rib-tickling, thought-provoking sourcebook of manners and mischief.
Enlightened and more than a little bit decadent, it’s a pioneering slant
on etiquette for gallery-openers and bar-closers alike. The book offers a
panoramic snapshot of the gentleman: witty and poignant, traditional
but spontaneous, flirtatious yet courtly. Of course, since a gentleman
inevitably dabbles in the friskier areas of excess, trouble, and chance, the
book’s naughty nucleus, “The Potent Gentleman,” explores liquid leisure,
dalliance, character-defining obstacles and gaffes, and new “Sticky
Situations” to navigate.
Long-forgotten cocktail recipes also pop up on these pages, reminding
us of the colorful life available in fine glassware, if one is armed with an
open mind and shaker. With the entire mixological oeuvre at your
smartphone thumbtips, we listed ingredients without ratios. Don’t
kvetch, just click.
The Modern Gentleman is not a cure-all for flaccid character, though
readers will absorb knowledge that vastly improves leisure. Nor is it a
pickup guide for dummies, a fudge-your-way-through-life primer, or the
“last word” on style or dress. We purposely avoid most topics blanketed
in ordinary guy guides filled with ruler-rapping dictums about brown
shoes and black belts. Also note that lover and bedmate appear more
frequently here than girlfriend or lady; the Modern Gentleman knows
that kindness is not gender-specific, and that a gay gentleman practices
most of the same considerations as his heterosexual counterpart. For
guidance in advanced matters of woo, see the MG’s sexy sister volume,
The Modern Lover: A Playbook for Suitors, Spouses, & Ringless Carousers.
The Modern Gentleman is an attainable character, not larger than life,
but exactly the size of it. We all aspire to be perpetually dapper, fluent in
three languages, and able to hit 300-yard drives off the blue tees, as well
as quote poetry by the stanza and win a back-alley scrap. However, there
is a level of gallantry more realistic than Hollywood perfection. So knot
up your ascot, pour a glass of sherry, and dim the lights: your Man Cycle
is peaking.