The lives of people born after the death of a sibling. PDF
Preview The lives of people born after the death of a sibling.
University of Massachusets Amherst THE LIVES OF PEOPLE BORN AFTER THE DEATH OF A SIBLING A Dissertation Presented by DEBRA BOLTAS Submitted to the Graduate School of the University of Massachusetts in partial fulfillment of the requirements for the degree of DOCTOR OF PHILOSOPHY May 1993 Department of Psychology Copyright by Debra Boltas 1993 All Rights Reserved THE LIVES OF PEOPLE BORN AFTER THE DEATH OF A SIBLING A Dissertation Presented by DEBRA BOLTAS Approved as to style and content by: Richard Halgin, Chflfir David M. Todd, Member 2 f Ronnie i -Bulman , Member Murray Ml Schwartz, (Member ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS I would like to express my appreciation to Richard Halgin, who chaired my committee, and who provided constant encouragement, support, and enthusiasm for this project. He has been a wise and valued mentor. I also would like to thank the other members of my committee: David Todd, Ronnie Janoff-Bulman, and Murray Schwartz. Each has played an integral role in my graduate training, and each in his or her own way has provided a refuge for both intellectual and emotional renewal. I also would like to thank Karen Haeberle and Jeff Lukens, who as supervisors have taught me how to think about people and their unconscious processes, and who as friends and colleagues have spent endless hours talking with me about how I might understand the experiences of those who participated in this study. Finally, I would like to thank Hanlyn Davies, who has provided advice and support throughout this project. The depth of his understanding, clarity of his perceptions, and integrity of his beliefs, have enriched my life and my work. iv ABSTRACT THE LIVES OF PEOPLE BORN AFTER THE DEATH OF A SIBLING MAY 1993 DEBRA BOLTAS, B.S UNIVERSITY OF MARYLAND M.S • / UNIVERSITY OF MASSACHUSETTS Ph.D • / UNIVERSITY OF MASSACHUSETTS Directed by: Professor Richard Halgin, Ph.D. This study was undertaken to address the dearth of research literature devoted to the lives of people born after the death of a sibling. The literature in related areas, such as maternal grief, allows us to speculate that "subsequent children" will have difficulties associated with being born to grieving, and therefore depressed and preoccupied mothers, as well as difficulties related to feeling compared to their dead siblings. In this study fifteen subsequent children were asked to talk about their memories, thoughts, feelings, desires, and fantasies regarding themselves and others. Only a few of the participants were consciously aware of feeling compared to their dead siblings during their growing up years. However, most had difficulties around feeling evaluated in general, and many tended to think of themselves as failures, at least in the eyes of their parents. All had fantasized about their dead siblings, usually as being nurturers and protectors. Most reported feeling unnoticed and uncared for while they were growing up. They often suffered from V depression, particularly during adolescence. Most had not developed a solid sense of their own identities and they often had difficulty forming intimate relationships. Few participants had talked about their thoughts and feelings regarding their dead siblings prior to being interviewed. The importance of giving voice to the thoughts, feelings, and fantasies of these subsequent children is discussed, as are possible interventions in their lives. Issues that may arise in psychotherapy with subsequent children also are addressed. vi TABLE OF CONTENTS ACKNOWLEDGMENTS ABSTRACT LIST OF TABLES PREFACE Chapter I. INTRODUCTION II. MOTIVATION FOR MOTHERHOOD . . Narcissistic Motivation for Motherhood 13 Stages of Pregnancy 15 Implications for Pregnancies After the Death of a Child 21 III. GRIEF IN GENERAL 22 Ambivalence and Pathological Grief 31 Symptoms of Grief 35 Implications for Maternal Grief and the Subsequent Child 37 IV. MATERNAL GRIEF IN PARTICULAR 41 Implications for the Subsequent Child 47 V. THE SUBSEQUENT PREGNANCY 50 Implications for the Subsequent Child 57 VI. THE SUBSEQUENT CHILD 59 VII. METHOD 69 The Participants 69 The Interviews 72 Approach to the Data 76 VIII. THE LIVES OF PEOPLE BORN AFTER THE DEATH OF A SIBLING: TWO CASES 81 Case One: Peter 82 Case Two: Jennifer 100 Summary 119 vii IX. SILENT ECHOES: HOW FAMILIES REMEMBER AND DISCUSS THEIR DEAD CHILDREN 121 Touchable Objects 3^21 Displayed Mementoes 124 Forbidden Territory 129 Rituals ] [ 132 The Link between Mementoes, Acknowledgement/ ' and Curiosity 132 X. REVERBERATIONS: HOW SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN EXPERIENCE THEIR FAMILIES 142 Parental Violence 143 Maternal Distress ! ! ! 147 Paternal Distress ' 151 Emotional Distance 154 Enmeshed Relationships 151 Normalcy 155 XI • RAMIFICATIONS: THE LIVES OF SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN 167 Depression 157 The Search for Core Vitality 172 Symbolic Expression 178 The Invisible Child 183 Loneliness and Isolation 186 Dependency and Intimacy 189 The Search for Protection 194 Separation Issues 198 Competition and Guilt 202 The Self as Failure 208 The Search for the Ideal Family 209 XII, CONCLUSIONS 212 Summary 212 The Possibilities for Intervention 220 APPENDIX: SEMI-STRUCTURED INTERVIEW 224 REFERENCES: 229 viii
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