The Kobold Wizard's Dildo of Enlightenment +2 (an adventure for 3-6 players, levels 2-5)

162 Pages·2010·8.44 MB·English

by  Carlton Mellick III

If anyone out there is reading this, I need your help. I am trapped within a really terrible
Dungeons and Dragons campaign and I can’t find my way out. My player is a horny 14-
year-old loser who won’t stop forcing me to have sex with slutty elf chicks instead of
going on quests. The Dungeon Master has severe Attention Deficit Disorder and skips
large sections of description when it comes to the world I live within. Please find my
character sheet and bring it to a better Dungeon Master, preferably a benevolent one with
a vivid imagination who actually knows what he’s doing. Please, I beg of you to deliver
me from this nightmare, before all of my hit points run out . . .

- Polo Pipefingers, level 3 Halfling Fighter

TABLE OF CONTENTS

DM NOTE
BACKSTORY
BAKERTON
TARDIS KEEP (ENTRY LEVEL)
TARDIS KEEP (DUNGEON LEVEL)
TARDIS KEEP (ENTRY LEVEL)
TARDIS KEEP (DUNGEON LEVEL)
ANCIENT CATACOMBS

CHARTS AND REFERENCES

CHARACTER SHEETS
NPCS
MAPS
TYPES OF DICE
MAGICAL ARTIFACT
BAKERTON RUMOR TABLE
J. DONNELLY NEW SPELL LIST
SPECIALTY CLOTHING SHOP INVENTORY
TYPES OF POLEARMS
MAGIC SEX SHOP INVENTORY
DM’S MATH CLASS NOTES
AUTHOR’S CHARACTER SHEET
ANCIENT TOMES
DM NOTE

When I was a kid, I had to make a very tough decision. I had to choose between
my two biggest obsessions and decide once and for all which one of them I would
dedicate my life to:
A) Writing books.
or
B) Playing DUNGEONS AND FUCKING DRAGONS!
I chose A, of course, but let me tell you something: I totally fucked up. I should
have chosen Dungeons and Dragons. I mean writing books is fine and all, but nothing
beats a good night of D&D. Nothing is more satisfying than leveling up your half-elf
ranger after surviving a particularly challenging dragon battle, with over half of your party
killed off, leaving most of the treasure to you and your nearly-dead dwarf thief friend who
only survived because he used his “hide in shadows” ability for practically the whole
goddamned quest. Now that is what I call glory. That is what life is all about. But no, I
had to be a fucking dumbass and choose writing. It’s still a cool gig, but if I could have
somehow made a living off of playing Dungeons and Dragons professionally I totally
would have done that instead.
It’s funny but I believe that I actually learned more about how to write from
Dungeon Mastering than I did from taking creative writing classes. I think it is because
when you create stories for Dungeons and Dragons, you have to consider your audience.
You’re not taught to consider your audience in creative writing classes. You are taught to
express yourself or how to intelligently work subtext into your story. They don’t teach
you how to keep your audience interested and engaged. They don’t teach you how not to
be boring. When you’ve created a shitty quest as a DM, your players let you know. They
might not say it to your face, but once they start yawning, going home early, and making
excuses not to come to the next week’s session, you know you’ve fucked up. So if you
happen to be a writer and think you’re wasting your time playing D&D, you should
remember that you can learn a lot from playing Dungeons and Dragons. Not only did it
help me with storytelling, but also worldbuilding, characterization, and even illustration.
To tell you the truth, pretty much all of my art skills originated from years of illustrating
the profile pics on character sheets.
This book is dedicated to the years of my life when I was most obsessed with
D&D (12-14). It is also dedicated to all of my friends I have played D&D with over the
years: Aaron Donnelly (who was Mormon and always played the wizard), Daniel
Donnelly (who was a hyperactive kid who loved to destroy things and talk about boners),
Jason Meador (my best friend when I was 14, who was sensitive about his height and
totally into Satan), Josh Webb (my first DM in 5th grade), Vince Kramer (who got me
back into D&D for a couple months when I was 19), and Buzz Jepson (the Trekkie kid I
used to play chess with at lunch when I was 15).
So, you hold in your hands The Kobold Wizard’s Dildo of Enlightenment +2,
which was originally titled The Eyeball Wizard’s Toy Cunt back when it was only in the
outlining stages about 6 years ago. Now I do have to say that this is the stupidest book I
have ever written. I say that a lot these days, but this time I really mean it. If there exists
another book with this many boners in it I would be completely amazed. But, you know,
when you are writing a book set in a world that has been created by 12-14 year old nerds
there is going to be a hell of a lot of boners in it. Still, I might have gone a little bit
overboard on this one. I hope you enjoy it anyway.

- Carlton Mellick III

06/01/10 7:24 pm