The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child: Helping Your Child Thrive in an Extroverted World

288 Pages·2005·1.82 MB·English

by  Marti Olsen Laney Psy.D.

The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted
Child
Helping Your Child Thrive in an
Extroverted World
Marti Olsen Laney, Psy.D.
Author of The Introvert Advantage
WORKMAN PUBLISHING • NEW YORK
Dedication
“It is better to follow the voice inside, than to follow the ways of the world and
be at war with your deepest self.”
—Michael Pastore
This book is dedicated to introverted children everywhere, and to the adults who
pause to listen to their voices.
Acknowledgments
“All you do is sit staring at a blank sheet of paper until the drops of blood form
on your forehead.”
—Gene Fowler
Any creative endeavor is challenging. Cooking a special dish, making a film,
writing a book, or raising an innie or outie child takes time and dedication. And
nothing creative happens without collaboration. Contrary to the old saying, “A
watched pot never boils,” preparing a book requires months or even years of
caring attention from a gaggle of chefs. So I wish to thank all of the cooks in the
Workman Publishing family, as well as my own family, friends, and clients who
have contributed to the ingredients in this bubbly brew.
I especially want to thank all of the researchers (many of whom are innies)
who watch lots of scientific pots. I respect and appreciate their capacity to cook
up new questions to study. Their investigations of the brain have given us
valuable insights into the hardwiring that shapes the introvert/extrovert
continuum. I hope that these understandings will help change the dismal
stereotypes introverted children often face.
And last, I want to thank all of the parents, teachers, counselors, ministers,
and others who are willing to see introverted children in a new light.
Contents
INTRODUCTION: EMBARKING
The Introverted Child: Marching to a More Hesitant Drummer
PART I: APPRECIATING DIFFERENT DESIGNS
CHAPTER 1: WAS AN INTROVERTED CHILD DROPPED DOWN YOUR CHIMNEY?
What Introversion Is—And What It Isn’t
CHAPTER 2: INNIES AND OUTIES ARE HARDWIRED
Brain Physiology Creates Introverted and Extroverted Temperaments
CHAPTER 3: INTROVERTS’ ADVANTAGES IN AN EXTROVERTED WORLD
Learn to Highlight Your Child’s Hidden Gifts
PART II: RAISING INTROVERTED CHILDREN WITH ROOTS AND WINGS
CHAPTER 4: BUILDING EMOTIONAL RESILIENCE
Establishing Strong Bonds with Your Child Will Provide Him a Secure
Foundation
CHAPTER 5: THE CARE AND FEEDING OF INNIES
Predictable Routines Energize Innies So They Can Flourish
CHAPTER 6: PLAY, CONVERSATION, AND THE ART OF RELAXATION
Encourage Daily Chats, Creative Play, Decision-Making Steps, and Stress-
Busting Skills
PART III: FAMILY VARIATIONS
CHAPTER 7: THE FAMILY TEMPERAMENT TANGO
Increase Family Harmony by Validating and Appreciating Each Member’s
Footwork
CHAPTER 8: IMPROVING SIBLING RELATIONSHIPS
Encourage Understanding, Establish Boundaries, and Dampen Rivalry
CHAPTER 9: EXTENDING THE FAMILY TREE
Cultivate Close Relationships with Grandparents, Other Family Members,
Friends, and Caregivers
PART IV: BRINGING OUT WHAT’S INSIDE
CHAPTER 10: INNIES IN THE CLASSROOM
When You Know How Innies Learn Best, You Can Help Them Navigate the
School Years
CHAPTER 11: SUPPORT YOUR INTROVERT AT SCHOOL AND ON THE PLAYING FIELD
Lend a Helping Hand with Teachers, Studying, Homework, Preparing for
College, and the Sports Scene
CHAPTER 12: INNIE SOCIAL SAVVY
What Friendship Means to Innies and What to Expect as They Travel Through
Childhood
CHAPTER 13: ENCOURAGING YOUR INTROVERT TO FLEX HIS SOCIAL MUSCLES
Practice Helps Strengthen Poise and Confidence, Even in Sticky Situations
CHAPTER 14: THORNY SOCIAL PATCHES
Help Your Innie Manage Conflict, Bullies, and Other Challenges
CONCLUSION: REFLECTIONS AS WE DISEMBARK
APPENDIX: SYNDROMES AND DISORDERS THAT ARE SOMETIMES CONFUSED WITH
INTROVERSION
SELECTED READING
INDEX
INTRODUCTION
Embarking
The Introverted Child: Marching to a More Hesitant
Drummer
“I’m a bagel on a plate of onion rolls.” —Barbra Streisand as Fanny Brice in
Funny Girl
Let me introduce you to a child who shares many characteristics with the
introverted children I have met and worked with.
Even at a very young age, she was easily drained by activities, such as
birthday parties, that energize many children. A social visit would hardly be
underway before she’d start tugging at her mother’s sleeve, urging her to take
her home. At preschool, she liked to watch other children play, but it took a
while before she decided to join in. In photographs, she looks slightly dazed, or
even as if she’s about to cry or hide behind a nearby door or shrub.
School meant leaving her comfortable home and entering what seemed like a
vast, deafening space filled with apprehension and confusion: a veritable three-
ring circus of a classroom. She could hardly hear the teacher—or even think. She
knew the times tables at home, but when asked to recite them before the group,
the numbers flew right out of her head. She hated large groups of all kinds. She
dreaded being called on. By second grade, she devised a technique to reduce
classroom anxiety. When the teacher scanned the room for a student to answer
her question, the girl would execute the “drop and cover”: This involved
“accidentally” dropping a pencil and then diving under her desk to hunt for the
elusive yellow No. 2. As soon as one of her quick-thinking classmates furnished
the answer, she would miraculously find the pencil and sit upright again.
Though quiet at school, at home she could talk her mother’s ear off. She
wondered why she could sometimes chat away like a magpie and then other
times find absolutely nothing to say. She felt like Ariel in the animated Disney
film The Little Mermaid, after Ursula the sea witch stole her voice.
How do I know so much about this little girl? Because I’m describing my
childhood self.
Like most introverted children, I was very much in tune with my own
internal rhythms but often fatigued and overwhelmed by interacting with the
larger social world. The way I experienced the world led me to several
conclusions about myself. Because I was tentative about joining in games, I
concluded that I was an oddball. Because, even when I knew the material, I
couldn’t trust myself to retrieve answers on the spot, I concluded that something
was wrong with my memory or that I was not very smart. Because I was so quiet
around others, I concluded that I had little to offer.
Many children who tend toward introversion draw similar conclusions about
themselves. And this is where I want to help. I know from my own experience
and from my twenty-plus years of clinical practice that an introverted child does
not have anything wrong with her intelligence or memory. She need not be
relegated to the social and academic sidelines. Indeed, she has a great deal to
offer. But introverted children do need support from their parents and others to
help them blossom. Face it: We live in a fast-paced, in-your-face, sound-bite
world that’s geared toward extroverts. Yet, by understanding the nature of
introversion, parents, teachers, and family members can help introverted children
take full advantage of their considerable brainpower and other personal
strengths.
Back to my childhood for a moment. Despite my less-than-spell-binding
student persona, a strange but wonderful thing happened: Many teachers
befriended me. We had conversations about current events, classroom dynamics,
and topics we were studying in class. I asked them questions about their life
experiences and listened to what they had to say. One teacher took me to see
West Side Story. Another introduced me to opera; I was deeply touched when he
gave me my first opera record—a copy of Aida. Looking back, I suspect that
these teachers were introverts who had recognized one of their own species. But
more important was the conclusion I drew from these affirming relationships:
that the world held lots of exciting possibilities when I met people one-on-one.
This capacity for depth, self-awareness, and close relationships with others is
the flipside of the introvert’s way. An introvert has the ability to focus. The
propensity to listen. The inclination to get to know people well. Those times in
my childhood when I felt forced to play by an extrovert’s rules, I found myself
lacking. But under circumstances where I could accept those aspects of myself
on my own terms, I thrived. For parents, adjusting a child’s environment from
one to the other is just a small shift. But for the child, it can mean the difference
between struggling to find a voice and accepting, even reveling, in who he is.
Supporting Your Innie
Many readers of my first book, The Introvert Advantage, have told me that it
resonated deeply with them. Often they’ve said, “I wish this information had
been available to me when I was a child. It would have saved me years of
thinking that something was wrong with me.” It frustrates and pains me to hear
so many stories about how misunderstood and overlooked most introverted
people felt when they were growing up. The adult introverts I talk to wish that
their families, teachers, counselors, and clergy had understood their introverted
nature and been able to help them. The alienation and loneliness they felt is
tragic because it was unnecessary.
Caring parents of introverted children continually ask me how they can
support their “innie” child’s growth. The desire is there; those in a position to
help simply don’t know what these children need or how they can provide it. I
also hear from introverted parents about how they struggle with parenting
extroverted children. My goal is to close the gap between innies and “outies,” or
extroverts, and to teach the language of introverts to parents and other caretakers
who need to speak it. I watch people’s reactions to my introverted grandchildren,
and I hear from introverted children and their parents in my psychotherapy
practice. And I certainly remember my own struggles as an introverted child
trying to find my way.
The number-one concern I hear from parents and other adults working with
introverted children is, “Will they succeed in the extroverted world as adults if
they stay as they are? Shouldn’t they be pushed to be more extroverted?” And
my answer is a loud—loud, at least, for an introvert—and resounding NO.
Trying to impose a new personality onto an introvert will only lower his self-
esteem, increase his guilt and shame about who he is, and perhaps add crippling
shyness to his introverted temperament. Introverted children really are small
wonders. Accept them as they are. By supporting their natural resources you will
allow their gifts to grow. Being an introvert and being self-assured are not
mutually exclusive. Confident introverted children will forge adult lives of