The Girl's Guide to Depravity: How to Get Laid Without Getting Screwed

272 Pages·2012·7.88 MB·English

by  Heather Rutman

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THE GIRL’S GUIDE TO
HOW TO GET LAID
GETTING SCREWED
Heather Rutman
RUNN ING PRE S S
P H I L A D E L P H I A • L O N D O N
Without
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DISCLAIMER
Use of company and product names is not authorized by, associated with, or
sponsored by any trademark owner, and is intended for literary effect only.
The Girl’s Guide to Depravity is a humor book. Its advice and suggestions are not
meant to be taken seriously. The author and publisher disclaim all liability in
connection with the use of this book.
© 2012 by Heather Rutman
Published by Running Press,
A Member of the Perseus Books Group
All rights reserved under the Pan-American and International Copyright Conventions
Printed in China
This book may not be reproduced in whole or in part, in any form or by any means, elec-
tronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage
and retrieval system now known or hereafter invented, without written permission from
the publisher.
Books published by Running Press are available at special discounts for bulk purchases in
the United States by corporations, institutions, and other organizations. For more infor-
mation, please contact the Special Markets Department at the Perseus Books Group, 2300
Chestnut Street, Suite 200, Philadelphia, PA 19103, or call [phone], ext. 5000, or e-mail
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CONTENTS
INTRODUCTION . . . 10
RULE #1: IT’S BETTER TO GET FUCKED THAN FUCKED OVER . . . 14
RULE #2: BE THE LAST WOMAN STANDING . . . 22
RULE #3: FREE DRINKS ALWAYS TASTE BETTER . . . 26
RULE #4: DEPRAVED GIRLS NEVER APOLOGIZE . . . 30
RULE #5: THERE IS NO FRIEND IN EX-BOYFRIEND . . . 34
RULE #6: WHERE THERE’S A PILL, THERE’S A WAY . . . 38
RULE #7: THE BEST WAY TO GET OVER A GUY IS TO GET UNDER
ANOTHER GUY . . . 44
RULE #8: NEVER MAKE A GUY FRIEND IF THERE’S NO
BENEFITS . . . 48
RULE #9: VIBRATORS MAKE THE BEST BOYFRIENDS . . . 52
RULE #10: NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF ASKING FOR
WHAT YOU WANT . . . 56
RULE #11: IT ISN’T COCK-BLOCKING IF HE’S NOT TRYING TO
SCORE . . . 60
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RULE #12: ALWAYS BE PREPARED . . . 64
RULE #13: THE ONLY REASON YOU SHOULD BE IN BED IN THE
MIDDLE OF THE DAY IS IF THERE’S A MAN IN IT . . . 70
RULE #14: IT MAY BE MARC JACOBS, BUT IF IT DOESN’T SHOW
OFF YOUR LEGS OR TITS, IT’S WORTHLESS . . . 74
RULE #15: EVEN THE UGLY ONES CHEAT . . . 78
RULE #16: IT’S NOT STALKING IF HE SAYS WHERE HE’S GOING
TO BE . . . 82
RULE #17: ALWAYS SUPPORT YOUR GIRLS . . . 88
RULE #18: THERE’S MORE THAN ONE WAY TO FUCK A
MAN . . . 96
RULE #19: SETTLING IS FOR QUITTERS . . . 100
RULE #20: IF YOU TRAVEL MORE THAN TWENTY MILES FOR A
BOOTY CALL, AT LEAST ONE OF YOU MUST GET OFF . . . 104
RULE #21: IT’S NOT ABOUT HOW YOU GET HIS ATTENTION,
IT’S ABOUT HOW YOU KEEP IT . . . 110
RULE #22: HAVE VACATION SEX AT HOME . . . 114
RULE #23: A PITY FUCK DOESN’T HAVE TO BE PITIFUL . . . 118
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RULE #24: NO RULES APPLY TO YOUR BACKUP GUY . . . 122
RULE #25: DON’T BE AFRAID TO FUCK ON THE FIRST DATE . . . 126
RULE #26: MEN LOVE THE CHALLENGE OF A TAKEN
WOMAN . . . 130
RULE #27: SOMETIMES A GIRL JUST NEEDS A GOOD FUCK . . . 134
RULE #28: DON’T FUCK WHERE YOU DRINK . . . 138
RULE #29: LOVE CAN FADE, BUT HERPES LASTS A
LIFETIME . . . 142
RULE #30: BE A SUPER TEASE . . . 146
RULE #31: NEVER FALL FOR YOUR FUCK BUDDY . . . 156
RULE #32: IF HE ASKS YOU TO GO DUTCH, DON’T EVEN THINK
ABOUT SHOWING HIM YOUR BRAZILIAN . . . 160
RULE #33: AS LONG AS HE’S STRAIGHT, IT DOESN’T MATTER
WHETHER OR NOT HIS TEETH ARE . . . 164
RULE #34: IF YOU’RE GONNA BE A BITCH, BE A MEGA
BITCH . . . 168
RULE #35: NEVER TRUST A GUY WHO PREFERS BJS TO
BANGING . . . 172
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RULE #36: ALWAYS GO FOR DICKS OVER PUSSIES (UNLESS
THAT DICK IS LIMP) . . . 174
RULE #37: THERE’S ALWAYS A BACK DOOR . . . 178
RULE #38: RELATIONSHIPS ARE GREAT WHEN YOU DON’T
GIVE A SHIT . . . 184
RULE #39: DOUCHES ARE BAD FOR YOUR VAGINA . . . 188
RULE #40: SOMETIMES IT’S JUST ABOUT THE SEX, NOT THE
SEXUALITY . . . 192
RULE #41: DEVELOP A MAGIC PUSSY . . . 196
RULE #42: NEVER FALL IN LOVE WITH A GUY YOU MEET IN
A BAR . . . 200
RULE #43: BREAKUP SEX IS ALMOST ALWAYS BETTER THAN
MAKEUP SEX . . . 204
RULE #44: HE DOESN’T HAVE TO BE THAT INTO YOU AS LONG
AS HE’S INTO HAVING SEX WITH YOU . . . 210
RULE #45: KNOW HOW AND WHEN TO MAKE AN EXIT . . . 214
RULE #46: MASTURBATE BEFORE A DATE . . . 218
RULE #47: FLAKE ON HIM BEFORE HE FLAKES ON YOU . . . 222
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RULE #48: IF YOU’RE TIRED OF PLAYING THE GAME, FIND
A GUY WHO DOESN’T KNOW THE RULES . . . 226
RULE #49: KEEP EVERY DICK PIC A GUY SENDS YOU . . . 232
RULE #50: IT’S NOT A DATE UNLESS SOMETHING GETS
WET . . . 236
RULE #51: AN ORGASM A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR
AWAY . . . 240
RULE #52: ONE MAN’S SEXUAL HARASSER IS ANOTHER MAN’S
ONE-NIGHT-STAND . . . 244
RULE #53: IF YOU DON’T KNOW HIS GIRLFRIEND, SHE’S NOT
YOUR PROBLEM . . . 248
RULE #54: NEVER GO TO SLEEP HORNY . . . 252
RULE #55: FUCK THE RULES . . . 258
Q&A WITH A DEPRAVED BITCH . . . 264
GLOSSARY . . . 268
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS . . . 272
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AUTHOR’S NOTE
The following fuckery was performed by professional
sluts and must not be attempted by anyone on the
JV team. Be fully aware that recreating some of
the actions you’re about to read may lead you to be
(a) punched in the vagina, (b) banned from the bar,
(c) thrown into rehab, (d) arrested, or (e) all of the
above. All names, locations, characteristics, and some
facts have been changed.
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INTRODUCTION