The Erotic Mind PDF
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THE EROTIC MIND Unlocking the Inner Sources of Sexual Passion and Fulfillment JACK MORIN. Ph.D. DEDICATION To the men and women who revealed their erotic secrets so that others might be inspired to explore their own CONTENTS DEDICATION INTRODUCTION SEX AND SELF-DISCOVERY PART I: REALMS OF PASSION 1 PEAK EROTIC EXPERIENCES 2 THE EROTIC EQUATION 3 FOUR CORNERSTONES OF EROTICISM 4 EMOTIONAL APHRODISIACS 5 YOUR CORE EROTIC THEME PART II: TROUBLESOME TURN-ONS 6 WHEN TURN-ONS TURN AGAINST YOU 7 SEX AND SELF-HATE 8 WINDS OF CHANGE PART III: POSITIVELY EROTIC 9 LONG-TERM EROTIC COUPLES 10 SIGNPOSTS TO EROTIC HEALTH 11 EROS FULFILLED APPENDIX: THE SEXUAL EXCITEMENT SURVEY NOTES RECOMMENDED READINGS BIBLIOGRAPHY SEARCHABLE TERMS ACKNOWLEDGMENTS ABOUT THE AUTHOR COPYRIGHT ABOUT THE PUBLISHER INTRODUCTION SEX AND SELF-DISCOVERY Appreciating the mysteries of eros requires a new point of view. E ver since the sensation caused by Alfred Kinsey’s monumental studies of sexual behavior, we seem to have developed an insatiable appetite for this kind of information. It’s not simply that we’re voyeuristic or enjoy being titillated and entertained—although most of us do. Many of us also crave reassurance that we’re sexually “normal,” hope to resolve sexual problems, or look for ways to enhance our enjoyment. Others are wondering how to keep the spark of passion alive in long-term relationships or marriages. Never before have so many had so many opportunities to learn so much about sex. And yet the most important aspects of the sexual-experience are the ones we know least about and are most reluctant to discuss. For example, we know far more about which sexual acts people engage in, how often, and with whom, than we know about what makes some of these acts compelling. We are awash in facts and figures, yet relatively little has been written about what sex means for those involved—such as how it enriches their lives or helps them feel better about themselves. The greatest gap of all exists between our extensive knowledge about the physiology of sex and our relatively rudimentary awareness of the psychology of arousal—how our minds create, intensify, or restrict sexual enthusiasm. Considering how important these issues are for a satisfying sex life, our sketchy understanding here is nothing short of tragic. Sex therapist Bernie Zilbergeld puts it bluntly: More than anything else, arousal is what drives good sex. It is the spark. It is also the cornerstone of a sexuality based on pleasure rather than on performance. If you want more exciting and more satisfying sex, go for greater arousal.1 Almost everyone is aware that becoming aroused feels good. But how can we create greater arousal when we know so little about it? Why are certain people, images, and situations so much more stimulating than others? Why do individual preferences and patterns vary so dramatically? Why are most of us attached to specific turn-ons? And what do our turn-ons reveal about who we are and what we’re searching for? These and other unanswered questions about arousal lie at the heart of this book. To further our understanding we must broaden our interest beyond mere sex and explore the world of eroticism. The erotic landscape is vastly larger, richer, and more intricate than the physiology of sex or any repertoire of sexual techniques. The more mechanical and explicit aspects of sex are relatively easy to observe and translate into numbers and graphs, whereas the most rewarding and powerful secrets of eroticism are elusive, highly individualistic, and difficult to quantify. To make sense of it we must cultivate a whole new way of perceiving. WHAT IS EROTICISM? The modern concept of eroticism is rooted in Greek mythology. Eros was the young and playful god of love, son of Aphrodite, the goddess of love and beauty. At the most basic level Eros is the source of attraction and the craving for sexual love. Some Greek philosophers also saw Eros as the force behind all creation, his absence leading to decay and destruction. Sigmund Freud was drawn to this interpretation, associating eros— which he conceived as energy rather than a god—with his concept of libido, a combination of sexual drive and life force.* Eroticism can best be understood as the multifaceted process through which our innate capacity for arousal is shaped, focused, suppressed, and expressed. We’re born sensuous and sexual, but we become erotic as we receive both overt and subtle messages about ourselves from our primary caretakers and gradually integrate these messages with our experiences of touch, as well as the highly personal mental images and emotions that go with them. As we grow, the demands and ideals of our culture, along with the interpersonal dynamics of our families and communities, influence our responses profoundly. Eroticism is the process through which sex becomes meaningful. By the time we reach adulthood we’ve all discovered that, by itself, sex can be little more than a collection of urges and acts. But the erotic is intricately connected with our hopes, expectations, struggles, and anxieties—everything that makes us human. Whereas sex can be simple, by its very nature eroticism is complex, and from this richness true passions are born. It is also through the magic of eros that sex and our search for emotional closeness become intertwined. Sexologist David Schnarch defines eroticism as “the pursuit and delight in sexual pleasure.”2 This beautifully idealistic definition certainly describes those notable moments when we are able to express and celebrate our erotic selves without restraint. But it leaves out the fact that eros is energized by the entire human drama, including the unruly impulses and painful lessons that no one—except those who retreat from life— can possibly avoid. No wonder the erotic mind conjures up images of debauchery as well as delight. Because it is connected with all aspects of existence, I define eroticism as the interplay of sexual arousal with the challenges of living and loving. A PARADOXICAL POINT OF VIEW Your ability to probe the mysteries of the erotic mind insightfully—and to benefit from your discoveries—will be enhanced enormously if you consciously cultivate a stance toward the erotic that allows you to appreciate fully its rich complexity. The two predominant schools of thought in contemporary psychology—which I call the pathological and the neat-and-clean—have unwittingly limited our understanding of eroticism at least as much as they have advanced it. These two viewpoints extend way beyond psychology, permeating modern attitudes in countless ways.
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