The Emergency Sasquatch Ordinance: And Other Real Laws That Human Beings Actually Dreamed Up, Enacted, and Sometimes Even Enforced

309 Pages·2014·1.67 MB·English

by  Kevin Underhill

THE EMERGENCY SASQUATCH
ORDINANCE
THE EMERGENCY SASQUATCH
ORDINANCE
And Other Real Laws that Human Beings Have Actually
Dreamed Up, Enacted, and Sometimes Even Enforced
KEVIN UNDERHILL
Author of the Legal-Humor Blog Lowering the Bar
Table of Contents
Introduction and Disclaimer
In Ancient Times
PART ONE |
The first written law code we know about mentions beer.
Hammurabi was not a guy to mess around with.
Babylonian judges were fired after their first mistake.
But the river was never wrong.
The river frequently judged women.
Babylonian doctors also ran some serious risks.
The Hittites apparently stole each other’s doors.
For Hittite men, some partners were strictly off-limits, others … not.
I am not to blame, Your Honor, for the pig sprang upon me.
In early Rome, having a conflict of interest could be a capital
offense.
In Athens, each side got 10 gallons on the water-clock to make
its case.
Athenian juries had up to 1,500 members.
The original meaning of “strip search.”
There was no crying at Roman funerals.
Romans also had to keep an eye on wandering trees.
In Post-Ancient but Pre-Modern Times
PART TWO |
Under the Salic law, the fine for hitting somebody depended on how
hard you hit him.
Concerning the man who touches the hand or arm or finger of a free
woman.
Concerning abusive terms.
Concerning sorcerers and witches.
Concerning those who are poor but not so poor they don’t own a
fence.
The value of a Russian mustache.
The first to tar and feather?
The Laws of the United States
PART THREE |
Congress recently banned “lunatics.”
Fear of “infamy” is not a good reason to avoid testifying before
Congress.
Dairy farmers get reimbursed for fallout contamination, as long as it’s
not their fault.
You may be a member of the “unorganized militia” of the United
States.
One who knowingly packs apples in any unapproved barrel shall pay a
$1 penalty.
One good thing about losing an arm: you can legally use
a switchblade.
U.S. jurisdiction over space vehicles is based on the status of the
doors.
It’s legal to mail a live scorpion.
A tax deduction is available for certain charitable donations of properly
preserved dead animals.
Certain whaling captains are entitled to deduct up to $10,000 per year
from federal taxes.
You can’t patent an atomic weapon.
If you see an island covered in dung, you may legally claim it for the
United States.
George Washington is technically the highest-ranking U.S. general
ever.
The Laws of the States of the
PART FOUR |
United States
Alabama’s official state insect is a butterfly. It also has an official state
butterfly. Which is also an insect.
It’s illegal to maim yourself in Alabama, but only for certain reasons.
Confederate widows, if any, would still be entitled to a pension.
Billiard rooms can’t have any secret passages.
The machines of Alaska may not be deceived.
In Alaska, mooning someone is automatically “disorderly conduct.”
But Alaska is more tolerant of rioters than other states are.
In Arizona, it is technically illegal to knowingly shine a flashlight on a
peace officer.
Three states have official state neckwear.
Arizona has an official state butterfly, which it would like to make clear
is not protected.
There’s an official pronunciation of “Arkansas.”
There’s also an official possessive form of “Arkansas.”
Hijacking and carjacking are technically known as “vehicular
piracy.”
In California, comic books must be less than 80 percent mayhem.
A California real-estate agent must tell a buyer if someone has recently
died on the property.
Superfluity does not vitiate.
The law pertaining to frog-jumping contests.
If you manage to kill a great white shark in self-defense, you still have to
throw it back.
One may not soak a rabbit carcass for more than two and a half hours,
tops.
Nor shall one make false egg proclamations.
California’s official state animal has been extinct since 1922.
Something about huckleberry.
In California, you could be convicted of participating in your own
lynching.
It’s legal to break into a house to make an arrest—and also to break back
out again if it goes badly.
California is wise to your “not-a-U-turn-but-a-series-of-smaller-turns-
with-the-same-result” defense.
The boundaries of Colorado aren’t the ones described in its
constitution.
In Colorado, an officeholder is technically required to give “personal
attention” to his or her duties.
No nuclear bomb can be set off in Colorado unless the voters approve
it.
In Connecticut, you can’t hunt squirrels with dynamite.
Connecticut does not consider the Boy Scouts to be a “private military
force.”
If you gather up seaweed or manure, you can keep it if you take it home
within 24 hours.
Those finding an item worth more than $1 must file a police report.
“Punt guns” are no longer permitted in Delaware.
Feel free to do your worst to a woodchuck.
It’s illegal to tell people about marriage in any state other than
Delaware.
The oath-swearing provisions in Delaware were first enacted in 1852,
and they look it.
The “tongue-splitting” regulations, on the other hand, are much more
recent.
No puppet shows without a license.
In Florida, it’s illegal to molest a manatee.
It’s still legal to take a picture of a farm without written consent. At least
for now.
In Georgia, you can’t sell kids under 12 to a clown.
You also can’t steal human body parts from an accident scene.
It is legal to sell squirrel tails.
Benefit of clergy no longer exists.
You can’t tattoo anyone within one inch of their eye socket.
No noodling or grabbling without a permit.
It’s also illegal to “lay drags.”
There are laws that apply to ski resorts, but Georgia doesn’t have any
ski resorts.
A pay toilet is not a “bona fide coin operated amusement machine.”
You can’t ride a motorcycle in your socks.
In Hawaii, it’s illegal to harbor a mongoose.
You can take home all the driftwood you want, but only one gallon of
sand per day.
You can’t drop anything out of an airplane except water, sand, or
“paper handbills.”
State employees still have to work on Buddha Day and Bodhi Day.
Sorcery per se is no longer a crime in Hawaii.
In Idaho, cannibalism is against the law unless you can prove it was
really necessary.
In Illinois, consumers must be warned not to nuzzle a reptile.
They also must be warned not to wear bowling shoes outside.
It’s a felony to possess more than 37 lizards for commercial
purposes.
In Indiana, fighting’s illegal unless it is part of a carefully regulated
sport or is totally unplanned and spontaneous.
Pi has the same value in Indiana as it does everywhere else.
In Kentucky, lawyers and other “public officers” must swear they have
never fought a duel.
In Louisiana, it’s against the law to insult a boxer or wrestler during
a match.
It’s illegal to jump off a bridge in Louisiana, but only if you do it to
get attention.
You can get 10 years of hard labor for stealing an alligator in
Louisiana.
You can get jail time for making noise in a Massachusetts library.
In Mississippi, it’s illegal to tell anyone about polygamy.
Stallions cannot be kept in public view or within 100 yards of a
church.
Wait… pro wrestling matches might be rigged?
In Missouri, bear wrestling and related activities are not welcome.
In New Hampshire, rope dancers and ventriloquists must be licensed.
New Mexico considered a law requiring certain expert witnesses to dress