The Dilbert Principle: A Cubicle's-Eye View of Bosses, Meetings, Management Fads & Other Workplace Afflictions

343 Pages·1996·16.28 MB·English

by  Scott Adams

THE DILBERT PRINCIPLE. Copyright © 1996 by United Feature Syndicate, Inc. All rights
reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this book may be used or
reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of
brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews. For information, address
HarperCollins Publishers, Inc., 10 East 53rd Street, New York, NY 10022.
HarperCollins books may be purchased for educational, business, or sales promotional
use. For information, please write: Special Markets Department, HarperCollins
Publishers, Inc., 10 East 53rd Street, New York, NY 10022.
FIRST EDITION
Designed by Caitlin Daniels
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Adams, Scott, 1957-
The Dilbert principle : a cubicles eye view of bosses, meetings, management fads &
other workplace afflictions / Scott Adams,
p. cm.
ISBN 0-88730-787-6
I. Management. 2. Office politics. 3. Personnel management. I. Title.
HD31.A294 1996
650.1'3—dc20 96-388
98 97 96 RRD-H 40 39 38 37 36 35 34 33 32 31
For Pam
CONTENTS
Foreword: Big Opening ix
Introduction: Why Is Business So Absurd? 1
1 The Dilbert Principle 11
2 Humiliation 18
3 Business Communication 35
4 Great Lies of Management 51
5 Machiavellian Methods 62
6 Employee Strategies 91
7 Performance Reviews 101
8 Pretending to Work 112
9 Swearing: The Key to Success for Women 121
10 How to Get Your Way 124
11 Marketing and Communications 131
12 Management Consultants 151
13 Business Plans 162
14 Engineers, Scientists, Programmers, and Other Odd People 170
15 Change 196
16 Budgeting 201
1/ Sales 212
18 Meetings 220
19 Projects 227
20 ISO 9000 240
VIII CONTENTS
21 Downsizing 244
22 How to Tell If Your Company Is Doomed 264
23 Reengineering 2/4
24 Team-Building Exercises 280
25 Leaders 287
26 New Company Model: OA5 315
F O R E W O RD
BIG OPENING
These days it seems like any idiot with a laptop computer can churn out a
business book and make a few bucks. That's certainly what I'm hoping. It
would be a real letdown if the trend changed before this masterpiece goes
to print.
As some of you may know, my main profession is cartooning. It's a chal-
lenge for a cartoonist to write a whole book. Cartoonists are trained to be
brief. Everything I've learned in my entire life can be boiled down to a
dozen bullet points, several of which I've already forgotten.
You'd feel kinda perturbed if you bought a big thick book and all it had
in it was a dozen bullet points, particularly if several of them seemed to be
"filler." So my "plan for excellence" is to repeat myself often to take up
some page space. In marketing terms, this is called "adding value." And for
your reading pleasure I will include many colorful but unnecessary
metaphors. In fact, the metaphors in this book are more useless than a
weasel in a cardboard shirt.*
*I can't promise that the rest will be that good.

INTRODUCTION
WHY IS BUSINESS
SO A B S U R D?
Most of the themes in my comic strip "Dilbert" involve workplace situa-
tions. I routinely include bizarre and unworldly elements such as sadistic
talking animals, troll-like accountants, and employees turning into dishrags
after the life-force has been drained from their bodies. And yet the com-
ment I hear most often is:
"That's just like my company."
No matter how absurd I try to make the comic strip I can't stay ahead of
what people are experiencing in their own workplaces. Some examples for
the so-called real world include:
• A major technology company simultaneously rolled out two new
programs: (1) a random drug testing program, and (2) an
"Individual Dignity Enhancement" program.
• A company purchased laptop computers for employees to use
while traveling. Fearing they might be stolen, the managers came
up with a clever solution: permanently attach the laptop comput-
ers to the employees' desks.
• A freight company reorganized to define roles and clarify goals.
Management decided to communicate the changes by ordering
each department to build floats for a "Quality Parade."
12
THE DILBERT PRINCIPLE
• A manager at a telecommunications company wanted to reinforce
the "team" concept in his department. He held a meeting to tell
the assembled "team" that henceforth he will carry a baseball bat
with him at all times and each team member will carry a baseball
while at work. Some team members found a way to hang the base-
ball around their necks so they don't have to carry it. Others fanta-
sized about wrestling the bat away from the manager and using it.
• A company decided that instead of raises it will give bonuses if five
of seven company goals are met. At the end of the year the
employees are informed that they have met only four of seven
goals, so no bonuses. One of the goals they missed was "employee
morale."
Thousands of people have told me workplace stories (mostly through
e-mail) that are even more absurd than the examples above. When I first
started hearing these stories I was puzzled, but after careful analysis I have
developed a sophisticated theory to explain the existence of this bizarre
workplace behavior: People are idiots.
Including me. Everyone is an idiot, not just the people with low SAT
scores. The only differences among us is that we're idiots about different
things at different times. No matter how smart you are, you spend much of
your day being an idiot. That's the central premise of this scholarly work.