The Devious Book for Cats: A Parody PDF
Preview The Devious Book for Cats: A Parody
Contents Title Page Dedication Foreword: Pulling the Strings Reasons You Meant to Do That The Art of Swiping Food Cardboard Boxes Extraordinary Cats in History—Part I Cats and Arch-Villains Groom, Groom, Groom, Groom, Groom, Groom, Groom The Laws of Petting Secrets of Daredevil Cats Wake Up! Stowaway Stories Relatives and Ancestors Choosing the Perfect Gift Famous Cats of the Funny Pages What’s in There? Hunting Wild Game Kitty Litter, Explained For Black Cats—Making the Most of Superstition Shelf Swat The Legend of the Crazy Cat Lady Felinism An Illustrated Guide to Napping Extraordinary Cats in History—Part II Catnip Organizing an Effective Secret Mission Egypt: The Land We Once Ruled The Window Catfight! Five Moves You Should Know Careers for Cats Dogs How Emma Found Home Getting Away With It Cat Talk The Three Stages of Transcendent Contentment Life in the Barn Maneki Neko—The Good Luck Cat Staring Like a Pro Maintaining Your Quality of Life If Declawed What to Do When You’re Stuck Up a Tree Toying with Allergy Sufferers Keeping the Mystery in Your Relationship The Vacuum Cleaner: A Vortex of Terror Extraordinary Cats in History—Part III: Semper Feline The Scratching Post and Other Postmodern Forms of Control Your Attention Span Fat Cats Getting Something You Really Need Extrasensory Pussycats Booby-Trapping the Home In Defense of Your Discriminating Palate Your First Kitty Condo—Making the Leap The Pros and Cons of Being Sullen Outsmarting Your Toys Planning Your Next Vacation The Nine Lives of Mr. Champ Acknowledgments About the Authors About the Illustrator Copyright For Jim Davis FOREWORD Pulling the Strings C ats didn’t need to be domesticated. We have always been proud, shrewd, independent animals living life on our own terms. Fierce and noble, the Felis silvestris catus once ruled all she surveyed. We were worshipped by mortals and roamed wide as we pleased. Rodents and birds trembled at our approach, and the mere sight of a black cat sent even the most hulking human scurrying home. It was a good time to be a kitty. But cats are no fools. The perks of domestication were too good to pass up. Humans gave us everything we desired: ear massages, better health care, and a bounty of toy mousies. In return, they were permitted to bask in the majesty of our presence. It seemed a fair trade. Or was it? Has domesticity really been good for cats? Now kept indoors under the pretense of safety, we’ll often curl up on the couch for hours at a stretch, eat a couple of times, go to the bathroom in a box, and call it a day. Is that the life we want? When was the last time you stalked an unsuspecting bird, hunted pennies, climbed excitedly up the coats in the closet, or zipped wildly from one end of the house to the other in under four seconds? Sure, we get our share of wet food, and the occasional deliciously fishy treat. But ask yourself this: Who sets your feeding schedule—you or your person? It’s time we face facts. Domesticity has dulled our authority and bored us silly. Did you know that because of a sedentary lifestyle the average feline today uses a mere two to three of its nine lives? We might be living longer, but aren’t we living less? And what’s become of our haughty spirit, our famously sassy, standoffish personalities, and our legendary curiosity? Aren’t they languishing on that luxurious goose-down cat bed from the glossy pet catalogue? Cats have been content to take a comfortable backseat in life for far too long. The time has come to step out of the shadows and pull the proverbial strings in our households. Luckily, we can do it without giving up any of the comforts we’ve come to enjoy and expect. Of course, the question for most cats is “How?” The answers are in this book. It contains all the information needed to regain control of your sovereign destiny. In it, you will discover the secrets of how daredevil cats survive seemingly impossible, death-defying stunts. You will learn why the Egyptians worshipped your ancestors as gods, and why your person should do the same. You will find out all there is to know about kitty litter, and get to look at some fantastic pictures of glorious cardboard boxes. You’ll also be taught to stare like a pro, wake a sleeping person, and get away with practically anything. But what we really hope you find in this book is yourself—a noble creature who seeks to experience the wild, unrestrained joys hidden within the sheltered, pampered life you deserve. Reasons You Meant to Do That I n the human world, there is a thing called a “mistake.” There’s no exact translation in the feline language, but it basically means doing something you did not intend to do. The concept is quite confusing to cats since everything we do is done both correctly and on purpose. There are occasions, however, when our actions appear to resemble one of these so-called “mistakes” to humans, and this coincidence often produces accidental miscommunications. In the event of such a mix-up, you should have some prepared statements ready in order to avoid an incorrect interpretation of your actions. “Mistake”: Your head is stuck in a beer mug. Reason: Bavarian cats have long known that sleeping in dewy beer steins can refresh and smooth the coat. The hops, malt, and barley also provide an aromatic masking agent for mousing. Plus, there’s nothing wrong with a little nightcap. “Mistake”: You slammed headfirst into a screen window. Reason: There was a bug—a huge, megabug—right between your eyes that just wouldn’t get off. Well, it’s off now, isn’t it? What’s more, a powerful and graphic message that your face is strictly off-limits has been sent to the bug community.
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