The Complete Daily Cow

313 Pages·2014·64.143 MB·English

by  David R. Wyder

Dedicated to Nellie Gray Barrus
MOM
(1919-1993)
"Had a wonderful vacation in Roxbury at the school house.
David loved to swim in a stream by a huge rock.
Each p.m. the cows would come down for a drink."
(Baby Days, Vacations 1960 Nellie Wyder)
Don’t wanna sleep,
Don’t wanna die,
Just wanna go a-travelin’ through the pasture of the sky
Chapter One: Gatesway CEO Has Sex With Cow
Chapter Two: Bossy Tweed Wins Election
Chapter Three: Cows Face Extinction
Chapter Four: The Cowmercial Issue
Chapter Five: Escape From Feedlot No. 9
Chapter Six: Cowleone’s Cherry Busted
Chapter Seven: Remember The Alamoo
Chapter Eight: Miss Piggy Murdered
Chapter Nine: Cowpone Assassinated
Chapter Ten: Golf Crisis Looms
Chapter Eleven: Make Love Not Milk
Chapter Twelve: War On Bugs
Chapter Thirteen: The Cowstock Festival
Chapter Fourteen: Milk Strike Hits U.S.

GATESWAY CEO HAS
SEX WITH COW!
NORTH SIOUX CITY, SD-The serenity of the bovine world was shattered today
when local sheriffs officers arrested Bob Apple, the CEO of Gatesway
Computers, and charged him with sexually abusing a calf. The robust
manufacturing cowpany known for shipping their computers in boxes with a
Holstein motif had sales of over $7.7 billion last year. Local Persecutor Ludvik
Ramrod charged Mr. Apple with 13 counts of bestiality. If convicted the computer
moogul could face twenty years in prison. As cows in this small state choked on
their cud at the horrifying news, word up in the field is that more indictments of
digital dickheads doing cows is forthcoming.
COWTENTS
The latest sex scandal to rock the US erupted when a young and portly Holstein
Page 1 Cover Story
fashion model by the name of Ariola Bakery spilled the beans of her six month
Page 2, 4 Just Say Cheese affair with Apple to Daily Cow via email. She wrote that she was kept in a barn at
Page 3, 5 Cow News Gatesway headquarters where during the day artists would make paintings of her
Page 6 Celebrity Cowpies markings to design their shipping boxes. At night Apple would come visit and
Page 7 Cowmentary have sex with her. "He had this groovy-smelling long pipe that he seduced me
with. Our sex took place nearly every night but I soon grew tired of his ravenous
Page 8 Pinup
sexual appetite. He threatened to send me to hamburger heaven if I did not give
Page 9 DC Interview
in to his sexual advances."
Page 10 John Burroughs
Page 11, 12 Cow Sex Tales The straw that broke her back happened last week when Apple invited other
Page 13 Cow Physics digital kingpins to bang his bovine. They were introduced to her as "The Farmer
Page 14 When Cows Fly In The Dell" and "Goofy Guy with Glasses." All three spent the night ejaculating
Page 15 Butcher Stew on her favorite muu muus which have since been turned over to local
persecutors for DNA testing. Also, unbeknownst to the billionaire bovine
Page 16, 17 Cowmics
bangers, a friend of Bakery's installed a video camera in the barn a few days
Page 18, 19 Vampire Cow
earlier and a record now exists of these crapitalists having their way with the
Page 20 Cowetry
nubile calf. After that nights debauchery, Ariola finally broke free from her stall
Page 21 DC Stamps and enlisted the aid of local animal activists who spirited her away to Dr. Jack
Page 22 Kale Off's Hoe Barn in Michigan.
Page 23 Alfalfa
Page 24 Feedback Reaction from the bovine cowmunity has been muted but current leader Bossy
Tweed did release a statement while barnstorming Iraq in search of the perfect
Page 25 Happy Birthday
veil. "These three wise ass men worth billions are nothing more than
Page 26 Cowmercials
sanctimonious scumbags. Cows be on the alert! We are now surrounded by
Page 27 Dummy Cow
digital degenerates who have created a manipulative, ad-driven culture whose
Page 28 The End Plop main product is misinformation. Their ejaculate contains a steady stream of
distortions, exaggerations and lies. Our moos for virtue, morality and truth ring
WINTER GRAZE UPDATE hollow in their world of profit and legal fraud. Do not look for redress from their
Avoid cliches like the plague. When justice system. I implore all farm animals to run for the hills and wear chastity
belts!
you come down to it all you have is
yourself. The sun is a thousand rays
Their government spends billions protecting its citizens from Middle East
upon your udder. Watch out for terrorism but does little to protect it from these bogus bulls running wild on Wall
sexual predators. Street and in our barns. Big business cowglomerates and government
cheeseheads are in cowhoots with one another and bestiality is their latest dark
COMING SOON and dirty secret. These butchers of information with their oversized brains and
puny peckers must be stopped! To this end I have assigned special agents from
The Dead End Cows
our Cow Underground Nerve Tactical Squad (CUNTS) to target these bovine
boffers and bomb them with treated manure gas which will render them impotent
forever!"
The 10 Year Anniversary Issue of
Daily Cow (1988-1998)
(continued back cover)
“It’s a sad day for American Capitalism when a CEO can’t sodomize a cow
in the morning and fly a kite over Central Park in the afternoon.”
(Bob Apple after being arrested)
OK, so it’ not a bull but a Holstein named Ariola. She accompanied
Gatesway CEO Bob Apple to the New York Stock Exchange when the
company made its Big Board debut. The direct marketer of personal
computers, which uses a cow figure on its boxes, said it had toyed with
the idea of having MOO as its stock symbol but settled for GTW
instead. (09/09/08)
LIBRARY BANS COWS TOMB OF THE UNKNOWN COW
Passaic, NJ-The Orange Julius Frostman Library on Atlantic City, NJ-A monument honoring cows was
Gregory Avenue has had it with cows. Since unveiled yesterday adjacent to the Taj Mahal Casino.
September a herd of rowdy bovines has taken over the The Tomb of the Unknown Cow honors the millions
library creating havoc for the staff and their of working cows in America who have been
customers. slaughtered and milked to feed this wonderful
According to Head Custodian Robert Holstein, cows consumption-driven nation in the past century. The
have eaten up all the grass and shrubbery outside. garish structure, in the shape of a classic cow, stands
They also drop massive cowpies on the sidewalk and on a solid gold pedestal, painted in a black & white
three patrons were recently injured when they slipped motif, spans a city block and stands three stories high.
and fell into the manure. Once inside, the bulky Designed by world renowned architect Ophelia Crack,
bovines knock over the chairs, tables and displays and it is estimated to have cost over 20 million dollars to
have even been caught in the restroom having sex with construct.
each other. Milk stains are all over the carpet. They The 1st floor is a museum dedicated to a nation of
constantly moo so loud that shushing bookworms unknown and dead cows. Visitors enter through an
cannot cowncentrate on their reading. Many of the area marked "use udder door" and are given a one
cows have even charged the library staff when told to hour tour entitled "The Wonderful World of Bovines."
pay fines for overdue books and viciously slapped Highlights include exhibits devoted to Clarabella,
them in the mouth with their tails. Elsie Borden, various dairies, beef companies, cutlery
Head Librarian Rhoda Dick is outraged. "These and farming. An electronic talking cow named
salacious, stupid, and smelly animals can't read. All Buttercup Bonanza follows visitors on the tour and
they do is look at the pictures and moo. Libraries demonstrates the entire process of how milk is made
should be for people not animals, but in Passaic it's whilst munching on artificial hay. A souvenir shop
getting hard to tell the difference! One Indian patron sells milk, ice cream, cheese, leather goods, and cow
told me that these grounds belong to the cows and that figurines. In one room you can milk a live cow and in
in his country they are allowed everywhere. I bitch another a live cow is butchered. A special prayer-
slapped him upside the head and told him that he was scream room has been included for people to give
in America now and these cows belong in McDonald's their devotions to these special animals who have
not the Public Library!" given so much and asked for so little in return.
We contacted City Hysteerian Mork Acerbate to give The 2nd floor contains a new casino called the Cash
us the lowdown and he thanked us for waking him up Cow Casino where over 400 new video slot machines
because he did not have an alarm clock: "Did you with a bovine theme are ready to suck the moola out of
know that Hitler was a vegetarian? We must kill these feverish gambler's pockets. Slot machines include
cows immediately. What if they spread mad cow Udder Mania, Milk Money, Moo Money, Haywire,
disease to Agendaville's citizens? My research on this Meat Millions, Hay Fever, Leather Lucre, Dairy
subject has shown that the library grounds use to be an Dollars, Bet The Farm, Purple Cow Sevens, Bovine
ancient stud barn for a breed of bovines known as Bucks, and the very popular Cud Cash. The Udder
Shirelles. However, they sold this land in 1909 to OJ Mania progressive jackpot winner gets a herd of
Frostman and legally have no claim to the land." Jersey cows and a farm in upstate New York. A
In recent days Passaic Police Chief Rusty Zipper has special prayer-scream room is also included on this
beefed up security at the Library and vows that any floor for gamblers who have given so much and gotten
cow found within 100 feet of the building will be s o little in
arrested for trespassing. "Here in Agendaville we don't return.
have to be prodded to deal with our cattle problems.
These arrogant and bossy cows will be driven from the
library pronto."
As usual the blame for the cow flap fell at the fungus
feet of DAILY COW publisher David Mooey. Since
mooving in July from 121 Gregory Avenue (just down
the street from the Public Library) to 87 Richard
Street (the udder side of town), cows have no place to
hang out. His vast cowlection of books and cow
archives are currently in a storage bin on River Drive
making them inaccessible to the bovine population.
When pressed for a statement the Ritalin-popping
Mooey said, "When the hallowed corridors of a
library are heavy with the scent of cow, it is the end of
living and the beginning of survival. We will reclaim
our sacred breeding ground."
COWS GET WIRED-Thanks to the efforts of Bovine Billionaire Bea “Babs” Boobinsky cows
now have Internet access. Her company, Pasture Internet Slip Stream (PISS), developed a
special heavy duty foot mouse and slick tongue moodem which has enabled bored with grazing
bovines the opportunity to surf the web while grazing. Pictured above are cows “on line”
waiting to get “online” and chat up a herd of cows in Bullgaria. PISS reports that cows log onto
pages devoted to food, sky diving, Laverne & Shirley and download pictures of bulls.
MILK MOOGUL MONICOW LEWSTINKY-The smartest cow in the world starts her
publicity tour in Washington, DC and signs her new book for smart human children. She
introduced into their young vocabularies the meaning of words like “hummer,” “blowjob,”
“oral sex,” and “genitalia,” which were previously unknown to most young nippers. In
addition, her dairy advertisements for that “other white liquid” have stimulated deflated milk
sales making her the savior of farmers all across the land. Next up? A promo for milker’s knee
pads!
UDDER BRAS TAKE HOLD FLANK SINATRA
Ogletown, DE- When it comes to udders, American BUYS THE FARM
cows get a T rating (for titanic) at least in cup size.
Crapo, MD- Beloved crooner, bullshit artist and
According to a survey by Merrill Lynch ("We're
reputed mobsteer Flank Sinatra passed away last night
Bullish on America") almost 44% of American cows
after a two year battle with Hoof In Mouth Disease. A
now wear bras. The bovine brassieres are
manufactured by a Twin Peaks, California company month prior to his death he was able to record one last
called Bovine Udder Bras Amalgamated (BUBA) song entitled "Scooby Dooby Moo" which was
which reported profits of over $36 million dollars last released yesterday and shot to the top of the charts
year. with a bullet.
Farmers continue to complain about this latest fashion The bull with the golden throat had many hits over the
trend citing the time it takes before and after milking
years including "The Bossy Is A Tramp," Kick Your
to unhook and rehook the bras to the udder. "It cuts
Ass In The Grass," "Heifers In The Night,"
down on our productivity and besides we like to see
"Something In The Way She Moos" and "Milkman
them swinging those loaded cannons when they come
into the barn. Now with them holstered we ain't getting Magic." He barnstormed the world over and delighted
titillated no more. It's just another boring day in the farm animals with his big barn concerts. Born in
milking parlor for us with these prudish cows," said Cheesequake, New Jersey the skinny bull with blue
unhappy farmer Dick Wacker. eyes found the world of entertainment more to his
In addition, the survey showed that 42% of the cows liking than a male bovines usual career in studom.
thought their udders were pear shaped, 40% said they
His string of six marriages over the years to the likes
were pendulous, and 18% said they looked like milk
of Josie Bigbooty, Mary Humpstone, Barb Dwyer,
bags. The survey concluded that cows are getting
Mary Christmas, Penny Pincher and the underage
more modest about their private parts as they enter the
Uretha Franklin all ended in bitter acrimony. His well
21st century. A majority would even consider stepping
into underwear and lingerie when they hit the market! publicized penile reduction surgery ten years ago
scandalized the bovine world. Flank's lack of progeny
BUTT MASSAGE MAY over the years led many to whisper that he was
HELP BOVINES impotent. He often got in trouble with the law for
being friendly with members of the Milk Mafia and
Jolly Dump, SD- If a farmer tells you to "stick it where
trampling anyone who got in his way. Flank Sinatra
the sun don't shine," they might be doing you a favor.
will be buried next week at his summer farm in Weed
According to Dr. Ben Dover a sex-cum-proctologist-
cum-veterinarian, a finger up your cow's bottom for 30 Heights, Nevada. The inscription on his tombstone is
seconds a day can improve her health. The good purported to be: "Always be sincere, even if you don't
doctor (who we refused to shake hands with) mean it."
explained to us that "sphincter tension" is a major
cause of death in cows today. He says the best way to GAY HUNGER STRIKE ENDS
relieve this tension is by shoving a clean finger up
Sandwich, NH- An emaciated Guernsey named Lizz
their rear ends at least twice a day. "These cows are
under tremendous amounts of pressure to produce B. Ann ended her three month hunger strike yesterday
unlimited quantities of milk and deliver prize calves. saying that by becoming a vegetable she was only
They are overworked, constipated, and pissed off at serving the interests of her enemies. Ms. Liz B. Ann, a
the world. When I give them the finger they smile at resident of Dyke Brothers Farm, and other
me and go on to lead productive lives." homoosexual cows is upset that they are being
segregated from each other and not allowed to lead a
Many bovine health experts like Howie Feltersnatch
homogenized life together.
are poo-poohing Dover's claims saying that most
assholes like to be left alone. "This notion that cow
In a statement released to the Internet newsgroup
sphincters are tense is asinine. I have never been
around a cow who didn't let fly with her fecal calling alt.butch.cows she explained: "As calves we are
card within 15 minutes of meeting me. They are the branded queer, separated from the herd, and as soon as
most relaxed creatures on the face of this fertile earth we approach adulthood butchered in order to erase our
and have very little stress to deal with. This crackpot genetic bloodline. All we are asking is not to be
Ben Dover is a filthy pervert dispensing suppository bullied (we prefer artificial insemination) and the
advice to a nation of farmers who will listen to any
opportunity to marry our sisters and live out our lives
quack with a degree when they get behind in their
in contentment. All beings, regardless of sexual
payments to the bank. The digital age of farming
orientation, must be treated equally. Give Me Tongue
means computerized pie and flow charts not fingers in
Or Give Me Death!"
the derriere (dairyair!)."