The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read PDF
Preview The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read
Philippa Perry T H E B O O K Y O U W I S H Y O U R PA R E N T S H A D R E A D ( A N D Y O U R C H I L D R E N W I L L B E G L A D T H AT Y O U D I D ) Contents Foreword Introduction PART ONE: YOUR PARENTING LEGACY The past comes back to bite us (and our children) Rupture and repair Repairing the past How we talk to ourselves Good parent/bad parent: the downside of judgement PART TWO: YOUR CHILD’S ENVIRONMENT It’s not family structure that matters, it’s how we all get on When parents aren’t together How to make pain bearable When parents are together How to argue and how not to argue Fostering goodwill PART THREE: FEELINGS Learning how to contain feelings The importance of validating feelings The danger of disallowing feelings: a case study Rupture and repair and feelings Felt with, not dealt with Monsters under the bed The importance of accepting every mood The demand to be happy Distracting away from feelings PART FOUR: LAYING A FOUNDATION Pregnancy Sympathetic magic What’s your parent tribe? The baby and you Making your birth plan Debriefing from the birthing experience The breast crawl The initial bond Support: to parent we need to be parented in turn Attachment theory Coercive cries Different hormones, a different you Loneliness Post-natal depression PART FIVE: CONDITIONS FOR GOOD MENTAL HEALTH The bond The give and take, to and fro of communication How dialogue begins Turn-taking When dialogue is difficult: diaphobia The importance of engaged observation What happens when you’re addicted to your phone We are born with an innate capacity for dialogue Babies and children are people too How we train our children to be annoying – and how to break that cycle Why a child becomes ‘clingy’ Finding meaning in childcare Your child’s default mood Sleep What is sleep nudging? Helping, not rescuing Play PART SIX: BEHAVIOUR: ALL BEHAVIOUR IS COMMUNICATION Role models The winning and losing game Going with what is working in the present rather than what you fantasize may happen in the future The qualities we need to behave well If all behaviour is communication, what does this or that inconvenient behaviour mean?: Investing time positively earlier rather than negatively later Helping behaviour by putting feelings into words When explanations are unhelpful How strict should a parent be? More on tantrums Whingeing Parental lying Children’s lies Boundaries: define yourself and not the child Setting boundaries with older children and teenagers Teenagers and young adults And finally: when we’re all grown up Epilogue Further Reading/Listening/Watching Acknowledgements Index About the Author Philippa Perry has been a psychotherapist for the past twenty years. A faculty member of The School of Life, she has presented several documentaries including The Truth about Children Who Lie for BBC Radio 4 and Being Bipolar for Channel 4. Most recently, Philippa has worked on a BBC Radio 4 programme, The Age of Emotion, and contributed towards the radio documentary Humiliation. She lives in London with her husband, the artist Grayson Perry, and her cat Kevin. They have one grown-up daughter, Flo. This book is dedicated with love to my sister Belinda Foreword This is not a straightforward parenting book. I’m not going to go into details about potty-training or weaning. This book is about how we have relationships with our children, what gets in the way of a good connection and what can enhance it. It’s about how we were brought up and how that has a bearing on how we parent, about the mistakes we’ll make – especially those we never wanted to make – and what to do about them. You will not find many tips, tricks or parenting hacks in this book, and at times it may upset you, make you angry or even make you a better parent. I wrote the book I wish I had read as a new parent, and I really wish my parents had read it. Introduction Recently, I watched a stand-up routine by the comedian Michael McIntyre in which he said there are four things we need to do with our children: get them dressed, feed them, wash them and put them to bed. He said before he had his children he had a fantasy that being a parent would be all running through meadows and eating picnics, but the reality was that each day was an ongoing battle getting them to do just these four basic things. There was much laughter from the audience as he described persuading them to have their hair washed, to put on a coat, to go outside or to eat a vegetable. It was the laughter of parents, maybe parents like us, who’ve been there too. Being a parentfn1 can be hard work. It can be boring, dispiriting, frustrating and taxing while at the same time being the funniest, most joyful, most love- filled, brilliant thing you’ll ever experience. When you’re bogged down in the minutiae of nappies, childhood illnesses, tantrums (toddler and teenager), or when you’re doing a full day’s work and coming home to your real work, which includes scraping banana out of cracks in the high chair, or another letter from the headteacher summoning you to the school, it can be hard to put being a parent in perspective. This book is about giving you that big picture, to help you pull back, to see what matters and what doesn’t, and what you can do to help your child be the person they can be. The core of parenting is the relationship you have with your child. If people were plants, the relationship would be the soil. The relationship supports, nurtures, allows growth – or inhibits it. Without a relationship they can lean on, a child’s sense of their security is compromised. You want the relationship to be a source of strength for your child – and, one day, for their children too. As a psychotherapist, I’ve had the experience of listening to and talking to people who struggle with different aspects of parenting. Through my work I have had the opportunity to look at how relationships become dysfunctional – and what makes them work well again. The objective of this book is to share with you what is relevant when it comes to parenting. This will include how to work with feelings – yours and theirs – how to attune yourself to your children so you can learn to understand them better and how to have a real connection with them rather than getting stuck in exhausting patterns of conflict or withdrawal. I take the long-term view on parenting rather than a tips-and-tricks approach. I am interested in how we can relate to our children rather than how we can manipulate them. In this book I encourage you to look at your own babyhood and childhood experiences so that you can pass on the good that was done to you by your own upbringing and hold back on the less helpful aspects of it. I’ll be looking at how we can make all our relationships better and good for our children to grow up among. I’ll cover how our attitudes in pregnancy can have a bearing on our future bond with our child, and how to be with a baby, a child, an adolescent or an adult child so you can have a relationship with them that is a source of strength to them and satisfaction to you. And, along the way, have far fewer battles about getting them dressed, fed, washed and put to bed. This book is for parents who not only love their children but want to like them too.
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