The Bizarro Starter Kit (blue)

244 Pages·2007·12.81 MB·English

by  Steve Aylett

The
STARTER KIT
AN INTRODUCTION TO THE BIZARRO GENRE
BIZARRO BOOKS
Portland * Seattle * Baltimore
www.bizarrocentral.com
BIZARRO BOOKS
205 NE BRYANT
PORTLAND, OR 97211
IN COOPERATION WITH:
WWW.ERASERHEADPRESS.COM
WWW.AFTERBIRTHBOOKS.COM
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ISBN: 1-933929-62-6
Copyright © 2007 by Ray Fracalossy, Jeremy C. Shipp, Jordan Krall, Mykle
Hansen, Andersen Prunty, Eckhard Gerdes, Bradley Sands, Steve Aylett,
Christian TeBordo, Tony Rauch.
Cover design by Carlton Mellick III
Figure model used for cover image: Erin Nolan
Edited by: Team Bizarro
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in
any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying,
recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without the
written consent of the publisher, except where permitted by law.
Printed in the USA.
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Defining Bizarro . . . 5
Ray Fracalossy . . . 6
Fun With Dan and Joan . . . 7
Body in Motion . . . 7
The Intruder . . . 8
The Birthday Party . . . 9
Cornflakes . . . 9
The Man Who Saw Giraffes . . . 10
The Quest . . . 10
The Surprise Party . . . 11
A Child’s Guide to Real Small Planets . . . 12
The Dinner Party . . . 13
It’s a Jungle Out There . . . 14
Me and the Martian . . . 14
Jeremy C. Shipp . . . 16
Flapjack . . . 17
Jordan Krall . . . 36
The Longheads . . . 37
Mykle Hansen . . . 62
Monster Cocks . . . 63
Andersen Prunty . . . 88
The Devastated Insides of Hollow City . . . 89
Eckhard Gerdes . . . 108
Nin and Nan . . . 109
Bradley Sands . . . 138
Cheesequake Smash-up . . . 139
Steve Aylett . . . 168
Shamanspace . . . 169
Christian TeBordo . . . 188
The Order of Operations . . . 189
Tony Rauch . . . 212
What You’re Missing . . . 213
Big Head . . . 220
At the Shoe Store . . . 222
The Egg . . . 223
The Stench . . . 224
As I Tumble Softly Through the Sky . . . 225
Something, Anything . . . 226
DEFINING BIZARRO
1. Bizarro, simply put, is the genre of the weird.
2. Bizarro is the literary equivalent to the cult section at the video store.
3. Like cult movies, Bizarro is sometimes surreal, sometimes goofy, sometimes
bloody, and sometimes borderline pornographic.
4. Bizarro often contains a certain cartoon logic that, when applied to the real
world, creates an unstable universe where the bizarre becomes the norm and
absurdities are made flesh.
5. Bizarro strives not only to be strange, but fascinating, thought-provoking, and,
above all, fun to read.
6. Bizarro was created by a group of small press publishers in response to the
increasing demand for (good) weird fiction and the increasing number of authors
who specialize in it.
7. Bizarro is:
Franz Kafka meets Joe Bob Briggs
Dr. Seuss of the post-apocalypse
Alice in Wonderland for adults
Japanese animation directed by David Lynch
8. For more information on the bizarro genre, visit Bizarro Central at:
www.bizarrocentral.com
LOCATION:
(or lotion for short) Freehold, N.J.
STYLE OF BIZARRO:
New Absurdism
BOOKS BY FRACALOSSY:
Tales from the Vinegar Wasteland
mOsbURAnD (an ongoing project)
DESCRIPTION: Ray Fracalossy dreams of writing full-time, while writing of
those trapped in full-time dreams. Humor is included at no extra cost.
INTERESTS: Absurdism, psychedelia, surrealism, spirituality, the metaphysi-
cal, coffee shops, pinball, the 1920's, U.F.O.'s, art nouveau, diners, krautrock,
playing guitar, the science of dreams and daydreaming, sushi and raw bars,
synchronicity, minimalism, potato chips, bizarre comic books, shots, being lazy,
puns and wordplay.
INFLUENCES: Lewis Carroll, Danill Kharms, Daniel Clowes, C.S. Lewis,
Roald Dahl, Barry Yourgrau, Shel Silverstein, Richard Brautigan, Alexander
Vvedensky, polycarp kusch, D. Harlan Wilson, Valery Ronshin, Ernie Bushmiller,
Edgar Cayce, Syd Barrett, Skip Spence.
WEBSITE:
www.myspace.com/rayfracalossy
(cid:15)
7 FUN WITH DAN AND JOAN
FUN WITH A BODY IN
DAN AND JOAN MOTION
Dan and Joan like to play. They pretend they There once was a man with a fully function-
are someone else. Pretend, Joan. Pretend, ing fully equipped body, and while you
Dan. They have a dog named Spot. Spot likes couldn’t say it was still in pristine, straight
to play too. Dan pretends to be Spot. Spot from the factory condition (having aged a
pretends to be Dan. No one pretends to be bit) it was operative, and suited him well, in
Joan. Joan pretends to be mother. “Mother, many day to day activities such as moving
come see!” they say. and sleeping, eating and resting. But like so
Mother comes out to play too. many things in these uncertain times, it was
Mother pretends to be a bookcase. Spot takes not to last.
a book out of Mother’s mouth. Read Spot First came his roaming eye, which
Read. “Oh Dan,” says Joan to Spot. usually only roamed for short periods of time,
“Yes Mother?” says Spot. but eventually began to call out altogether.
“It is time for dinner,” says Joan. The other eye followed suit, and eventually,
“Oh boy,” says Spot. both eyes left the premises, and the eyes
“We are eating Spot,” says Joan. closed permanently due poor attendance.
“This is stupid,” says Dan. Next his mind began to wander. It
“Dogs can’t talk,” says Spot. wandered deep into the woods one day, and
They pretend to eat Dan. Dan tastes no one has seen it since. It’s believed to have
good. Eat Joan. Eat Spot. Mother only eats gotten lost in a thought, and been unable to
books. find its way back.
Father comes home. Father kisses His lips, which had been warned on
Mother and Dan and Joan. Father licks Spot. prior occasions to keep their distance, began
Father asks Mother, “What is for to distance themselves even more, staying
dinner?” away from the body for good, feeling unim-
Mother says, “We are eating Spot.” portant and unappreciated. His hands, which
“Really?” says Father. had struck previously went out on strike for
“Really?” says Spot. good, and took the fingers with them, look-
“Yes,” says Mother. ing for better hours, higher pay, and an owner
Spot pretends to be a bird. He flies who didn’t scratch their unmentionables quite
away. Fly, Spot, Fly. so often. The man felt more betrayed by the
Father and Mother and Dan and loss of his hands than by his fingers, claim-
Joan pretend to be crab like creatures, and ing he felt he could never count on his fin-
crawl to the sea. gers anyway.
Next came the nose, which had run
for years, but this time had run for good, and
not looked back. Both his heels, his dick, and
ass left in a huff one night, mostly due to a
misunderstanding. They had found their
names to be derogatory, and felt that the man
(cid:15)
RAY FRACALOSSY 8
had been picking on them all these years, done by a 4 year old trained in modern art. It
and were fed up. The mouth and stomach looked to be a side profile, yet both eyes
became fed up as well. It wasn’t based on were clearly visible Picasso style, reminding
anything. Mouths and stomachs just do that. me of a cubist rendition done in crayon. Its
It’s their job. mouth was a meager squiggled line that ex-
The feet raised a big stink, and tended off the chin into empty space. I
walked out leaving a note which simply couldn’t tell if it indeed possessed a nose, or
stated, and I quote, ‘These feet were made if the bulbous mass I thought somewhat re-
for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do.’ sembled one was merely a sad attempt at a
End quote. poorly placed ear. He was over near my wife’s
The skin, which had flaked off and side of the bed in the process of leaning down
peeled away until it could set itself up else- to kiss her, if such a thing was possible con-
where, acted rather rashly, and sent for the sidering its mouth. I watched as the drawing
other layers. The ears heard about the body man’s tongue emerged from his wavy crev-
mutiny, and decided to stick it out for a little ice, and lapped the side of my wife’s face.
longer. Sound advice, seeing how they’d She stirred a bit, wiping his wet from her
been just hanging around for years. His teeth cheek, but seemed neither too bothered or
and hair had a falling out with the man. It was excited by his efforts. I laid there trying to
nothing personal, and purely genetic. His plan my attack. What sort of weapon did I
intestines crapped out on him one day, and have nearby that would be effective on a bad
his shadow disappeared on him gradually drawing? Who knew what strange powers
over the course of an evening. It was gone this monstrosity might possess? I didn’t want
by the time the man had turned the lights off to make any sudden moves, thus giving him
for bed. the upper hand (also ineptly drawn) and a
So the man, or what was left of him, chance to come at me.
discouraged because he was unable to hold His advances continued, and he
himself together, went to pieces. The ears, began caressingly gliding his palm the entire
always open, sold the pieces for medical re- length of my wife’s body. The cad. Two more
search the second they heard it was possible hands appeared, and began to search out
to do such a thing. The pair took the money even more erogenous regions. Was this some
they had earned and invested wisely. They how a pay-back for the times I had gotten
managed to retire much earlier than expected, erotic thrills from the Sunday funnies? Had
never having to rely on any sort of senior my lust for Blondie Bumstead and Aunt Fritzie
hearing aid like so many other ears they’d Ritz caused this apparition to hunt me down
known had been forced to do. in order to seek retribution and defile my wife?
He began to lift the sheets off of her in an
attempt to join us beneath them. I imagined a
full scale grope session, its malformed crayon
body bumping and grinding as it contorted
THE INTRUDER against her helpless flesh. I was both dis-
gusted, and I feel ashamed to admit, slightly
aroused, but this was neither the time nor the
place. . .well, maybe the place. There was only
one option left open to me. The gun, base-
ball bat, rat-traps, switchblade, hand grenade,
Last night I awoke in the early a.m. hours
stink bombs, and mace that we kept near the
startled to find a poorly drawn two dimen-
bed as our own private arsenal would be of
sional rendering of a man standing in our
no help to me here. I thought of my mentors.
bedroom. The drawing looked like something
(cid:15)
9 THE BIRTHDAY PARTY
What would Salvador Dali do in a surreal CORNFLAKES
situation such as this? And in a split second,
it came to me. Yes! An Art Exorcism! I blessed
myself with paint thinner and began.
Grabbing a copy of the New Oxford
Art Review, I flipped to its most vicious art
critiques and reading them aloud, watched in While eating breakfast this morning, I am sur-
vanquishing splendor as the hideous visage prised by a bomb hidden in my bowl of
grimaced and snarled, before turning into cornflakes. I had already poured the milk in,
what looked like the remnants of a chalk- too! I quickly examine the box, just to make
boards ledge, which I gathered and later sure A BOMB is not listed among the ingre-
smeared on paper and taped to the refrigera- dients. It’s not. I check the front of the box,
tor, as a symbol of my triumph! My wife claims uncertain if it had stated that for a limited
to remember nothing of the incident, although time, a bomb would be included in each pack-
she has of late developed an odd fear of mod- age. Nothing. No mention of bombs or weap-
ern art museums. onry of any sort. I sniff at the bomb. Should
I just eat it? A bomb may very well be consid-
ered a delicacy in some countries. Hell, I’ve
eaten stranger things.
I listen. It’s still ticking. I’m not sure
when it’s set to go off. I eat quickly. When I
THE BIRTHDAY finish off the last of the cereal in the bowl, I
lick the remaining flakes from the explosive,
and let out a sigh of relief. Mission accom-
PARTY
plished, I think. Then it dawns on me that I’m
still hungry. I look down at the bomb in the
bowl angrily, knowing that just because I won
the first round does not mean I will be so
lucky this next time. I refill the bowl with ce-
real and milk, sweat beginning to form on my
Steve blew out the candles on his birthday brow. I was so close. I had survived, but here
cake, and wished for a pony. A pony knocked I was tempting fate once again, simply be-
on the door. He asked for Steve. I told him he cause the only other clean bowl belongs to
had the wrong house. Steve asked me who my roommate. I can’t use it. We have an agree-
was at the door. I told him it was the repo ment.
man, here to take the cake back. Steve started Again I finish safely. As soon as I
to cry. I told him I was sorry, but that he am through, I place the bomb back into the
should learn to manage his money better. At cereal box. I’m returning it to the grocery store
that point, a seven inch woman jumped out where I bought it right after I shower.
of the cake. She shook her head angrily at I grab a fresh bar of soap and re-
Steve, as if ashamed. She started to head for move it from its package. A scorpion sits se-
the door. I grabbed a quick handful of cake, curely atop my lilac scented bar, clinging
and followed after her. We hopped on the tightly to it. I seem unable to shake it free. I
pony, and rode off into the sunset together, shower carefully, very slowly, with so much
stopping only occasionally for very odd sex. focus that I never hear my roommate return
But it’s alright. It wasn’t really Steve’s birth- home. When I am through showering, I gen-
day anyway. It was mine. And I got my wish. tly place the soap into the soap dish, dry off
and dress. I return downstairs to unfortu-
(cid:15)
RAY FRACALOSSY 10
nately find my roommate sitting at the kitchen unable to lose the extra pounds. And so on.
table nervously enjoying a bowl of cornflakes. It was a system that was as breathtakingly
intricate as it was mind numbingly compli-
cated. It involved as much study into the
world of marbles as it did knowledge of vari-
ous giraffes and how to spot their distin-
guishing personality features.
THE MAN WHO And it was while in study that the
man chanced to read about a giraffe of great
scarcity. It was the Indian albino short
SAW GIRAFFES
necked-giraffe. There were rumored to be only
two in existence. This presented the man with
a great challenge. A challenge not only to
find an Indian albino short-necked giraffe,
but to find a marble worthy of representing
such a rare beast. And so he set out on a
Once there was a man who saw giraffes. Not quest to find the rarest marble he could. And
in a social way, nor romantically. He saw them each time he found one, he’d purchase it,
on the side, in his spare time as a hobby. At admire it, and believe his quest was done
least that was the premise. He hadn’t seen until he encountered an even rarer atypical
any yet. But he intended to. And each time marble.
he did see one, he would remove a marble As the months went on, he became
from his marble bag, and drop it into his gi- more and more fascinated with the marbles
raffe jar. The giraffe jar was in actuality an old he was gathering, their odd colorings, their
cleaned out mayonnaise jar that someone lava like patterns. So much so that he devel-
familiar with both the man and his new hobby oped a system.
had presented him with as a gift, when the He began collecting leaves in a
last of the precious mayonnaise was con- book. Each leaf would represent a different
sumed as chicken salad. The man, thrilled marble. A red maple would be for cat’s eyes
with the gift, spent an entire day decorating that were reflective, but also extremely lonely.
the jar with glue and spray-painted macaroni A birch leaf was for a clear shooter that was
and glitter. He then decided it looked much
equal parts brash and impulsive.
too girlish for a giraffe jar, and spent the next
day returning it to its original state.
The man planned to use the old
mayonnaise jar as a diary of sorts. He devel-
oped an intricate system in which each col-
THE QUEST
ored marble represented the grade of giraffe
he had encountered. A red aggie meant the
giraffe was beautiful, but not above gossip
and over indulgence in sweets and liquor. A
pee wee tiger’s eye was for a tinier giraffe,
the kind with that knowing look in its eye,
and a certain lilt to its voice. A peppermint I’m on a quest. She tells me that it’s a scaven-
swirl signified the spying of an over-weight ger hunt, but as my eyes scan the list, I think
giraffe, the kind who, despite watching its I’m being had. Most of it reads like a shop-
diet and between meal snacking, and getting ping list, apart from the inclusion of three
lots of exercise, still somehow found itself high powered magnets and troll doll.