The Birth Of A Mother: How The Motherhood Experience Changes You Forever

216 Pages·1998·0.8 MB·English

by  Daniel N. Stern

Table of Contents

ALSO BY DANIEL N. STERN, M.D.
Title Page
Dedication
Acknowledgements
Introduction

PART I - Preparing to Be a Mother
ONE - Pregnancy: Preparation for Your New Identity
ATTACHMENT
TWO - Giving Birth: A Time of Transition
AT THE LIMIT OF YOUR CAPACITIES
THE FIRST CRY
LAYING THE BABY ON YOUR BELLY
THE GAZE
NURSING, AND A SHIFT IN THE CENTER OF GRAVITY
RECEPTIVITY AND ACTS OF PROTECTION
CONTENTMENT
THREE - Self-fulfilling Prophecies and New Roles
THE IMAGINED BABY FULFILLING THE MOTHER’S NEEDS
THE IMAGINED BABY’S EFFECT ON YOUR MARRIAGE
THE IMAGINED BABY AND THE FAMILY’S DESTINY

PART II - A Mother Is Born
FOUR - Ensuring Your Baby’s Survival
KEEPING YOUR BABY ALIVE
MAKING YOUR BABY GROW AND THRIVE
AM I A NATURALLY ENDOWED MOTHER?
A DIFFERENT LOOK AT A MOTHER’S FEAR
FATIGUE, THE TRIAL BY FIRE
FIVE - Loving: The Intimate Responsibility
FEEDING
PLAY
IDENTIFYING AND LOVING
SIX - Seeking Affirmation
THE PSYCHOLOGICAL SUPPORT OF OTHER WOMEN
THE REACH OF THE AFFIRMING MATRIX
MEMORIES OF CHILDHOOD: THE SILENT CONTEMPLATION
“WILL I BE LIKE MY OWN MOTHER?”—PATTERNS OF
ATTACHMENT
HOW MOTHERS ESCAPE THE DESTINY OF THEIR OWN PAST
SHIFTING TRIANGLES
SEVEN - One Mother Speaks
EIGHT - The Diary of Joey and His Mother

PART III - A Mother Adapts
NINE - Special Needs: Premature or Handicapped Babies
THE END OF THE FUTURE
LEARNING ABOUT THE BABY’S PROBLEM
SEEING PAST THE HANDICAP
IDENTIFYING WITH YOUR BABY
HOW THE MOTHER SEES HERSELF
OBSTACLES TO ATTACHMENT
OBSTACLES TO LOVING
REINVENTING THE MARRIAGE
BLAMING THE PARTNER
THREAT TO THE MARRIAGE
OVERCOMING THE OBSTACLES
TEN - Your Career—When?
POLITICAL AND FINANCIAL REALITIES
THE CONFLICT BEGINS
THE HEARTACHE OF THE DECISION
ELEVEN - Husbands and Fathers
CULTURAL BELIEFS
TERRA INCOGNITA
A FINAL WORD

Index
Copyright Page
ALSO BY DANIEL N. STERN, M.D.
The First Relationship (1977)
The Interpersonal World of the Infant (1985)
Diary of a Baby (1989)
The Motherhood Constellation (1995)

To Adrien and Alice
Acknowledgments
WE WISH, above all, to acknowledge the many mothers who in their normal
daily actions have inspired us, pointed out unseen directions, uncovered so many
things that we were not fully aware of, and who simply taught us. In a similar
vein, I (D.S.) am deeply grateful to my coauthor Nadia, and to Alison, for
putting every part that I wrote through the crucial test of their experience as
mothers.
Gail Winston, our editor, has been encouraging, critical, patient, and
impatient, each at the right time in the needed dose. Her help has been
immeasurable.
Some of the research and the writing of this book has been made possible
thanks to support from the Steven Ross family.
THE SHIFT FROM DAUGHTER TO MOTHER
You have always been your mother’s daughter, and this relationship, whether
good or bad, has always been near the center of your identity. When you have a
child, you begin to identify yourself primarily as a mother rather than as a
daughter. Your life as someone’s daughter becomes your past, just as your future
as a mother begins, with all its grand possibilities.
With this basic change, which takes place over a short period of time, you
may experience a profound loss as well as a wonderful gain. Either way, you
will never again be simply a daughter. This shift in identity is responsible in part
for the complex mix of emotions that most women feel following the birth of
their babies. This explains why it is possible to feel happy and sad at once—
happy about having a child and sad over what has been left behind.
TURNING TOWARD OTHER WOMEN
After you have a baby, you may be surprised by the way you perceive the people
around you. You might find yourself becoming more interested in the
community of women than you were in the past. Indeed, many new mothers
become less concerned with men altogether. Most new mothers grow more
curious about their own mother, for instance, and less about their father. You are
likely to want to know more about how your mother was years ago as a mother
to you, and less about how she is now either as a wife or a woman in her own
right.
Most of our established psychological theories view a woman’s relationship
with other women, mothers included, in light of their relationships with men. For
instance, when considering the interaction of two women, many psychologists
will view the relationship as two points of a triangle, with the third point being a
man, whether he is visible or not. This is another accepted theory that needs to
change. At this time in a woman’s life, when she has a new baby, it is more
accurate to see her relationships with other women as standing independent of
men.