The Autism Relationships Handbook: How to Thrive in Friendships, Dating, and Love (5-Minute Therapy) PDF
Preview The Autism Relationships Handbook: How to Thrive in Friendships, Dating, and Love (5-Minute Therapy)
THE AUTISM RELATIONSHIPS HANDBOOK How to Thrive in Friendships, Dating, and Love Joe Biel and Faith G. Harper, PhD, LPC-S, ACS, ACN Microcosm Publishing Portland, Ore THE AUTISM REL ATIONSHIPS H A N D B O O K How to Thrive in Friendships, Dating, and Love Joe Biel and Faith G. Harper, PhD, LPC-S, ACS, ACN Microcosm Publishing Portland, Ore THE AUTISM RELATIONSHIPS HANDBOOK How to Thrive in Friendships, Dating, and Love © 2021 Joe Biel and Fath G. Harper © This edition Microcosm Publishing 2021 First edition - 3,000 copies - March 23, 2021 ISBN 9781621066194 This is Microcosm #485 Cover by Lindsey Cleworth Edited by Elly Blue and Lydia Rogue To join the ranks of high-class stores that feature Microcosm titles, talk to your local rep: In the U.S. COMO (Atlantic), FUJII (Midwest), BOOK TRAVELERS WEST (Pacific), TURNAROUND (Europe), UTP/MANDA (Canada), NEW SOUTH (Australia/New Zealand), GPS in Asia, Africa, India, South America, and other countries, or FAIRE and GIFTS OF NATURE in the gift trade. For a catalog, write or visit: Microcosm Publishing 2752 N Williams Ave. Portland, OR 97227 https://microcosm.pub/htra Did you know that you can buy our books directly from us at sliding scale rates? Support a small, independent publisher and pay less than Amazon’s price at www.Microcosm.Pub Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Names: Biel, Joe, author. | Harper, Faith G., author. Title: The autism relationships handbook : how to thrive in friendships, dating, and love / by Joe Biel & Faith G. Harper, PhD, LPC-S, ACS, ACN. Description: Portland, OR : Microcosm Publishing, [2020] | Summary: “Ever since he came out as autistic, people have been contacting Joe to share their stories and ask questions. The most common question by far: how do I find a romantic partner? Dr. Faith G. Harper, author of Unfuck Your Brain and Unfuck Your Intimacy joins autistic publisher and author Joe Biel to offer hard-won guidance on a wide range of topics about friendships, dating, and romance and answer a ton of questions. What do you want out of a relationship? What is the difference between flirting and harassment? How do you have a fun date and get to know someone when eye contact and prolonged conversation aren’t your strengths? How do you change a casual acquaintance into friendship or dating? How do you express your needs and make sure you’re hearing your partner when they express theirs? How do you maintain a healthy, happy long term relationship? Autistic readers will find valuable answers and perspectives in this book, whether you’re just getting ready to jump into dating, seeking to forge closer friendships, or looking to improve your existing partnership or marriage”-- Provided by publisher. Identifiers: LCCN 2020024278 | ISBN 9781621066194 (trade paperback) | ISBN 9781621066224 (ebook) Subjects: LCSH: Autism. | Autistic people----Social life and customs. Classification: LCC RC553.A88 B522 2021 | DDC 616.85/882--dc23 LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2020024278 MICROCOSM PUBLISHING is Portland’s most diversified publishing house and distributor with a focus on the colorful, authentic, and empowering. Our books and zines have put your power in your hands since 1996, equipping readers to make positive changes in their lives and in the world around them. Microcosm emphasizes skill-building, showing hidden histories, and fostering creativity through challenging conventional publishing wisdom with books and bookettes about DIY skills, food, bicycling, gender, self-care, and social justice. What was once a distro and record label was started by Joe Biel in his bedroom and has become among the oldest independent publishing houses in Portland, OR. We are a politically moderate, centrist publisher in a world that has inched to the right for the past 80 years. Global labor conditions are bad, and our roots in industrial Cleveland in the 70s and 80s made us appreciate the need to treat workers right. Therefore, our books are MADE IN THE USA. CONTENTS INTRODUCTION 7 PART ONE 11 YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOURSELF INTRODUCTION 11 WHAT IT MEANS TO BE AUTISTIC (AND WHY THAT IS AWESOME) 11 HISTORY 17 AUTISM AS A SUPERPOWER 18 CHAPTER ONE 21 HOW TRAUMA FUCKS UP OUR SENSE OF SELF WHAT IS TRAUMA 21 HOW TRAUMA AFFECTS RELATIONSHIPS 24 ADDICTION 26 CHAPTER TWO 29 DEVELOP YOUR VALUES UNDERSTAND YOUR FEELINGS 30 FIGURE OUT YOUR BOUNDARIES 32 HOW DO BOUNDARIES WORK? 33 MAKING BOUNDARIES 41 HOW TO ENFORCE YOUR BOUNDARIES 45 CHAPTER THREE 47 UNDERSTAND YOUR SEXUAITY AND GENDER CHAPTER FOUR 51 LEARN FROM YOUR MISTAKES PART TWO 57 YOUR RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHER PEOPLE INTRODUCTION 57 CHAPTER FIVE 63 BUILDING BLOCKS FOR ANY RELATIONSHIPS UNDESTAND AND RELATE TO THEIR FEELINGS 63 DEALING WITH HURT FEELINGS 69 FIGURE OUT THEIR BOUNDARIES 72 CHAPTER SIX 75 FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS 4 CHAPTER SEVEN 79 FRIENDSHIP CHAPTER EIGHT 91 QUEER PLATONIC PARTNERSHIP CHAPTER NINE 93 DATING GETTING STARTED 93 ONCE YOU HAVE A DATE 101 STALKING 105 HOOKUP CULTURE 107 CHAPTER TEN 109 RELATIONSHIPS NEW RELATIONSHIPS 111 LOVE VS. DEPENDANCE 113 RELATIONSHIP RULES 114 CHAPTER ELEVEN 117 LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIPS LIVING TOGETHER 119 CHAPTER TWELVE 125 SEX SENSATE TOUCH EXERCISE 126 CHAPTER THIRTEEN 135 HEALTHY CONFLICT VS. ABUSE COERCIVE CONTROL 141 AUTISM AND ABUSE 145 OVERCOMING RELATIONSHIP TRAUMA 148 THE “NO” TEST 150 SIGNS OF A COERCIVELY CONTROLLING PERSON 151 RED FLAGS OF A MANIPULATIVE PARTNER OR EARLY STAGE COERCIVELY CONTROLLING PARTNER 152 COERCIVE CONTROL STRATEGIES WIELDED TOWARD LESBIAN, GAY, PLURISEXUAL, TRANS, AND NONBINARY INDIVIDUALS 154 GREEN FLAGS 155 CONCLUSION 157 FURTHER READING 158 ABOUT THE AUTHORS 159 5 6 INTRODUCTION W elcome. We wrote this book to save the lives of autistic people. That’s not overinflated ego on our part. In 2017, the American Journal of Public Health reported a study that the average autistic person only lives to be 36 years old. The leading cause of death is suicide because of social isolation—nine times more likely than our allistic (not neurodiverse) peers. Relationships, including friendships, are the biggest protective factor against dying by suicide. Other people in your life help you curb those feelings of loneliness and isolation while helping you keep pace in the rhythms of life with other people. Other people may not be able to fix everything that you are struggling with, but they can love and support you while you struggle. Additionally, those of us who are neurodiverse are twelve times more likely than the general population to be the victims of abuse from parents, teachers, and other authorities. These experiences lead to substantial trauma and problematic attachment styles that get in the way of seeking relationships and friendships even though healthy relationships are the best medicine to help us to better be supported and understand these events in our lives. Not to mention, having other people around in our emotional lives keeps us safer because others who care about us are watching and protecting us. Often this treatment manifests in the form of anxiety, depression, anger, addiction, maladaptive problem solving, trust issues, and trauma triggers that might not be helpful in the present for solving problems. Sometimes, when we need the most support, we lash out at others from fear of rejection. Pushing someone away before they surely will push us away is far safer for us, according to our traumatized brains. 7 Joe was diagnosed with autism at 32 and mentors half a dozen autistic young people. The number one topic that they ask about is dating and relationships. They want to know how to judge someone’s character, why their friends keep scattering, how to express interest, how to know if someone likes them, and how to know if someone has the same values as they do, i.e. is “a good person.” Of course, they rarely like Joe’s advice because these are not simple areas of personal growth. When you find stories in the first person throughout this book (e.g., “I had this experience”), that’s Joe talking. Faith is a therapist who works with numerous neurodiverse individuals. Two of her special focuses are trauma (which a lot of autistic people experience because of how neurodiverse people are treated in society; you can read about coping with trauma in her bestselling book Unfuck Your Brain), and relationships (which you can read about in the sequel, Unfuck Your Intimacy). She also happens to have a (now adult) child who is neurodiverse and would sob at night over how difficult and exhausting it was to understand other human beings, which of course made her want to punch the entire planet on a regular basis. Hopefully all of this means that she has a lot of wisdom to offer here, for the parts of your dating / relationshipping / intimacy that have to do with autism, the parts that have to do with trauma, and the parts that are hard for all humans (because sometimes it’s nice to know that the allistics are struggling, too). If you’re autistic or think you might be, this guide is for you. If you’re single and happy with it, or single and don’t want to be, or dating, or in a relationship that’s happy or unhappy or you just aren’t sure how any of this is “supposed” to work, or between relationships, or etc… this book is for you. 8
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