The Assertiveness Workbook: How to Express Your Ideas and Stand Up for Yourself at Work and in Relationships

250 Pages·2022·30.705 MB·English

by  Randy J. Paterson PhD

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skills grounded in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) to help you communicate more e
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effectively, improve social interactions, and express yourself with confidence and clarity.
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You’ll learn how to set personal boundaries, cope with criticism, and manage conflict.

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By learning to be more assertive, you’ll find that people respond more positively toward
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• Tips to improve social interactions—and your life!
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Assertiveness is a critical component of successful psychological coping.
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—Dan Bilsker, PhD, coauthor of Psychological Health and Safety
Randy J. Paterson, PhD, is a psychologist, and author of How to Be Miserable.
He is director of Changeways Clinic in Vancouver, BC, Canada; and provides training P How to Express Your Ideas & Stand Up for
programs across Canada and internationally on evidence-based mental health a
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practice. To learn more, visit www.randypaterson.com. e
Yourself at Work & in Relationships
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newharbingerpublications Randy J. Paterson, PhD
www.newharbinger.com
author of How to Be Miserable
Also available as an e-book
“If you’d like to be more assertive, the only question to ask yourself is, ‘Am I willing to do
something to help myself?’ If the answer is yes, congratulations! You’ve found a guide to ‘do
assertiveness’—that is, to be who you are and effectively assert yourself. Give yourself permis-
sion to get out of your own way, and simply follow Randy’s workbook. Identify what parts reso-
nate and work there; don’t fret about any parts that don’t. He’s giving you a gift to courageously
be you. And I’m cheering for you to do just that.”
—Molly Tschang, founder of Abella Consulting, and creator of
the Say It Skillfully radio show/podcast and video series
“The Assertiveness Workbook shows that it’s actually possible to have great relationships with
the difficult people in our lives. The secret? Change our own behavior, not theirs. I’m grateful
for this smart, pragmatic guide.”
—Charles Montgomery, author of Happy City
“This updated edition of The Assertiveness Workbook is authoritative, clear, practical, and
replete with evidence-based strategies to become a more assertive person. If you struggle with
how to give or receive feedback, state an opinion, or assertively confront others, this is the
book you have been waiting for!”
—Keith S. Dobson, PhD, professor of clinical psychology at the University of Calgary,
and president of the World Confederation of Cognitive and Behavioural Therapies
“The longer I practice cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), the more clearly I see that asser-
tiveness is a critical component of successful psychological coping. Randy Paterson’s assertive-
ness training workbook is the best resource available: user-friendly, evidence-informed, and
effective. It belongs on every bookshelf.”
—Dan Bilsker, PhD, coauthor of Psychological Health and Safety
“This is an exceptional book, full of sage observations and clinical wisdom from an accom-
plished therapist and author. Readers will be fully engaged by the lively writing, case studies,
and colorful examples used to illustrate key concepts. A great read!”
—Lynn Alden, PhD, clinical psychologist, and coeditor of
International Handbook of Social Anxiety
“Once again, Randy Paterson takes our current understanding of clinical psychology and
transforms it into a very readable, thoughtful, clear, and practical approach to solving the
problems that affect many of our lives. Combined with his self-effacing humor, he has made a
great clinical resource even better.”
—Ian R. Nicholson, PhD, past president of the Canadian Psychological Association
Praise for the first edition:
“Assertiveness problems—including excessive unassertiveness, aggressiveness, and passive-
aggressiveness—afflict millions of people, leading to suffering and undermining potential for
happy, fulfilling lives. In The Assertiveness Workbook, Randy J. Paterson combines science and
clinical experience to create the definitive guide for overcoming assertiveness problems.
Blending wisdom, wit, and compassion, this sophisticated yet highly readable volume shows
people how to improve their assertiveness in a structured, step-by-step fashion. It is essential
reading for anyone wanting to improve their assertiveness, and for therapists treating asser-
tiveness problems.”
—Steven Taylor, PhD, RPsych, associate professor at the University of
British Columbia, and associate editor of Behavior Research and Therapy
“This workbook will be a welcome resource to individuals currently struggling with assertive-
ness difficulties. It will not only help people tackle assertiveness issues, but also target such
important topics as need for control, conflict management, and even acceptance of compli-
ments. In short, it holds the potential to effectively change your life.”
—Brian Cox, PhD, CPsych, psychologist, associate professor of psychiatry at
the University of Manitoba, and author of more than one hundred published
research articles on anxiety disorders and depression
The
Assertiveness
Workbook
SSEECCOONNDD EEDDIITTIIOONN
How to Express Your Ideas & Stand Up for
Yourself at Work & in Relationships
Randy J. Paterson, PhD
New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
Publisher’s Note
This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the
subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in render-
ing psychological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling
is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.
NEW HARBINGER PUBLICATIONS is a registered
trademark of New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
New Harbinger Publications is an employee-owned company.
Copyright © 2022 by Randy J. Paterson
New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
5674 Shattuck Avenue
Oakland, CA 94609
www.newharbinger.com
All Rights Reserved
Cover design by Sara Christian
Acquired by Tesilya Hanauer
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Paterson, Randy J., author.
Title: The assertiveness workbook : how to express your ideas and stand up for yourself at work
and in relationships / Randy J. Paterson, Ph.D.
Description: Second edition. | Oakland, CA : New Harbinger Publications, [2022] | Includes
bibliographical references.
Identifiers: LCCN 2022011374 | ISBN 9781648480270 (trade paperback)
Subjects: LCSH: Assertiveness (Psychology)
Classification: LCC BF575.A85 P27 2022 | DDC 158.2--dc23/eng/20220309
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2022011374
Printed in the United States of America
24 23 22
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 First Printing
For Geoff

Contents
Preface to the Second Edition vii
Part One: On the Launchpad
Chapter 1 Being There 2
Chapter 2 The Four Communication Styles 12
Chapter 3 Ten Principles of Assertiveness 32
Part Two: Leaping the Barriers to Assertiveness
Chapter 4 Overcoming the Stress Barrier 46
Chapter 5 Overcoming the Social Barrier 57
Chapter 6 Overcoming the Belief Barrier 69
Chapter 7 The Assertive Mindset 79
Part Three: Becoming Assertive
Chapter 8 Becoming Visible: Nonverbal Behavior 92
Chapter 9 Being Present: Giving Your Opinion 107
Chapter 10 How to Accept a Gift: Receiving Positive Feedback 118
Chapter 11 Giving Helpful Positive Feedback 127
Chapter 12 Taking the Heat: Receiving Negative Feedback 138
Chapter 13 Constructive, Not Critical: Giving Corrective Feedback 156
Chapter 14 Defending Your Boundaries: The Assertive No 169
Chapter 15 Making Requests Without Controlling Others 179
vi The Assertiveness Workbook
Chapter 16 Countdown to Confrontation 190
Chapter 17 Constructive Confrontation 202
Postscript Being You 221
Acknowledgments 223
Assertiveness Scorecards 225
Request Worksheet 227
Additional Reading 229
References 231
Preface to the Second Edition
Whew. What a journey it has been.
Many years ago now, I attended the annual meeting of the American Psychological
Association (APA), a bewildering forty-ring circus of talks, seminars, posters, and symposia
spread over five days. The convention floors are quietest in the early mornings, when a good
half of the attendees are still abed, many of them hungover from reunions with friends from
younger, harder-partying days.
Not me. I knew hardly a soul and planned to make the most of my time. In a smallish
room, there was a session on writing and publishing in the self-help market. Long before, I’d
dithered between psychology and some form of writing as a profession. Having chosen the
first path, I was interested to see if there might be a way to follow the other as well.
I was managing a prevention-of-rehospitalization group therapy program for seriously
depressed individuals who had recently been discharged from inpatient care. Our eight-
session program seemed to help them, but it was clear that the tiny segment on interpersonal
boundaries was insufficient for many of our clients.
I had developed a second group protocol focused entirely on assertiveness skills—one
that graduates of the general program could attend if they wished. This proved immensely
popular, and the manual became part of a road-show workshop for mental health profession-
als. I became an assertiveness-training version of Johnny Appleseed, spreading “I” state-
ments and “broken record techniques” from chipped hotel lecterns across the country.
I tucked the manual into my backpack before setting out for the APA publishing session
and sat while a panel of clinicians described how they had turned their pet interests into
books. In the front row, a tall bearded man listened attentively. At the end, he turned to the
small group scattered around the room and introduced himself as Patrick Fanning, cofounder
of New Harbinger Publications. He echoed the sentiments of some of the panelists about the
feasibility of writing and actually publishing a book, then the session ended.
The downside of writing an assertiveness manual is that you can’t use shyness as an
excuse for avoiding opportunities when they knock. How could I face my clients if I slunk off
to an early lunch? I introduced myself to Fanning, bringing forth my photocopied manual
and feeling a bit like a second-grader at show and tell.
“We don’t really have an assertiveness book,” he said. “Can I take this to look at?”
Two days later I had a draft contract, and a little over a year later The Assertiveness
Workbook appeared. It gradually found its niche and over time became a standard in the
area. I was approached by newspapers, magazines, and radio outlets when they needed
someone to talk about assertive communication and interpersonal boundaries.