The Amy Binegar-Kimmes-Lyle Book of Failures: A Funny Memoir of Missteps, Inadequacies, and Faux Pas

213 Pages·2017·2.52 MB·English

by  Amy Lyle

A funny memoir by
Amy Lyle
Many stories in this book are true.
But some are lies.
© 2017 Amy Lyle
All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced in any form without permission from the publisher, except as permitted
by U.S. copyright law. For permissions contact: www.amylyle.me
Cover by Andrea Ferenchik
ISBN-10: 0998968404
ISBN-13: 978-0998968407
Table of Contents
GERMAN PROVERB
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME
BLENDING FAMILIES CAN BE … PROBLEMATIC
I’M A RIVER RAT
WHERE IN THE WORLD?
SAY AGAIN?
SIDE EFFECTS
CALL FROM SHARON THE VAGINA CALL
GETTING DIVORCED SUCKS
I WAS NOT TALKING TO YOU
I CAN SEE YOUR BUTTONS
DO YOU COME HERE OFTEN?
A BETTER PETER
OPPOSITES ATTRACT?
SOMETIMES MORE IS MORE
KIA DOUGHNUT
DON’T MAKE ME KILL YOU
SUMMER OF THE BURRITO
NICE TO MEET YOU
PROCEED WITH CAUTION
THAT ONE TIME WHEN WE BOUGHT A PORSCHE
YOU’VE WON, STOP FIGHTING
THE LORD, JESUS CHRIST
YOU HAVE THE WRONG SUSPECTS
THE LOSER CRUISER
WORST BIRTHDAY EVER
COLLEGE LIFE
JUST SAY NO
I AM OLD. I LIKE FACEBOOK
AMY AND ANNA GO TO CHINA
AMY AND ANNA ARE STILL IN CHINA
AMY AND ANNA ARE WEARING OUT THEIR WELCOME IN CHINA
CALL FROM SHARON THE SHE’S A WHORE CALL
ANTI-SOCIAL MEDIA
JOHN D. BINEGAR
IF YOU TEACH A MAN TO FISH
QUEEN GENEVIEVE
WE HAVE A SITUATION
CALL FROM SHARON THE PLUTO CALL
APOCALYPTIC THOUGHTS
RANT: EVERYBODY’S A PROFESSIONAL
WALMART IS AMERICA
WE’RE OUTNUMBERED
NO NEED TO SHARE EVERYTHING
THE ONLY SON
HELEN
ATLANTA LAWN AND TENNIS ASSOCIATION (ALTA)
HOT ITALIAN GUY #1 (NOT THAT INTO ME)
HOT ITALIAN GUY #2 (TOTALLY INTO ME, THEN NOT SO MUCH)
WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS MAKE CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES
MAKE BELIEVE LIFE
I DON’T LIKE REAL LIFE
FALLING LITERALLY AND FIGURATIVELY
FIFTY-FIVE HOURS A WEEK
I GOT FIRED
I AM AN ACTRESS
THINGS THAT AGGRAVATE ME
ONE SAD STORY
STEPMOMMYING IS SUPER F******* TOUGH
HAIR PROBLEMS
WHAT’S WRONG WITH THE DOG?
THE WRONG MESSAGE
IT’S YOUR VAJAYJAY
MY MOTHER
WHAT’S WRONG WITH THE BAND?
DOCTORS AREN’T FUNNY
AT LEAST I KEEP MY PANTIES ON
A WEEKEND IN KIAWAH
WELCOME TO HOLLYWOOD
NOT THAT THERE IS ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT
NOT TONIGHT, HONEY
AND IT’S NOT EVEN EIGHT AM
THEY GET INTO ALL THE CREVICES
IT’S MY FACE
TRYING TO GIVE BACK
WOMEN’S RIGHTS
I WOULD JUST DIE
WE NEED PROFESSIONAL HELP
CRUSHING YOUR PARENTS
SQUIRREL SLAYER
FREUDIAN SLIP
DO NOT MOVE MY CHEESE
DOG DAYS
LAKE LIFE
WHAT HAPPENS IN FLORIDA
FIGHT FIGHT
Finito
Calculate Your Perseverance!
Book Club Discussion Questions
Acknowledgements
About Amy Lyle
GERMAN PROVERB
As my husband{1}and I planned our wedding, my grandparents were celebrating
sixty years of marriage. My grandmother, a woman of few words, offered me
esteemed advice: “Let it be known. There will be very good decades and very
bad decade” And there were.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME
I’ve been married twenty years, not to the same people, but twenty years
nonetheless. I understand that a successful marriage requires being a good
listener, showing sensitivity toward others’ needs and wants, and practicing
unconditional love. I really struggle with being a good listener, showing
sensitivity toward others’ needs and wants, and unconditional love. I do,
however, offer loyalty and humor and I am a real wildcat in the bedroom.{2}

Everyone tells you to marry your best friend but I take exception to this advice
and have the divorce papers to prove it. Your best friend knows who’s on the list
of people you wish you could stab in the face; knows all your aches and
ailments; is the one that helps you try to narrow down whether you have
diverticulitis, irritable bowel syndrome, or a tumor in your digestive tract—
things you tell your best friend, not the person you're having sex with.

Before we got married, my second husband, Peter, asked me if I was certain I
could handle four children.{3} “Sure!” I answered confidently. I was a corporate
trainer for one of the biggest staffing firms in the world and thought, They’re just
kids. How difficult could it be? In hindsight, I gravely miscalculated the
prospect. I imagine it’s like Katie Holmes agreeing to marry Tom Cruise. She
presumably thought, So he believes in a Galactic Confederacy where people
arrived on a DC-8-like spacecraft seventy-five million years ago … he’s
adorable!

Sometimes you just get swept away in the moment and think you can handle
anything. It was only AFTER Peter and I got married that I realized that four
kids are way too many kids.
I knew I could succumb to defeat or keep trying. I opted for the latter and now
live by the motto: I am not a failure. … I’m just having a little bit of trouble right
now.
BLENDING FAMILIES CAN BE …
PROBLEMATIC
Peter’s Approach: Peter to kids: You lied about picking up your room. You
have broken trust. I think it was Luke—let me look it up (looks up verse on
phone)—yes, Luke 16:10. “Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be
trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be
dishonest with much.” Do you understand what that means? If I can’t trust you
to make your bed, how can I trust you to drive a car? Or go on a date? I lied to
my dad once and our relationship was never the same. We are all citizens in this
house and you have a very small, yet extremely critical role in this household.
One day, you will have your own house. Hey! Did you roll your eyes? That is
disrespectful!

Kids: You—
Peter: Do not interrupt me. Let’s discuss why I must tell you a thousand times.
When I was a boy— Kids: Oh my gosh.
Peter: Are you interrupting me again? I’m taking your phone for the day.
Kids: What?
Peter: Oh really? Now it’s two days …
My Approach: Me to kids: Hey, where are you going? Kids: Out.
Me: You didn’t clean your room so you’re not going out. Kids: What?
Me: Clean your room or you’ll be in tomorrow night too. I’m going to the
movies. See you later.

Peter and I may not agree on the process of discipline but we have common
ground on a consequence that works—manual labor.