The Adventures of Cancer Bitch

171 Pages·2009·0.68 MB·English

by  S. L. Wisenberg

MEMOIR — HEALTH “Wisenberg has walked through the Valley of
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Cancer and she is willing to tell all. . . . A smart, funny read
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from an excellent writer.”
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Audrey Niffenegger, author, The Time Traveler’s Wife
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E THE ADVENTURES OF
Wisenberg’s writing has been compared to a Cancer is S. L. Wisenberg’s muse, and Cancer Bitch is her blog. Drawing on a wealth of personal, S CANCER BITCH Canceris S. L. Wisenberg’s muse, and Cancer Bitch

mix of Leon Wieseltier and Fran Lebowitz, and in literary, and historical sources—from Jewish liturgy to the first crude mastectomies, from Anne O is her blog. Drawing on a wealth of personal,
this book she has Wieseltier’s erudition and Frank to Emma Goldman—The Adventures of Cancer Bitchcreates an indelible image of a polit- F literary, and historical sources—from Jewish liturgy
S.L. Wisenberg
Lebowitz’s self-deprecating cleverness: “If any- ically engaged, self-aware (sometimes neurotic) woman facing a daunting disease with equal to the first crude mastectomies, from Anne Frank
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body ever offers you the choice between suffering measures of humor, well-founded fear, and keen intelligence. to Emma Goldman—The Adventures of Cancer
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and depression, take the suffering. And I don’t Bitchcreates an indelible image of a politically
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mean physical suffering. I mean emotional “The Adventures of Cancer Bitch is witty and relentless, surprising and honest. Wisenberg has engaged, self-aware (sometimes neurotic) woman
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suffering. I am hereby endorsing psychic suffering walked through the Valley of Cancer and she is willing to tell all; this is a cornucopia of breast facing a daunting disease with equal measures
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over depression.” cancer information as well as a very smart, funny read from an excellent writer.” R of humor, well-founded fear, and keen intelligence.
—Audrey Niffenegger, author, The Time Traveler’s Wife
S. L. Wisenbergis the author of The Sweetheart Is B Wisenberg may have lost a breast, but she retained
In and Holocaust Girls: History, Memory, and I her humor, outrage, and skepticism toward
“Forget the sappy little pink ribbons. When chemotherapy takes S. L. Wisenberg’s hair, she turns T
Other Obsessions.The New Yorker,Ploughshares, common wisdom and most institutions. While
her bald head into an antiwar billboard. Read The Adventures of Cancer Bitchto meet a smart, C
Tikkun,theNew England Review,and the following the prescribed protocols at the place she
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funny, big-hearted woman who questions everything from her own mortality to career envy to
Michigan Quarterly Reviewhave published her called Fancy Hospital, Wisenberg is unsparing in
why nobody thinks the particulars of hair loss are as fascinating a subject for extended dinner-
poetry and prose, and her work has been widely her descriptions of the fumblings of new doctors,
party conversation as she does. Along the way, Wisenberg makes you proud to think that you,
anthologized, most recently in Rules of Thumb: her own awkward announcement to her students,
too, might possibly be a cancer bitch.”—Ruth Pennebaker, author, Both Sides Now
73 Authors Reveal Their Fiction Writing Fixations, S and the mounds of unrecyclable plastic left at
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Short Takes: Brief Encounters with Contemporary . a survivors’ walk. Combining the personal with the
“Frank, funny, fierce, and at times devastating, Cancer Bitchis a rare achievement. S. L. Wisenberg W
Nonfiction,and Creating Nonfiction: A Guide political, she shares her research on the money
has written a book of tremendous value for anyone who has ever had cancer or anyone who has i
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and Anthology. She is a codirector of Northwest- e spent on pink ribbons instead of preventing pollu-
ever worried about getting it; in short, everyone.”—Rachel Shukert, author, Have You No Shame? and n
ern University’s MA/MFA in creative writing b tion and the disparity in medical care between the
Other Regrettable Stories e
program as well as a visiting scholar in gender r insured and the uninsured. When chemotherapy
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studies at Northwestern. She also teaches at the made her bald, she decorated her head with henna
University of Chicago Graham School of General swirls in front and an antiwar protest in back.
Studies. Her blog Cancer Bitch can be read at During treatment, she also recorded the dailiness
http://cancerbitch.blogspot.com/. of life in Chicago as she rode the El, taught
$25.00
University of Iowa Press
while one-breasted, and attended High Holiday
Iowa City, Iowa 52242
www.uiowapress.org services and a Passover seder.
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Cover and interior book design by Craig Davidson 4 Civic
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Whistle sculpture by Connie Roberts, Iowa City, Iowa
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Author photo by Linc Cohen
THE ADVENTURES OF CANCER BITCH

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University of Iowa Press, Iowa City 52242
Copyright © 2009 by S. L. Wisenberg
www.uiowapress.org
Printed in the United States of America
Design by Craig Davidson 4 Civic Design
No part of this book may be reproduced
or used in any form or by any means
without permission in writing from the
publisher. All reasonable steps have been
taken to contact copyright holders of
material used in this book. The publisher
would be pleased to make suitable
arrangements with any whom it has not
been possible to reach.
The University of Iowa Press is a
member of Green Press Initiative and is
committed to preserving natural
resources.
Printed on acid-free paper
Cataloging-in-Publication data on fi le
at the Library of Congress.
isbn-13: 978-1-58729-802-8
isbn-10: 1-58729-802-3
lccn: 2008908535
THE ADVENTURES OF CANCER BITCH

ABOUT THE BITCH
My friends say I shouldn’t call this book Cancer Bitch because, they
say, I am not now and was not ever a bitch during surgery and chemo.
But I thought my blog should be called Cancer Something, and Babe
was too young and Vixen was already taken. So I became the Bitch.
I added a few sections after the fact but didn’t make anything
up. A few names of individuals and their identifying characteristics
were changed in the interest of privacy. There are no composite char-
acters. The names of the coffee houses were not changed because they
are independent and need the business.
No animals were harmed in the production of this book ex-
cept a few mice, and they were home invaders.
In the back of the book you will fi nd notes on sources, some
explanations, defi nitions of foreign words, and a few updates. They’re
not footnoted, but are keyed to entry dates.
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JANUARY 16. CELLS GONE WILD
It begins with a whiff of criminality: a suspicious place on a rou-
tine mammogram. Something fi shy. On the fi lm, a dark circle that
doesn’t belong there. There being my body. The body that has, per-
haps, gone wild. On the cellular level. Cancer is overproduction,
the assembly belt gone haywire, the sorcerer’s broom wheeling out
of control when the apprentice thinks he knows enough. Too much
too much too many. The experts examine and pick and remain close-
lipped. It could be something. Or nothing. But they say or nothing as
an afterthought. Because they know it’s cancer but they can’t say it yet
because Pathology hasn’t said so. And then Pathology says so. And
then the radiology Fellow says: It’s positive. The surgeon says, It’s in
three places, not one, and we’ll have to take off the whole breast, we
can’t conserve it.
It sounds like it happens fast but it doesn’t. There is much
waiting, in the hospital in a pale blue gown that’s both too loose and
too tight with those little blue ties that never match up. There are
phone calls. The whole thing — is a relief in a way. Because with every
mammogram I’ve ever had, I’ve gone through cancer scenarios in my
head: all the way to whether I’ll have an obituary in the Tribune writ-
ten by a staff writer (a news obituary) or whether my husband Linc
will have to pay for a death notice. I wonder whether he’ll sit shiva (Of
course not) or if my mother will (Yes, of course). And I worry about
my papers. My words — my six tall fi le cabinets fi lled with fi nished and
unfi nished manuscripts, letters from the days when people wrote let-
ters, accounts of dreams from the early 1980s. Where will they go? No
archivist has ever come calling, asking for Everything. Or anything.
I know these questions are substitutes for questions about me,
my Self. My body will go to Science. And then I will be gone from this
earth.
MORE JANUARY 16. HEMATOLOGY
The day I went for the follow-up mammogram I also had an appointment
with a hematologist because I have a high platelet count — high enough
to be monitored but not to require intervention. The offi cial name is
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essential thrombocythemia. Before the doctor came in, a fourth-year
medical student interviewed me to practice his skills. He was nervous
and hadn’t read my chart. I was telling him about my long menstrual
periods, which supposedly aren’t related to the low amount of iron in
my blood, according to doctors, but I think really are. I said, in expla-
nation, I have fi broids. Oh, he said, I’m one of three boys. Pause. He
mumbled: What did you say? I pretended I didn’t hear him, but for a
moment imagined the spectre of fi ve sons, imagined them around me
in the patient room. I explained: Fibroids. Uterine fi broids.
JANUARY 24. HOW NOT TO TELL YOUR CLASS ABOUT YOUR BREAST CANCER
1. Be grateful that during class you don’t think about your cancer,
except during free-writing, when they’re making lists that begin with
Because, using as a model a poem by Susan Donnelly called “Why I
Can’t”. The title of your list is: Why I Don’t Trust Doctors Who Are
Very Good Looking.
2. Tell them as soon as you know, on the day you get your terse diagno-
sis from the Cold (and good-looking) Blonde at the hospital. Don’t
wait until you have concrete information that your students will need,
such as dates of classes you will miss.
3. Wait until fi ve minutes before class ends. While they are standing
with their coats on, say that you have something to tell them. That
you have breast cancer. Expect your voice to be calm. It will not be.
It will break. You will be in danger of crying. Tell them you will fi nd
substitutes for any classes you’ll miss. Tell them you’re going to talk
to a surgeon the next day, but be unable to continue, leaving them
stunned. Then exit.
4. On the way home, think about how irresponsible you were.
5. At home, send an e-mail to all of them, telling them you’re sorry if you
freaked them out. Become paranoid when only one of them replies.
6. Have a friend tell you that it’s all about what you need, so whatever
you needed to do was OK. Know that she’s wrong. Your job, in a way,
is to protect your students from your own mishugas.
7. Post this on the class’s website and see what happens.