The Actual Real Reality of Jennifer James

378 Pages·2016·1.03 MB·English

by  Shields Gillian

G I L L I A N S H I E L D S
iii
For Brian
Contents
Cast list vi
August 31–September 5:
“You Are Ruining My Life!”
1
september 6–12:
Disgusted, Horrified, Sickened . . .
15
September 13–19:
Vote for Your MATES. . . .
36
September 20–26:
“The Most Unpopular Girl in Our Year . . .”
55
September 27–October 3:
“Fate, Jennifer Dear, Fate . . .”
83
October 4–10:
This Love Thing . . .
101
October 11–17:
Humiliation and Possible Death . . .
120
October 18–24:
That Dress . . .
141
October 25–31:
Total Mega-Failure . . .
175
November 1–7:
What Is Going On . . . ?
215
November 8–14:
So That Was the Good Bit . . .
230
November 15–21:
It’s All Getting Too Horribly Complicated . . .
259
November 22–28:
Moment of Ultimate Doom . . .
288
November 29–December 5:
“Jennifer James—Our Choice”
317
December 6–11:
“How Do I Love Thee . . . ?”
331
Jennifer’s Poem
351
Elizabeth Barrett Browning’s Poem
353
Glossary of Britspeak
355
About the Author
Credits
Cover
Copyright
About the Publisher
Cast List
The Heroine:
Jennifer James: Most Unpopular Person in her
class, burdened by Brains and Her Mother. Deep
inside Jennifer is a Total Babe struggling to get out.
Is in love with Mr. Webster. Should be in love with
Marcus Wright.
The Hero:
Marcus Wright: Most gorgeous boy on the planet,
irresistible to everyone except Jennifer.
The Rival:
Tallulah Perkins: Bosom on legs, has her claws into
Marcus, hobby is tormenting Jennifer.
The Heroine’s Best (Only) Friend:
Vicki Rivera: A Mega-Babe, loyal, truthful, cool.
The Location:
London Road Comprehensive, Midcaster. Rubbish
school in rubbish town.
vi
The Villains:
Storm Young: TV producer with naff ponytail and
supersize ego.
Miss Maybelline Moodie: Power-crazed deputy head
at London Road.
The TV Presenter:
Abi Sparkes: Ultra-gorgeous, ultra-brainy, ultra-nice.
The Parents:
Mr. Eric James: Absentminded Scientist Dad with
Heart of Gold.
Mrs. Sheila James: aka Jocasta, Serious Feminist,
Serious Mother, Serious Problem to Jennifer.
The Teachers:
Mr. Orlando Webster: English. Groovy poet, thinks
he’s the Johnny Depp of the classroom. Jennifer’s
Hero.
Mrs.Mandy Schuman: Drama. Drop-dead cool, totally
wasted in Midcaster.
Mr. Potter: History. Disillusioned teacher with secret
passion for camping.
Mr. Rock: Physical Education. Vile.
vii
Mrs. Woolacott: Math. Seriously glams up for the
cameras.
Mr. Barker: Art. Has a thing about punctuality.
Mrs. Stringer: Biology. Withered-up old stick.
Mrs. Clegg: Geography. Ditzy blond type.
Mr.Bill Smedley: Head of London Road Comprehen-
sive, never turns up for school.
And Introducing . . .
THE CELEBRITIES!!!
Celia Bunch: TV cook, the nation’s darling, never lets
her puddings flop.
Professor Barbara Beer: One of those sneery intellect-
tual types.
Carrie Chaplin: Lifestyle guru to the rich and
famous—you know, crystals and horoscopes and
stuff.
Seth Dale: TV soap star, wannabe pop star, world’s
worst singer.
Sir Harvey Harvey: Olympic hero, possibly the last
old-style “British Gent” left.
Lady Amelia Itchpole: No useful occupation, apart
from being mega-rich.
Amanda Knox: Glamor model, big on Page 3 (tacky
viii
lingerie shots in tacky newspapers), short on brain cells.
Julian Lambrusco-Llewellyn: Makeover maestro, all
style and no substance.
Jeremy Lurcher: A member of Her Majesty’s Govern-
ment before being detained at Her Majesty’s Pleasure
(chucked into prison) for dodgy dealings.
Freddie McCrum:Please refer to Lady Amelia Itchpole,
only mega-stupid as well as mega-rich.
Nazzer McNally: Verbally challenged ex-footballer.
Oggy Ogden:A living legend, the Granddaddy of Rock.
AND . . .
THE STUDENT CONTESTANTS!!!
Alice Redknapp: Gets angry and cries a lot. Chances
Of Winning (COW): Not all that good somehow.
Dwight Thingummybob: Gangsta rap dude. COW
rating: He’s cool; innit?
Jennifer James: Our Heroine. COW rating: Less than
mega-zero.
Julie Postlethwaite: Role model for plump girls.
COW rating: Slender.
Little Ollie Cotton:Nice kid-brother type. COW rating:
Aah, wouldn’t it be sweet if he won?
ix