The 80/80 Marriage: A New Model for a Happier, Stronger Relationship

255 Pages·2021·2.715 MB·English

by  Nate Klemp PhD, Kaley Klemp

Praise for The 80/80 Marriage
“Beautifully written and illustrated and brilliantly argued; any couple reading
this will find themselves guided into new and challenging possibilities for their
relationship, which if they take seriously and practice faithfully, will surely
transform their consciousness, alter their behavior, and fulfill their dreams. We
heartily encourage all couples to read it with an open mind and a willing
heart.”
—Harville Hendrix, PhD, and Helen LaKelly Hunt, PhD, authors of
Getting the Love You Want
“The core insight of this book is of vital importance: good marriages depend on
virtues beyond fairness. Equality is not enough: only generosity will do. And a
narrow focus on equality can get in the way. Nate and Kaley have written a
book with important lessons not only for marriages, but partnerships and
communities of all kinds.”
—Stephen Macedo, Laurance S. Rockefeller Professor of Politics at
Princeton University and author of Just Married
“Nate and Kaley Klemp’s The 80/80 Marriage offers a new model of marriage
for a new generation of couples. Instead of arguing over fairness, they call for a
shift to a mindset of radical generosity. Instead of asking, ‘What’s best for me?’
they call for a shift to a spirit of shared success. It’s the perfect step-by-step
guidebook for making relationships work in the modern age—not just at home,
but throughout all of our lives.”
—Chip Conley, New York Times bestselling author, strategic adviser
to Airbnb, and founder of the Modern Elder Academy “Kaley and
Nate take a headlong dive, fearlessly and with humor, into the
assumptions underlying the ‘modern marriage.’ Drawing on recent
research and a wide range of personal interviews, they help us see
why so many of our views of how marriage ought to work are
flawed. The prescription they arrive at leaves lots of room for our
different personalities and inclinations, but its core premise—
putting ‘us’ before ‘me’ and ‘you’—is compelling and inspiring.”
—Barry Boyce, founding editor of Mindful magazine and
Mindful.org
“The 80/80 Marriage offers an original framework for thinking about marriage
success based on a fundamental spirit of generosity. It’s worked for us!”
—Lauren Smart, retired finance executive, and Dr. Geoff Smart,
chairman of ghSMART and New York Times bestselling author of
Who and Power Score “Entrepreneurs and busy professionals face
the constant challenge of trying to achieve success at work while
also staying connected to their partners at home. The 80/80
Marriage offers a powerful solution. It’s a practical guide for
creating a new mindset and structure in marriage built to handle
the pressures of real life.”
—Brad Feld, cofounder of the Foundry Group, and coauthor (with
his wife, Amy Batchelor) of The Startup Life
“[The 80/80 Marriage] will take your marriage to the next level!”
—Tommy Spaulding, New York Times bestselling author of The
Heart-Led Leader

VIKING
An imprint of Penguin Random House LLC
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Copyright © 2021 by Nate Klemp and Kaley Klemp
Penguin supports copyright. Copyright fuels creativity, encourages diverse
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publish books for every reader.
A Penguin Life Book
LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGING-IN-PUBLICATION DATA Names: Klemp, Nathaniel J.,
1979– author. | Klemp, Kaley, author.
Title: The 80/80 marriage : a new model for a happier, stronger relationship /
Nate Klemp, PhD, and Kaley Klemp.
Other titles: The eighty marriage
Description: New York : Penguin Life, 2021. | Includes bibliographical
references.
Identifiers: LCCN 2020024766 (print) | LCCN 2020024767 (ebook) | ISBN
9781984880772 (hardcover) | ISBN 9781984880789 (ebook) Subjects: LCSH:
Marriage. | Married people—Psychology. | Intimacy (Psychology) |
Communication in marriage.
Classification: LCC HQ734 .K624 2021 (print) | LCC HQ734 (ebook) | DDC
306.81—dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2020024766
LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2020024767
Some names and identifying characteristics have been changed to protect the
privacy of the individuals involved.
Cover design: Matt Vee
pid_prh_5.6.1_c0_r0
To Margi, Joe, Judy, and Jim, our models of love
CONTENTS
Introduction
PART 1:
Exploring the Three Models of Marriage
CHAPTER 1: 80/20—Where We Were
CHAPTER 2: 50/50—Where We Are Now
CHAPTER 3: 80/80—Where We Want to Go Next
PART 2:
Cultivating a New Mindset
CHAPTER 4: Radical Generosity—The 80/80 Mindset
CHAPTER 5: Contribution—What You Do
CHAPTER 6: Appreciation—What You See
CHAPTER 7: Revealing—What You Say
PART 3:
Building a New Structure
CHAPTER 8: Shared Success—The 80/80 Structure
CHAPTER 9: Roles—Who Does What?
CHAPTER 10: Priorities—What’s Your Yes?
CHAPTER 11: Boundaries—What’s Your No?
CHAPTER 12: Power—Who’s in Control?
CHAPTER 13: Sex—Orgasmic Altruism
PART 4:
Living the 80/80 Marriage
CHAPTER 14: Resistance—The Reluctant Partner
CHAPTER 15: Rituals—The 5 Essential Habits of the 80/80 Marriage
Epilogue
Acknowledgments
Appendix
Notes
INTRODUCTION
I
t all started with a pair of smelly running shoes.
When we first moved in together at the age of twenty-
four, Nate used to leave his running shoes piled up by the
front door. Each day, he’d casually walk into the condo and
kick them off, sending them flying across the floor to land
randomly in a clump near the doormat.
One day, after a week of living together, Nate went to
grab his shoes. But they were gone. He searched the
closets, the garage, the porch, and the garbage can. No
luck.
“Have you seen my shoes?” he asked Kaley.
“I told you, it drives me crazy when I walk into the house
and trip over them. I feel like your maid and that’s not fair.
So now you’re going to have to find them,” she said.
Annoyed by this game of hide-and-seek, Nate continued
his search. Twenty minutes later, after rummaging through
the entire condo, he found them tucked away on the top
shelf of the kitchen cabinets, those high-up shelves above
the refrigerator ordinarily reserved for useless appliances.
Now Nate was pissed. He charged into Kaley’s office.
“Are you serious? I just spent twenty minutes trying to find
my shoes.”
Kaley swung around in her office chair. “I told you, it
drives me nuts when you don’t put your shoes away. And
it’s not my job to put away your crap.”
One week in and the fight for fairness—the fight over
who’s doing more and who’s doing less, who cares more
and who cares less—had begun.
From Shoe Drama to In-law Drama
As the years passed, Nate learned to put away his shoes.
But soon, new and more complex conflicts emerged.
After getting married at the age of twenty-six, we would
travel home during every holiday season to spend time with
both sets of parents in Colorado. To make things fair, we
brokered a time-sharing deal that seemed like a stroke of
genius: Nate’s parents got Christmas Eve and Christmas
Day. Kaley’s parents got the three to four days after
Christmas. Since Nate’s family got “the two holidays,”
Kaley’s family got the next two days plus a you-missed-the-
real-holiday bonus day or two for not getting Christmas.
The deal seemed perfectly fair. Quid pro quo.
There was only one problem with this bargain: it left
open the question of the exact, down-to-the-minute time we
left Nate’s family’s house on Christmas night. From an
outsider’s perspective, it seems so trivial. Who cares
whether you leave at six p.m. or seven p.m.? But one
Christmas morning, the question turned nuclear.
“I’d really like to be in the car by six so that we make it
to my family’s house before everybody goes to sleep,” Kaley
said.
“Babe, Christmas dinner isn’t over until at least seven,
and I don’t want to rush out of there while everyone’s
sitting at the dinner table,” Nate replied.
That’s when fairness crept into the conversation.
“We’re spending Christmas Eve and all of Christmas Day
with your family. I’m just asking to leave a few minutes