The 30-Day Love Detox: Cleanse Yourself of Bad Boys, Cheaters, and Men Who Won't Commit -- And Find A Real Relationship

253 Pages·2013·1.35 MB·English

by  Wendy Walsh

“Dr. Wendy clearly knows the game inside and out, from the bed-level to the
neuro-level.”
—JUNOT DÍAZ, Pulitzer Prize winner and author of This Is How You Lose Her
“Dr. Walsh provides strategies, tips, and tools to help the modern-day woman
find her soul mate without wasting her valuable time and precious resources on
the wrong men.”
—DR. JENN BERMAN, host of VH1’s Couples Therapy and The Love and Sex Show with Dr. Jenn on
Cosmo Radio, Sirius XM
“From my first conversation with Dr. Walsh, I knew she was the real deal:
caring, patient, knowledgeable. This book comes from the place that makes her
so special—the HEART.”
—DON LEMON, host of CNN Newsroom
“Dr. Walsh brings tremendous insight and intelligence to the mysteries of the
modern game of mating. You will come away wiser and smarter. It’s the best
book I’ve read this year.”
—DAVID M. BUSS, author of The Evolution of Desire: Strategies of Human Mating
“Dr. Walsh takes readers on a frank and valuable tour of how the ‘mating
market’ has changed—and how you can improve your odds of finding lasting
love.”
—MARK REGNERUS, coauthor of Premarital Sex in America: How Young Americans Meet, Mate, and
Think About Marrying
“The 30-Day Love Detox is like a GPS to help you navigate the changing
complexities of gender roles, dating, marriage, relationship building, and
commitment in postmodern America. If this book doesn’t make you think,
you’re brain dead!”
—BRIAN F. PENDLETON, PHD, Department of Sociology, University of Akron

To my grandmother, Agnes.
Her farm-wife wisdom about men still rings true: “Have them wash
up before you feed them.”
Contents
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
INTRODUCTION
PART I. THE ATTRACTION REACTION
CHAPTER 1. The Dating Addiction
CHAPTER 2. The Evolution of Eve
PART II. THE FIVE-STEP ATTACHMENT STRATEGY
CHAPTER 3. Your Love Style
CHAPTER 4. Your Relationship Life Plan
CHAPTER 5. Men: Vampires, Metros, and Superheroes
CHAPTER 6. The 30-Day Love Detox
CHAPTER 7. Man Withdrawal Syndrome
PART III. THE ART OF ATTACHMENT
CHAPTER 8. He Waited! Now What?
CHAPTER 9. Tech Mating
CHAPTER 10. Survival of the Smartest
ENDNOTES
INDEX
Acknowledgments
W
ho says books are a dying art? Not the dozens of people who helped
bring my ideas to life!
I have to start with my tireless, energetic, and whip-smart agent, Lacy Lynch,
and the loyal team at Dupree Miller & Associates in Dallas. Jan Miller and
Shannon Marven, I am indebted to you. And that happy Texas gal who answers
the phones. I call your offices sometimes just to get cheered up.
Then there is my bright, risk-taking editor, Ursula Cary, who wasn’t scared
off by my message that runs contrary to our culture. Her wise eyes on my
sometimes rambling text helped me steer the ship straight. Couldn’t have done it
without you. Thanks also to Hope Clarke, Elizabeth Neal, Mike Smith, Danielle
Lynn, Brent Gallenberger, and the rest of the team at Rodale Inc.
And to my other hero, my research assistant, Lauren Jensen, who didn’t let
her graduate degree stop her from pitching in with my kids if that’s what it took
to get this book done. Your attention to detail (no, I didn’t call you anal!) was
exactly what my reference section needed and what I lack. Thanks, Lauren.
Back when I wrote for television news, a producer friend told me I had a
unique talent for taking complicated scientific material and turning it into words
that everyone could understand. I don’t dumb ideas down. I try to make them
accessible. But my talent would be useless if I were not gifted with access to
some of the most brilliant minds doing often-unchampioned research behind the
hallowed gates of university labs. I was thrilled and awed that so many of you
took the time to take my calls and answer my e-mails to help me better
understand the current state of sex and love. Thanks to David Buss, PhD; Brian
Pendleton, PhD; Mark Regnerus, PhD; Omri Gillath, PhD; Sandra Metts, PhD;
Anthony Paik, PhD; Dean Busby, PhD; Meg Jay, PhD; Juliet Richters, PhD; and
Joan Williams, JD, of UC Hastings Law School.
I would be remiss if I didn’t mention Dr. Kevin Volkan, my mentor at
California State University, Channel Islands. Chatting with you always makes
me feel smarter. And to all the passionate students at CSUCI who offered
anecdotes and insight into today’s dating market, I am grateful. And thanks to
the many women who attended my wine and cheese focus groups. Your brave
personal stories really helped me apply the science to real-world experiences.
Outside of the book world, I have a team that helps me in all aspects of my
brand, from television and public speaking to online partnerships: Melissa Van
Fleet at Ken Lindner & Associates, David McGriff at Stroock & Stroock &
Levan, Brittany Sykes at Teszler P.R., Toby Sembower and Hayley Mathis at
DatingAdvice.com, Jon Kroll at Popsicle Pictures, and Henry Schleiff at
Investigation Discovery Network. Thank you all for your support.
To all my friends at CNN and HLN, but especially those with whom I’ve
worked so closely at the CNN newsroom: Jenny Cook, Richard Wybrow,
Andreas Preuss, Tina Kim, and, of course, the anchor I would marry if I could,
the brilliant, kind, and funny Don Lemon. I am so blessed to have all of you in
my life.
And my thanks to Dr. Phil and the entire executive team at The Doctors. I am
deeply grateful to Carla Pennington, Jay McGraw, and Andrew Scher.
Finally, to my daughters, Carrington and Jones, every day you bring me great
joy and peace that can only come from healthy attachments. When you finally
fly from my nest, I will hold you with my heart forever. This is one love
relationship that will never break up.
Introduction
I
won’t lie. I have a relationship hangover. It’s the hangover many women
experience after watching endless Sex and the City reruns and movies. The
lives of those fabulous women and their New York adventures are deliciously
addictive but can leave you with a serious headache—and heartache. The reality
is very different. The true story of single women can often feel more like a
tragedy than a lighthearted romp. None of my girlfriends ended up marrying Mr.
Big. None of us has the genes or moxie to vamp like Samantha. None is in a
storybook family like Charlotte. And no one can afford that wardrobe!
Instead, two of my friends got the human papillomavirus and cancer that led
to hysterectomies before they were able to meet a man and settle down. One
friend dated a commitment phobe who strung her along for years before she got
him to marry her one weekend in Vegas. He then dangled the idea of having a
baby in front of her for another decade until her fertility window slammed shut.
She’s divorced now, raising a dog. And plenty of other friends are struggling
single mothers.
But this doesn’t have to be you! You were born at the most perfect time in
female human history—a time of unprecedented freedom and power and a time
of exploding research on sexuality and human attachment. The women before
you fumbled around in the dark for dating rules and came up with mixed
messages: Be free but not too free. Play hard to get and go after what you want.
Keep him close by not letting him know you want a commitment. But these rules
just help you play a game; they don’t enable you to find the wonderfully
fulfilling, committed relationship you deserve. In this book, I’ll tell you the truth
about love, sex, courtship, and commitment.
This book is for you no matter what your mind-set on love and marriage.
You might be a progressive gal who is having fun enjoying your sexuality but
wants kids in a few years, or maybe you wait to have sex until you see if he’s
marriage material. You could be the modern girl who doesn’t believe in marriage
and is unsure about kids but still gets confused when fun guys scram after great
sex. Or maybe you believe in marriage and are totally frustrated by serial dating
that seems to lead nowhere. This book is also for you if you have a boyfriend
and don’t know how to ask for sexual exclusivity or relationship definition.
Maybe you have invested a couple of years in a dude—or are even living
together—while he’s shirking conversations about the future. No matter your
situation, the research in this book will make you very clear about who you are,
what kind of relationship is best for you, and how to get your needs met.
In this book, I’m going to ask you to do a couple of difficult things. I’m
going to ask you to purge junk food men who are eating up your time and giving
you pretend power. (Don’t worry, I’ll also give you some strategies to remedy
male withdrawal syndrome.) And I’m going to ask you to delay the onset of sex
for at least thirty days when you meet a new guy. Please understand that this is
not some old-fashioned gimmick to manipulate men. This is designed to get sex
hormones out of the way while you two make some intelligent choices. And I’ll
tell you how women all over the world succeed in love. The clear step-by-step
five-part attachment strategy is based in solid scientific research and, if followed
correctly, can help you create the kind of relationship that is perfectly suited to
you. I’ll also introduce you to the powerful cavewoman who lives inside of you
and whose ancient wisdom has helped you get here in the first place. I met my
own cavewoman when I gave birth to babies, but you’ll meet your enormous
power much earlier.
I used to think of myself as the Carrie Bradshaw type, enjoying my fun-filled
twenties and early thirties, making a living writing books called The Boyfriend
Test and The Girlfriend Test, and championing women’s sexual freedom. And
then, at age 35, I had the good sense to check my inner clock at midnight on
New Year’s Eve and made a resolution: I wanted to have a family. But I needed
to find a man first. And I did, quickly, find one encased in the body of a Greek
god: He was gorgeous, successful, and smart. We moved in together and had two
kids: I gave birth at ages 36 and 41.
But soon after we became a family of four, things fell apart. I didn’t have the
time or the tools to develop a proper relationship life plan, to understand my own
needs and make sure he and I truly wanted the same things. My so-called Greek
god slipped out under the wire. In an ironic twist, I had to sell almost every
remnant from my single glory days on eBay—including designer bags, shoes,
jewelry—so I could maintain a breastfeeding lifestyle without a male provider.
Despite my twists of fate, I still feel lucky. Of all the women I ran with in my
twenties and early thirties, I’m the only one who was fortunate enough to
become a mother. I love my kids so much. And I’m blessed to have a close circle
of accidental “aunties” who pitch in, help out, and are huge contributors in my
kids’ lives.
I’m offering up this stark truth so a new generation of women can learn from
it. My generation is in some ways a lost generation of women who were sold a
false bill of goods about fertility, motherhood, and female sexual freedom. This
doesn’t have to be you. The 30-Day Love Detox will help you avoid the pitfalls
of sexual freedom: men who won’t commit, hookups that lead nowhere, years of
dating Mr. Wrong, or even a missed fertility window.
I admit that for some young women today, things are even more complicated
and confusing. Dating is no longer a place where men and women understand
certain rituals. While it once was liberating for women to break all the rules, it
has created an environment in which men no longer feel they need to use
courtship to obtain sex. As I will describe in this book, a high-supply sexual
economy can be dangerous, unchartered waters for many women. We’ve lost
important rituals that gave us valuable information about a man’s intentions. In
this information vacuum, too many women are deluded into thinking that a
sexual hookup is a ticket in a potential husband lottery.
One sexuality researcher I spoke with apologized for sounding conservative
when he told me that separating babies from sex and sex from marriage has
made men a whole lot happier than women. His apology is why The 30-Day
Love Detox is so unique. This book’s message about slow love doesn’t come
from a place of political conservatism or religion. It comes from hard science
and sound sociological research. It’s not a lecture about morals or traditional
gender roles but is a thinking woman’s tool. This book is your ticket to a healthy
relationship.
The 30-Day Love Detox is the antidote to an increasingly vapid hookup
culture.
If you have trouble meeting men, this book isn’t for you. If you have trouble
meeting like-minded, commitment-oriented men who share your vision of a
future, then this book is exactly the medicine you need. I’m here to tell you that
you have the power to control your love life! And in this time of relationship
“freedom,” you can choose to have any number of meaningful attachments. You
can have a boyfriend or a stay-over relationship or you can cohabit. And if you
still want a traditional marriage, right down to rings, flowers, and self-written
vows, you have a right to that too. But each of these kinds of relationships has a
specific set of risks and rewards I’ll tell you about so you can make your
relationship plans very carefully.
These are your rights as a woman. But unlike your civil rights, they won’t be
handed to you in a decree and no court of law will enforce them. You have to go
out and earn the right to partner with a good man, and the only person who will
protect your rights is you. And I promise to tell you exactly how to do that with