Ten lessons to transform your marriage : America's love lab experts share their strategies for strengthening your relationship

384 Pages·2006·6.03 MB·English

by  DeClaire

JOHN M. GOTTMAN, PH.D.,
JULIE SCHWARTZ GOTTMAN, PH.D.,
& JOAN DECLAIRE
Crown Publishers
New York
Ten Lessons
to Transform
Your
Marriage
AMERICA’S LOVE LAB EXPERTS SHARE THEIR STRATEGIES FOR STRENGTHENING
YOUR RELATIONSHIP
Contents
Title Page
Dedication Page
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
INTRODUCTION From Predicting Divorce to Preventing It: An Introductory Message from John and
Julie Gottman
CHAPTER 1 “All You Ever Do Is Work”
Our Analysis: A Cycle of Criticize/Defend/Countercriticize • Our Advice
• One Year Later
• Healthy Complaining Versus Harmful Complaining • The “Oversensitive” Partner
• When One Partner Works Too Much
• Quiz: Is There Too Much Criticism in Your Relationship?
• Exercise: Listen for the Longing Behind Your Partner’s Complaints • Exercise: What’s Your Mission?
What’s Your Legacy?
CHAPTER 2 “Will We Ever Get Over Your Affair?”
Our Analysis: Sidestepping Difficult Feelings Blocks Emotional Intimacy • Our Advice
• One Year Later
• The Hazards of Avoiding Conflict
• The Affair-Prone Marriage
• Quiz: Do You Avoid Conflicts, or Do You Talk About Them?
• Exercise: Calm Down to Avoid Flooding
• Exercise: Identifying Your Feelings
• Exercise: The Marital Poop Detector
CHAPTER 3 “After All the Crises in Our Lives, We Don’t Feel Close Anymore”
Our Analysis: Stress Creates Emotional Distance and Hinders Romance • Our Advice
• One Year Later
• How a Little Selfishness Can Help Your Marriage • Quiz: How Much Stress Have You Had Lately?
• Exercise: Steps to a Healthier Lifestyle
• Exercise: Keep Your Love Map Up-to-Date
CHAPTER 4 “You Never Talk to Me”
Our Analysis: Attacks and Counterattacks Make the Marriage Unsafe for Conversation • Our Advice
• One Year Later
• The Antidotes to Contempt: Fondness and Admiration • Quiz: Is There More Room for Fondness and
Admiration in Your Marriage?
• Exercise: Three Things I Like About You
• Exercise: Nurturing Fondness in Your Relationship—A Seven-Week Plan
CHAPTER 5 “You Don’t Care About My Dreams”
Our Analysis: Ignoring Dreams Beneath the Conflict Stalls Communication • Our Advice
• One Year Later
• Your Hidden Dreams and Aspirations: The “Prairie Dogs” of Marital Conflict • Quiz: What Are the
Dreams Within Your Conflicts?
• Exercise: Responding to the Dreams Within Your Conflict
CHAPTER 6 “You’re So Distant and Irritable All the Time”
Our Analysis: Avoiding Emotional Intensity Postpones Healing • Our Advice
• One Year Later
• Helping Your Partner Through Depression
• Quiz: Are You Depressed?
• Quiz: Are You Anxious?
• Quiz: Are You Anxious?
• Exercise: Establish a Ritual for Stress-Reducing Conversation
CHAPTER 7 “I Shouldn’t Have to Nag!”
Our Analysis: Harsh Words and Defensiveness Trump Good Intentions • Our Advice
• One Year Later
• Quiz: Harsh Start-up: A Problem in Your Marriage?
• Exercise: Turning Harsh Start-up to Softened Start-up • Quiz: Are You Open to Your Partner’s
Influence?
• Exercise: Using the Aikido Principle to Accept Influence
CHAPTER 8 “There’s No Passion, There’s No Fun”
Our Analysis: Failure to Express Anger Leads to Emotional Distance • Our Advice
• One Year Later
• How Anger Can Enhance a Marriage
• A Special Message for Husbands: “Embrace Her Anger”
• Quiz: How Do You Feel About Anger?
• Exercise: When You and Your Partner Have Different Ideas About Anger • Exercise: Responding to
Anger in a Helpful Way
CHAPTER 9 “We Only Have Time for the Kids Now”
Our Analysis: Focus on the Kids Disguises the Real Trouble—Failure at Expressing Needs • Our Advice
• Two Months Later
• What’s Wrong with a Child-Centered Marriage?
• Quiz: Is Your Marriage Child-Centered?
• Exercise: Give Me a Clue
• Exercise: Turning Toward Your Partner’s Bids for Connection • Busting the Myth of Spontaneity in
Romance
• Exercise: A Blueprint for Handling Conflict
CHAPTER 10 “You’re Not Satisfied Unless There’s Some Drama”
Our Analysis: Perpetual Issues Lead to Conflict Avoidance, Lack of Connection • Our Advice
• Two Years Later
• Don’t Get Gridlocked over Perpetual Issues
• Quiz: What Are Your Perpetual Issues and What Are Your Gridlocked Problems?
• Exercise: Creating a Culture of Shared Values and Meaning • Exercise: Thanksgiving Checklist
Also by John Gottman
Copyright
To our parents—Lina and Solomon Gotthelfsman, and Selma and Marvin Schwartz—in celebration of their
long-lasting marriages
—JMG and JSG
Acknowledgments
Special thanks to Catherine Romano and the staff at Reader’s Digest for their
collaboration on “The Love Lab” column, upon which this book is based.
Thanks also to Virginia Rutter, who provided screening and logistical support
for this effort, and to Sybil Carrere, Alyson Shapiro, Amber Tabares, and Janice
Driver for making our laboratory work successful.
We also wish to express our continuing gratitude to the people and
organizations that help to fund our marriage and family research. These include
Bruce and Jolene McCaw, founders of the Apex Foundation and the Talaris
Research Institute; Craig Stewart, president of the Apex Foundation; Dan and
Sally Kranzler, founders of the Kirlin Foundation; Ron Rabin, executive director
of the Kirlin Foundation; Peter Berliner and the Paul G. Allen Family
Foundation; Molly Oliveri of the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH);
and a grant from NIMH titled “Basic Processes in Marriage.”
In addition, thanks go to the staff of the Gottman Institute: Etana Dykan,
Linda Wright, Venita Ramirez, Stacy Walker, Candace Marshall, and Belinda
Gray. With great dedication and commitment, they have supported us to serve
more than five thousand couples and to train more than fourteen thousand
clinicians.
Joan DeClaire wishes to express thanks to Louise Carnachan, Carla Granat,
and Debra Jarvis for their tremendously helpful comments on the manuscript.
Her gratitude also goes to Wendy Townsend, Bob Heffernan, and the members
of the “Artists’ Group”—Nan Burling, Louise Carter, Rebecca Hughes, Wendy
Slotboom, and Jan Short Pollard—for their never-ending support and
encouragement.
And finally, thanks to all the couples who have so generously volunteered for
this and other research projects throughout the years.
INTRODUCTION
From Predicting
Divorce to
Preventing It:
An Introductory Message from John and Julie Gottman
I
t’s been more than a decade since John and his colleagues at the University
of Washington (UW) first announced their discovery: Through the power of
careful observation and mathematical analysis, the team had learned to predict
with more than 90 percent accuracy whether a married couple would stay
together or eventually divorce.
This discovery captured the imagination of many. If research psychologists
could now pinpoint specific behaviors that lead to divorce, then perhaps people
in troubled relationships could change those behaviors and save their marriages.
But as any weatherman can tell you, the ability to predict trouble is not the same
as the ability to prevent it. It’s one thing to detect a storm brewing on radar; it’s
quite another to make those storm clouds disappear.
And yet that’s the kind of work we at the Gottman Institute have been doing.
Since 1994 we’ve been developing tools to help couples identify problems that
are proven to destroy relationships—and to turn those problems around. By
experimenting with various forms of therapy, we’ve been learning how to help
husbands and wives improve their marriages and prevent divorce.
Through our workshops, therapy sessions, and books, couples are gaining the
tools they need to build stronger friendships and manage their conflicts. As a
result, they are learning to work through a whole host of problems common to
marriage—problems such as these:
the stress of caring for a new baby
exhaustion from working too hard
loss of interest in sex and romance
health problems
recovering from an extramarital affair