Telling the Truth to Your Adopted or Foster Child: Making Sense of the Past

303 Pages·2015·4.43 MB·English

by  Betsy Keefer Smalley

Telling the Truth
to Your Adopted
or Foster Child

Telling the Truth
to Your Adopted
or Foster Child
Making Sense of the Past
Second Edition
•
Betsy Keefer Smalley and Jayne E. Schooler
Copyright © 2015 by Betsy Keefer Smalley and Jayne E. Schooler
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system,
or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording,
or otherwise, except for the inclusion of brief quotations in a review, without prior permission
in writing from the publisher.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Smalley, Betsy Keefer, 1949–
Telling the truth to your adopted or foster child : making sense of the past / Betsy Keefer Smalley
and Jayne E. Schooler. — Second edition.
pages cm
Includes bibliographical references.
ISBN 978-1-4408-3404-2 (print : alk. paper) — ISBN 978-1-4408-3405-9 (e-book) —
ISBN 978-1-4408-4281-8 (paperback) 1. Adoption—United States—Psychological
aspects. 2. Adopted children—United States—Psychology. 3. Foster children—United States—
Psychology. 4. Secrecy—Psychological aspects. 5. Communication in families—
United States. 6. Disclosure of information—United States. I. Schooler, Jayne E. II. Title.
HV875.55.K45 2015
649'.145—dc23 2015022619
ISBN: 978-1-4408-3404-2
EISBN: 978-1-4408-3405-9
Paperback ISBN: 978-1-4408-4281-8
19 18 17 16 15 1 2 3 4 5
This book is also available on the World Wide Web as an eBook.
Visit www.abc-clio.com for details.
Praeger
An Imprint of ABC-CLIO, LLC
ABC-CLIO, LLC
130 Cremona Drive, P.O. Box 1911
Santa Barbara, California 93116-1911
This book is printed on acid-free paper
Manufactured in the United States of America
This second edition of
Telling the Truth to Your Adopted or Foster Child:
Making Sense of the Past
is dedicated to our favorite truth tellers,
our grandchildren.
Betsy’s grandchildren:
William Matyas, Griffin Keefer, and Evelyn Keefer
Jayne’s grandchildren:
Micah, Annalise, and Aaron Matheson
and Lacey Jayne Schooler

Contents
Preface ix
Acknowledgments xiii
1 The Power of Secrets on Family Relationships 1
2 Truth or Consequences: A Great Debate 15
3 Just the Facts, Ma’am: Why Do Children Need Them? 29
4 Learning about Your Child: A Fact-Finding Mission 43
5 Adoption Through a Child’s Eyes: Developmental Stage 59
6 Through a Parent’s Eyes: The Challenges in Creating an
Environment of Ongoing Adoption Communication 81
7 Principles of Talking about Adoption 97
8 Sharing the Hard Stuff: The Adoptive Parent’s Challenge 111
9 Twelve Tools of Parent/Child Communication 131
10 Transracial or Transcultural Adoption: Talking about
Adoption and Race 155
11 Kinship Foster Care and Adoption: Telling the Truth
When It’s “All in the Family” 177
viii Contents
12 Adolescence: Parents Matter—Keeping Lines of
Communication Open 191
13 Managing Communication with Openness in Adoption:
Questions Most Asked by Parents 211
14 Communication about Adoption Outside the Family 233
Appendix A: Information Needed to Prepare a Case for Adoption 251
Appendix B: Triggers for Adoption Issues 255
Appendix C: Lifebooks—They Are Effective for Children in
Understanding Their Story 257
Notes 263
Index 275
Preface
You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free!
What would it be like if you were Laurie? Laurie, now 17, was adopted
at age three. One afternoon at a family reunion, she sat dumbfounded as
her cousin told her what really happened in her past: her birth father killed
her birth mother, and he was in prison. The problem was that everyone in
the family knew it except Laurie. Why wasn't she told the truth?
What would it be like if you were Sarah? Sarah, age 11, often drew
pictures of the house where she imagined her birth mother lived. It was
a large house, encircled with beautiful trees and flowers. One day she
announced to her adoptive parents, “Someday, I am going to visit my
birth mother in her big house.” The problem with that picture was that
Sarah’s mother did live in a “big” house: she lived in a prison. She was
convicted of drug possession and assault and would be incarcerated for a
very long time. Why wasn’t Sarah told the truth?
What would it be like if you were Jason? Jason, age 8, knew he was
“given up” for adoption, but he didn’t know why. The truth was, his birth
mother loved him very much, but as a young teen she was unequipped to
raise Jason to adulthood. Jason’s adoptive parents knew the whole story, but
they assumed that the less said, the better—for everyone. The only problem
was that Jason was left believing there was something “wrong” with him,
that he had been unlovable from birth. Why didn't his adoptive parents
realize the complex feelings their son was battling?