Sue de Beer : black sun.

2005·1.4 MB·English

by  De Beer, Sue.

This diary belongs
Address:
March 3-June 17, 2005
TheexhibitionwasorganizedbyShamimM.Momin,associatecurator,WhitneyMuseumofAmericanArt,and
branchdirectorandcurator,WhitneyMuseumofAmericanArtatAltria.
From:ShamimMomin,Altria
To:SuedeBeer
Sent:03/16/04 10:01 am
Here'ssomegoodstufffromanarticleIwasreadingtheotherday:"Acentralproblemofchoiceiswhat [iscalled]
'miswanting.'Wanting...is'apredictionofliking.'Predictionsareoftenbiased,andpredictionsofone'sfeelingsare
morebiasedthan most.Currentpreferences'contaminate'futureplans....Youmighttrytodrawonexperienceto
helpyouchoose,butyourmemoriesaren'ttobetrusted....Ourmindsfocusonthepeakandthefinalmomentsofa
pastexperiencewhilecrowdingoutmemoriesofitsduration."1
ThisiswhatI'vebeenthinkingabouta lotlately—iftimereallyonlyexistsasmemory,and hasnorelation-
shiptotheactualdurationoftheexperienceitself(i.e.thewayafewsecondsofsomethingresonatesinyourhead
andlifeforever,and—conversely—howyearsofthingsyoudocanmeannothing).Whyisitthatweholdsuchvalue
for"thingsthatlast?"Whyislengthmoreelevatedthanintensity? I'mnotbeingrhetorical, I'm reallywondering...
xxx,
smm
From:SuedeBeer
To:Shamim Momin,Altria
Sent:3/16/04 3:12pm
Hey!Youremailwasamazing:
IntheMoMA[MuseumofModernArt] lectureIdid,Icalledthisconceptof"miswanting"the"phantasmof
predestination"—letting[anideaof]thepastdetermine (yourideaof)thefuture—thisistotallyTheBirthday
Present.2
Whatismemory?Whatisyourexperience? Howmuchofwhatdefinesyourmemoryisfiction?Andisthe
fictionsomethingyoucreatedorsomethingothershelpedyoutocreate(aparent,TV,abook]? Ilikedwhatyou
saidalso—onceweweretalkingaboutrelationshipsandyousaid,"Buttherearealwaysgoodparts,too,whichis
alwayssohardtoremembernottoforget."Andwhenyousaid,"Ithinkbeinginloveisachoiceyoumake."Bothof
thosethingsspeaktotheconsciousnessofmemory beingsomethingalterablebyoneself,bythefeelingone
choosestohave.
From:SuedeBeer
To:ShamimMomin,Altria
Sent:3/20/04 11:28 pm
TheBirthdayPresentjuststartedexpandingabit.IthinkthenarrativestructurewillbemorelikeHans&Gretethan
Ithought.3AndIfeellikeacontentvacuumcleanerrightnow,especiallyaboutmodesofrepresentationandhow
theyaffectmemoryandlivedexperience.
Hereisthisrad DennisCoopertext...thiskidisimaginingheisarockstar:
"I'mstandinginfrontofamirror,onehandon mygenitals.Iwishitwerethatsimple.Imean,youknow,like
I'mbeingwatched,asifthewholeworldiswatching,likeprotesterssaidinthesixties,whenIwasn'tbornyet.It
wantsmeinvisible. No,itwantsmyskinina heaponthefloorandateeteringskeletonsmearedwithblood.Ican't
imaginethat.AsfarasI'mconcerned,everything'soutintheopen.Iwon'tbecomemorerealisticthanthis.I'm
goingtostand hereawhile,bowmyhead,closemyeyeslikewe'retoldtoinschoolwhensomeonefamoushas
died,andthat'sit.Mymind'satotalblank. Isaminuteupyet?
Fine.Nowit'smyturn.I'mgoingsomewherewherethingstransformintoteentsy,unreachablestars(make
thatglitter)thatlookkindofsweet,butyoudon'thavetothinkaboutwhattheyimply.Bye,world.Istareatthe
walls.Theystartgrowingineverydirectionuntilmywholeroomisamilewideanddeepatleast.Idecorateitwith
thousandsofblueplasticseats,andthemwithexpectantyoungfaces.Mybed'sgrowingtoo.Itresemblesastage.
Setdiscreetlyontop,Ienvisionafigurinebathedinaspotlight.It'sholdingamicrophoneinitsrighthand.Itstarts
toopenitsmouth. Ican'twaittocompletelyrefillmyselfwithitsopaqueness."4
lovethatlastlinesomuch...
I
From:SuedeBeer
To:Shamim Momin,Altria
Sent:3/23/04 1:21pm
Iwasuplatelastnight (taxesandinsomnia—whoa)andcouldn'tstopthinkingaboutthesurvivalistpreteenlitera-
turewetalkedabout.IthinkIamgoingtogobuyIslandoftheBlueDolphins.Havebeenthinkingalotaboutthe
bookFlowersintheAttic,whichIthinkalsofitsintothiscategory.Somethingkindofclickedwhenweweretalking
aboutthat.Likethatwasareally,reallyimportantgenretoinvestigate,
xxoo,
S
From:ShamimMomin,Altria
To:SuedeBeer
Sent:3/25/04 1:30pm
I'mgoingtoseeifmyparentscanfindthebooksforme...Ifeartheypackedthemawayinthegarageandthey'llallhave
beenruined,butI'dlovetoseemylittlegirlnotesinthem.Itotallyagree—it'sundeniablysomethingtothinkabout.
IamSOintocomingtoseeyouthissummersodon'tforgettotellmeyourdatesoncethey'redonesoIcan
startplanningmytwelveweeksofunusedvacation...
Thisisalreadyfun.
xxx,
smm
From:SuedeBeer
To:ShamimMomin,Altria
Sent:4/04/04 11:11pm
Hey,
Spendingaquieteveningathomeworkingonamultiple,learningaboutdistortionpedals.
Mydatesare:
SuetoBerlinMay 12 (ish?):Giantboxesarrivewithlightstandsandmyshoeandlipstickcollection.
SuetoWeimaruntilthefirstweekinJulyforseriousscriptwriting,arm-candyresearch,andamateurwater-
coloring.InWeimarthereisacastle,Bauhausarchitecture,follies,Goethe.Comevisitforalongtime!Wecanalso
dotripstoBerlinorintheBlackForest,whereIhavealwayswantedtogo!
ThentoLucerne,Switzerland,whichissupposedtobestunninglybeautiful.Thinklake,mountains,goats,little
Heidioutfits,picnicbaskets,andamateurwatercoloring.
Backtotheworldofrock.
xxoo,
Sue
5
P.S. I readIslandoftheBlueDolphinslastnight.AndgotSlavojZizek'sbookonfantasy [ThePlagueofFantasies].I
thinkthereissomethingreally,reallystrongbetweentheDennisCoopertext,thesurvivalistteenage-girlbook
genre,andtheoriginal premiseofthepiece.Gettingexcited...
From:ShamimMomin,Altria
To:SuedeBeer
Sent:4/04/04 11:25pm
Myparentsweresupposedtobringtheotherteensurvivalistbooksforyoutodaywhentheycameby,buttheyfor-
got;I'msorry.Thosethreestrainsmakesomuchsensetogether.Goodluckwithyourpedals.Ijustspentaridicu-
lousamountoftimelookingupsupersonicplanesandsitesonthefullmoon,soI knowwhatyoumean,
xxx,
smm
From:SuedeBeer
To:ShamimMomin,Altria
Sent:4/05/04 1:03am
Myinsomnia isdefinitelyback!Thatisokay.Itriedtosleep,readsometext,andnowIamgoingthroughnegatives
and paintchips.Thecoloroftheday:AutumnCrocus.
Iamyawning.Iamgoingtocurlupinbedwithsomenegatives. I boughtTheBlackStallion butIamalittle
afraidtostartit.Icouldn'tstopreadinguntil IgottotheendofIslandoftheBlueDolphinsbecauseIhadforgotten
howlongshewasstuckonthatislandandwasbeginningtobeshocked.
From:ShamimMomin,Altria
To:SuedeBeer
Sent:4/05/04 2:58pm
Iimaginedbeingonthatislandsomanytimes.Fightingoffwilddogswearingaskirtofcormorantfeathers.
xxx,
smm
From:SuedeBeer
To:ShamimMomin,Altria
Sent:4/06/04 12:36am
Hey,
Ijustsawthis [Vito]Acconcisingle-channelvideo,SoundTrack.Haveyouseenthis? Itkindofreally,reallyblewmy
mind,andhasallofthesethemesinitthatwehavebeentalkingabout.I borrowedthetapeandwasgoingtoget
somedubsmadesoIcanspendmoretimewithit. Maybewecoulddoamidnightscreening?
From:ShamimMomin,Altria
To:SuedeBeer
Sent:4/06/04 ?:51am
Thatvideosoundsreallyinteresting—IwasactuallyalsothinkingaboutthoseMikeMillsvideosagain,too.Ilikethe
ideaofascreening—it'swaymorefuntowatchwithpeople.
xxx,
smm
From:SuedeBeer
To:Shamim Momin,Altria
Sent:4/22/04 12:5?am
Hey,
Iamsotired.Havebeenpackingandtryingtofinish.
Howareyou? IboughtthePhilCollinsrecord.Mostofitisprettyrough (remember"Sussudio?"),butthose
twosongs—theoneabouttheice,andtheoneaboutstandingintherain—aresoamazing.
Muchlove,
Me
From:ShamimMomin,Altria
To:SuedeBeer
Sent:4/30/04 8:5?am
Lastnightwasmyfirstgoodsleepinages.Ihavegivenuponworryingaboutwhatisneededtogetmetosleep.My
insomniaispermanent,beenaroundsinceIwas 12yearsold,andIhavetoomuchelsetothinkaboutthanto
worryovermuchaboutthe"emotionalsources"ofmysleeplessness.Whateverittakestokeepmefunctionalright
now,soIcanfocusontheotherstuff.
xxx,
smm
From:SuedeBeer
To:ShamimMomin,Altria
Sent:4/30/04 10:5?pm
Hi!
IwasemailingwithFelixandIrememberedbeinganinsomniac9-year-old,wanderingthroughourchildhoodhouse,
listeningtoeveryonesleeping.Itmademefeellike,"Oooooh,thisisn'trecent."Iwasjustsuchalushthroughmy
early20sthatIdidn'tnoticeit becauseIwaspassingouteverynight.
Shamim,Ileavesosoonitisinsane.ButIamsooooohappythatyouaregoingtocomeandvisitme.Wecan
betotallysexynerdsinEurope.
Iamalsoexcitedtogetalittlequietstudiothinkingtime.IhavedonealotofscribblingontheWhitneypiece,
andamexcitedtoputthemintosequence.ItalkedtoShaiLevy,myDP(directorofphotography]fromHans&Grete,
whoisgoingtoshootitwithmeandhelpmesourceacrew,and,youknow.
IamgoingtogocrawlintobedandtrytomasterTheDarkHearts.^Ilovelaptops.ItissuchaProustianwayto
edit.Lieinbed,clickaround.
7
From:ShamimMomin,Altria
To:SuedeBeer
Sent:5/12/04 11:34pm
Hey,
IwantedtobeyourfirstemailinGermany.Ihopeyouhadsafeandeasytravels,andIwasreally,reallyhappytobe
abletosendyouoff,asitwere...champagneandall.
Ispentmostofthisevening-afterbeingextraordinarilyjealous.I meanthatinagoodway,ifyoucanimagine,
wherebyit'snotthatIwishyoudidn'thavethisopportunity—Iamwholeheartedlythrilledforyoutohavethis
opportunity,butenvythatabout-to-bemagicofstartingsomethinganew.Theconsciousnessofhowfullyinflected
withtherestofyourlifeitis,thewaylifealwaysis,wassobeautiful.I misstheveryparticular,inimitable,immedi-
acyofgoing,thetemporalriftofbeingpoised,justabouttogo.It'soneofmyfavoritethingsintheworld,oneofthe
bestversionsofloveoutthere.PeoplethinkI'mterriblycynicalaboutlove,butit'sjustbecauseIexpectittoresem-
blethatbreathofwonderthatyougetfromothertranscendentthings,anditsorarelyis.Mytravelwishforyou
(mymotheralwaysmadeusdothatbeforegettingonaplane,superstitiously)istohavethemallatonce.
YourProustandcostumesaresafeandcaredfor,sonoworriesthereeither,
xoxox,
smm
From:SuedeBeer
To:ShamimMomin,Altria
Sent:5/13/04 8:55am
Hi,
Whatabeautifulemail,Shamim!IamhereinBerlin,shakingoffjetlagandhavingcoffeefromthelocalTurkish
place.Itfeelsreallygoodtobehere,Berlinissospecialtome.
From:ShamimMomin,Altria
To:SuedeBeer
Sent:5/19/04 10:13pm
Hopeyou'resettlinginwellandfeelingfantastic.Ihadamultidayslumpofdisinterestedsemidepressionandthenreal-
izedI'matotalidiot,andthatIlovemylifeandtheamazingthingsinit,thescrewed-upstuffandthefabulousstuff.
IjustreadthisinanA.S.Byattshortstoryaboutawomanturningtostone (Ishouldsaystones,thelitanyof
specializedpetrologicaltypesshedescribeseruptingalloverherisamazing),andI lovedthisline:"Liferunsin
verynarrowstereotypedchannels,untilitisinterruptedbyaccidentsorvisions..."7
xxx,
smm
From:SuedeBeer
To:ShamimMomin,Altria
Sent:5/20/04 8:15am
Hey,
Me,too.Igothereandcompletelycrashed.Treatedeveryoneliketheenemyfortwodays,andthenwaslike"Ohmy
God,wakeup,Sue."Itwasjusttoomuchhard-coreactivityinNYandthenthecrashisintense,right? Lifeispretty
amazingrightnow,though;Iagreecompletely.Likewhatyousaidaboutchoosingtobeinlove,whichisthemost
brilliantthingeverandsocompletelytrue.
Thegoodnewsisthat I havetheselongunstructureddays,soIamstartingtoputmysequencetogether,and
gettingreallyinspiredbythearchitecturehere.Thereisalsoalocalrecordstore,whichIhavebeenspendingalot
oftimein—lookingatlinernotes,andbandpressagentstufffromthesixties—ithasthiswildenthusiasmthat
really,reallydoesitforme.Andstarteddoingequipment/shootingplanningwithmyDP.Itissonicetoworkwith
himagain. amsocompletelyexcited.
I
"Visions"and"accidents!" Completely.Andthenthe"real"ofafterthatmomentofrupture.Whatisthe"new?"
Whatwilltheday—today's"real"beforthisnewperiodinmylife?
From:SuedeBeer
To:Shamim Momin,Altria
Sent:05/30/04 2:55pm
Hey,
IbroughtmychildhooddiariestoBerlinsoIcouldexaminetheminanintenseandfocusedway.Thereissomefull-
onfemininegirlstuffin TheBirthdayPresent- Ileftadancenumberin,butrightnowIhaveitinapinkballetstu-
dio.Youknow,8yearsold,balletlessons...IhaveitscoredtoaPhilCollinssong,eitherthesadoneor"EasyLover"
maybe.Thereisamakeupscene,too.WhichrelatestothatCoopertextIthink.Iamtryingtokeepitaround 20to
25minutes.
FelixisintoreadingthingstomeatnightthathethinksrelatetoTheBirthdayPresent,andcameupwiththis
crazyideafordoingapretendcraneshotoveradollhouse,whichIthinkIwanttotry.
Muchlove,
Me
From:Shamim Momin,Altria
To:SuedeBeer
Sent:6/09/04 10:04am
Thoughtthismightbeinterestingtoyou...
smm
StrategiesofDesire:KunsthausBaselland
Todaythereisanincredibleamountofhypesurroundingthenotionofdesire,oneofourstrongestemotions.Desire
isbothamarketablecommodityandafundamentalhumanneedexpressedinmanydifferentways Weyearnfor
love,friendship,alifestylewehavegrownaccustomedto,gloryandhonor,success,remoteplaces,adventure,
change,paradiseonearth,etc.Thereisarguablynootheremotionthatrunssuchawidegamut.Desire,aspointed
outbyphilosopherErnstBloch,istheonlytrulyhonesthumancondition....Desireengulfstwocontradictorypoles:
Whileonepartofthisemotionaddressessomethingambiguousandevasive,theotherpartismorefocusedand
knowsexactlywhattheobjectofdesireactuallyis.Ontheonehand,welongforanindefinitething,ontheother
hand,thatlongingmaysometimesbequitetargeted.PsychologistMatthiasVogtalsoarguesthatdesireconcerns
boththepastandthefuture—retrospectionsandvisionsareinherentelements."Whiledesiregearedtowardsthe
pastexpressesitselfasnostalgia,desiregearedtowardsthefutureexpressesitselfasUtopia,"concludeswriter
PaoloBianchi.7
i
From:SuedeBeer
To:ShamimMomin,Altria
Sent:6/10/04 ?:38am
Hey!
Thingsarereallymovingwiththepiece.Iamgoingtomeetwithmy DPthisweekendinBerlinandtalkaboutcrew.I
sawagoodcandidateforoneofthestarsdoingdancenumbersinAlexanderplatzwithhergroupthe"Bosen
Madchen" ("TheEvil Maidens"].Ithinksheis 11 yearsoldorsomething.And Iamlookingforastudio,butthatis
goingslowbecauseIamhereinWeimarformostoftheweek.
IwillemailyoumorefromBerlin!
Muchlove,
Me
From:ShamimMomin,Altria
To:SuedeBeer
Sent:6/11/04 6:45am
TheBosen Madchenaresoawesome,Ican'tstandit.Yousoundsowell,itmakesmehappy.I'mstillfeelingabit
burntoutandtryingtofigureouthowtogetsomerechargethatlasts,butbasicallythingsareprettyokay.
From:SuedeBeer
To:ShamimMomin,Altria
Sent:6/12/04 8:38am
Iknowwhatyoumean.I keepcrashingandthendoingreallygood.Thisyearmusthavebeensoemotionally
intenseforyou.SometimesItrytoimaginehowcrazyyourlifehasbeenwithcuratingtheWhitney Biennialandthe
breakupofaten-yearrelationshipandthen Ijustgiveup...
Iseeapossiblestudioforshootinginacoupleofhours,meetwithmy DPtonighttotalkaboutcrew,andam
feelingreallyexcitedtostartbuildingtheset.Iamstillbackandforthwiththesequence.Ikeepputtingstuffinand
takingitout.Ihavesomethingtoshoot,butIfeellikeIkeepcirclingaroundthecoreandammissingthefinal
scene.Itwillcome.
UN
From:ShamimMomin,Altria
To:SuedeBeer
Sent:6/12/04 10:21am
HeySue-
HaveyoureadTheBookofIllusions,PaulAuster'slatest?It'sfantastic,capturesacertainkindofsadnesssobeau-
tifully.Icriedthroughmostofit,buthappily,knowwhatI mean? Iwaswritingthisdownforsomeoneelsetheother
day,linesfromthebookthatI lovedanditturnedintothisfunnyprosepoemthing,thatIthoughtyou'dappreciate:
"ecstaticnegation,""thetautologyofdesire,""nothingthathappenstousiseverlost,""myskinhadbecomea
palimpsestoffleetingsensations,""reportfromtheanti-world,"andthelovelylastline,redemptivebutendlessly
sad,"I livewiththathope."8Myfavoritepartrelatestothattimeyoutalkedaboutbeing"onaplane,expecting,