Stop Arguing with Your Kids: How to Win the Battle of Wills by Making Your Children Feel Heard PDF
Preview Stop Arguing with Your Kids: How to Win the Battle of Wills by Making Your Children Feel Heard
Stop Arguing with Your Kids Stop Arguing Your with Kids HOW TO WIN THE BATTLE OF WILLS BY MAKING YOUR CHILDREN FEEL HEARD Michael P. Nichols THE GUILFORD PRESS New York London © 2004 Michael P.Nichols Published by The Guilford Press A Division of Guilford Publications,Inc. 72 Spring Street,New York,NY 10012 www.guilford.com All rights reserved The information in this volume is not intended as a substitute for consultation with healthcare professionals.Each individual’s health concerns should be evaluated by a qualified professional. No part of this book may be reproduced,translated,stored in a retrieval system,or transmitted,in any form or by any means,electronic, mechanical,photocopying,microfilming,recording,or otherwise,without written permission from the Publisher. Printed in the United States of America This book is printed on acid-free paper. Last digit is print number: 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Nichols,Michael P. Stop arguing with your kids :how to win the battle of wills by making your children feel heard / Michael P.Nichols. p. cm. Includes index. ISBN 1-59385-003-4 (hardcover) — ISBN 1-57230-284-4 (pbk.) 1. Parent and child. 2. Child psychology. 3. Communication in the family. 4. Listening. I. Title. HQ755.85.N524 2004 646.7′8—dc22 2003025018 Contents Preface vii PART I How Responsive Listening Works to Eliminate Arguments 1. Taking Charge of Your Children Without a Battle 3 2. The Five Steps of Responsive Listening 17 3. How to Head Off Arguments Before They Start 31 4. How to Inspire Cooperation in Your Children 53 5. Breaking the Cycle of Chronic Arguing 77 PART II How to Apply Responsive Listening to Different Age Groups 6. Young Children: Tears and Tantrums 99 7. School-Age Children: “Do I Have To?” 126 8. Teenagers: “You Can’t Tell Me What to Do!” 154 v vi Contents PART III Complications 9. The Changing Dynamics of the Adolescent Family 181 10. When Arguing Seems Unavoidable: How to Use 200 Responsive Listening in the Toughest Situations Index 221 About the Author 229 Preface F ew things are more exasperating to parents than constant arguing from their children. The “Do I have to?”s and “I don’t wanna!”s that turn family life into a battleground are familiar to every parent. Debates over everything from bedtime to chores to homework, TV, the com- puter, and curfews exhaust our patience and sympathy. In far too many households, ritual bickering uses up so much emotional energy that family life becomes something more to be endured than enjoyed. WhileIdon’tneedtotellyouhowaggravatingarguingcanbe,I’m notsurewealwaysappreciatehowdestructivethispatternistochildren and their parents. Arguing undermines parental authority to the point where children who argue all the time come to see their parents as ad- versaries rather than figures of strength to guide and support them. All kids test their parents to see how far they can get, but, believe it or not, childrenneedtofeelthattheirparentsareincharge.Constantbickering robs parents of their authority and their children’s respect, and results in children feeling unappreciated and ashamed of their own initiative. When your child looks into your eyes and sees a reflection of her- self, does she see a reasonable person with legitimate feelings and opin- ions, or does she see a stubborn, argumentative brat? What’s at stake with chronic arguing is nothing less than your child’s discovering what part of her feelings are shareable and what falls outside the realm of the acceptable. Kids who argue all the time come to feel like a burden. Why not? That’s how their parents see them, isn’t it? vii viii Preface Fortunately, there is a way to change course. It’s called responsive listening. Responsive listening is a skill that enables parents to take charge of conversations with their children, not by laying down the law, but by shifting from the mindset of an opponent in a struggle for control to that of someone actively interested in the child’s wishes and opinions. The point isn’t for parents to give up their authority but to use it to hear their children out before making what is ultimately a pa- rental decision. If you picked up this book because you’re tired of all the argu- ments around your house, I think you’ll find that responsive listening can help. You’ll probably be familiar with some of the concepts in this book, while others may be new to you. One thing I know is that re- sponsive listening, when it’s done sincerely, can make a big difference in all of your relationships, not just those with your children. Responsive listening differs from familiar techniques like “active listening” in that the goal isn’t merely to reflect feelings or paraphrase whatyourchildsaysbutrathertodrawyourchildout,tolisten,under- stand,andacknowledgethechild’sopinionsandwishes.Responsivelis- tening isn’t a ploy to outwit children by pretending to understand how theyfeel.It’sawayforparentstolearnsomethingnewaboutwhattheir children think and feel. When practiced regularly, responsive listening creates a shift in the parent–child relationship, resulting not only in fewer battles, but also in children beginning to open up more to their parents. After explaining the steps of responsive listening, I will show how to apply this skill in a variety of challenging situations. You may find that it takes a little practice to make a habit of re- sponsive listening, but you’ll find it extremely useful when you do. Once it does become a habit, you’ll discover that responsive listening does a lot more than cut down on arguments. By helping you tap into yourchild’sinnerexperience,itwillhaveaprofoundandpositiveeffect on your relationship. Ask yourself, what percentage of the time do you feel that relating to your children is a struggle? How often would you say that your relationship is adversarial rather than cooperative? By making a conscientious effort to practice responsive listening, you can change that for the better. Surely that’s worth a little effort, isn’t it? Thefivestepsofresponsivelisteningarestraightforwardandhighly effective. The overwhelming response I’ve gotten from parents in workshops is gratitude for the remarkable changes they’ve been able to bring about with this approach.
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