Smart Aleck: The Wit, World, and Life of Alexander Woollcott

352 Pages·1976·6.418 MB·English

by  Howard Teichmann

SMART ALECK
Books by Howard Teichmann
Smart Aleck: The Wit, World, and Life of Alexander Woollcott
George S. Kaufman: An Intimate Portrait
SMART ALECK
the wit
world
and life
of Alexander Woollcott
by Howard Teichmann
WILLIAM MORROW AND COMPANY, INC.
NEW YORK 1976
Copyright © 1976 by Howard Teichmann and Evelyn Teichmann
Grateful acknowledgment is made to the following for permission to re­
print material:
To The New Yorker, for excerpts from various columns.
To the Estate of Samuel H. Adams, for excerpts from A. WOOLLCOTT:
HIS LIFE, AND HIS WORLD by Samuel H. Adams.
To The Viking Press, Inc., for excerpts from THE LETTERS OF
ALEXANDER WOOLLCOTT, edited by Beatrice Kaufman and Joseph
Hennessey, copyright 1944 by Beatrice Kaufman and Joseph Hennessey,
renewed 1972 by Joseph Hennessey.
To Bernard Geis Associates, for excerpts from HARPO SPEAKS, by
Harpo Marx with Rowland Barber, copyright © 1961 by Harpo Marx
and Rowland Barber.
To the Estate of Alexander Woollcott, for excerpts from Woollcott’s
radio broadcasts.
PICTURE CREDITS:
Illustrations courtesy of the following:
1, 2: Aleck’s nieces, Mrs. Joan Jennings, Mrs. Polly Murphy, and Mrs.
Nancy Smith; 3: Mr. Rex O’Malley; 4, 5: Hamilton College Library; 6:
Miss Margalo Gillmore; 7, 10, 15, 16, 18, 20, 21, 24, 25, 26, 28, 30, 31,
32, 33, 34, 35: Mr. Richard Carver Wood; 17, Mr. Paul H. Bonner,
Jr.; 9: Miss Katharine Cornell; 11, 12, 13: Columbia Broadcasting
System; 19: Mr. Joseph Hennessey; 22: Mr. Francis Robinson; 23:
Lincoln Center Library; 27: Vogue; 29: Miss Helen Hayes.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or utilized
in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photo­
copying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system,
without permission in writing from the Publisher. Inquiries should be
addressed to William Morrow and Company, Inc., 105 Madison Ave.,
New York, N. Y. 10016.
Printed in the United States of America.
1 2 3 4 5 80 79 78 77 76
Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Data
Teichmann, Howard.
Smart Aleck: the wit, world, and life of Alexander Woollcott.
Bibliography: p.
Includes index.
1. Woollcott, Alexander, 1887-1943—Biography. I. Tide.
PS3545.077Z9 818'.5'209 [B] 75-40129
ISBN 0-688-03034-3
BOOK DESIGN: HELEN ROBERTS
This Book Is for
JUDY
with love and devotion

Contents
Author’s Note 9
1 Stepping Out 21
2 Snow Boy 29
3 Class of ’09 41
4 Letter of Recommendation 49
5 Once a Critic ... 56
6 Safe for Democracy 74
7 ... Always a Critic 82
8 Not for the Old Lady in Dubuque 95
9 Master of the Hounds 106
10 Around the World 126
11 On the Riviera 138
12 Words for Sale 145
13 Playmates on Their Playground 167
14 The Voice in the Living Room 180
15 Inner Circle 209
16 We Are Happy to Welcome a Man Who 219
17 Legitimate 235
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Contents
18 Enter Sheridan Whiteside 258
19 The Bundle for Britain 284
20 Tattoo 298
21 Parker Was Right 312
Bibliography 319
Index 325
Author’s Note
*5oME YEARS AGO I WAS SITTING IN AN OFFICE AT
a television station in San Francisco. The swirling fog, driven by
the wind and illuminated by the office light, shot upward wildly.
The fog reminded me of the blizzards in my own Middle West
where gales swept the snow from the ground and sent it streaking
into the sky.
A young man with a pleasant face and too much blond hair
asked me to follow him into the studio. En route to the cameras
and hot lamps we struck up a brief conversation about The Man
Who Came to Dinner.
“What do you know about The Man Who Came to Dinner?” I
asked. After all, it was a play that had been written some thirty-five
years ago.
“I played Sheridan Whiteside,” the young man replied.
“I was under the impression that Monte Woolley had played
Sheridan Whiteside,” I said facetiously.
“Not in the Alameda High School production two years ago, he
didn’t,” my young guide answered. “Tell me, was Alexander Wooll-
cott really the one Kaufman and Hart were writing about?”
“He was,” I said.
Just as I spoke, he swung open the door to the television studio
and held a cautioning finger to his lips. Then he whispered that a
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SMART ALECK
commercial was being shown and that I should slip into the chair
across from my host. I did as I was instructed. After acknowledging
the host’s kind introduction, I was expected to discuss a variety of
subjects. Instead I talked for the full half-hour about Alexander
Woollcott. I discussed Alexander Woollcott the newspaperman,
the drama critic of The New York Times, the Master of the Hounds
at the Algonquin Round Table, the wit, the actor, the playwright,
the world traveler, the radio broadcaster, the last remaining man
in an ever-maddening world who could make a success of a play or
a book he thought worthy.
The half-hour, with four commercial interruptions, slipped by
before I was aware of it. My host formally thanked me, and the
young man with the pleasant face who had played Sheridan White­
side guided me out of the studio and into a taxi.
“Good-bye,” he said. “It was just marvelous hearing about Mr.
Woollcott. How is he?”
“Woollcott?” I screamed as the cab pulled away. “He’s been
dead for years!”
“Who’s dead?” inquired the cab driver.
“Nobody you’d know.”
Back at the hotel, my wife was waiting for me.
“Very interesting listening to you go on about Woollcott,” she
said.
“Thank you,” I answered.
“Considering that you never met him, don’t you think you ought
to know more about him? Suppose it wasn’t a half-hour show, but
an hour program, what would you have done?”
That’s how I came to write this book.
It is astonishing to hear young people talk with such zest about
Woollcott. I had expected—and rightly—that their parents or
grandparents would remember Aleck. But to listen to youngsters
no older than my guide in San Francisco chatter away excitedly
about Aleck stimulated my curiosity.
Immediately upon my return to New York I began my own
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