Table Of Content

Sing Your Own Song: A Guide for Single Moms CYNTHIA ORANGE HAZELDEN® “Sing Your Own Songis a refreshing celebration of family and community. Cynthia Orange proposes practical ways single moms can take care of themselves as they journey from new moms to empty nesters.” David Wilmes, author of Parenting for Prevention “With tender prose and a thoughtful eye, Cynthia Orange ex- amines the lives of our greatest warriors: single moms. Sing Your Own Songis a soulful, unvarnished, and uplifting guide. Through stories, anecdotes, and well-anchored encourage- ment, it cleanses away the stigmas and self-doubts of single motherhood. This is a must-read for any mother, single or other- wise. Make that any father too.” —Petr Kotz, editor of Cleveland Scene “Single mothers not only need each other, they need informed friends and family who understand this complex and some- times overwhelming journey. Cynthia Orange’s wise and witty book helps me be such a friend. I learned a lot reading it.” —Christina Baldwin, author of Life’s Companion, Journal Writing As a Spiritual Quest, and Calling the Circle: The First and Future Culture “I found myself wanting to sit at the kitchen table with Cynthia Orange and share my own stories. She’s absolutely trustworthy, honest, humble, and wise. Thank you for creating a book that reads like a talk with my grandmother and feels like a trip to the resource center for single moms.” —Ann Linnea, single mom and author of Deep Water Passage— ASpiritual Journey at Midlifeand Teaching Kids to Love the Earth “Cynthia Orange offers a song for single mothers, with lyrics that touch the fine range between the practical and the poetic. With generosity of spirit and no malice toward men, this book brings fresh breath and range to a subject that, in the past, has been overpoliticized and underappreciated. Single moms, and the men who know them, will find solace and illumination in these pages.” —Richard Louv, author of The Web of Life: Weaving the Values That Sustain Us Sing Your Own Song AGuide for Single Moms Cynthia Orange HAZELDEN® INFORMATION &EDUCATIONALSERVICES Hazelden Center City, Minnesota 55012-0176 1-800-328-0094 1-651-213-4590 (Fax) www.hazelden.org © 2001 by Cynthia Orange All rights reserved. Published 2001 Printed in the United States of America No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the written permission of the publisher Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Orange, Cynthia. Sing your own song : a guide for single moms / Cynthia Orange. p. cm. Includes bibliographic references and index. ISBN 1-56838-572-2 (pbk.) 1. Single mothers—United States—Psychology. 2. Single mothers— United States—Life skills guides. 3. Single-parent families—United States. 4. Self-help techniques—United States. I. Title. HQ759.915 .O73 2001 646.7’0085’2—dc21 00-065896 05 04 03 02 01 6 5 4 3 2 1 Cover design by David Spohn Interior design by Elizabeth Cleveland Typesetting by Stanton Publication Services, Inc. AUTHOR’S NOTE The stories excerpted throughout this book are based on actual experiences, relayed to me through interviews and conversa- tions or in response to questionnaires distributed to current and former single mothers, adult children who lived for some period of time in single mother households, and professionals who work with single-parent families. They are presented anonymously to protect the privacy of the people involved. In some cases, minor details have been changed to ensure anonymity. This book is dedicated to my daughter, Jessica, my mother, Florence, and to the memory of my Grandma Reeck strong women all, who taught me what it means to be a mother Contents Acknowledgments xi Introduction 1 ONE Redefining Family 7 Creating New Images Take a Minute:The Metaphorical Family Family History Take a Minute:Revisiting History The Power of Myth Take a Minute:Inventing New Myths Combating Stereotypes Take a Minute:Moving Beyond Stereotypes Creating a Working Definition of Family Take a Minute:Defining Family TWO Creating Community 30 Seeking and Receiving Support Take a Minute:Listing Your Resources Redefining Friendship Take a Minute:Negotiating Healthy Relationships Creating an Intentional Community Take a Minute:Building Community Discovering a Virtual Community Take a Minute:Visiting a Virtual Community THREE Of Mentors and Men 51 The Importance of Mentors Take a Minute:Finding a Mentor for Your Children Take Another Minute:Finding a Mentor for Yourself The Importance of Men in Children’s Lives Take a Minute: Finding Male Role Models viii Contents FOUR Mothering Yourself 62 Can You Spell Codependent? Take Time to Make Time Take a Minute:Setting Your Own Priorities Change What You Can Change Take a Minute:Dialogue with Self Stress Management Take a Minute:Mothering Yourself Learning to Forgive Embracing Imperfection Take a Minute:ABlessing a Day FIVE Raising Resilient Children 94 Experience Makes Us Strong Take a Minute:Lessons Learned Parenting from a Position of Strength Toward Positive Parenting Mothering Not Smothering: Establishing Appropriate Boundaries Take a Minute:Enmeshed or Disengaged? Parenting as a Practice Communication Is the Key Take a Minute: Becoming a Listening Presence Teachable Moments Take a Minute:Teachable Moments SIX The World Out There 125 Earning and Learning Take a Minute: Preparing a Monthly Budget Working Outside the Home It’s Never Too Late to Go Back to School Sex and the Single Mom Take a Minute:Developing Your Dating Criteria Contents ix SEVEN Send in the Crones 149 Lessons in Letting Go Take a Minute:Designing a Rite of Passage Changing Bodies, Changing Lives Single Grandmothers Parenting Our Parents Epilogue: Coming Full Circle 165 Resources and Reading 168 Bibliography 177 Index 183 About the Author 189