Sibling Abuse: Hidden Physical, Emotional, and Sexual Trauma

232 Pages·1997·9.85 MB·English

by  Vernon R. Wiehe

SECOND EDITION
SIBLING
ABUSE
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Sibling Abuse: Hidden Physical, Emotional, and Sexual Trauma
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SECOND EDITION
SIBLING
ABUSE
Hidden Physical, Emotional, and Sexual Trauma
Vernon R. Wiehe
SAGE Publications
International Educational and Professional Publisher
Thousand Oaks London New Delhi
Copyright © 1997 by Sage Publications, Inc. First edition © 1990 by Lexington Books,
an imprint of Macmillan, Inc.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or utilized in any form or
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Printed in the United States of America
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Wiehe, Vernon R.
Sibling abuse: Hidden physical, emotional, and sexual trauma/
Vernon R. Wiehe.—2nd ed.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references (p. ) and index.
ISBN 0-7619-1008-5 (cloth).—ISBN 0-7619-1009-3 (pbk.)
1. Sibling abuse—United States. 2. Adult child abuse victims—
United States. 3. Adult child sexual abuse victims—United States.
4. Incest victims—United States. I. Title.
HV6626.52.W54 1997
362.76—dc21 97-4600
This book is printed on acid-free paper.
97 98 99 00 01 02 03 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
Acquiring Editor: C. Terry Hendrix
Editorial Assistant: Dale Grenfell
Production Editor: Sherrise M. Purdum
Production Assistant: Denise Santoyo
Typesetter/Des igner: Marion Warren
Indexer: Teri Greenberg
Cover Designer: Candice Harman
Print Buyer: Anna Chin
Contents
1. Sibling Abuse: An Undetected Problem 1
2. Physical Abuse 13
3. Emotional Abuse 32
4. Sexual Abuse 57
5. Parental Reactions to Sibling Abuse 86
6. Understanding Sibling Abuse 110
7. Effects of Sibling Abuse on the Survivor 133
8. Distinguishing Abusive Behavior From Normal Behavior 161
9. Preventing Sibling Abuse 171
10. Treatment of Sibling Abuse Survivors 190
A Final Word 201
References 203
Index 213
About the Author 223
To my wife, Donna, whom I admire, respect,
and deeply love, and who has struggled so bravely
from a debilitating stroke.
1 Sibling Abuse:
An Undetected Problem
Please tell others that there is such a thing as sibling abuse, so that
children don't experience what I did from my sibling.
A sibling abuse survivor
I was raped when I was 13 years of age—not by a stranger in a
dark alley but by my own brother in my own home when he
was baby-sitting me and my younger siblings. He threatened
to kill me and make it look like an accident if I ever told my
parents. I didn't tell, and he used me sexually from then on
whenever he wanted.
I would tell my parents about how my brother would hit me.
"You must have done something to deserve it," they would say.
I didn't do anything. He constantly was beating me. If I tried to
protect myself or hit him in return, it was proof to them I
deserved it. I spent a lot of time hiding from him to protect
myself.
Recently, I was with a group of friends and we were telling
about nicknames we had as children. I said I didn't have any
nicknames, but all the while we were laughing and talking, the
name I was called by my sister kept going around in my
head—lard ass. I wouldn't tell them that is how I was known in
my house to my sister when I was a child. My parents used to
laugh about it. I wasn't laughing; I was crying. My childhood
1
2 SIBLING ABUSE
was a nightmare. I don't even want to look at pictures of when
I was a child. I threw my school pictures away. The memories
hurt so much. At the age of 421 have finally found the courage
to seek counseling. Maybe I can come out of my shell and enjoy
the remaining years of my life.
These are neither quotations from the script of a play nor words of
characters of a novel. They are the comments of adults who as
children were victims of a type of abuse that has largely remained
undetected—sibling abuse. While considerable progress has been made
in the field of family violence in detecting, treating, and preventing
different types of abuse—child, spouse, or elder—one type of abuse
remains largely undetected. This is the physical, emotional, and sexual
abuse of one sibling by another.
During past years, parents have excused sibling abuse in various ways.
Some have looked the other way. Other parents have ignored the
problem, or they wouldn't believe their children when they were told
what was happening. Some have blamed the victims for the abuse they
experienced—as if they were asking for it or deserved what they expe
rienced. Still others have said it was normal behavior, simply sibling
rivalry, and that this was a normal part of growing up.
Ask the survivors if they would agree that sibling abuse is typical
behavior of children when they are growing up, that it is merely sibling
rivalry, or that they deserved what happened to them. A resounding No
would be heard from around the country, as it was from the 150
survivors of sibling abuse who tell their stories in these pages.
Ignoring sibling abuse, pretending it doesn't exist, believing the prob
lem will solve itself, or blaming the victim for the abuse are inappropri
ate ways of coping with this problem. In the pages that follow, survivors
will describe how their parents handled their abuse from a sibling in
these ways. The adult lives of these survivors are scarred both from their
abuse from a sibling and from their parents' response to the abuse: They
are fearful of others; feel they can trust no one; have very low self-
esteem; are having problems with drugs and alcohol; and exhibit seri
ous sexual problems.
m Historical Perspective
During the past several decades, various types of family violence —
child abuse, spouse abuse, elder abuse—have been brought out into the
Sibling Abuse: An Undetected Problem 3
open from behind the closed doors of the family home. As these types
of abuse have become known and understood, organizations and re
sources have developed to combat them.
While progress has been made in detecting, preventing, and treating
these types of family violence, sibling abuse has largely remained
unrecognized. Several reasons may be cited for this. First, there has been
a reluctance for the government through its legislative bodies, the
courts, police, and social service agencies to concern itself with what
happens in the privacy of the home. Americans value highly their
freedom. This includes the freedom to raise their children according to
their religious and social values. Thus, historically the philosophy has
developed, "What happens at home is the family's business." The
published findings of an initial study of violence in American families,
based on a sample of over 2,000 families, was aptly titled, Behind Closed
Doors (Straus, Gelles, & Steinmetz, 1980).
However, the philosophy that the home is a man's castle and what
happens behind the closed front door is no one else's business has been
challenged, and rightly so, by individuals who have been victims of
abuse in their own homes—children abused by their parents, women
battered by their husbands, senior citizens mistreated by their adult
children. Adult survivors of child abuse, for example, have worked
through the media to bring to public attention the malnutrition, beat
ings, sexual molestation, and death of innocent children. Legislation
was passed by Congress in 1974 in the form of the Child Abuse Preven
tion and Treatment Act (Public Law 93-247) that among other things
provided funds to the states for combating and preventing child abuse.
This legislation made the reporting of incidents of child abuse manda
tory and provided protection to the individual doing the reporting.
Spouse abuse likewise has come to public attention in part through the
efforts of the feminist movement and through the criminalization of
domestic violence cases, beginning in the 1970s. States have formed
adult protective service agencies for the reporting and adjudication of
incidents of elder abuse. Consequently, the closed door of the family
home is now open to the scrutiny of the court and allied agencies when
the abuse of any family member is suspected. A better understanding
has arisen regarding limitations to the authority of parents and other
caregivers.
Unfortunately, this has not been true for sibling abuse. This problem has
not yet been brought out into the open. Its symptoms go unrecognized,
and its devastating effects continue to be ignored. Generally, violent acts