Shattered Lives: Children Who Live with Courage and Dignity

176 Pages·2007·0.58 MB·English

by  Camila Batmanghelidjh

“I wanted my letter in the book because I want the council and people who care
for kids to know the truth.”
– Chardonnay
“Having Camila write to me in that way was a truly amazing experience. There
are no words to describe the feelings that my letter provoked. My chapter
brought about a profound sense of closure.”
– Daisy
“Camila’s work with children who have suffered abuse, trauma and emotional
deprivation is outstanding. To hear her reflect on their experience is always to
have mind and heart expanded, and it is wonderful that we now have such
reflection available in this book for a wider public – so that the urgency of what
she is talking about just might at last make an impact on the public and on gov-
ernment.”
– Dr Rowan Williams, Archbishop of Canterbury
“Camila Batmanghelidjh is a remarkable woman, a child who grew up to fight
for children and childhood. This is a truly remarkable book. We must all ensure
that it becomes life changing. Politicians should read it with a view to examin-
ing why and how we let children fall between the cracks of societal aspiration,
legislation and protection, to be damaged and then do damage to others. Public
servants should read it to remember why they exist. As parents we should read it
and then love and understand our children a little better in the future. Read it
and weep. Read it and resolve that we must do better. If it was hard to write and
at times hard to read, imagine what it was to live.”
– Shami Chakrabarti, Director of Liberty (the National Council for Civil Liberties)
“Shattered Lives is a much needed and timely book. No one understands or
has done more with socially excluded children in Britain than Camila
Batmanghelidjh. She responds to them with respect and understanding and has
broken through where so many others have failed. In an age of widening dispar-
ities between rich and poor, this is a book of hope. It is also a call for action from
so many more of us to expand and support the opportunities that Camila and
Kids Company have forged. They need to be replicated across Britain if we are
to avoid creating an entire generation of excluded and destroyed young people.”
– Jon Snow, journalist and broadcaster
“Shattered Lives portrays the compassion and determination needed to
provide the social and therapeutic experiences which can transform the lives
of the children whom society has rejected. …Camila Batmanghelidjh has a
rare gift for helping the reader to feel empathy with the challenging behav-
iours and complex survival strategies that very traumatised children often
develop, and for explaining the neurobiology and developmental psychology
that underpins her therapeutic practice. Her lifelong determination to provide
a haven of safety and joyful opportunities for children at Kids Company is tes-
tament to her enduring compassion, skill and persistence in the face of over-
whelming difficulties. This book must be read by everyone – social workers,
therapists, teachers, policy makers and all who touch the lives of children
who have been shattered by fear, humiliation and rejection.”
– Richard Bowlby
“This wonderful bombshell of a book is a sustained, honourable and timely
paean of fury on behalf of the children whose murdered childhood haunts and
damages us all. In these circumstances “neutrality is offensive” from all profes-
sionals and indeed adults who disguise the real level of pain they witness in
children for the sake of easier research, policy, relationship with peers and supe-
riors.”
– Valerie Sinason, PhD, MACP, MInst Psychoanal, FRSA,
child psychotherapist and adult psychoanalyst
“Camila Batmanghelidjh is a remarkable woman, a child who grew up to fight
for children and childhood. This is a truly remarkable book. We must all ensure
that it becomes life changing. Politicians should read it with a view to examin-
ing why and how we let children fall between the cracks of societal aspiration,
legislation and protection, to be damaged and then do damage to others. Public
servants should read it to remember why they exist. As parents we should read it
and then love and understand our children a little better in the future. Read it
and weep. Read it and resolve that we must do better. If it was hard to write and
at times hard to read, imagine what it was to live.”
– Shami Chakrabarti, Director of Liberty (the National Council for Civil Liberties)
Shattered Lives
The author has waived any personal financial benefit from this book. All royalties are paid
to Kids Company.
My Childhood by Mr Mason
Shattered Lives
Children Who Live with
Courage and Dignity
Camila Batmanghelidjh
Jessica Kingsley Publishers
London and Philadelphia
First published in 2006
by Jessica Kingsley Publishers
116 Pentonville Road
London N1 9JB, UK
and
400 Market Street, Suite 400
Philadelphia, PA 19106, USA
www.jkp.com
Copyright © Kids Company 2006
Second impression 2006
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced in any material form
(including photocopying or storing it in any medium by electronic means and whether or
not transiently or incidentally to some other use of this publication) without the written
permission of the copyright owner except in accordance with the provisions of the
Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 or under the terms of a licence issued by the
Copyright Licensing Agency Ltd, 90 Tottenham Court Road, London, England W1T 4LP.
Applications for the copyright owner’s written permission to reproduce any part of this
publication should be addressed to the publisher.
Warning: The doing of an unauthorised act in relation to a copyright work may result in
both a civil claim for damages and criminal prosecution.
Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Data
Batmanghelidjh, Camila.
Shattered lives : children who live with courage and dignity / Camila Batmanghelidjh.
p. cm.
ISBN-13: 978-1-84310-434-6 (hardcover)
ISBN-10: 1-84310-434-2 (hardcover)
1. Child abuse. 2. Child abuse--Case studies. 3. Abused children. I. Title.
RC569.5.C55B28 2006
362.76--dc22
2006007122
British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data
A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library
ISBN-13: 978 1 84310 434 6
ISBN-10: 1 84310 434 2
ISBN pdf eBook: 1 84642 254 X
Printed and bound in Great Britain by
Athenaeum Press, Gateshead, Tyne and Wear
Dedicated to all children, now and then,
and to my mother for letting me be free
Author’s note
I am a psychotherapist with more than twenty years’ experience of working
with children across the social divide. I have founded two children’s
charities: The Place2Be (www.theplace2be.org.uk), and Kids Company
(www.kidsco.org.uk).
Every day of my working life I have come across children whose courage
and dignity is breathtaking. This book is dedicated to them.
Many children are loved and cherished but too many are abused, some-
times unwittingly, by parents, teachers, clinicians and politicians, and then
blamed. I want to apologize for the distortion.
The child is innocent of the crime. In making the truth visible, I hope we
can all learn how not to hurt children again.
Contents
THANK YOU 8
Introduction 9
Chapter 1 The Witnessing 13
Chapter 2 Introduction to Therapeutic Thinking 25
Chapter 3 Exploring the Impact of Sexual Abuse: Letter
to Chardonnay 35
Chapter 4 Shame: Letter to Daisy 59
Chapter 5 Adaptive Violence: Letter to Mr Mason 69
Chapter 6 Psychosocial Vulnerabilities Leading
to Violence: Letter to Rocky 85
Chapter 7 Cradled in Terror: Children’s Capacity
to be Violent 91
Chapter 8 Legitimizing Neglect? Achieving the Best
for Clients and Workers: Letter to Flower 111
Chapter 9 Parental Addiction: Letter to Julie 119
Chapter 10 Letter to Deny, Cry and Try 135
Conclusion 153
APPENDIX 1 THE BASIC “WHO’S WHO?” OF THE THERAPY WORLD 159
APPENDIX 2 SUBSTANCE MISUSE: A TOURIST’S GUIDE 171
Thank You
I have been deeply touched by the kindness and compassion of complete
strangers. Those who have donated money to the charities I founded, and
who became partners in caring for vulnerable children. I have met some
extraordinary people – businessmen and -women, politicians, clinicians and
unemployed people – who all shared their money and wisdom to help our
team to develop a special service for children. Sometimes people who were
dying requested that money be donated to Kids Company instead of flowers
being sent to their funeral.
The trustees of Kids Company, especially Alan Yentob, Peter Wheeler,
Richard Handover and Geoff Grant, are owed special gratitude for their
courage and tenacity and for not giving up when the going got tough.
Thanks are due to HRH The Prince of Wales for his commitment to
young people and for helping to galvanize the business community to assist
disadvantaged children. They consider him a true friend.
Cherie Booth QC showed deep compassion and humanity to our most
emotionally damaged youngsters.
I worked with morally courageous individuals at Kids Company and
The Place2Be. Without the dedication of these staff teams, we would not
have been able to reach vulnerable children. I am especially grateful to Tony
Cavolli for all his tenacity and wisdom and for being such fun to work with.
Karen Stenning is very much loved too for her hard work and ability to
chit-chat when mine ran out of steam.
In the writing of this book I was assisted by the administrative team at
Kids Company, some of the most inspirational colleagues I have had the
privilege of working with. I am especially indebted to all who typed this
manuscript from my dictations, Sarah-Jane Fenton, Elizabeth Rodgers,
Anthony Traynor, Hanna Heikkilä, and David Van Eeghen, who talked me
through the structure of the brain. Daniel Baltzer was a sounding board and
a constant source of encouragement, for which I am deeply appreciative.
From Dr Carolyn Gaskell and her colleagues I learnt a great deal too.
From the bottom of my heart, I wish to express gratitude to my analyst
for helping me understand, and my brothers for accepting their sister as an
eccentric! Sadly I don’t have a cat to thank, so the final and most special
gratitude goes to Jessica Kingsley for helping me dare