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Sex and Love in Intimate Relationships PDF

326 Pages·2006·12.421 MB·English
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in Intimate Relationships Robert W. Firestone Lisa A. Firestone Joyce Catlett American PsychologicalAssociation • Washington, DC Copyright © 2006 by the American Psychological Association. All rights reserved. Except aspermitted under the United States Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced or distributed in any form or by any means, including, but not limited to, the process ofscanning and digitization, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher. Published by American Psychological Association 750 First Street, NE Washington, DC 20002 www.apa.org To order In the U.K., Europe, Africa, and the APA Order Department Middle East, copies may be ordered from P.O. Box 92984 American Psychological Association Washington, DC 20090-2984 3 Henrietta Street Tel: (800) 374-2721 Covent Garden, London Direct: (202) 336-5510 WC2E 8LU England Fax: (202) 336-5502 TOO/TTY: (202) 336-6123 Online: www.apa.org/books/ E-mail: [email protected] Typeset in Goudy by World Composition Services, Inc., Sterling, VA Printer: United Book Press, lnc., Baltimore, MD Cover Designer: Naylor Design, Washington, DC Project Manager: Debbie Hardin, Carlsbad, CA The opinions and statements published are the responsibility of the authors, and such opinions and statements do not necessarily represent the policies of the American Psychological Associarion. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-PublicationData Firestone, Robert. Sex and love in intimate relationships / Robert W. Firestone, LisaA. Firestone,Joyce Catlett. p.cm. Includesbibliographicalreferencesand index. ISBN 1-59147-286-5 1.Sex. 2.Love. 3.Intimacy(Psychology) 1.Catlett,Joyce. II.Title. HQ801.F553 2005 306.7-dc22 2005003228 BritishLibraryCataloguing-in-PublicationData ACIPrecordisavailablefromtheBritishLibrary. PrintedintheUnitedStatesofAmerica FirstEdition CONTENTS Acknowledgments Vll Introduction 3 I. Exploring Sexuality and Love 9 Chapter 1. What Is Healthy Sexuality? 11 Chapter 2. What Is Love? 29 II. Factors Influencing Sexual Development and Adult Sexual Functioning 41 Chapter 3. Factors That Affect an Individual's Sexuality 43 Chapter 4. Men, Women, and Sexual Stereotypes 75 Chapter 5. Approaches to the Etiology of Sexual Dysfunctions and Problems in Sexual Relating ......... 111 III. The Defensive Process and Sexuality................................. 133 Chapter 6. The Role of the Fantasy Bond, the Voice Process, and Death Anxiety in Sexual Relationships :........................... 135 Chapter 7. Sexual Withholding 171 Chapter 8. Couple Relationships: Jealousy and Sexual Rivals 197 v IV. Therapeutic Approaches to Problems in Sexual Relating 227 Chapter 9. Voice Therapy Applied to Problems in Sexual Relating 229 Chapter 10. Suggestions for Enhancing Sexual Intimacy 263 Epilogue 281 References 289 Author Index 321 Subject Index 329 About the Authors 337 vi CONTENTS ACKNOWLEDGMENTS We wish to express our appreciation to Tamsen Firestone,[o Barring ton, Susan Short, and [o Linder-Crow for their brilliant editing of the manuscript. Weare grateful to Susana Buckettfor her efforts in researching the vast literature on sexuality, intimate relationships, and gender issues and for her help in producing the final manuscript. We also wish to thank Anne Baker, who worked closely with us to complete the manuscript; Margaret McMurtrey, for her help in copy editing the final draft; and [ina Carvalho, who, assisted by [oni Kelly, is responsible for disseminating an expanding body of written and filmed works through the Glendon Associ ation. We want to thank Gary VandenBos and Jon Carlson for producing the American Psychological Association (APA) video on Sexual Health with coauthor Lisa A. Firestone, which provided the initial impetus for writing this book. We also wish to acknowledge our indebtedness to Susan Reynolds, acquisitions editor at APA Books, for her continued encourage mentandsupportand toJudyNemes, developmenteditor, forher insightful suggestions regarding stylistic, organizational, and editorial changes. We express our gratitude to the people whose stories are recounted throughout this book. We thank them for their openness and honesty in describing theirfeelings, thoughts, and opinions about theirsexual lives and intimate relationships in interviews, psychotherapy sessions, and discussion groups. These individualswere stronglymotivated to make the insights they gained available so that others might benefit from their experiences. The names, places, and other identifying facts contained herein have beenfictionalized,andno similaritytoanypersons, livingordead, isintended. VI! s x ove in lntlrnote Relationships INTRODUCTION Although sexuality can be one of the greatest pleasures in life, and a very special opportunity for gratification and fulfillment, it also represents an aspectoflifethat iscomplex and difficult and sometimeseventraumatic. In this regard, the renowned psychiatrist Laing quipped in a number of his workshops that "the bedroom is the most dangerous place on earth." Both men and women are confused about themselves as sexual beings and are vulnerable to destructive internal "voices"] or self-attacks that have been incorporated during their developmental years. Furthermore, because of a generalized suppression of communication on the subject, people receive little feedback about the subjectoftheirsexuality. Cultural influences rein force negative attitudes toward the body, nudity, and sexuality, giving sex a"dirty" connotation.Theunnecessaryand unnaturalsuppressionand distor tion ofsexuality in Westernsociety lead to an exaggerated, prurient interest insexuality,dirty jokes,perverseattitudesand actions,andageneralincrease in aggressive acting out behavior (Prescott, 1975). The so-called sexual revolution of the 1960s was replaced with a conservative backlash that served to compound the problems in sexual relationships. Over the years, sex has been used in marketing commercial products, as well as other manipulations of public opinion. Sex on the Internet, allowing for arousal separate from human contact, has become a profitable commodity. In modern society, there is often more sex, but less feeling. Young people refer to "hooking up" (Brooks, 2003), a term that 3 suggests the lack of feeling in sexual relating. Men and women today are suspicious and distrustful of one another, which negatively affects their sexual relationships and prohibits real intimacy. Most find it difficult to combine sex and love and sustain genuine closeness. Human sexuality isa simple and pleasurable combination of attitudes and actions that involves giving and receiving for both parties. If not corrupted by ignorance, prejudice, childhood trauma, or outright sexual abuses, people can enjoy this natural function. The main thesis of this volume is that sexuality is often limited or damaged in an individual's upbringing, and the resultant unresolved emotional pain gives rise to long standing psychological defenses. These defenses, both self-protective and self-nurturing, preclude personal vulnerability and interfere with full and uninhibited participation in sexual relating. Most men and women profess that they desire a close, loving sexual relationshipthat isactiveand long-lasting.Wehavefound that, in actuality, relatively few can tolerate loving or being loved. For those who have been damaged aschildren, living defensively, maintaining distance, and warding off closeness can become lifelong behavior patterns that seriously affect their relationships and sexual lives. Our purpose in writing this book isto shed light on the often trouble some subject of sexuality, sharing knowledge gained from more than 40 years of combined clinical experience and a unique longitudinal study of three generations of individuals, couples, and families.' Based on our work, wewilldescribethedevelopmentalissuesthataffectachild'ssexual identity, point out the problems in establishing intimacy, define a healthy sexual relationship, enumerate the factors involved in developing oneself and in selecting amate, and describe a treatmentmodalityfor sexual problems and conflicts that is effective in improving sexual relationships. In short, we wish to provide information that clinicians can use to help their clients become more fully loving and sexual. SexandLoveinIntimate Relationships isdifferentfrom the largemajority of books on sex, which tend to focus on the technical aspects of sexual relationships.Currentlythere isadearthofinformationregardingthe impor tant emotional or psychological dimensions of human sexuality. This book does not focus on evaluating or perfecting sexual performance. Instead, it deals with sex in a much broader sense by focusing on how people feel about themselves as men and women and how they interact in their close relationships. We viewsexasaphysicalandemotionalexchangeand describesexual ity as a form of intimate communication. This book delineates both the psychological factors that contribute to satisfying sexual experiences and those that interfere with the ability to achieve sexual and emotional inti macy. Itprovidesan in-depthunderstandingofwhy theuniquecombination 4 SEXAND LOVEIN INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS oflove andsex, althoughchallenging, offersthe most fulfillment. This work isbasedon atheoreticalmodel thatintegratespsychodynamicandexistential systems of thought, that points out the relationship between psychological defenses and sexual difficulties. We provide numerous case studies and personal accounts to illustrate this perspective. Thisbookoffersinformationgatheredfrom alarge numberofindividu als, both in and out ofcouple relationships, in bothclinical and nonclinical settings. Thediverse populationrepresents abroadmental healthspectrum, rangingfrom healthy individualsand those withminoremotionalproblems, to people with more serious disturbances. Theyrecounted theirexperiences in a variety of situations, including psychotherapy sessions, individual and couple interviews, formal and informaldiscussions, andspecialized seminars organizedforthepurposeofgatheringdataon suchissuesassubjects'feelings, opinions, attitudes toward sex, and sexual practices. ORGANIZATION OF THE BOOK SexandLoveinIntimate Relationships isdivided intofoursections. Part I, "Exploring Sexuality and Love," addresses fundamental questions such as what is healthy sexuality and what is the meaning of the word "love." The chapters also deal with components of a "healthy" sexual relationship, qualities to further develop in oneselfand to look for in an "ideal" partner, andcharacteristicsofan "ideal"sexual experience.Weofferour conceptual ization of love and its manifestations in a close, personal relationship. Part II, "Factors Influencing Sexual Development and Adult Sexual Functioning," delineates crucial interpersonal factors that affect children's sexual development.The topics underdiscussion includeparents' emotional hunger and its effect on the child's emerging sexuality and other parental attitudes and behaviors that can generate a sense of shame in children. Many of the case studies in this section recount painful experiences people endured in their early lives. In some cases, these incidents may appear to be relatively mild; nevertheless, they had a serious impact on the sexual developmentand adultsexual functioningoftheindividualsinvolved.Other cases describe experiences that were, in fact, traumatic and that had severe and long-lasting effects on the sexual lives of the people involved. We argue that the hurt and fear resulting from such experiences may lead to a defensive posture and a tendency to depersonalize that oftenhave aprofound adverse effect on the willingness to remain vulnerable and close during intimatemoments. We proposethatproblems in sexualityare closely relatedto overalldefenses;forexample,childrenwho havebeenemotionally deprivedorrejectedearly in lifetendtoexperienceproblemsforming attach ments and difficulties in combining love and sex as adults. INTRODUCTION 5

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