Sex and Love in Intimate Relationships

326 Pages·2006·12.421 MB·English

by  Robert W. Firestone, Lisa A. Firestone, Joyce Catlett

in Intimate
Relationships
Robert W. Firestone
Lisa A. Firestone
Joyce Catlett
American PsychologicalAssociation • Washington, DC
Copyright © 2006 by the American Psychological Association. All rights reserved.
Except aspermitted under the United States Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this
publication may be reproduced or distributed in any form or by any means, including, but
not limited to, the process ofscanning and digitization, or stored in a database or
retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher.
Published by
American Psychological Association
750 First Street, NE
Washington, DC 20002
www.apa.org
To order In the U.K., Europe, Africa, and the
APA Order Department Middle East, copies may be ordered from
P.O. Box 92984 American Psychological Association
Washington, DC 20090-2984 3 Henrietta Street
Tel: [phone] Covent Garden, London
Direct: [phone] WC2E 8LU England
Fax: [phone]
TOO/TTY: [phone]
Online: www.apa.org/books/
E-mail: [email protected]
Typeset in Goudy by World Composition Services, Inc., Sterling, VA
Printer: United Book Press, lnc., Baltimore, MD
Cover Designer: Naylor Design, Washington, DC
Project Manager: Debbie Hardin, Carlsbad, CA
The opinions and statements published are the responsibility of the authors, and such
opinions and statements do not necessarily represent the policies of the American
Psychological Associarion.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-PublicationData
Firestone, Robert.
Sex and love in intimate relationships / Robert W. Firestone, LisaA. Firestone,Joyce
Catlett.
p.cm.
Includesbibliographicalreferencesand index.
ISBN 1-59147-286-5
1.Sex. 2.Love. 3.Intimacy(Psychology) 1.Catlett,Joyce. II.Title.
HQ801.F553 2005
306.7-dc22 2005003228
BritishLibraryCataloguing-in-PublicationData
ACIPrecordisavailablefromtheBritishLibrary.
PrintedintheUnitedStatesofAmerica
FirstEdition
CONTENTS
Acknowledgments Vll
Introduction 3
I. Exploring Sexuality and Love 9
Chapter 1. What Is Healthy Sexuality? 11
Chapter 2. What Is Love? 29
II. Factors Influencing Sexual Development and
Adult Sexual Functioning 41
Chapter 3. Factors That Affect an Individual's Sexuality 43
Chapter 4. Men, Women, and Sexual Stereotypes 75
Chapter 5. Approaches to the Etiology of Sexual
Dysfunctions and Problems in Sexual Relating ......... 111
III. The Defensive Process and Sexuality................................. 133
Chapter 6. The Role of the Fantasy Bond, the Voice
Process, and Death Anxiety in
Sexual Relationships :........................... 135
Chapter 7. Sexual Withholding 171
Chapter 8. Couple Relationships: Jealousy and
Sexual Rivals 197
v
IV. Therapeutic Approaches to Problems in Sexual Relating 227
Chapter 9. Voice Therapy Applied to Problems in
Sexual Relating 229
Chapter 10. Suggestions for Enhancing Sexual Intimacy 263
Epilogue 281
References 289
Author Index 321
Subject Index 329
About the Authors 337
vi CONTENTS
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
We wish to express our appreciation to Tamsen Firestone,[o Barring
ton, Susan Short, and [o Linder-Crow for their brilliant editing of the
manuscript. Weare grateful to Susana Buckettfor her efforts in researching
the vast literature on sexuality, intimate relationships, and gender issues
and for her help in producing the final manuscript. We also wish to thank
Anne Baker, who worked closely with us to complete the manuscript;
Margaret McMurtrey, for her help in copy editing the final draft; and [ina
Carvalho, who, assisted by [oni Kelly, is responsible for disseminating an
expanding body of written and filmed works through the Glendon Associ
ation.
We want to thank Gary VandenBos and Jon Carlson for producing
the American Psychological Association (APA) video on Sexual Health
with coauthor Lisa A. Firestone, which provided the initial impetus for
writing this book. We also wish to acknowledge our indebtedness to Susan
Reynolds, acquisitions editor at APA Books, for her continued encourage
mentandsupportand toJudyNemes, developmenteditor, forher insightful
suggestions regarding stylistic, organizational, and editorial changes.
We express our gratitude to the people whose stories are recounted
throughout this book. We thank them for their openness and honesty in
describing theirfeelings, thoughts, and opinions about theirsexual lives and
intimate relationships in interviews, psychotherapy sessions, and discussion
groups. These individualswere stronglymotivated to make the insights they
gained available so that others might benefit from their experiences.
The names, places, and other identifying facts contained herein have
beenfictionalized,andno similaritytoanypersons, livingordead, isintended.
VI!
s x
ove
in lntlrnote
Relationships
INTRODUCTION
Although sexuality can be one of the greatest pleasures in life, and a
very special opportunity for gratification and fulfillment, it also represents
an aspectoflifethat iscomplex and difficult and sometimeseventraumatic.
In this regard, the renowned psychiatrist Laing quipped in a number of his
workshops that "the bedroom is the most dangerous place on earth." Both
men and women are confused about themselves as sexual beings and are
vulnerable to destructive internal "voices"] or self-attacks that have been
incorporated during their developmental years. Furthermore, because of a
generalized suppression of communication on the subject, people receive
little feedback about the subjectoftheirsexuality. Cultural influences rein
force negative attitudes toward the body, nudity, and sexuality, giving sex
a"dirty" connotation.Theunnecessaryand unnaturalsuppressionand distor
tion ofsexuality in Westernsociety lead to an exaggerated, prurient interest
insexuality,dirty jokes,perverseattitudesand actions,andageneralincrease
in aggressive acting out behavior (Prescott, 1975).
The so-called sexual revolution of the 1960s was replaced with a
conservative backlash that served to compound the problems in sexual
relationships. Over the years, sex has been used in marketing commercial
products, as well as other manipulations of public opinion. Sex on the
Internet, allowing for arousal separate from human contact, has become a
profitable commodity. In modern society, there is often more sex, but less
feeling. Young people refer to "hooking up" (Brooks, 2003), a term that
3
suggests the lack of feeling in sexual relating. Men and women today are
suspicious and distrustful of one another, which negatively affects their
sexual relationships and prohibits real intimacy. Most find it difficult to
combine sex and love and sustain genuine closeness.
Human sexuality isa simple and pleasurable combination of attitudes
and actions that involves giving and receiving for both parties. If not
corrupted by ignorance, prejudice, childhood trauma, or outright sexual
abuses, people can enjoy this natural function. The main thesis of this
volume is that sexuality is often limited or damaged in an individual's
upbringing, and the resultant unresolved emotional pain gives rise to long
standing psychological defenses. These defenses, both self-protective and
self-nurturing, preclude personal vulnerability and interfere with full and
uninhibited participation in sexual relating.
Most men and women profess that they desire a close, loving sexual
relationshipthat isactiveand long-lasting.Wehavefound that, in actuality,
relatively few can tolerate loving or being loved. For those who have been
damaged aschildren, living defensively, maintaining distance, and warding
off closeness can become lifelong behavior patterns that seriously affect
their relationships and sexual lives.
Our purpose in writing this book isto shed light on the often trouble
some subject of sexuality, sharing knowledge gained from more than 40
years of combined clinical experience and a unique longitudinal study of
three generations of individuals, couples, and families.' Based on our work,
wewilldescribethedevelopmentalissuesthataffectachild'ssexual identity,
point out the problems in establishing intimacy, define a healthy sexual
relationship, enumerate the factors involved in developing oneself and in
selecting amate, and describe a treatmentmodalityfor sexual problems and
conflicts that is effective in improving sexual relationships. In short, we
wish to provide information that clinicians can use to help their clients
become more fully loving and sexual.
SexandLoveinIntimate Relationships isdifferentfrom the largemajority
of books on sex, which tend to focus on the technical aspects of sexual
relationships.Currentlythere isadearthofinformationregardingthe impor
tant emotional or psychological dimensions of human sexuality. This book
does not focus on evaluating or perfecting sexual performance. Instead, it
deals with sex in a much broader sense by focusing on how people feel
about themselves as men and women and how they interact in their
close relationships.
We viewsexasaphysicalandemotionalexchangeand describesexual
ity as a form of intimate communication. This book delineates both the
psychological factors that contribute to satisfying sexual experiences and
those that interfere with the ability to achieve sexual and emotional inti
macy. Itprovidesan in-depthunderstandingofwhy theuniquecombination
4 SEXAND LOVEIN INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS
oflove andsex, althoughchallenging, offersthe most fulfillment. This work
isbasedon atheoreticalmodel thatintegratespsychodynamicandexistential
systems of thought, that points out the relationship between psychological
defenses and sexual difficulties. We provide numerous case studies and
personal accounts to illustrate this perspective.
Thisbookoffersinformationgatheredfrom alarge numberofindividu
als, both in and out ofcouple relationships, in bothclinical and nonclinical
settings. Thediverse populationrepresents abroadmental healthspectrum,
rangingfrom healthy individualsand those withminoremotionalproblems,
to people with more serious disturbances. Theyrecounted theirexperiences
in a variety of situations, including psychotherapy sessions, individual and
couple interviews, formal and informaldiscussions, andspecialized seminars
organizedforthepurposeofgatheringdataon suchissuesassubjects'feelings,
opinions, attitudes toward sex, and sexual practices.
ORGANIZATION OF THE BOOK
SexandLoveinIntimate Relationships isdivided intofoursections. Part I,
"Exploring Sexuality and Love," addresses fundamental questions such as
what is healthy sexuality and what is the meaning of the word "love."
The chapters also deal with components of a "healthy" sexual relationship,
qualities to further develop in oneselfand to look for in an "ideal" partner,
andcharacteristicsofan "ideal"sexual experience.Weofferour conceptual
ization of love and its manifestations in a close, personal relationship.
Part II, "Factors Influencing Sexual Development and Adult Sexual
Functioning," delineates crucial interpersonal factors that affect children's
sexual development.The topics underdiscussion includeparents' emotional
hunger and its effect on the child's emerging sexuality and other parental
attitudes and behaviors that can generate a sense of shame in children.
Many of the case studies in this section recount painful experiences people
endured in their early lives. In some cases, these incidents may appear to
be relatively mild; nevertheless, they had a serious impact on the sexual
developmentand adultsexual functioningoftheindividualsinvolved.Other
cases describe experiences that were, in fact, traumatic and that had severe
and long-lasting effects on the sexual lives of the people involved.
We argue that the hurt and fear resulting from such experiences may
lead to a defensive posture and a tendency to depersonalize that oftenhave
aprofound adverse effect on the willingness to remain vulnerable and close
during intimatemoments. We proposethatproblems in sexualityare closely
relatedto overalldefenses;forexample,childrenwho havebeenemotionally
deprivedorrejectedearly in lifetendtoexperienceproblemsforming attach
ments and difficulties in combining love and sex as adults.
INTRODUCTION 5