Sex and Belonging: On the Psychology of Sexual Relationships

277 Pages·2019·1.726 MB·English

by  Tony Schneider

AUSTRALIANACADEMICPRESS
First published 2019 by:
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Copyright © 2019 Tony Schneider.
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ISBN 9781925644234 (paperback)
ISBN 9781925644241 (ebook)

Disclaimer
Every effort has been made in preparing this work to provide information based on accepted standards
and practice at the time of publication. The publisher and author, however, make no warranties of any
kind of psychological outcome relating to use of this work and disclaim all responsibility or liability for
direct or consequential damages resulting from any use of the material contained in this work.

Publisher: Stephen May
Copy Reader: Dianne Wadsworth
Cover design: Luke Harris, Working Type Studio
Typesetting: Australian Academic Press
Printing: Lightning Source
I dedicate this book to my beloved wife of forty years,
Moira, whose patience, encouragement, and grace has
allowed it to come to fruition.

Contents

Preface............................................................................................................................ix
About the Author...........................................................................................................xi
Introduction..................................................................................................1
Chapter 1: The Challenge of Explaining Sexual Behaviour.................................5
On ‘maleness’ and ‘femaleness’..............................................................................6
On what is and isn’t ‘sexual’ .................................................................................10
The relational goals of connection and belonging...............................................13
On belonging: further considerations...................................................................16
Chapter 2: Drives and Sexual Behaviour .........................................................19
Drive theory: What prompts me to do something?.............................................20
A dual drive-source, multiple-drive model ..........................................................25
Features of the biological and subjective drive profiles......................................31
Chapter 3: Biological Drive Profile (BDP) Factors............................................35
Genetics and sexual predispositions.....................................................................36
Neurochemicals and the sexual response............................................................37
The hormonal profile: priming for sexual desire..................................................40
Sexual conditioning: the impulse that repeats the past......................................44
Chapter 4: Subjective Drive Profile (SDP) Themes of Pleasure and Desire......47
The compulsion of eroticism.................................................................................49
The desire for recreation.......................................................................................50
The drive to curiosity and discovery.....................................................................51
The attraction to beauty........................................................................................52
The attraction to gender traits..............................................................................53
Chapter 5: SDP Themes Relating to Broader Social Needs..............................55
The need prove oneself.........................................................................................56
The need for social acceptance.............................................................................57
The consumer drive...............................................................................................58
The desire to rebel.................................................................................................59
v
The power motive..................................................................................................60
The drive to procreation........................................................................................62
Chapter 6: Relationship-need Themes of the SDP............................................63
The need for intimacy and to belong...................................................................64
The need for love...................................................................................................65
Attraction to the familiar.......................................................................................67
Parent-related motives...........................................................................................68
The demand of practical concerns........................................................................69
Chapter7: SDP Inhibition Themes.....................................................................71
Social inadequacy...................................................................................................73
Fear of entrapment................................................................................................74
The instinct to withdrawal.....................................................................................75
The need for self-protection..................................................................................76
Disgust towards the person..................................................................................77
Disgust about sex..................................................................................................78
Chapter 8: Sociocultural Sexual Scripts: Origins..............................................81
Shared expectations, meanings and rules ...........................................................84
Traditional scripts...................................................................................................87
Traditional Christian script.....................................................................................90
Chapter 9: Sociocultural Sexual Scripts: Changing Perspectives......................93
Secular Western script...........................................................................................95
Sexual experimentation subscript.........................................................................98
Individual freedoms subscript.............................................................................101
Virtual sex subscript.............................................................................................103
Competing scripts and moral notions................................................................104
Chapter 10: Sexual Narratives: Early Years....................................................107
Childhood belonging and attachment................................................................109
Childhood boundaries.........................................................................................111
Childhood sexual awareness...............................................................................116
Early gender identity and sexual orientation.....................................................118
Chapter 11: Sexual Narratives: Transitions.....................................................125
The integration of the sexual and relational self................................................126
Attachment and the sexual self...........................................................................128
vi
First experiences..................................................................................................132
Tim and Lucy’s story............................................................................................136
On falling in love..................................................................................................139
Chapter 12: Psychological Practice and Sexual Relationships .......................145
Sexual behaviour and mental health...................................................................146
On therapeutic goals...........................................................................................153
Some therapy principles......................................................................................158
The maintenance and dissolution of a sexual relationship................................161
Chapter 13: Some Stories to Finish With.......................................................167
The contamination of association........................................................................167
A story about gender dysphoria.........................................................................173
A story about porn...............................................................................................175
Stories about ghosts of the past.........................................................................177
A final story about sex and not belonging.........................................................181
Chapter Endnotes...........................................................................................185
References......................................................................................................233
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viii
Preface
Scientists prefer explanatory models that are simple with few variables.
Psychologists prefer more comprehensive models that allow them to
better describe and understand clients’ behaviour. In this book, I describe
a model that is no doubt too complex for scientific modelling but hopefully
provides psychologists with a useful map to understand sexual behaviours.
The ‘sex drive’ has long been seen as one of the most powerful drives direct-
ing human behaviour, and played a key role in Freud’s psychoanalytic theory.
I argue that the ‘sex drive’ is better understood as a composite of drives includ-
ing both biological and subjective factors. Its composition will vary between
people and over time. However, such a conceptualisation does not in any way
diminish the power it has in human affairs. Equally influential in directing
human behaviour are the twin notions of attachment and belonging, which
guide relationship dynamics. The various neuro-chemicals activated in the
sexual response represent a powerful reward system in their own right; but
when these interact with relationship dynamics, their centrality in human
affairs becomes so much greater.
I present in this book a theoretical argument, research findings, and clinical
narratives to develop and illustrate a dual-source, multiple drive model that
integrates the various factors that can affect sexual relationships. Such a model
needs to meet a number of criteria. As is evident in the various narratives, the
model needs to allow for intra-psychic conflict as well as external (social)
conflict. It needs to allow for fluidity in sexual behaviour patterns, yet recognise
the inherent stability of such patterns once established (this being a function of
the particular outcomes of sexual expression). It also needs to reflect the non-
deterministic nature of sexual behaviour (that is, the decisional process).
The composite of drives in sexual relationships is not only powerful, but
also complex, and various conflicts easily develop. Conflict can exist in the
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