Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction

240 Pages·2015·1.55 MB·english

by  Robert Weiss

Health Communications, Inc.
Deerfield Beach, Florida
www.hcibooks.com
The descriptions and stories in Sex Addiction 101 purposely do not identify specific individuals or
their stories. As confidentiality lies at the very center of the psychotherapeutic relationship, we
have taken the most exacting measures to preserve the privacy of all real persons. All names are
fictitious and all other recognizable features have been changed. Furthermore, the people and
circumstances portrayed in these pages are composite in nature; each case represents a great
many individuals whose characteristics and experiences have been adapted conceptually, carefully
altered in their specifics, and combined to form illustrative viewpoints, characters, and stories.
Any resemblance of such composites to actual persons is entirely coincidental.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
is available through the Library of Congress
© 2015 Robert Weiss
ISBN-13: 978-07573-1843-6 (Paperback)
ISBN-10: 07573-1843-6 (Paperback)
ISBN-13: 978-07573-1844-3 (ePub)
ISBN-10: 07573-1844-4 (ePub)
All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this publication may be
reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic,
mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the written permission of the
publisher.
HCI, its logos, and marks are trademarks of Health Communications, Inc.
Publisher: Health Communications, Inc.
3201 S.W. 15th Street
Deerfield Beach, FL 33442–8190
Cover and Interior design by Lawna Patterson Oldfield
ePub created by Dawn Von Strolley Grove
Contents
Acknowledgments
Author’s Note
Foreword by David Sack, MD
1 Defining Sexual Addiction
2 Am I Addicted to Sex?
3 Sex Addiction—the Basics:
Triggers, Escalation, and Denial
4 Why Me? Understanding the Causes of Sexual Addiction
5 Cybersex and Porn Addiction
6 Sex Addiction in Women
7 Love/Relationship Addiction
8 Sexual Orientation and Sex Addiction
9 When Sex Pairs with Other Addictions
10 How to Get Better
11 Finding Therapeutic Help and Healing
12 Loving a Sex Addict
13 Rebuilding Intimate Relationships
14 Long-Term Healing
15 Final Thoughts
16 Recovery Resources, Support, and Education
17 Bonus Chapter for Therapists:
The Unofficial Diagnosis of Sexual Addiction
About the Author
Additional material, worksheets,
and writing exercises may be found
by visiting www.hcibooks.com.
Acknowledgments
This book is dedicated to those individuals (below) who pioneered and
persevered in the early research and treatment of addictive sexual and
intimacy disorders. If not for each one of you, this book would never have
been written, nor would I still be alive to write it. Sex Addiction 101 is a
summation of your commitment to sound ideas and solid research. Thus,
this book belongs to all of you, as well as to the reader. You are the
pioneering researchers; writers and therapists who risked your
professional reputations and careers to help all of us make sense of this
shameful, hidden, emotional disorder (compulsive, addictive, non-
offending sexual behavior).
Even when surrounded by professional arrogance, dismissal, and
derision, you fearlessly beat back the bushes of cultural prejudice and
fear, offering hope to people who surely had none. You constantly
discussed the issues that no one wanted to discuss and you never stopped
talking about them, even when it was uncomfortable or out of fashion. By
standing firm in your truth, each of you have helped even the most
shamed addict hold out hope that their life might have genuine worth and
value—regardless of their prior history. And I am one of those people.
Thus, I am personally and professionally forever in all of your debt. As
are the tens of thousands of recovering people whose lives are now
forever changed for the better because you stood up for them when no
one else would.
This book is dedicated to:
Thank you. Each of you has contributed to making our world a better
place.
Author’s Note
This is not a book about morality, cultural beliefs, cultural norms, or
religion. It is not written as a challenge to those who enjoy recreational
sexuality or “nontraditional” sexuality, either casually or as a lifestyle. As
a mental health and addiction professional, it is not my job to judge such
behaviors in any way. Instead, I have written this book to help people
whose sexual fantasies and activities have run amok to the point where
they’ve become a driving life force—overriding their personal goals,
beliefs, and lifestyle. In other words, this book is written for those whose
abusive and/or addictive involvement with objectified, often non-
intimate sexuality, consistently and persistently distracts them from
larger personal goals like academic achievement, career development,
intimate relationships, recreation, emotional health, and community.
Within these pages, I offer understanding, compassion, direction, and
hope to those who are too ashamed, fearful, or embarrassed to reach out
in other ways.
Although there are many views about whether things like pornography,
virtual sex, casual/anonymous sex, and nontraditional sex are right or
wrong, good or bad, moral or immoral, it is not the intent of this book to
define or address these issues in any meaningful way. I support every
adult in his or her right to engage in any solo or mutually consensual (and
legal) sexual activity or experience that provides pleasure, satisfaction,
and fulfillment. I do not believe that anyone, therapist or not, has the
right to judge what turns someone on or how a person pursues sexual
activity—as long as that person’s choices do not violate the intrinsic rights
and safety of self or others. In short, my work is not focused on what is
ethically or politically correct for any individual or the culture at large.
With pornography, for instance, I do not promote censorship, nor do I
believe that all porn is automatically problematic or exploitative, though
some (child porn, for instance) certainly can be.
My primary goal is to assist people who struggle with compulsive and
addictive sexual behaviors by helping them to identify their problem as
the chronic emotional disorder it is, and to then understand that the
problem can be put into remission with proper care and direction—just
like alcoholism, compulsive gambling, eating disorders, and/or drug
addiction. In a nutshell, I want those who are suffering from sexual
addiction to know that their sexual concerns can be addressed without
shame or moral/cultural/religious bias. I also seek to offer direction and
insight to therapists who may be unfamiliar with the treatment of
sexually addicted clients. But most of all, I want to offer sex addicts hope,
letting them know that long-term change and healing are possible to
anyone willing to invest in the hard work of personal growth and
integrity.
—Robert Weiss, LCSW, CSAT-S
Foreword
Mention “sex addiction” and most people’s response is, “Sounds fun.
Where do I sign up?” In reality, however, sexual addiction is as
devastatingly un-fun as a full-blown addiction to alcohol, crystal meth,
heroin, and/or any other intensely pleasurable and/or dissociative high.
All of these behaviors (sex included) typically start out as a good time,
and many people who engage in them feel great . . . for a while. But
among those individuals who struggle with underlying emotional or
psychological issues such as profound childhood or adult trauma, anxiety,
depression, and low self-esteem the tide will eventually turn, and instead
of wanting alcohol, drugs, sex, gaming, and/or to binge eat they end up
needing alcohol, drugs, sex, gaming and/or binge eating—just to feel
okay. Before they even realize it, they’re “feeding the beast,” drinking,
using, or acting out, not to get high with friends, party, and have a great
time, but to escape the pain of living life on life’s terms.
People often ask me, “How can someone be addicted to sex?” They may
as well be asking, “How can a person be addicted to any behavior? Don’t
you have to put a substance into your body to experience the euphoric
rush that drives addiction?” My answer to these and similar questions is
usually something along the lines of: “In the world of addiction treatment
there are two major areas of concern—addiction to substances, and
addiction to patterns of behavior. Typically, substance addictions involve
abuse of and dependency upon chemicals such as alcohol, nicotine,
prescription drugs, and illegal drugs like heroin, meth, or cocaine,
whereas behavioral addictions, also known as “process addictions,” are
problematic, repetitive behavior patterns involving potentially